#theres no way his horns would grow naturally even in my new world

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

I Wonder....

Hologram- The Technicolors plays in the background.

What race did i think i was in all this time? It was like this perpetual reminder constantly nagging me in my head...

what your 18 better not be singe for long-

 better go to college and forget about boys

- better get a degree and make lots of money

...married at 22 no degree - 

better excel in your career and climb the corporate ladder. 

hours of work and devotion 

BUT wait, dont work too hard you gotta have kids before your 30

what about an apartment- 

how about a trailer- 

how about a HOUSE. 

.. First son at 27- 

turning 30 at the end of this year. where did the time go?

...together for 11 years, married for 7 years, a 2 year old , a house, a dog, two cars.

i did exactly what i wanted to do in life.   i suppose.

don’t get me wrong i probably would seem obnoxiously ungrateful if i didn’t just stop there and say THANKS.

beautiful son. gorgeous husband.

the list goes on-  everything ive set my mind to in the past decade i have made come true.

NOW WHAT

i had this alarm in my head that i had to do “all this before 30″ why?? health reasons? statistic reasons? rumors? stories, why?

i feel like im rounding the last bend to a marathon i didnt even ask to be in? (or did i??!)

i think throughout my hussle and bussle (although i DID have SOME fun) i got lost in it all. I quickly entered the world of being 18 shattered battered and...engaged? positive that the love i was about to receive would catapult me into everything id ever needed.  (i guess it sorta did.)   career driven. beautiful. man on my side. ring on my hand “livin life” literally just climbing any career ladder i could- i had my “husband” as my cheerleader at my side. HUSBAND guys would say- “you’re to young”. yeah i got that ALOT. going to 21st birthday parties as the only married girl there. WHO WAS I.  we took married and young by the horns. i was so driven. you get over whelmed by the freedom. naturally you fall into some sort of rhythm because nice things cost money, and time just passes as you work and watch your work pay off. you feel accomplished. i was sure i saw my career in site and one would assume this WAS IT. this was the magic they talked about- enjoying your 20s- having a career u love- being MARRIED and secure. perfect...................

we were... the first couple to have an apartment. (so; big parties- no rules *rolls eyes)  we had a”wedding” so we had all these lovely gifts and things to lavish ourselves with in our first apartment. THE DREAM right?  just working and living and having fun. we traveled alot,, camped- we had big dreams to always be “like this” forever. in a moment (5 years into the beautiful maddness actually) we were sure we needed to materialize this power we had. this “love” we had needed to be a thing, a thing we wanted to nurture and bless and carry with us on our adventures. we had so much love we were ready to see what we could grow. (and grow it did- we had JP) 

the first year was hard- a new dynamic...we werent 2 anymore we were 3. and all of our decisions had a larger precaution. we wanted different things. rooted things. more stability. more direction. the air was different.

i was different.

i had put my career aside in my mind to concentrate on.on being something that something ELSE would flourish and grow beautifully in (um literally?) KIDS. i will be the first to tell you, kids were not on my radar (i just never saw myself as a kid person, i never understood the look parents give their little humans time after time- it confused me- it scared me i guess. it was just foreign.) till... i put allllll other thoughts aside. most definetly my first act of unconditional unselfish love. “hey self, we are about to give up our entire self to producing another human being” everything you smell eat touch. EVERYTHING. its like...well its like nothing youve ever gone through before until youve gone through it. we are fuckin amazing..the body can do some fuckin shit. COMPLETELY change in order to make this THING ... HUMANS and yeah. real hearts and lungs and little legs (oh and the hiccups, the awesome hiccups)

PHysically and mentally you go through some shit and although that may have been obvious to some- most??? it was not for me.

Mount Everest- Labrinth.

its just alot. im already not the best mentally- so to add this new function. emotional bandwith overload papi.

first its like 2,000 percent mom over load. YOU ARE A MOM and this teeny tiny creature needs you. NEEDS you. a need you thought you knew BUT YOU DO NOT. its this overwhelming warming beautiful amazing thing, the need a kid has for their parents. (i was IN IT- DEEP in IT)   IN love wasnt even the world. i do not loveeeee my son. my son IS LOVE. i can not explain it. but you get mentally rewired. i am not the girl i was before, im just not. 

i no longer wanted the career i had before. i no longer even wanted the LIFE i had before. i wanted more of this drug my son was giving me. this surreal daydream of laughs and kisses and just moments. time literally passes differently now. i see things differently now,  i feel things differently now. things have so much different meaning. i swear its as if im stuck in some molly, acid, shroom trip.

i feel like someone lit a fire to my soul and everything i touch now is illuminated differently.  when a person is growing inside you you can feel their heartbeat. you can feel the brush of their leg as they roll over to get comfortable. life has different meaning. LOVE has different meaning. love darling is caring you for 9 months and waiting with baited breathe for a stranger youve created. its a smell youve never smelled before and instantly is your favorite. its like you were never comfortable before they fell asleep in your arms, youve never known true peace until their skin was comfortable by yours. ITS PURE MAGIC .  i was different.  

some of the things i loved before, i- was confused about now. 

