#theres just something so inspiring about coma buck actually

[capseycartwright]

and half of my heart has always been yours

Lightning doesn’t strike twice –

Except it did.

Because Eddie is thirty-five, when he watches Buck’s lifeless body disappear behind glass doors and he realises in that moment that Evan Buckley is the love of his life.

And he’s dead.

Eddie spends eight days in the hospital waiting for his best friend to wake up from his coma so that he can tell him that he loves him. It's kind of the worst eight days of his life.

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Eddie was thirty-one years old when he watched his wife die. It’s a moment he would never forget, not as long as he lived, and maybe even after that – as he got older, he was more able to sit with his grief, accept it as part of himself, and he was glad he had been there: glad that in her final moments, Shannon hadn’t been alone. He had been able to give her that much, at least, even if he hadn’t been able to give her much else over the course of their relationship, their marriage.

Eddie is thirty-five, when he watches his best friend in the entire world get struck by lightning, and he clambers up a ladder – a metal ladder, he realises later, hardly a safe place to be in the middle of a lightning storm, but surely lighting couldn’t strike twice – and tries to pull Buck’s lifeless body toward him, because his automatic response is to want Buck to be closer, closer, even as his arms burn with the effort of trying to pull Buck closer.

He has to lower him down, in the end. Eddie didn’t want to - but he couldn’t bring Buck’s lifeless body closer to him, so he did the next best thing, and he lowered Buck into Bobby’s waiting arms.

Eddie is thirty-five, when he watches his partner hit by lightning, and he’s thirty-five when he drives the ambulance containing Buck’s lifeless body, Hen and Chimney’s yelling in the back as they desperately work to save his life static noise as Eddie tried to focus on the road and getting them to the hospital as fast as the ambulance allowed.

Eddie is thirty-five, when he feels Buck’s ribs crack under the force of his own hands, the crunch sounding sickeningly loud as he takes over from Chimney and tries to force life back to Buck’s body.

Seven minutes, seven minutes - Buck had been down for seven minutes, and he barely registers the meaning of the words when he hears Hen yell that Buck has a pulse because all Eddie can think of is that he broke his best friends ribs, and -

Lightning doesn’t strike twice –

Except it did.

Because Eddie is thirty-five, when he watches Buck’s lifeless body disappear behind glass doors and he realises in that moment that Evan Buckley is the love of his life.

And he’s dead.

“Do more.”

Do more, do more - as if Eddie doesn’t know that every doctor and nurse in LA General always did their best, did more, went above and beyond the call of duty to try and save lives: but they weren’t just saving any life, they were saving Buck’s, and Eddie knew how this story went because he lived it before, and it ends with him standing at a graveside wearing a stiff black suit and wondering if his love is the curse, wondering if everyone he loves is doomed to die.

Do more -

Because their best wasn’t enough, not when it came to Buck.

“Eddie,” Hen’s voice sounded fuzzy. “Eddie - can you focus on my voice?”

Eddie thinks he shakes his head. He’s not sure.

“Eddie, I need you to focus on my voice,” Hen continued. “Eddie, you’re having a panic attack.”

Oh. Oh - well, that made sense, actually. Eddie hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time: Frank, and Buck, probably, would assure him it's because he has been putting in the hard work and focusing on his mental health, and all that hard work made for less panic attacks. Eddie would probably say it’s because his life was finally happy - he hadn’t felt like he had all that much to panic about, lately, and so in the months since the last time he’d had a panic attack, he’d forgotten the way it burned his chest as the terror consumed his body.

“That’s it, that’s it Eddie - in, and out, nice and slow.” Hen had a soothing voice - it made sense that she was a paramedic, because she had a calming effect on people. She was born to help, Eddie figured - maybe he should tell her that.

The room slowly came back into focus, Hen’s concerned face close to Eddie’s own.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, face burning red with embarrassment as he realised what had happened - the way he had panicked, as if he was the only one of them who cared about Buck. Buck, who was like a son to Bobby. Buck, who was Chimney’s brother-in-law. Buck, who Hen loved like a brother. Eddie wasn’t the only one who staked a claim on Buck, and here he was, making it all about him.

“It’s okay,” Hen reassured, gentle, always gentle. She brushed Eddie’s soaking hair back off his forehead, her gesture motherly. “It’s okay to be scared, Eddie.”

“We all are,” Chimney reassured, solemn in his words. He didn’t know - how could he know? Eddie didn’t know, until a few minutes ago - consciously, at least. Maybe subconsciously he had known for longer, but not consciously, no: his treacherous brain had waited until the moment Eddie had felt Buck’s heart stop beating under his hands to let him in on the secret.

He loved him.

Eddie was in love with his best friend.

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