#theres even more layers to it than this. i just needed to get the brunt of it out of my system

[coldresolve]

rambling again but now its about trans healthcare and mental health. and the danish nhs' take on both those things which is, yknow, shit

its less rambling and more of a rant bc im tired lol

i read a statistic today that suicidal ideation for trans people who sought medical transition but were denied treatment rose by 67%. which was affirming in the sense it made me realize that maybe im not a pussy for being pretty badly affected by my last 2 denials, but also its depressing in the sense of like, good god, please just allow me to access the healthcare i need. what the fuck

i was at my GP a week ago and asked for another referral, and he was like "well its only been 5 months since they refused you last time". and i told him they wouldn't even agree to the 6 month full team psych eval that preceeds any actual prescriptions of hrt, they just called me "unstable" after a 1 hour conversation in which i specifically directly told them that i know myself, i was in a stable place in my life, im settled in my decision, i know the risks, i'm well aware of the scope of treatment, this trans thing isn't some recent thing for me, etc etc. they called me "unstable" and denied even evaluating me for treatment, because i was only 3 months in remission from a major depressive episode. which isn't a good prognosis for a trans guy who's had to deal with chronic depression for the last decade and a half. when will i ever be "stable" then? it's not like they gave me a clear timeline. (also - as if being denied treatment ever helped any trans person with depression lol. again, that statistic huh). i told my GP i want to put pressure on them, because that's literally the only option i have right now for recieving healthcare. and even after telling him all this it took a good 10 minutes of conversation before he agreed to give me a referral

and im not an unreasonable person but if they refuse treatment again im gonna file a complaint with the patient rights thingy, even though i have never filed a complaint about anything before in my life. im willing to go to the media, idgaf. i just want to be treated for dysphoria instead of being left to deal with it on my own, in the way i have been since the first time they denied me. i'm not "unstable". its been a year. i want medical care. that's it.

and the most infuriating thing is, this whole process is kinda showing me exactly why i'm not alone in this? a THIRD of transgender danes get prescriptions and surgery referrals outside the nhs, either gendergp or the black market or whatever. i don't understand how more people aren't appalled by that statistic, in a fucking supposed welfare state. like what do you want us to do? "they're self medicating" say the danish critics of gendergp, and yep, that's how it works. a person with chronic pain who gets denied treatment will probably also look for alternatives. what else do you expect them to do? are they supposed to just... be miserable?

moreover, what do you expect low income trans people like me to do, who can't afford gendergp because the cost of living crisis + insufferable rent leaves us with basically no disposable income? yo, quick question, bøgens fædreland,

what the fuck do you want me to do

[sounknownvoid]

How about sam owning his power?

Yes, another random too late at night on our boy sammy! - he just wont leave me alone!... :)

Thing that strikes me about spn and the dynamics bw sam n dean is the power imbalance - and theres multiple kinds at play and im sure ill screw it up in laying out all the layers i see in my head out here but here goes:

Theres initially the little bro v big bro power imbalance - in favour of dean - but theres also the perceived (by dean) power imbalance in favour of sam as he thinks dad only cares about sams safety and + his own love for sam makes him think sams got him wrapped around his finger - thing is, the fact that deans willing to do anything for sam is not necessarily sams doing but it scares dean that sam has that effect on him.....never understanding that he has the same hold on sam.

Then, as they get older, deans faster,stronger,better at hunting,fighting and gets all the parise from dad as a result while sam is the "runt" - scrawny & reluctant (and probably part of his reluctance to join hunting family business is that teenage-attitude of "ah well, im never gonna be better than dean or dad, why bother?") So he doesnt try harder than he has to, to get by ....so the physical power balance for a long time is also with dean growing up...and it suits dean just fine - after all, who doesnt like being "adored big brother" ?...but also given deans fear of sams emotional power over him, & sams intellectual prowess that dean already starts to see in him, dean revels in his physical skills and it makes him feel indulgent and sorta ok with caring for and about his sammy and in his mind balances the scales that sams adoration of him for his skills n physical powers somehow negates the emotional hold of sam on him...& so the scales remain balanced sorta...

A bit older again and sam starts to physically shoot up and he seems to pick things up quicker, is braver than dean at standing up for himself (&im sure on behalf of dean too, sometimes) more n more with dad and theres that damn intellect and that emotional hold on dean already...the scales far as dean can see is tipping slowly away from him....and then sam is (whether due to weecest/wincest feelings developing or just normal teenage angst doesnt matter here) pulling away in teenage fashion: more n more away from dean too so now dean feels like hes left feeling the brunt of that emotional pull more n more (again because theres wincest elements on deans part or not is irrelevant here - its just the emotional gap created when the person you're so closely attached to since childhood pulls away - but this is probably felt even more intensely by dean coz of the hunting lifestyle n lack of other human connections) - leaving dean feeling vulnerable af - which hed hate....and resent sam for .... & would see it as sam holding all the power - even if it may not objectively be true or even something sam is aware of....remember, he's just a kid - drawing boundaries n learning about himself as he grows....

