#thebachelordiaries

[thebachelordiaries]

‘Women Tell All’ Superlatives

The graduating class of this season of The Bachelor have accomplished a lot. They laughed, cried, thought about drinking their own piss, made out with the same guy, traveled to a few new places, got an average of like 40,000 extra Instagram followers and a bunch of estheticians slid into their DMs wanting to inject their faces for free.

But what happens on The Bachelor doesn’t matter if you don’t make a name for yourself at the Women Tell All. Here, women are urged by producers to be as dramatic and argumentative as possible. Those with the best performances will automatically get an invite to Bachelor In Paradise this summer.

So who is the best to take home to mom and dad? The life of the party? Most likely to get mugged on vacation in Amsterdam? Let’s find out.

Most Dramatic— Caroline

See you in Paradise, Caroline.

Best To Take Home To Mom And Dad—Seinne

She’s just a treasure.

Best Dressed—Chelsea

This was a jumpsuit from Winsor that cost about $40. The single mom shows us you can still look fly, and expensive, on a budget.

Worst Dressed—Tia

Raven and Tia make me love Arkansas girls IN SPITE OF their fashion choices. How is she wearing a dress that short? And she crossed her legs sitting down. Jesus take the wheel.

Most Likely To Win A Game Of Hide And Seek— Bekah

Most Mature— Not Bekah

Best Bachelorette Audition— Seinne

Most Likely To Be The Bachelorette Despite Not Having The Best Audition— Tia

Funniest Blooper— Jenny

Here, Jenny is telling Arie he has a flat ass. This might explain why she went home week two.

Worst Spray Tan— Krystal

She just looks ridiculous sitting next to pale af Jaqueline.

She Doesn’t Even Go Here— Olivia

Can you think of any other superlatives. By all means, let me know what they are.

[skoopph]

@thebachelor @thebachelornz @thebachelordiaries @bachelorabc @bacheloruniverse @bachelors @bacheloraesthetics

[thebachelordiaries]

‘Straddling For A Rose’: The Bachelor Ep. 3 Recap

Hey, it’s me back with another last-minute Bachelor recap. This episode was about doing it doggy style in a trailer park....oh no wait, that was just the themes for the two group dates.

Here’s small anecdote for you: When I’m in the car with my dad and it’s too hot, I like to tell him to turn on the air conditioner just a tad. However, he is a man of extremes so he just blasts the A.C. until I turn into a fucking icicle. The same goes for when I tell him he’s driving too slow; he immediately starts speeding and I fear for my life.

What I’m trying to say here is that my dad is in charge of picking out dates for this season of The Bachelor. For several seasons now, we (or maybe just me) have been complaining that the show recycles the same old, boring dates.

Well guys, my dad (the show’s writers) are finally listening.

“Oh you want new group dates? We’ll give you fucking new group dates,” a producer yells manically, spit flying everywhere.

Anyway, I’m rambling more than Lauren S. on her 1-on-1 with Arie (spoiler?), so let’s get this recap started.

GLOB Group Date

The psychopath show writers (my dad) decided upon demolition derby (sorry not sorry about your concussion, Brittany) and now, they chose WWE wrestling, or the lesser known GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling), However, in this case, it’s GLOB (Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor). GOT PARENTHESIS?

The women on the date learned how to wrestle, or at least pretend to wrestle, like the pros, while these washed up women wrestlers with faces that look like melted candle wax talked shit to them, making my girls Bibiana and Tia cry.

This old hag asked Bibiana if her mom knew how to spell when she gave her that name. I would’ve snatched her wig SO QUICK.

“Bitch, you don’t even know my mom.” -Bibiana

Then another old lady pulled Tia’s hair, who probably had in her extensions, and homegirl was not having it. I would’ve been done too.

Bibiana and Tia get it together after a good cry and end up battling each other as Bridezilla and a Southern Belle. Bibiana’s costume was actually hysterical.

“I’m the Bridezilla and I’m about to eat these bitches for lunch.”

