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#there's so much internal discomfort and I need to expel it onto someone else
lemememeringue
·
2 years
Text
struggling to process today's session. I am not having a good brain day and it's deeply frustrating to Speak Wrong
#mine
#lem experiences cognitive behavioural torture
#well. not Wrong. just that spaghetti at wall word vomit until I find a topic I can string together multiple sentences for.
#I meant to gather my thoughts the previous night but didn't
#touched briefly on my fear of mental deterioration. I tried and probably failed once again to express how little I'm worried abt my body
#which is frustrating in a different way bc I'm NOT as comfortable sharing my dx rap sheet as I used to be so I'm greatly understating
#how much the body is zapping from me. like it's not one or two comorbidities it's like 8 and no I WON'T be seeing another specialist
#''but don't you want to know what's wrong?'' I know what's wrong old man. I'm not having another 70$ copay to be told it's ''not THAT bad''
#I'm getting closer to angry eye contact tho so that's nice. I hope he's the sort that would respond involuntarily to a glare.
#there's so much internal discomfort and I need to expel it onto someone else
#anyway I told him abt the walk w big sis and he was like ''that's p far'' ??? no?? ''it's a couple miles and a steep hile'' yes.
#''that's a lot'' no? ''it is if you don't regularly do that'' ?? I agree w this statement but I cannot apply it to myself
#yeah yeah going from 0 to 100 bad but ????? the goal was to coffee shop? I met the goal? why is goal moved backwards?
#''you could try walking half the distance on the less steep route for a couple days'' BUT WHY
#I DID THE THING
#I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF CAPABLE WHY MUST I DO EXTRA
#the fucking logistics of this sucks. now instead of one good day when the weather and my schedule and pain levels align... I need several??
#I think this is to build up stamina and get me out of the house but holy fuck there's a reason I don't go out more often
#it took a 4day weekend and a fucking miracle to go on the first walk
#during my complaining he mentioned that my trouble w visual overwhelm was align w a symptom of ''one of the diagnoses your mom suspected''
#and it's just A) ... duh. it's the 'tism. B) she was repeating the words of my doctor. C) why does this guy not believe I'm autistic
#clearly I'm not bothering him enough. I must find a way to rectify this immediately
#lem has a body
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