#them because I’m not allowed to exist shoukd be enough you know?

[glindyupland]

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[tumblunni]

MORE UPDATES ON THINGS WHAT HAPPEN

The half week milestone of the hospital house thingie time! I think the term they use for it is "a residential stay"? Cos like its not a hospital its a shared housing block thats just full of doctors. I get to sleep in a real bed and there's a nice community room and board game nights and stuff. But its still really scary how intense the supervision can be! Like they have a window to look into your room once per hour every hour constantly. And they have to go through your undies and catalog them as part of the possessions check. I was not warned about that and it was mega embarassing trying to explain a binder to a bunch of old lady doctors! Oh and i had yo do a urine test today which was possibly the most fuckin embarassing thing in the actual universe. And you're not even allowed to take your own pills! They keep them locked in a big ominous wall of lockers and you have to come into the office and swallow the pill while theyre watching. I guess maybe because some people might be faking their illness and selling their pills on the black market or whatever? But that literally doesnt happen with antidepressants, they have no 'high' or even any effect at all on non-sick people. So it just makes no sense to me and its real embarassing cos like i said i suck at taking pills with plain water and without a straw. The ones i take are real damn chunky things the size of my thumbnail! I think i'l get better at not (literally) choking under pressure over time, tho. Hopefully.

Anyway that's all the bad out of the way! Now the good and the neutral and the just miscellaneous!

Its still nervewracking having to shower in a shared house but they have a cool walk-in shower and ive never tried one of those so it was vaguely interesting. And im allowed to take my showers early at 6am to minimize the chance of anyone else trying to use the door, lol. My biggest fear is having some staff member walk in on me when im naked like back in that homeless hostel. Oh or that time in the homeless hostel where the teenage boys filled the entire bathroom with inflated condoms wall to wall. Like wow so much damn effort to prank the stupid nervous bunni who probably would have been embarassed by literally anything else. Man this place is bringing so many memories of that homeless hostel but at least this time its a place specifically for sick people and they know i'm anxious doing shared cooking and board games and whatever so they dont make fun of me for it. But in a lot of ways that hostel had more freedoms too.. *shrug*

Anyway! A good! I get to have cooking lesson!! I know literally nothing about cooking and now i get to know several thing!! This nice doctor called Josie taught me how to make an omelette and i tasted ham for the first time! That is just how limited my life experiences are, lol. Oh and they want me to say that she's a 'mental health worker' not a doctor, but its all real confusing?? Like they have the staff that look after you and then the only ones we're supposed to call doctors are the ones who actually have the authority to prescribe pills and diagnosies. But like if youre in a hospital you'd call them all doctors, not just the actual surgeon? Or i guess theyre kinda like nursing home staff?? But they cant be support workers cos support workers are specific government assigned inspector type guys like Richard who only meet with you once a week.and i have to remember to not call him a social worker either cos social workers only work with family and custody related stuff. I dunno?? Basically the medical industry has a lot of names that dont really describe what the actual thing is, lol. Anyway the ham omelette was great and now im gonna try and remember so i can try and make it myself next time! HAM ACCOMPLISHED

Also i played bingo with a few other patients and it was fun but funny that i lost 6 times in a row when there were only 3 of us. I got a consolation prize of a pack of neon highlighter pens so hell yeah!!

I'm getting booked in to try some additional classes starting next week on monday and tuesday morning. The computer programming one was sadly unavailable, but i managed tp snag a place in "confidence building group therapy" and "basic how to use power tools". I wasnt really all that interested in that one but i thought it would be a useful skill even if its less fun. And maybe you get to actyally make something to take home at the end? A lil shelf to help organize this awkward lil room better, maybe?

And an unexpected bonus of being semi-hospitalized is that i get a free bus pass! And cos im here cos of my social anxiety theyre gonna help me get outside more and actually use this thing to the fullest! The first thing we did was the trip to actually get the bus pass itself. It was like "bus, take my money to take me to the place where i can never give you money again!" XD Ive been really stupidly nervous about going on tne bus in my old neighbourhood cos MAN it was really isolated there and everything just amplified my mental illness. An almost two hour bus ride to get to ANY SHOPS AT ALL, with only one bus for the whole town so it was always crowded and full of screaming kids and gossipy everyones. Social anxiety: maximum level proud mode!