Lauren B. had a hard time getting the acting part down and kept laughing. Lauren, how are you going to convince me to buy overpriced skincare or a cheap curling wand on your Instagram story if you can’t even get your fake acting down? Do better.

I just want to talk about Maquel as a lunch lady. Poor Maquel deserved a rose just for having to wear this outfit. That mole was actually disgusting.

The fights went like this: Bekah the Sex Kitten vs Maquel the Lunch lady. Jacqueline the Beauty Queen vs Krystal the Cougar. Maquel the Gold Digger vs Lauren B. the Princess [this match was slightly pornographic but producers definitely put in some added audio in there.] Bibiana the Bridezilla vs Tia the Southern Belle.

Also, we can’t forget the cameo from a Bachelor favorite, Kenny King, an actual pro wrestler. He clearly let Arie win, but damn, I love Kenny. He’s so entertaining. I’m glad he was brought back.

I mean, someone needed to show off their abs on The Bachelor, and we all knew it wasn’t going to be Arie.

The cocktail portion of the group date took place in an RV park; just another redneck place to make Tia feel at home.

Arie told Krystal that it’s hard to have her in a room with a lot of other women and he has to “check himself.” Kind of like how I have to check the sound settings on my television to make sure Krystal’s voice isn’t actually that annoying. But alas, it is.

Krystal sucks so much. She thinks her time is more valuable than everyone else’s and that its okay if she takes that time away from other girls trying to get to know Arie to “decrease her competition.” Tia may feel at home in a trailer park, but Krystal, you’re actually white trash.

In other news, Bekah straddled Arie. I’ve also decided that his hand grabbing of the face move is weird.

I’m really happy I procrastinated this recap because Saturday Night Live did a Bachelor skit called “Car Hunk,” which referenced Bekah’s short hair.

Fake Bekah: I have short hair. Isn’t it the weirdest thing you’ve seen in your life?

Fake Arie: Yeah, but somehow I still like you.

Fake Bekah: That’s because I’m barely 21.

Fake Arie: Oh yeah, that’s what makes me horny.

Gross, but true.

TFW you think you have the strongest relationship with The Bachelor but the girl on your left (our right) just dry humped your man in a trailer, unbeknownst to you.

Arie gave the rose to Bekah because...”you were outstanding today and tonight you were amazing.” I swear to god those were his words. Juan Pablo was more articulate.

1-On-1 With Lauren S.

When Lauren S. is chosen for the 1-on-1, I’m convinced she is Arie’s favorite. I’m basing this on the fact that both Lauren Bushnell and Vanessa Grimaldi got 1-on-1s on the third episode.

Lauren S. is pretty, funny and I feel like she’s a bit too normal for the show. I really like her, even if her face permanently looks like this:

Lauren and Arie take a private Jet to Napa where they go wine tasting. They show a lot of their casual conversations, which I take as a good sign, even if they are about basic things like going to bed early and drinking wine; Arie isn’t the best conversationalist anyway.

But Lauren just keeps on talking, and talking and talking...and talking. Arie is so done with her that he starts eating the prop food.

Why nobody eats on dates: the contestants eat separately before the date so when they are televised, nobody is making gross chewing noises for the cameras and mics. The food is supposed to be untouched and probably has been sitting there for hours. However, Arie’s clearly bored AF with Lauren S., leading to this low-key hilarious segment.

Arie initially said Lauren is what he’s looking for in a future wife: beautiful, mature and with a great job.

At the end of the day, Arie ~thinks~ that’s what he wants, but in reality he wants 22-year-old manic pixie dream girl who straddles him in a trailer park instead.

Arie sends Lauren home and nobody knows where she is going; Will she just fly back home and meet her luggage at the airport? Nobody knows.

When the producer picks up Lauren’s suitcase from the mansion, everyone is shocked. Caroline starts crying and then Krystal starting giving this annoying speech.

