#there are a lot of things to clown nicole for but that doesn't give you the right to be racist

[skyhawkstragedy]

i just knew it wasn't long before we got an anti-Asian comment from this fandom in retaliation this season

[niche-pastiche]

SPN Clown Meta no one asked for.

From the person's mind that brought you the SPN Gun Meta no one asked for. It's the SPN clown meta no one asked for!

Though a more accurate title would be:

Clowns, Dean's internalized homophobia, Sam Meta and a case for Dean/Ash.

Just a warning up front, this deals with some heavy topics, and if that's not your cup of tea for meta, consider skipping this one

Things discussed within include: Discussion of the heavy implications that Sam is a CSA survivor. Discussion of the serial murderer and child predator John Wayne Gacy (no graphic detail). The "predatory gay" trope. Homophobia of the 1955 "Boys Beware" anti gay PSA variety. That same brand of homophobia, but internalized. The general homophobic background noise of the 2000s.

Use your best judgement and stay safe. I totally understand this meta's not going to be for everyone.

Okay lets start by listing off some episodes with clowns in them/mentioned in them.

2.02 Everybody Loves a Clown written by John Shiban Lots of clowns. So many clowns. Clowns out the wazoo. Going to go in depth on this one later in the post. 2.05 Simon Said written by Ben Edlund There’s a line about clowns. Specifically a reference to John Wayne Gacy. 5.11 Sam, Interrupted written by Andrew Dabb and Daniel Loflin Serial killer and sexual predator John Wayne Gacy's clown art is mentioned when Dean sees some creepy clown art done by Martin Creaser, an extremely anxious frightened man. 7.14 Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie written by Andrew Dabb and Daniel Loflin Clown is an evil effeminate man working at a Chucky Cheese who specifically looks for vulnerable children (and brings drawings of their worst fears to life) 11.07 Plush written by Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder Clown is just a man. A good man. Mistakenly accused of being a bad man. 14.13 Lebanon written by Andrew Dabb and Meredith Glynn Clown is the literal ghost of John Wayne Gacy 14.20 Moriah written by Andrew Dabb Clown is the literal ghost of John Wayne Gacy. 15.01 Back and to the Future written by Andrew Dabb Clown is the literal ghost of John Wayne Gacy.

Please notice just how much John Wayne Gacy shows up in this. It's not the Joker (Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger or Mark Hamill varieties.) Not Bozo or Buster Keaton. The go to reference is John Wayne Gacy. We get one mention of Ronald McDonald.

5 out of 8 of those instances are Gacy. Three of them are his actual ghost. There's something going on here.

Now lets take a closer look.

(I put an absolute clown car worth of meta after the cut)

Going in reverse order, we can set 15.01 14.20 and 14.13 to the side right now. John Wayne Gacy is John Wayne Gacy. It's not deeper than that.

But who is John Wayne Gacy? Why's it relevant to SPN?

If we want to understand what 2.02 Everybody Loves a Clown says about Dean Winchester's internalized homophobia, we have to understand what all things he's internalizing. Dean's go to clown reference is Gacy, so it obviously left an impression.

Wikipedia puts it thusly:

"John Wayne Gacy (March 17, 1942 – May 10, 1994) was an American serial killer and sex offender known as the Killer Clown who assaulted and murdered at least 33 young men and boys. Gacy regularly performed at children's hospitals and charitable events as "Pogo the Clown" or "Patches the Clown", personas he had devised."

But that really doesn't give a full picture of who this dude was, or what it has to do with Dean.

Gacy was a horrible predatory man who preyed on teenage boys and if you want the particulars of that you can look it up yourself. It was brutal. There were twenty-six dead, brutalized bodies were found in the crawl space of Gacy's home.

Which brings me to why this meta is about....

Clowns and Dean's internalized homophobia.

If you want to understand the Winchester's framework for who queer people are and what queerness is, you've got to remember that Dean was growing up during the AIDs crisis in an environment where the media he is exposed to is hardly likely to portray gay, much less bisexual men in a positive light. And Dean's ideas of queerness has been shaped by horror movies and high profile sex offenders.

I've never watched Lost Boys, but @deanwasalwaysbi puts it nicely, saying "Dean’s clearly very into Lost Boys, the 1987 queercoded gay vampire panic version of peter pan, complete with AIDS metaphors and fear of family acceptance."

That's the mental stage on which Everybody Loves a Clown is set. Queerness as predatory.