So yeah i feel BIG ACCONPLISHED! I was able to take this bus for the first time with a doctor coming with me. Power Grandpa The Strong. His actual name is Paul and he has awesome sleeve tattoos of like anchors and dragons and sports teams and stuff! And he likes thrift stores and wearing silly hats too! Its like he's powerful enough to wrestle away everyone's anxieties! I was able to be a bit reckless too and i went out wearing my fave shirt thats like trans pride coloured plaid. A POWERFUL SHIRT IS REQUIRED FOR THIS QUEST! so we went to the office to register this bus pass and i panicked a bit cos apparantky we brought the wrong form and i wrote my name in the wrong box and then my passport photo looked terrible and aaa! But it all worked out and i was kinda freaking out for nothing. And he took me for a lil tour of the place and showed me this cool shop that does spray paint tye dye t shirts with spiderman on them?? Why does this incredibly specific shop exist and how have i never heard of it before?? There was also a new harry potter shop next to the disney shop, and the old used book store i used to visit as a kid was still there, complete with rickety spiral staircase and ominous basement trap door. I'm still not brave enough to go down there, but apparantly its just the history books section so meh. Then we actually went to a fancy coffee shop and i had this brain freeze mango ice frappucchino thing! Im trying all the new foods!!

And i was TOO HIGH ON DECADENCE and made a RECKLESS CHOICE! i blame power gramp's amazing tattoos, they were totally whispering to me that i shoukd screw the rules and ride off into the sunset on a metaphorical harley davidsen of mental health

So i was like Hey Paul I Am Totally Fine Getting Home On My Own, and it was like i was floating off in the distance somewhere begging my body to not speaketh these words. But it ended up working out okay! The excitement of it all and the sense of accomplishmebt from getting there all okay allowed me to mostly not freak out as i spent the day in town and looked at some shops and stuff. Basic Living Skills: Completed! I chilled out in the library (tho i dont have a card yet, alas!) and visited like five comic and anime stores, and got lost but found a Pizza Hut and that was SO NOSTALGIC FOR MY CHILDHOOD and it didnt taste quite as good as i remembered but the waiter guy was super nice and had a similar shirt and it was All Good! Oh and i gave all my money to a homeless person and that's why i'm broke now. And i bought a plastic slug! I just saw it from across the room and was like OH NO I AM BEING MAGNETISED TOWARDS IT OH NO IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BOUGHT. I need to think of a name for this new friend!!

So yeh i got home okay and i felt really acconplished and that was the furthest trip away that i've taken in ages! Man my mental illness makes me feel pathetic, but it also brings ridiculously big joys from the smallest of silly acconplishys!

Oh and thank you so much to the people who sent me emails! It really helped so much to keep me from giving up during the first few days before i made a bit of progress and felt like i could really do this, yknow? Especially big thanks tp the friend who sent me that mysterious super happy song that they found on a mystery disc in a german market?? Im still not sure whether its in greek or hasidic jewish but it sounds AMAZING and i hope someday i can figure out the band so i can hear their other singles!

Ok this is bunni out! BIG HUGS FOR THE EVERYONE AAAA

[avashofa]

You guys might have read most of my previous post my ex-boyfriend existed. I have posted as well stuff about relationships (which if course did not apply to me before). To start it all we have been together for almost seven years, yes! SEVEN YEARS. I have met like 80% if his family tree, experienced all his family”s drama but he haven’t met all of mine. They never really liked him.

We have gone through a lot, and I mean a LOT. From lying to infidelity. To sneaking at night to changing nicknames on the phonebook. To making a secret account to publicly humiliating your partner. All those years we have been trapped in each others life going to a black hole.

In this blog I will not be giving advices but instead to learn from my mistakes.