“Get off your high horse and stop being so condescending to everybody because you met his dog,” says Caroline, regarding Krystal.

Caroline just seems incredibly likable so if she doesn’t like you, you’re probably on America’s shit list. 

Dog Training Group Date

I’m not going to call this date “Doggy Style” like the perverted show writers. Instead, I’m going to say the girls had to train already trained show dogs and put on a performance. Everybody failed miserably, except Brittany, who deserves not one, but two Emmys for her amazing performances as a tree and lamp.

I swear Chelsea can see dog shit on the ground and somehow relate it to being a mom and how “serious” she is about being here. And that’s just what she did during her alone time with Arie. By the way, I still don’t like her face.

Annaliese is the only form of entertainment for the second half of this episode. Once again, she had another “traumatic” childhood experience that directly related to this group date. I’m not going to mock her for that, because almost losing your eye from a dog bite is a totally valid trauma. However, her neurotic personality is fun to watch. 

Annaliese started felling a lot of pressure to kiss Arie since all of the other women did it already. Unfortunately for her, she’s 32 and too old for this 36-year-old grey-haired man. 

His body language says, “I’m just not that into you.”

I literally don’t remember who got the group date rose. I think it was Chelsea. Because she’s a mom and deserves it more than anyone else, or some shit like that.

Rose Ceremony

Annaliese’s freakout over not kissing Arie carries over into the rose ceremony.

She asked Arie if he wants to kiss her and he says, “I don’t think we’re there yet.”

At this point, we all know Annaliese is probably going to go home, and she does too. She basically tells Arie to send her home and was pretty mature about it. I hope she has a good talk with her therapist and turns this new “traumatic” experience into a positive.

Bekah wasn’t the only woman to straddle Arie this episode, Jenna did too. Jenna reminds me of my roommate from college. They’re both unpredictable and insane but like, in an endearing way.

Since two women already went home before the rose ceremony, only one woman didn’t get a rose. That was unfortunately my girl Bibiana. 

Were Arie and Bibiana a match? No. Could Arie ever handle a woman like Bibiana? No. Did I think she should’ve stayed around longer because she’s the most entertaining thing about this show? Yes.

The positive is she is going to appear on The Bachelor’s Winter Games. At least ABC knows a good thing when they see it.

I’m going to end this recap with....Arie sucks. And so does Krystal. Wait a second, maybe they are perfect for each other.

[thebachelordiaries]

‘Do The Damn Thing:’ Arie’s Season of The Bachelor Ep. 1

I honestly still feel like Arie as The Bachelor is one big joke and during week three Peter is going to show up and be like, “Hey Arie, thanks for filling in, I’ll take it from here.”

I can’t help what my subconscious feels.

I also can’t help but roll my eyes at Arie’s spiel of not finding love since dating Emily Maynard for three-ish months on The Bachelorette five years ago. I get he needs a storyline, but it is incredibly unbelievable. 

In my humble opinion, this was the most boring premiere of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette in recent history. 

But that doesn’t mean there weren’t some highlights from night one and some women I am already obsessed with. (I currently love both Bekah and Becca K. to the point where I should probably name my first [and only] child— who will obviously be a girl— after them.)

Video Intros

Every season we get to learn about a few of Arie’s women through video intros. Here are the ones that stuck out to me:

Bekah, who is 22 but ABC is withholding her age to be annoying, is a nanny who doesn’t wear a bra and has a pixie cut. She is confidence goals 2018.

Krystal is a fitness coach who has a homeless brother and is getting BY FAR the best edit of the episode. I *kind of* respect her for not having any botox even though I can’t stop staring at her over expressive forehead. She is also arm goals 2018.

Chelsea is a single mom from Maine. She’s also basically the only person from the Northeast on the show, which annoys me. What Krystal lacks in botox, Chelsea sure as hell makes up for it. Her face is less expressive than Kim Kardashian's. She also has great bone structure, but I’m having a hard time finding her attractive. Not like I’m one to judge since I look like a garden gnome, but still.