2x02 Everybody Loves a Clown

It's the second episode of season 2. John Winchester has just traded his life for Dean's. Dean is dealing with heaps of survivor's guilt. Their Dad, the head of household. The one traditionally responsible for protecting to the family (and who took that responsibility to unhealthy extremes) is dead.

Everybody Loves a Clown takes place one week later.

And Dean is managing. At the start of the episode, he's rebuilding the Impala. This is a good thing.

The Impala is Dean's childhood home, but also a symbol of himself. It's doing well when Dean is. It's not when he's not. This metaphor is established in the previous episode 1x01 In My Time of Dying during this conversation between Bobby and Sam while Dean is lying in the hospital dying after the car crash:

SAM looks down at the mangled car. BOBBY is there as well. SAM: Oh man, Dean is gonna be pissed. BOBBY: Look, Sam. This... this just ain't worth a tow. I say we empty the trunk, sell the rest for scrap. SAM: No. Dean would kill me if we did that. When he gets better he's gonna want to fix this. BOBBY: There's nothing to fix. The frame's a pretzel, and the engine's ruined. There's barely any parts worth salvaging. SAM: Listen to me, Bobby. If there's only one working part, that's enough. We're not just going to give up on... BOBBY (quietly) : Okay. You got it.

At the start of Everybody Loves A Clown, Dean is fixing things. He's staying occupied. He's putting in the work to get better. And so the car is getting better too. And he's fixing the car because it's something he can fix. He can't save his dad, but he can save this car. The only home he's ever known.

Dean's in rough shape, but he's getting better. He's putting in the work at self improvement.

The boys head to roadhouse, and find Ash asleep on the pool table. Like this. And the pose feels weirdly sexy in a way I can't pinpoint.

Sam moves on when they determine that Ash is not a chick and thus probably not Ellen, but Dean who walked closer, lingers longer.

And glances back while walking away.

Dean gets so distracted, in fact, that Jo is able to sneak up on him and hold him at gunpoint.

When we get our first real introduction to Ash...

Dean starts flirting with him within the first minute of meeting him.

"You got to be kidding me. This guy's no genius. He's a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie." is a compliment coming from Dean. And Ash's appearance tells Dean enough to know that it would be one to Ash too. Dean's tone makes that clear even if you didn't know anything about Lynyrd Skynyrd.

If you watch Dean's body language in this scene, it may look a little closed off, but mostly it looks a lot like the thing guys do sometimes where they'll cross their arms so they can tuck their hands under their biceps to make their muscles look bigger. It's as adorable as it is obvious. And his body is turned towards Ash.

He's flirting. Dean Winchester starts this episode openly flirting with an openly queer man.

Ash responds positively, and Dean moves in closer.

What do I mean Ash is openly queer?

I can not possibly emphasize enough just how loudly queer this feral country boy is. This is 2006. Ash is wearing his gay little vest with his already very skinny frame and he's got one ear pierced.

Please trust me when I say that Country Good Ol' Boys like Ash (who we find out in 5x16 Dark Side of The Moon grew up in a snake handling church) did not pierce their ears in 2006 to be trendy.

People aren't going to see that and think he's cool, or punk. They're going to see it and know he's gay.

Literally the only reason for a guy like Ash to be walking around in 2006 with an earring is because he's loudly and proudly gay.

And Dean notices. Dean's interested.

By the end of that conversation, Dean's body language is open and entirely directed towards Ash. He's impressed. And he's considering it. As Ash leaves Dean takes his chance and complements Ash's hair. Look at that face. That is Dean's flirting face! And Ash is preening under the attention.

Gif description: "By the way, I dig the haircut." Dean flirts. Ash flirts back, preening a little as he says "Business in the front. Party in the back." Complete with a little hair toss of his mullet.

Of course, the second Ash leaves, Dean checks out Jo's ass. As if to remind himself and the world that he's still into women.

Sam's fear of Clowns. Why Clowns? Why Gacy?

Ellen hands Sam the folder on the child abducting clown and is kind of gentle, hesitates a little a first when she says "I was going to give this to a friend of mine."

I think the implication being that she was going to give it to their dad.

Which makes sense considering how almost obsessively protective their dad was of Sam. And honestly, in light of the clown symbolism, I'm feeling pretty dang protective of Sam too.

Okay let me explain. And tie things into another clown episode.

In 7x14 Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie, it's heavily implied that Sam was abused by a child predator after Dean left him at one of those play places as a kid. When Dean calls and asks Sam "Do you remember a chain called Plucky Pennywhistle's?" Sam's face looks genuinely afraid at just the mention of them.