Stanford being the 1st big decision sam makes on his own, asserting his independence - is a blow to dean -to him, thats sam exercising that power of his and being selfish and uncaring of impact on dean - after all, dean had to give up his life,his dreams for sam n his dad - why isnt sam doing the same?... and all the resentments at not just him being the only one to make sacrifices in the family but also of this growing power imbalance towards sam kicks in....and he hates it - he hates that sam doesnt need him anymore, is off making his own decisions, hes likely to be off creating and living his own life pretty soon - & wheres dean then?

As s1,s2 progresses, we see more n more sam being pushed into giving up his power, his independence more n more in favour of dean - not just by circumstances and hell/heaven conspiracy but also emotionally/mentally by people he loves the most - dad, bobby, dean...because the choice for him is "its either our love and acceptance or your own power" & ofc he chooses "family" & " love & acceptance" - cloaked in shame,guilt and humiliation.... theres no thought given by his "loved ones" to " how could we help understand sam's powers and help him manage it", train it or anything remotely positive - its instantly :sam has powers = sam is bad - why? - because he's now 6'4, strong physically,mentally and his only vulnerability is his love for his family: dean mostly at that stage... & they even mention munchausens syndrome by proxy in one of the episode - coz thats basically whats being done to him - hes being made to believe that his powers are inherently evil and therefore he's sick and he "needs" dean to deal with it...and terrified & in absence of any support,ofc he does, he does need dean to deal with it/with himself - slowly eroding his trust in himself... not blaming dean here - as to him its his own "life or death" + identity crisis situation - if hes not looking after sammy, who is he, what does he do with his life? (that "african root-induced dream walker in bobbys/deans head" episode makes it pretty explicit)...

S3/4 - hes had a bit of time on his own & hes found a "teacher" - ruby....thing is, he wouldnt have been that vulnerable to ruby to begin with, if hed received even a tiny bit of guidance n care n understanding of how to manage/control his powers ... so ofc, at his lowest he succumbs to anyone offerring him any kind of guidance or control over himself, coz hes already been conditioned to not trust himself - and why shouldnt he take it from a demon - isnt he already been called evil freak by his own? ...he might as well ...

To dean on his return this is worst case: sammy having his own power and his powers....again wincesty lens might add other layers but for this essay(sorry)!: 1xof the factors influencing deans reactions have to be also the power imbalance tipping towards sam again( he even says in one episide all huffy "well you dont need me, you & ruby can hunt demons on your own" whil packing his duffel) - yes theres jealousy n care that his bro is being manipulated by a demon and his own hell trauma etc,etc....but - lets not forget that hes also feeling that sense of loss of control n power over sam specifically...and so ruby is not the only one manipulating sam in this season...and love is not an excuse for manipulation....and dean is not immune to using it to get what he wants - ie sam (wincest or not doesnt matter here either - outcome is still the same that dean wants).

From s4 to almost upto s10 its a steady degradation of sam and loss of him owning his own power,his body,his self,his personhood.... and each time he tries to reclaim it, hes emotiinally beaten up into giving it up again - so that he can be loved - he is pretty much a "batterred wife" at that point, having given up his power to dean (&lucifer&gadreel via dean &...) - until he starts to fully reclaim again s11 onwards - but in a way thats much more "acceptable" to dean.... hearing words he says to charlie or to mary or to sully about how hes accepted that this is his life now and he loves it - this is somehow supposed to show sams "maturity" in acceptance of his respinsibilities in hunting n saving people etc ... but to me, its not really if you've been watching - its him being a "batterred wife", trading his power for love n acceptance... because he knows that dean will never fully accept sam in his full power....he cant as hes too scared of what he doesnt understand (incl himself). Again wincest lens would amp all of this to intensityx10...

It is these experiences that he then uses to help guide and care for young kids that cross his path showing abilities - incl jack.

If theres ever a reboot i hope its this - i hope its with a sam that starts to see visions n telekinesis etc and he gets support n kindness and understanding & faith in him - while he figures out his training himself - itd be amazing if its dean who "comes around" - hell id even settle for a dean that "comes around" in midst of "when levee breaks" and they run off and hole up somewhere n get sam his rest n care from dean and then training for him.....n they stop the apocalypse together but with sam having his full powers n dean proudly supporting him and himself being powerful in his own right... so that i can believe that its possible to be powerful n strong in your own right and still be loving and kind and caring and loved n accepted in return...

I'll stop here with that beautiful image in my head to help me sleep n not cry over how they did sammy anymore... :) ...not sure any of it made sense, sorry ... n thanks for reading?..