Love was different for me now,

how i wanted to give love.

how i wanted to receive love.

like a perpetual darkness was lifted from my eyes.

Wash.-Bon Iver

Im sorry i didnt know it would change ME. (im sorry about how cliche that sounds..)

from the moment i was little. it was go to school. get good grades. to go college. find a nice boy. get married. move in together, start a family- live happily ever after

but they leave out the nitty griddies. (even my own parents were divorced. who was anyone kidding) the years following our marriage all we heard about was how divorce was at its all time high. we vowed (among other things) that , that wouldnt be us. we both came from homes and divorce and we didnt want that for us. 

i think it was then that divorce became this ugly word. scary word. bad word.  i mean it is though..right?...

verb

1.legally dissolve one's marriage with (someone)

2.separate or dissociate (something) from something else.

we got married because. well im sure for different reasons?

i got married because,( it was what i was suppose to do?). you find someone you love and are attracted to and if your lucky enough to have them feel the same way- you... marry them. and thats that.you cant have kids or live with someone who you arent married too (said the stigma of my parents and those around me)  i mean i know theres more to it then that but a brief outline? leaving out all the mooshy stuff. you make this feeling legal, you change some names and now your not only emotionally reliant on this person but basically reliant on them for every fuckin single thing else too (basically).

marriage is beautiful.  if your lucky enough to find your soul mate in this world. someone who just gets you and enjoys your company and wierdness then your blessed and you would probably want to spend the rest of your existence with this person.  i mean it makes sense. 

its just as i’ve developed into this next stage of myself, ive made each of my actions have more purpose (i do this because everthing i do my son now sees and its just different now) howww i do something- what i say. i just think about it all and that includes the things i was naturally doing before that i never thought of.

marriage.  do i love my sons father yes. hes attractive and im attratced to him. hes funny and knows just how to make me laugh. its the little things. how he makes JP laugh or when their doing snuggles in his bed. how my son says Dada when hes upset or how he looks just like him. before my love for my husband was an array of things from love to lust- obsession. all the best and worse of love. we were inseparable. engulfed in each other in EVERY way, i knew we were in love and so did everyone around us. 

and then my son was born.

JP....i dont think you have to marry someone to show them how much you love them. i think true devotion starts with intention and your soul mate will know by your actions where your true feelings are.always be true. always be kind. i think if you want to love someone- love them fully, respectfully and unconditionally. learn and grow with them and from them and continue to make each other better people. and in that time you find your spark ignites another i employ you to indulge in meeting new people and new interactions. Make your heart full if you feel it hurting.  not bonded by anything physical but truly understanding that you were meant to love. REALLY LOVE. and maybe thats with one person forever, or a series of different people through out your life time in so many different and amazing ways. boys, girls.. just loving people and sparking the light in them only YOU can ignite. and becoming your best self.  only to continue to become your best self with that same intention for others. 

and thats my truth.   i look into your eyes and just want the best for you.knowing that’s different for you as it is me. but realizing i want to live by the example i want you to live by.

.... im not her anymore.

the day you were born i became someone new. 

[kpopinionated]

See You Later

The train station was filled with people, some sitting, others leaning against the nearest stable structure. Laughter from children filled the air and my eyes naturally flickered to the scene. Twin girls chased one another around the waiting area as their mother watched fondly and with a meticulous eye. A soft smile found its way onto my rosy lips. I was standing in a white tank top dress that came down to my thigh, brown ankle boots, and a 3/4 quarter sleeve jean jacket to chase away any cool breeze that threatened to wake my goosebumps and send a violent shiver from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. 

I had a brown purse storing my essentials and a small carry on suitcase with me. My phone rested in my left palm along with my ticket. Although it was switched to silent, I could almost feel the faint buzz come from miles away, begging me to not move. But by then it’d be too late as I would already be gone from one location on my way to the next, leaving behind nothing but a lined paper holding all the words I couldn’t bear to say out loud. 

The horn of the train came all too quick and I cast one last glance at the entrance of the station and felt a pang in my gut. Whether it be from not seeing him or from seeing a family instead of him, I wouldn’t know. As those doors hissed open and I stepped on there was no going back. I glided down the aisles slowly before settling into a compartment. I sat in the bench, fingers with a feather touch tracing the designs, my eyes staring at the passengers who would soon reunite with lovers and family members, a luxury I would have to set aside.

The horn whistled loudly, a warning for those that we would be leaving soon. My eyes stared out the window and caught those of a child. Hers were full of light and dreams as she waved to me. I returned her wave with one of my own, my own eyes filled with light and dreams, just not as bright as I understood the sacrifices that came along with dreams. My eyes continued to stray from person to person, an elderly woman and her son, two lovers reuniting, and yet none were familiar to me. 

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the final whistle and i felt the doors slide shut with a satisfying groan and the locks clicking into place. I leaned my head back against the corner of the wall and window with my hand resting on the pane as I drank in the sight of Seoul’s train station to keep in my mind and treasure. The wheels slowly churned forward as the announcements came to an end and it was then I noticed it. The pounding feet rounded the corner and the brown puppy irises darted around the station, hands disappearing into soft brown locks. His handsome features were twisted into a mixture of worry, sadness, and fear until the puppy irises miraculously caught mine. 