Limo Entrances

About nine times out of 10, the first person out the limo goes pretty far. That person this time was Caroline, who was my pick to win the whole thing after initially reading her bio. 

Second out the limo was Chelsea, who was trying way too hard to be mysterious.

The natural beauty Kendall, who is being called a taxidermist even though she just collects taxidermy, was third out the limo.

Weiner, Arkansas native Tia brought a tiny wiener and said “please tell me you don’t have a tiny wiener.” Arie’s response, “I do not have that,” makes me think he, infant, does not have a tiny wiener.

Krystal was given the most dramatic entrance thanks to production. She is obviously being fake AF based on her voice, which means it’s going to be hard for me to like her.

Bekah arrived in a cherry red 1965 Mustang straight out of an ‘80s movie. She’s Molly Ringwald but like, hotter.

Are Bekah’s boobs real?: An investigation

Highlights

ABC highlighted a bunch of Chelsea’s horrible jokes and her terrible personality. “Let’s just say the hair is down and the boobs are out,” she said, wanting to make a funny metaphor but instead saying a literal statement. I miss villains that were actually funny like Corinne, Chad and Olivia. 

Chelsea also said “That cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch,” referring to Bekah arriving in a cherry red Mustang. First of all, Bekah didn’t have cherry red lipstick on and secondly, she looked hot as hell next to that car, as shown above.

I want to wear Becca K’s dress at my open casket funeral because I love it and I’m not sure what other occasion I could wear it for?

We have Jenna to thank for making this episode somewhat interesting. She was either drinking a ton of vodka-redbull or somehow smuggled cocaine into the mansion. During her talk with Arie, she was massaging his feet and jumping around. In my opinion, she could have been drunker, but it’s not really her responsibility to carry the entire episode on her back, you know?

When you’re pretty enough to act crazy on the first date.

Arie told Krystal he wanted to know more about her and she responds with, “I’m a Libra” and just continued to talk in her fake baby voice. Arie is a Virgo, so technically they are a match.

Chelsea, after being the first woman to talk to Arie and somehow say absolutely nothing about herself, decided to interrupt another woman’s conversation with him and say nothing about herself, once again. However, they did kiss. (Should I write a post on how to kiss like Arie? I feel like it would be funny. Okay, fine, I’ll do it.) She later got to speak to him again when she was awarded the First Impression Rose. I feel like Arie didn’t know who to pick and production was like, “Pick Chelsea,” because they knew she would be this season’s villain. Fun fact: Sharlene Joynt once said in her blog that production usually makes villains out of the people who either get the First Impression Rose or the first One-On-One date.

Rose Ceremony

Worth noting: Becca K got the first rose at the rose ceremony, making her an early favorite. When she got out the limo she made Arie go on his knees and say, “Are you ready to do the damn thing?” and it reminded me of Chris’ intro on Desiree’s season. And we all know Chris won Des’ heart.

Five-ish girls (edit: seven) got sent home. I have no idea who they are, but they did take professional photos and start their own podcast and blog together. Just because they didn’t get far on The Bachelor doesn’t mean they can’t fulfill their dreams of becoming social media influencers. I, for one, am inspired. And if they’re annoying enough at the Women Tell All, they could even make an appearance on Bachelor In Paradise. Dream big, early rejects.

Early Top 5 Favs (in no particular order...)

Becca K.

Bekah

Krystal

Caroline

Tia

Fun fact: Did you know that people who are “thrill seekers” are more likely to be unfaithful in relationships? An example of this could be...hmmm, I don’t know, a race car driver. I learned this little fact from a guest psychologist on Ashley I’s “I Don’t Get It” podcast. And while I love to hate Ashley I., I do actually like her podcast. (Not the one with Ben, Mr. Snoozefest himself, the other one.) 

Anyway, do you think this fact is true? Obviously it doesn’t pertain to all thrill seekers, but I could see Arie fitting into the unfaithful category. He is free to prove me wrong, though.