I loved him to much that I shared my password to the point that he was the one logging in and checking my account. I didn’t give him boundaries because I thought that this would show how much I trust him. He even unfriended (if there is such a word) all my guys friends and I allowed him, in return I would do the same. Ended up with me discovering secret accounts he made so that he could still communicate with his girl friends

I cut my close friends off, even my own family because he doesn’t want  me to. I spend all my time with him and missed out a lot of important events. My godchildren”s birthdays, friends’ birthdays and even family get togethers.  I missed like 6 years of pure fun (seriously). I regretted it..

I felt like I had to be the man since I was the one working. I paid for all our everyday expenses from eating to watching a movie. Everytime I would buy things for myself I would usually end up buying for him as well because I would feel guilty pampering myself and not including him, to think this was my hard earned money. I would buy matchy accessories and pay for everything. Matching flipflops, matching clothes and martching watches. I even got apply for a plan so that he could have an Apple iPhone so that we’ll be phone twinning, lucky him. Which I regretted as well, I could have save that money for my future. I was blinded and thought that we were gonna end up with each other and soon when he gets a job, he’ll do the same. I was wrong, he graduated then broke up with me.

I loved him yet I was doubtful. I don’t want him going out without me. I did not trust his friends and mostly his sister, she was like the devil for me, someone who was all sweet and friendly at front but would stab you at the back (short story bout the sister, she blocked me from facebook becuase she stole my clothes and would use her brother for debt payment). I shoukd always be with him if he would be going to the mall or go clubbing (but it never stopped him). Doubting would actually lead to cheating. He cheated a hundred times and I did as well (thinking I should get even). I never really understood what made me stick with him when I can be with those other guys that would make me happy. Maybe it was the thought that I have placed so much effort in him that it would be a waste to just let go. I made awful decisions then.

Always follow your so called “women instinct”. A lot of times my instinct would tell me to just let him go, move on and eventually you’ll find someone better. I never did, we kept fighting about a lot of things. I woke up at 3 am one time coz my spidey senses were tingling (no joke). I felt something was not right. I went to his apartment and no one was there, my senses told me he’d be in the club. Waited outside a club (I forgot the name thought) til 6 am and saw him wrapped around another girl, with his friends and sister (rolls eyes). That was already an alert but I still chased him. I was pretty much stupid in love.

Learn to let go, you should know when to stop. Example 1, I caught him with another girl, we broke up after. He asked for anothere chance, I forgave him and we got back. Example 2, I caught him multiple times communicating with his exes, and not just those ordinary texts. I should’ve broke up with him but I thought I could still change him. Example 3, he chose to hang out and drink with my colleagues rather than be with me then eventually learned he was getting all kinky with my supervisor. When you are no longer happy, when you continuously experience this kind of situations you really need to let go. Don’t get all mushy with the memories you had, that doesn’t help. If guys aren’t mature enough to be with you then let go. You need a man not a boy.

So months before we were suppose to turn 7 he broke up with me. Told me that he does not want me anymore. Told me that he was tired of my attitude. Told me there was no third party involved. After a week I just heard from friends that he got engaged, got the girl pregnant and dunnow the rest.

That got me really down, I was deceived the whole time. I was miserable, I felt like we where in a competition, I lost and he won. But a part if me was relieved, I was actually happy we broke up for real, I felt free. My family was still there for me and my friends comforted me. I was happy!, I got to spend more time with my sisters.

I went out with my close friends and even went on vacations with them.

Met more people (some throught tinder, lol) and joined different activities. I even joined Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and I’m  not even the athletic type.

  Eventually found my soulmate. And the experience is nothing like I have gone through before. I get to be the happiest me when I’m with him, I get to feel pure love. I enjoy and never get bored with our nonstop conversations.  I trusted him in everything he do, he never controls. He is like a ball of sunshine that gives warmth to every part of your body (you get what I mean). I have found my Man, who understands me, who is open to my thoughts. Who my family and friends loves because of his craziness, his humor. I found my best friend.

                  I Was Never Really Inlove Until Player You guys might have read most of my previous post my ex-boyfriend existed. I have posted as well stuff about relationships (which if course did not apply to me before).