It was like time froze - it was just us, staring at one another. I could see the relief in his features for a second, just a second until they resumed previous emotions and he began to push his way through the crowd. The wheels churned faster and faster, picking up speed, but Jin didn’t care. He too picked up speed and ran after the train, keeping pace with my compartment and I placed my hand onto the window and he managed to do the same, his large palm matching up with my much smaller one before the train became engulfed in the darkness of the tunnel and our moment was over. I let my hand slip for the window into my lap as silence engulfed the train. Light came bursting through and it gave me the view of the city I once dreamed of coming to. That dream came true and I adored it, every moment of it was treasured into my heart. Each person I met, polite or bitter was engraved into my mind as a memory, but the most special person I hold close to my heart. Jin. 

The spring wind gently combed the trees, waving at me not a goodbye, but a see-you-later, as if it knew one day I’d return, but for now I’d let someone else’s dream take me through the clouds and over the ocean to my present dream.

~~~

Jin pov

My hand dropped to my side as she disappeared along with the rest of the passengers into the tunnel. My eyes stared at the space she once occupied along with the 5,400 ton train that carried her further away. I was in my own world, wondering what had just happened. Was she really gone? Did she really board that train without a word to me? Thoughts raced through my mind as i hung my head defeated, sinking down onto a nearby bench. I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder and my eyes met those of a child who’s eyes held light inside them. I smiled gently at her and she returned it before holding up an envelope to me. I silently stared at it and at her, eyes flickering back and forth. Her head tilted toward the envelope and I gently took it from her small hand and she scampered off toward a woman who smiled at her daughter and disappeared around the very corner form which I came.

I turned back to the envelope and noticed my name in familiar elegant cursive. I slowly tore the paper open and found a note inside, waiting to be read. I gently uncreased the lined paper and noticed blotches of smeared pen in various spots. I swallowed and began to interpret the words, as if she was the one reading them to me.

-Dear Jin 

By the time you get this I’ll be halfway across Seoul. I hope you got this letter and I hope that you read it. Why? Because this holds all the words and answers I was too afraid to mutter out loud. 

We all have dreams oppa, you know that. Afterall you are living your own dream and I’m so, so proud. Now you are probably wondering why I’m mentioning this. Be patient - I’ll get there. As I said we all have dreams and I adore yours. I adore it so much that I stayed by your side, through every night of practice where you sang your heart out until your throat was raw or when you danced so hard until your feet ached, but i was there supporting it all. Through thick and thin I encouraged you and kept a smile on. But beneath that smile was a dream pushed aside, pinned to the to do later board. Now that dream is tired of being pushed aside and it needs to be free, it needs to sore. So I finally let it be free. I applied to that university program and was accepted. My dream required me to leave and maybe our dreams are meant to sore and take us to new places. This isn’t a goodbye Jin, I’ll always be cheering you on from wherever I am and loving you even more each day. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. I read this quote once and It’s true. The quote reads “I believe in the immeasurable power of love; that true love can endure any circumstance and reach across any distance.” -Steve Maraboli.  Yes I will miss you like crazy and I won’t be by your side for support, but I’ll be in your heart. Your dream was given the opportunity to reach the sky and instead it soared through the clouds. Don’t you think It was time my dream got that same opportunity? Theres another quote I love and it reads “Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I’m living and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you’ll see how strong I really am.” And Jin this quote is you. I saw all your heart work and you made it. All those exhausting, sleepless nights were worth it, you soared. I’ll cry tears you will never see, but I’ll finally leave my comfort zone take that invitation to discover what I’m really capable of. I leave you with this last quote, “Experience life in all possible ways good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter, experience all the dualities, don’t be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have the more mature you become.” -Osho. Don’t think of this as goodbye, but as a see-you-later. I’ll be back oppa and just remember that the sun rise you see is the same one I’ll see, just in another part of the world.

                                                                                                             -Jagi.

~~~

1 year later 

The waves crashing against the soft white sand were my hello. The gentle breeze running through my hair was my welcome back. And the other person in the distance was the familiarity of Seoul. I dug my toes into the soft powder as my cardigan glided behind me in the Spring wind. I faced the ocean and inhaled deeply, bottling up all the sorrow, blood, sweat, tears, fear, anger, anxiety, nerves, and worry before exhaling and releasing all of those with one thought - I made it. My dream not only glided, it soared. Sure it had some dips when the breeze carrying it dissipated, but it always glided back up, higher than before until it could soar on its own, like a bird leaving its nest.

I opened my eyes with a smile on my rosy lips and turned to see the one person that had been on my mind the whole time. The one person that had given my dream that chance to sore with his support and love as he too traveled the world with me on his mind. The one person who arrived just minutes too late to the train station. The person who believed in me and loves me. That one person is soaring above the clouds with his dream. That person is Jin.

~Allie/A