I would like to give a special shoutout to my friend Erin Mully ake E-Mulch aka Baby Giraffe for live tweeting Episode 1 and 2 of The Bachelor for me while I was out of the country. Without her, I’d have like 30-ish less followers.

She did THAT. Also, follow me on twitter, @thebachdiaries

[thebachelordiaries]

Making Out With Rats: The Bachelor Hometown Date Recap

I have been so overloaded with The Bachelor this week. I’ve spent nine hours watching this franchise in total as opposed to the normal two. My thumbs are NOT. HAPPY. about all the live tweeting they’ve been doing, and will be doing later tonight.

So many things happened since last week’s episode: Ashley I won Winter Games alongside her new Canadian boyfriend Kevin Wendt, Luke Pell has been exposed as a douchelord for like the third time and Caroline Lunny totally aced her Bachelor In Paradise audition at the Women Tell All.

On top of all of this, I watched (illegally streamed) about seven episodes of the Bachelorette Canada. Needless to say last week’s hometown dates were the furthest from my mind.

Hometown dates are always one of my favorite episodes. If you think this entire process of The Bachelor is weird for a contestant, imagine how the contestants’ families feel.

Kendall

Would it have been Kendall’s hometown date if taxidermy wasn’t involved? Nope. Her and Arie played with dead rats at a taxidermy warehouse and and he was surprisingly into it.

We also learned that KENDALL has an identical twin named KYLIE. Someone alert the witness protection program because Kris Jenner is about to make their asses dissapear and make it look like an accident.

Totally unrelated to the show, but this is me whenever I wake up before 10 a.m.

Kendall’s sister (Kylie) looks like she owns a crystal ball and makes a living on predicting futures through palm reading. She didn’t read Arie’s palm, but she did sense a “space” between Kendall and Arie. Kendall’s dad agreed that she’s not “the girl” from him either. But I mean, there has to be a reason why Kendall’s still here, right? RIGHT?

Tia

Welcome to Weiner, Arkansas, a place that is basically just like Hoxie. Abc could’ve used the same b-roll from Raven’s hometown date last year and I wouldn’t have even noticed. 

Nevertheless, I’m not really complaining because I live for thick southern accents and dramatic confrontation.

Both Tia’s brother and father spoke to Arie about him being the “kissing bandit” and possibly a huge player, aka they were probably reading all about him on Reality St*ve. 

At the end of the day, Tia’s family was just happy that she found a guy who hasn’t been to prison. And since she has never been in a relationship where she’s gotten the bare minimum before, she confidently told Arie she was in love with him. And in typical Arie fashion, he just made out with her and said “I love that” in response. Actually, he didn’t do that, but my version was funnier.

Becca

In comparison to southern drawl, midwest accents just make me feel confused. You’re telling me someone didn’t sneakily put on the movie “Fargo” when I wasn’t looking. People talk like this in real life? 

Anyway, Becca took Arie to an apple orchard and they did cute fall shit while Arie’s warm-blooded Scotsdale body shriveled up from the cold.

Arie always finds a way to eat on camera.

We then meet Becca’s family, who is so Midwest it hurts. 

Becca has been through a lot. We all knew her dad died of a brain tumor, but apparently her mom also has cancer. Her Uncle Gary, a pastor, is the main father figure in her life now. I thought Uncle Gary was going to be hard on Arie, but the salt-and-pepper haired man got off easy. I think it’s because Becca is so clearly in love with Arie and blindly thinks she’s the frontrunner.

Lauren B.

Arie expressed that he “misses’ Lauren B. and “wants to see her,” which is the most expressive he’s been all season. They meet up at her hometown of Virginia Beach and rode horses in the sand, which is a pretty dope date. 

This is the face of a man who is ready to destroy his life for a woman.

Based on overtly-dramatic previews, it seems that Lauren B’s dad would possibly kill Arie he let anything happen to his daughter. 

