#the thing is the topic isn't even that difficult and even mildli interesting

[airenyah]

i really do talk so much about a joongdunk vampire bl that even my phone knows:

[20dollarlolita]

(1 of ?) Hey, so a friend of mine has been trying to get me into Lolita, and at first I was excited, because the boy Lolita looks so cool, and being nonbinary it seemed that it would be really affirming to dress up that way, but today she mentioned how it is considered taboo to alter brand name clothing, including making it so that it fits a larger size. Now, this isn't an actual issue for me, but the sentiment behind it really bothers me, and all of my excitement for the fashion is gone.

So i ended up googling “is Lolita fatphobic” and found your blog post from June 2017 about that issue. So I was wondering if I could get your opinion. My friend is so excited about this topic (it’s interesting, because she’s actually plus-size and has to shop offbrand_ and wants other people to do it with and I don’t want to let her down, but this has left me with an awful feeling in my stomach. I don’t like the idea of participating in a community that is fatphobic.

So I was wondering about your opinion on this. Obvioulsly you have decided that it is worth it despite the issues with the community. But I just dislike the idea of, in essence, silently supporting the community’s viewpoints. Do you have any suggestiond no how to handle this? How did you personally deal with that issue? Thank you so much for yout time, your blog seems really cool, and you’re obviously doing so much good with it. (: You’re awesome, keep it up.

Okay, so, first things first: I very firmly believe that is not wrong to not listen to a “rule” (or even a non-quotes rule) that enforces discrimination in your community. In fact, I believe the correct thing to do wavers somewhere between calling it out and outright disobedience, EVEN when you or your specific subgroup group is not affected or benefits from that rule.

Second things next, I’m passionate about this and I’m not going to use my cutesy swear word censors like I usually do. I also frequently use “you” to refer to the community in general, not the asker specifically.

The idea that you should not darest modify ur preciouz burando comes from two points. One is that a decent amount of the community considers clothing to be somewhat of a community-owned item, due to the commonness with which people resell items. Personally, I think this is a load of motherfucking horse shit, because it doesn’t matter if someone’s wearing your dream dress and they only made 200 of it, if it’s not your dress, you are not allowed to govern what they do with it. Trying to control, or thinking you have a right to control, someone’s clothing actions just because you want them is less valid than being upset with what someone on food stamps chooses to eat (and that’s not a valid argument). It doesn’t matter if someone who’s a size 14 is stretching out the ONLY SOCKS IN THE WORLD that match your dress, or if someone on Oregon Trail is buying lobster with their food stamps. It’s not your dress and it’s not your money and it’s not your say.

(I bring up food stamps because I’m calling out everyone who disagrees with people who try to govern what people spend their SNAP on, but also think they have a right to hate someone who “abuses” clothes they want. The argument of “well, I’m a taxpayer, so I have a right to make sure the people on benefits spend their food stamp money on shitty food” has mildly more merit than “i want it so it’s mine,” and you can’t hate the first while believing in the second and still call yourself a rational person)

 The second reason why people support that kind of ideology is that it’s easy to support rules that benefit you, and uncomfortable to examine if you support something because of privilege and community acceptance, and uncomfortable to examine if your viewpoints that are easy for you are difficult for someone else because of something they and you both do not control.

Asker, you clearly have a grasp on that subject, but it’s worth repeating, IMO.

However, as anyone with a racist aunt on Facebook knows, being silent when you see something you disagree with allows the creator of that content, and everyone who sees it, believe that they are unopposed.

I’ve dealt with the subtle (and not so subtle) racism in the lolita community by breaking social norms, by speaking out about it, and by trying to create a community that rewards that behavior and gives other people the ability to fight that in their own way. Okay, I tried to create a blog about making lolita cheap, and I accidentally created a community that fights against discriminatory norms. I’m not going to claim it was my original intent, but I’m glad it happened.

Also, coming from a sewing, costume, and fashion background, I really and genuinely believe that the general vocal comm’s obsession with not modifying Brand is doing a disservice to the fashion in general. When something could be tailored to fit someone, but instead they’re encouraged to wear three sports bras and stretch the shirring out to the max, we end up with people who look like they’re wearing bad Party City Alice in Wonderland costumes instead of prim Victorian children ready for formal tea parties. Okay, no, we end up with some people who are Brand sized looking like Victorian children going to formal tea and some people looking like Party City Alices, and if you check WHO is promoting “oh everyone can fit into Brand if they try” then you might realize why the people who don’t fit’s appearance aren’t a priority.

I’m not saying you even need to bring this up with someone. One important thing I learned in 2016 and have had reinforced every year since then is that you can often force people to reconsider discriminatory comments by just casually saying you don’t agree, or by just always acting like the way of nondiscrimination is the normal way, even when you’re in groups that don’t think it is the normal way. If you want to go buy two copies of Sugary Carnival and sew it into pumpkin pants, when/if you post it on Closet of Frills, phrasing can go a long way. “Hi, so this is my first post, and I kiiiiiiind of cut up two Sugary Carnival skirts to make this, also if it’s okay my pronouns are they/them,” sells like you’re expecting a disapproving reaction, and, “Hi, first post! I’m nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them. Here’s a boystyle coord. Rundown: Blouse: , bloomers/salopette: Angelic Pretty (modified), Socks: …” gives the impression that you’ve done your research, and you’re not apologizing for what you’re wearing. (i assumed they/them pronouns for the example, please correct me if that’s an incorrect assumption).You’re also not obligated to post to CoF. I’ve done it once with a handmade dress, and watched some people anonymously argue about my dyed pink hair, eventually concluding that it was a wig, a shitty wig, and I was wearing it wrong.You’re not obligated to participate in any part of the community that makes you uncomfortable.

Also, it’s very important to remember that disagreeing with someone discriminatory rarely changes that person’s mind, but seeing someone disagree with someone who made a discriminatory comment often changes the mind of an onlooker. You don’t fix the elitish fatphobe, but you let everyone who saw that comment know that dissent is there and it’s speaking out.

But yeah, the short version is that I wear lolita for myself, and I haven’t come to terms with the community’s bad parts. I know that I’m not obligated to change a community that I don’t like, but I know that staying out of places where people might disagree with me won’t change that place’s opinion of people like me. And I’m not obligated to change it, but I want to.

I know I got really off topic there, but I hope there’s an answer in those 13 paragraphs somewhere.