#there are gaps in the barrier i have that i can't seem to willingly ever take down
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i'm gna focus on fixing my tumblr soon :>
#i haven't really rambled here quite often hmmm#there's a lot i want to write. to say. but i think recently i've been at a loss for words?#torn between receiving too much/too little & giving too much/too little at the same time#there's a lot in my notes. so much i haven't shared or done yet. maybe some never anymore#too much wishes and dreams and hopes. how do i reach out for it to be my own...?#>< that said i don't want to ramble too much on my main anymore! i'm gna fix it n#vent on my spam acc as i should#i'm like. honestly torn recently between hiding and distancing myself or#be as normal as i cld possibly be? but. i have my qualms with that#bcs one thing i want to focus on yeah is being 'real'. authentic. honest. open.#which come naturally to me often but on the opposite end being unintentionally secretive also comes naturally#there are gaps in the barrier i have that i can't seem to willingly ever take down#tumblr. if i'm not the first to initiate. if i'm brain empty enough#oh god the problem recently is with certain aspects i feel i haven't. reciprocated what i've been given#i have a lot of thanks n stuff i've written in my notes regarding smth one of you here wrote me a bit before my bday. yeah#i read it before the 29th ended;;;; i have so much to day but i wna write back a coherent ask#& then that along w my parents. i can't help but feel like i haven't done anything quite as much for you#as well as another friend#& then on the other end there's. yeah. the opposite basically#but it's not quite so black n white. it's complex.#maybe it's wearing me down trying trying to do my best to find solutions. waiting waiting for an opening. i'm not sure#i think it has been weighing me down but i have to face it. but i'm not sure how#one step at a time. but i'm afraid that what if damage i'm unaware of has already been done? how do i#make amenda for all i've done & couldn't do? how do i express gratitude. how do i apologize. what do i do next.#i honestly just like rambling here on tumblr it feels safe for me. but.#i've been a bit too messy here? so a part of me is rather afraid i think#have i been too much. & then in regards to people/ have i reciprocated enough?#procrastinating is really a problem for me;;;; & then anxiety genuinely hinders me n makes me hesitate so much w stuff#but when i do things for others. is it repetitive. does it get annoying. does it really reach you or am i not enough. or too much too little#running around in circles in my head! i should be able to save myself. no i'm fine. right now i'm fine i have to be fine i can't falter now
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