Arie said he was more nervous meeting her family than racing in the Indy 500, but Mr. Lauren B, a conservative in the military, was immediately won over by Arie, who spoke about visiting Iraq along with other racecar drivers a few years back. Well played, Arie, well played.

Finally, we kind of figure out the mystery behind Arie and Lauren B’s connection. We learn they are a lot like each other. “He can be in a room with 15 other people and I know exactly what he’s thinking,” Lauren told her mom.

After schmoozing Lauren’s parents, trying harder than he did with the other three families, they gave their approval for a possible engagement.

At the end of the day, what’s another engagement for Lauren B? (someone told me on twitter she was engaged twice before? idk. NO SPOILERS PLZ) 

Rose Ceremony

I’ve been thinking Kendall would be going home for like six episodes now, so I’ve decided to never count her out again.

Once Arie pulled Kendall to the side to see if she’s serious about this relationship, Tia got antsy. She said Arie choosing her, Becca and Lauren “makes the most sense.” Bitch, what are you, a Bachelor producer?

In that moment I realized Tia was always just saying and doing the right things to get ahead. She’s probably still going to be The Bachelorette though.

So Arie, who honestly doesn’t make much sense anyway, kept Kendall and sent home Tia, who cried a lot.

Kendall, Becca and Lauren will now have the chance to spend “intimate, overnight dates” with Arie and possibly learn why Courtney Robertson called him the best lay she’s ever had....or possibly learn why Krystal called him a needle dick. It entirely depends on whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist.

[skoopph]

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[thebachelordiaries]

Truffle Butter Hunters— The Bachelor Ep. 7 Recap

The first thing I wrote in my notes during this episode was:

Arie is in love with Lauren B and if he doesn’t pick her, he’s dying alone.

He might still die alone if he picks her, but I can just tell she’s the one he really wants. At least for now.

This episode is the last one before hometown dates. This means three women need to go home. The episode had three one-on-one dates and one three-on-one date. Each date had the opportunity for someone to get a rose. Here’s how it went down.

Oh, btw, they were in the Tuscany, Italy-area.

Date With Becca K.

I said this the first episode and I said it again. Arie and Becca could be that couple that ends up looking exactly like each other in a few years. I think that’s why he’s drawn to her. She also seems an overall easy person to get along with and is a little bit too obsessed with Arie, like to the point where I’m kind of concerned for her.

They always say you should marry someone who loves you more than you love them, so I guess Becca would be the logical choice.

Date With Seinne

For someone Arie isn’t really into, Seinne got one of the cooler dates this season. They went to the countryside and met a “truffle hunter” and his truffle hunting dogs. 

No, I am not referring to “truffle butter.” A truffle is a form of fungus/mushroom that people put in food to make it seem more fancy even though it makes the food taste worse.

They then dined with the truffle hunter’s family and ate authentic Italian food and drank authentic Italian wine. Anddd now I’m hungry.

At the more formal part of the date, Arie dumped Seinne, which he had to do eventually anyway. Do I think she’s going to be The Bachelorette? No. But, I think she’s going to be just fine regardless.

Jacqueline Sends Herself Home

This part was way more dramatic than it needed to be. We didn’t see any connection between Arie and Jacqueline this entire season, but then we are supposed to believe they’re both having a hard time saying goodbye?

Jacqueline was me when I knew I wasn't going to get asked to prom so I just said I didn't want to go. She knew she wasn’t getting a hometown date, so she grabbed the remaining integrity she had left and sent herself home.

Date With Lauren B.

Once again, us (the audience) saw little to no speaking from Lauren B. during this date. However, it’s incredibly obvious that Arie wanted to impress her. He treats her different than everyone else.

During the dinner portion of the date, Lauren told Arie she’s falling in love with him and he immediately excused himself.

Live footage of Arie losing his shit (in a good way).

I like to think he had a lil accident in his pants, but he probably went to ask the producers if he could tell Lauren he was in love with her. He came back and told Lauren he was falling deeply in love with her. 