SAM: [after a pause] No. DEAN: Really? Could have swore you loved those places. SAM: No, dude, I hated them. Uh, you would dump me and go trolling for chicks. DEAN: It's not like I left you in jail. I mean, those places are supposed to be fun.

Dean asks Sam to go investigate and when Sam expresses reluctance, sounding genuinely scared now, Dean wonders aloud "Yeah, what in the world did they do to you?" And Sam makes a face Dean can't see from over the phone that says clearly they did something.

The reason they stamp kids hands at those kinds of places are to make sure that each kid leaves with the adult they came in with, and while it's better than nothing, it's incredibly far from fool proof.

Dean left Sam in those places unsupervised as a kid, and if Dean's account is at all trustworthy it seems like Sam's fear of clowns was something developed after that started. And Sam would have been particularly vulnerable, as isolated as he was.

The bad guy in that episode turned out to be an employee at Pennywhistle's who targeted vulnerable children. And also targeted Sam Winchester.

In 1x18 Something Wicked, we find out that a Striga who disguised itself as a pediatrician and preys on children targeted Sam as a child. Azazel has appointed himself in the role of an evil coach at evil summer camp and made sexual comments about Mary Winchester while wearing the body of her dead father during 4x03 In the Beginning. (The same Samuel Campbell who Sam works so closely with after he comes back from hell soulless.) then broke into their house while John was asleep and bleed in Sam's mouth infecting him with demon blood. Then, there's a scene from 5x22 Swan Song which only works if watched while remembering that boys and men can be victims too.

In some astoundingly good acting by Jared Padalecki, we watch Lucifer (wearing Sam's skin) bring together people who have all taken advantage of him at some point in the past. An elementary school teacher. Sam's "prom date" (guys can also be coerced into sex) and Doug from "that time in east lancing."

The show doesn't say it outright, but it insinuates it. Rewatch that scene with an eye towards that and it becomes clear. Sam Winchester has been through repeated revictimization. (Sam's storylines are dark, y'all. Ruby was his abusive girlfriend and drug dealer. Meg 1.0 repeatedly makes unwanted sexual advances on him. Sam is dealing with A LOT.) There's themes of self harm/drug use (demon blood) and coercion and being taken advantage of that Sam's stories put center stage and portray as matters of importance to the entire world. This stuff that usually gets wrongfully minimized and dismissed as "teen girl problems", as if that makes it less important.

Is it messed up that this show had to give a man those stories to be able to address them seriously? Yeah. But I'm still glad they did it.

Because Sam's got a lot going on to write meta about if you look past the stories you'd expect based on his gender.

Anyway, it's little wonder why the show uses Gacy's Pogo the Clown as the quintessential clown instead of someone else. Because Sam's fear isn't really about clowns.

Back to Everybody Loves a Clown though. Dean doesn't know about the clown case yet. He's off going through the motions of flirting with Jo but his heart's not in it. And he realizes that so he gives up before even really trying. And like... she calls him on the fact he was going to try a pickup line. There's no chemistry there. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

In the office at the carnival, there are two chairs. One's a normal one, and the other looks like a clown. Sam looks incredibly uncomfortablewhen he has to essentially sit on this plastic clown's lap.

In this episode, we also discover that Dean hates funhouses.

Hmmm. I wonder why? Is it because they're full of mirrors that reflect yourself back at you, but distorted. Is the metaphor a little too on the nose surrounded by all those clowns?

At the job interview for the traveling circus or whatever, this exchange happens:

MR. COOPER: You see, this place, it's a refuge for outcasts. Always has been. For folks that don't fit in nowhere else. But you two? You should go to school. Find a couple of girls. Have two point five kids. Live regular. DEAN is about to say something, but SAM leans forward, eyes serious. SAM: Sir? We don't want to go to school. And we don't want regular. We want this.

Dean sits back and shuts up, looking at Sam trying to figure him out.

Suddenly Sam has started caring about what "dad would have wanted" now that John's dead. (Please take a moment to note that the entire plot of season 2 is about how the demon that their dad has been trying to hunt down and kill is one that sneaks into children's nurseries and bleeds in babies mouths and kills their mothers. This show is not subtle with its aids fears. But they're all filtered through a bizarre brand of masculine right leaning home invasion fantasy.)

And Dean's stuck reassessing how safe it is to come out of the closet right now.

Anyway, the rest of the episode happens and Dean and Sam fight a child abducting clown in a funhouse and Dean hates fun houses and Sam hates clowns.

And then it's back to the roadhouse.

What's with Dean's lack of chemistry with Jo?

I swear this interaction with Jo looks more than anything like she's trying and failing to flirt with Sam. But Sam's just being an idiot and reads it wrong.

I know that's not what they meant for it to look, but that's what it does look like.

And then we're back to Ash again with the way Dean says "Hmm. Can I be honest with you? See, normally I'd be hitting on you so fast it'd make your head spin. But, uh, these days... I don't know."

This is a boy who's probably not fully aware that bisexuality is even a thing. But Jo seems a bit more informed. "Wrong place, wrong time?" Jo replies knowingly, as they are waiting for Ash to return any minute now.

"Yeah," Dean mutters, not making eye contact.

"It's okay. I get it." She assures him.

And then Ash opens the door. Returning triumphant. And this time he's lost the shirt he had on under his home made vest. He's showing significantly more skin, and dropping a Pink Flamingoes reference.

Pink Flamingos is a cult classic and it's extremely queer.

This feels like Ash is testing Dean to see if it was just a fluke or if Dean really is queer.

To admit knowledge of Pink Flamingoes is to admit to some level of familiarity with queerness. And Dean does.

Sam looks confused at the reference, but Dean just takes it in stride. Ash glances at Dean, and then continues.

And then Dean, reaches out to touch Ash's laptop. And the way it is filmed is... It's kinda sensual? Anyway, Ash drinks Dean's beer. Ellen, who took in this squirrelly country boy after he got kicked out of M.I.T. for "fighting" (i think it was probably self defense), and who is raising this kid like he's one of her own, watched this interaction and offers them a place to stay.

Ellen hands Dean an excuse to stay the night.

Somehow I get the feeling Ash doesn't have a lot of friends. And even fewer queer ones. Ellen is being a good adoptive mama to this young gay man who likely has no other family to turn to. The entire roadhouse is so gay. I love it, y'all. (Even the gun Ellen pulled on the boys was a really butch choice. Gender roles are something that happen to other people in the Harvelle's roadhouse.)

But Dean says no. He's not quite ready to come out yet. But he's so close.

And then Sam and Dean are back at the Impala. Dean's Baby. Having a heart to heart about Sam's feelings and grief over their dad. Grief that Dean is (at that particular moment) doing his best not to wallow in. I don't think it's a coincidence that Dean is considering exploring more of what life has to offer right after John died in suspicious enough circumstances that Dean can guess that some kind of deal was made, even if he doesn't know for sure yet.

SAM: I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right. Not at all. (Tears in his eyes.) But neither are you. That much I know. (pause) I'll let you get back to work.

But Dean is listening to Sam here as someone who was just starting to think that maybe it's alright to be queer. Who was thinking that maybe the family he has left would accept him. Would understand that being a little different from who they thought was doesn't mean he's evil or predatory.

Dean goes back in the closet and hates himself.

They've been fighting killer clowns in funhouses and now he's hearing "You're not all right" as a sign to stay in the closet.

Because now's not the time. Or "it's not safe" or "think about your family" or how he "can't add one more thing for Sammy to deal with right now." or maybe it's just wrong.

So Dean takes a crowbar to the Impala.

Just last episode it was established that the state of that car reflects the state Dean's in as a person. So I think directly attacking his car like, destroying something he loves and cares about, counts as an indirect form of self harm.

So Dean beats himself the car up over it. The part of the car specifically made for carrying baggage around.

And stays in the closet.

Which finally brings me to the whole reason this meta demanded to be written. The episode title.

Everybody Loves a Clown by Gary Lewis & The Playboys.

It is a Dean/Ash anthem. Check out the lyrics and tell me this does not sound like Dean "Undiagnosed Adult ADHD, Internalized Homophobia, Closeted Bisexual" Winchester.

I don't know how to say that I love you 'Cause you would smile and say, "Tell a joke or two" Yes, I'm a clown but I don't wanna be Why can'tcha see the other side of me? Guess I'll be the guy who plays the part Of a clown with a broken heart Dreamin' of your love and not knowin' where to start

This is the episode that sold me on the idea Dean is Bi.

Originally I was going to write more about how Martin Creaser is also afraid of clowns and is so convinced that Benny must be predatory. But I think this meta has gotten too long already so I'll leave it here for now.

Dean/Ash took up too much space for me to get to Dean/Benny. But I think I made my case about the clown symbolism well enough without the Martin stuff.