I kind of feel bad for Arie. When you like someone that much, it’s almost a guarantee the other person is going to stomp all over your entire heart.

3-On-1 Date

In my head, I suspected Kendall was going home and Bekah and Tia were getting the hometown dates.

But Arie isn’t playing by the script, which I admittedly like. I think he admired how Kendall handled herself during the 2-on-1 with Krystal, and is growing to like her more and more.

Oppositely, him and Bekah were hot from the beginning. But Arie and some of the other girls—like Tia— are a bit bothered by the age difference. Tia confronted Arie about her doubts on Bekah. Not only did she say her concerns to Arie, but she said them to Bekah’s face too. Gotta respect that.

Bekah, like the mature 22-year-old she is, cried like a baby in Arie’s arms.

Anyway, Arie said he has been “talking himself out” of liking Bekah M. for awhile, and it was finally time for him to cut the cord so she can blossom into a young woman (aka, go work on a marijuana farm and get reported missing by her mother.)

The remaining women are: Tia, Kendall, Becca and Lauren B. 

Personally think it’s just down to Becca and Lauren B.

By the way, I’m not going Bachelor Winter Games recaps, but I have been watching and I’m enjoying it a lot. I love Canadian Kevin. He’s bae.

[thebachelordiaries]

‘Ageism And Insecurities:’ The Bachelor Recap Ep. 4

This episode was filled with Krystal projecting her insecurities on the other girls and a whole lotta ageism about Bekah’s age.

That’s it. That’s the recap.

I’m tempted to just quit while I’m ahead, but I guess half the fun in this recap is writing down all my jokes and then laughing at them. Yes, I am a narcissist.

At the start of the episode, Chris Harrison entered the mansion to tell the women their journey around the word to find love starts now, and their first destination is...

(In my head I’m like, “Paris? London? Amsterdam?” At this moment, the women were so excited I wouldn’t have be surprised if at least one of them peed a little)

....Lake Tahoe.

There’s nothing wrote with Tahoe— it’s gorgeous and I need to go there because I’m a sucker for snow capped mountains— it’s just, their “around the world journey” is beginning one state over in Nevada.

From what I’ve heard, traveling while on The Bachelor isn’t as exciting as one would expect. They aren’t allowed to leave the hotel room unless they’re on dates, so all you’re really doing is sitting...in a foreign country.

Arie tries to sell us on how Tahoe is the “perfect place for him to find love.” I’m starting to become highly critical of this man because he can’t string any sort of sentence together. He’s like Chris Soules, but worse. Exhibit A:

Arie: I like hiking and being outside

Me, an intellectual: hiking IS outside

Anyway, let’s start talking about these dates. Luckily for Arie, Mr. Outdoorsman, they’re all outside.

1-On-1 With Seinne

Let’s forget the “I before E except after C” song we learned in elementary school because it’s SEINNE not SIENNE. I apologize for initially being part of the problem.

Can I get a show of hands? Raise your hand if you think Seinne is too good for Arie.

This woman came on The Bachelor on a mission to talk about lack of representation of black women in romance stories, and not even an unintelligible Arie can stop her. 

It was funny to watch Seinne carry the entire conversation on this date. At one point, through her questioning, we found out Arie has two younger twin brothers, one of which is married, and I swear we only met one. Where is the disgraced twin brother? I need to meet him.

We also learn that he likes being outside a lot, which, he says, is why he loves living in Scottsdale, ARIZONA!!!! Isn’t it hot as fuck there in the summer? I swear this man doesn’t even know what comes out of his mouth.

Arie gave Seinne a rose because she is saying and doing all the right things for this show, but I don’t think he’s into her. 

How to tell Arie is into a woman in four steps:

Sticks his tongue down her throat

Smothers her face with his hands

Converses with her by saying “Oh yeah?” after everything she says

Stares at her like she’s a piece of meat

Seinne for Bachelorette.

Good Ol’ Mother Nature Group Date

Imagine drinking pee to impress a guy? While that is not the world we live in, it was the reality for the seven or so women on this group date for about 30 seconds.

Arie “claimed” to have peed in an opaque bottle and then did the good ol’ “hold your nose” and swallow technique. I gotta say I was pretty shocked when he said it was just apple juice.....not. We couldn’t even see into the bottle so it could’ve been water for all we know.

Would I ever drink my pee for a guy? Yes, for James Franco. I know people will be disappointed in this but I saw Annapolis in like 2011 and I just can’t take it back. And speaking of pee, Mr. Franco (who is playing Aaron Ralston) drinks his pee during 127 Hours. 

The next part of this date was eating worms, which only Kendal and Tia were into. And for the grand finale, the girls had to hike through the mountains to their final destination: a hot tub, because this is The Bachelor after all.

My favorite scene from this episode was when Tia and Caroline were mimicking Arie, who had his arm around Krystal. The best part about this is that Krystal, who literally spoke all last episode about being aggressive, is annoyed that the other girls are out seeking Arie’s attention. She called them desperate.

And now, I’d like to call Krystal a hypocrite.

Krystal continued being the biggest hypocrite in Bachelor history during the cocktail party when she began projecting her insecurities onto the other girls. I recognized this insecure behavior immediately.

I know everyone says they want to be best friends with whoever seems the most fun on the show at the time, but I truly think I’m meant to be best friends with Tia and Caroline. We could rule the world. Well, they could rule the world without me, but I just kind of want to tag along.

Krystal pulled Caroline and Tia to the side to talk about their “behavior” and they took none of her shit. I believe at one point Caroline said in an ITM that Tia is about to “speed bag her face.”

A strong second for my favorite moment of this episode was when Krystal sat down on the couch, tapped Tia’s arm, said “hi friends” and Tia ignored her. Tia is a savage and I love her.

While I heavily question Arie’s taste for liking Krystal, he semi-redeems himself for giving Tia the rose.

The Bekah-ning

So guys, we finally learn that Bekah is, in fact, not a 114-year-old vampire. She is a 22-year-old nanny who is fresh out of college. Honestly feel like if she was over 100 she would be more age appropriate for Arie.

Here’s my issue with Arie acting like it’s SUCHHHH a big deal when he finds out Bekah is 22: he already knew she was young, at least under 25. He was already talking about how they may be at different times in their lives: Bekah is fun and likes to stay up past midnight while Arie has an earlier bedtime than my 90-year-old grandpa.

But when he finds out Bekah is 22, he’s shocked. What’s REALLY the difference between being 24 and 22? Half of the girls left are 25/26 anyway and (spoiler) he sends home the last remaining girl in her 30s this episode.

He just played it up to not seem like he digs younger girls, which we all know he does.

So yeah, Arie faked being shocked for 10 minutes while Bekah gave him doe-eyes. And then gave her the rose, like he was going to do all along.

Rose Ceremony

It’s 7:30 p.m. and The Bachelor starts at 8, so I’m going to wrap this up real quick.

ABC decided to increase the drama by not having a cocktail party before the rose ceremony.

Krystal confirms for the 900th time that she doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else but herself by interrupting Arie before he gives out the roses. She then talks to him in a whispery baby voice that makes me want to take three Advil.

Krystal is most certainly not here to make friends.

Brittany gets sent home, which sucked, I really liked her. But my girl CAROLINE getting sent home shook me so hard. I honestly thought she was a front runner. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her. Apparently she wants Peter Kraus to slide into her DMs, and if I had to give up Peter to one person on the planet, I guess it would probably be her. 

Caroline, see you in Bachelor In Paradise? Please?

After Brittany leaving, there are now NO women left in their thirties. Just a 23-year-old, a few 25-26-27-year olds and two 29-year-old and somehow a 22-year-old who is just WAYYYYY too young for Arie she has SOO0O0O0O0O much GrOwInG Up tO do.