#think im more in a reflux mood rn anyway

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

#3

I just took 250. I was gonna keep it to 200 but tomorrow I won't be able to have much cause it's my sister's graduation and Im just gonna hope this keeps me from being irritable tomorrow. I don't want to have to be high on that day but I skipped a day and I can see that it made me moody so I figured this kills it before it gets bad bad. I'm still thinking on me and R's talk annd I feel like it has opened my eyes a bit. Tho I feel like my moodiness from not having dph for a while probably is making it bigger than it actually is so I'm hoping this high also helps me see what I actually feel

AFTERMATH

It's pretty much completely wore off now and I can say that I definitely need to calm it down.. my heart hurt worse and it was a lot more noticeable. It went from a soreness to a pressure. My chest feels burny. My stomach kinda but not as much. I think all these pills have been making my acid reflux worse so more gas. Omfg. Side note. I swear this has been the worst part of it. I have developed a taste for benadryl. Ita so weird. Shit tastes like paper with latex gloves mixed in but i can taste it randomly. Especially when i burp for some reason.. Anyway the not feeling my heartbeat thing is still going. Like even if I focus on it I can just barely feel it. Plus i feel like ive been more jittery lately. All signs are pointing to a break. I'm gonna make more of an effort to taper off. I would just stop but I have a lot of shit coming up and I can't risk anyone noticing I look out of it.

NOTES/EMOTIONAL GARBAGE

I'm kinda in a weird mood today. The depersonalization I mentioned yesterday is pretty much gone now. I'm glad it happened ig uh. It did help a lot. But now that I've calmed down from that it makes me look at how I've been speaking to my bsf for the past few months and see that I'm the issue rn. Not saying it like that but for a time we both were on the same page with that shit. I wanted to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to me. I would come to her first with anything that's happening and so would she.

Now she has someone else for that which makes me feel discarded. Im no longer the one for all that stuff so when she goes through shit she'll rather just barely touch on it and act cheery instead of talking it out with me like she used to. She does that with her gf now and she prefers her. Which I've seen for the past while now tbh. It just hurts still.

I still look to her for that but it's harder to when she's more focused on someone else. We don't talk as much and for as long. We don't delve into the same detail as we use to. It is just different. And I tried to adapt while still keeping our closeness but at the end of the day I was still being hurt by it. It sucks to tell she's hiding something and watching her dance around it as if I don't notice. And it sucks when I'm real excited to talk to her after a long day and see that she's preoccupied. It's like she never has time for that shit anymore. We don't "hangout" anymore (as much as you can online anyway lol) We don't talk about visiting one another and I'm sure it's in the back of her mind atp. Meanwhile I've been saving for it for a bit now. It's all kind of weird.

But now that she spelled out that she promised to treat her girlfriend as she treated me in the past, I've seen that I've been more invested in this than she has been in a long time. While she can just withdraw that and put it elsewhere and be happy with it, I aint. I've been used to our friendship being equal and deeper than this so it stings to feel like I'm going 30 steps backwards out of nowhere. It just all came so suddenly. We were talking right before she told me hey we can't do that shit anymore cause my girlfriend is upset about it and that was that for her. And i just had to accept it. There was nothing else I could do or say to go back to that stuff. It's just how it is

With our past ways feeling like it's locked behind a brick wall, I feel like I need to change myself as well. I've always given her specialish treatment. She can tell when I lie so I don't. Well. Emotional shit at times I still will. I don't be feeling like explaining at times lmfao. Uh anywho. I responded anytime I wasn't busy with something important even if that meant stopping in a store to text back, pausing a game, reading texts in class and responding once I'm not busy with whatever we were doing for the day. That sort of junk. And I'd do near whatever she needed/wanted me to. But I see that that's the issue.

I've been giving her special treatment because she used to do the same so it was no big deal. I loved being able to do that shit cause I knew it was appreciated and I know she was doing and feeling the same. But now im doing it and it's only hurting me now because I'm not getting that same care back anymore.

I think it's time I emotionally checked out this friendship. I still trust her more than anyone else in the world but I can't keep depending on her like I used to you know? I was putting our shit first all the time as it used to be a two way street and it's just one sided now. It makes no sense to keep hurting myself just to do it. She doesn't care/doesn't notice anymore. So I think that it'd be best for me to treat her as any of my other friends now

Not to say that any of them get any like... horrible treatment or anything. I'm just usually not very talkative to people I'm not very close with. I usually wait to be spoken to to speak and it's all fun and games for the most part. Ofc I'll get serious here and there when I'm really going through it or the situation calls for it but 99% of the time I'd rather just bubbly me my way through it and keep it moving. I have fun sure but I still used prefer my own uncomplicated company. But as of late I've been longing for her company as she used to be the only one that saw me fully. It was really nice to have someone that i didnt need to hide from for once. She was genuinely interested in whatever th i had going on no matter how small. It made me feel really loved. But I need to face the facts. She still loves me and all but she doesn't doesn't long for my company anymore and I need to learn to not do so either

I feel like I'll come off as cold. I feel bad for it. But I can't keep giving the stuff I give to close friends to non close friends. It hurts and it's tiring to do with none of it being given back.

It's an ongoing problem. I do this in nearly all my friendships. Not to this extent but I usually put more importance in friendships than I get back. I've had an ex friend of mine's boyfriend (well now ex) threaten to shoot me and my house and they went on a date later that day. I've tried new hobbies and games to better understand what they're talking about/to have more things we can do together only to be blatantly denied nearly everytime I want the same. I've lost "friendships" with plenty of people I thought I was cool with only to realize they only cared to talk to me when I was being their personal therapist. Then they'd go off to do thr fun shit with their other ppls. It's just. Old.

It's on me atp. I'm not falling into this cycle again. The shit with R has been the hardest example but it's been like this for a while now. I just need to be better about not always doing the uh.. ig attentive (?) things. I'm always happy to kick it with friends but I'm not gonna express that as much until I know for certain it's mutual. I'd rather just lose some people and keep the people that stick around at a causal distance. It'd be easier than feeling this way again. I'd honestly go ghost if I didn't worry so much about hurting them. So i think not putting my all is a good enough compromise for now

Sorry for the long ass rant. I've been high for the past like... 30ish mins now and it's all just seemingly clear. Or easier to explain? I dunno. But I think you get the jist. I'm gonna work on it. I hope I stick to it as well

The stuff I talked about in my earlier notes is still feeling the same so. I guess I really meant it. I dunno. It feels like I shut something off or something. I'm used to not talking much irl and up until her I'd text a friend a few times a week. So it just feels like I've been back to that. I just was thinking on it and it just was like.. am I really comfortable with putting my all into it knowing that I'm the second choice? For about the billionth time?? Fuck that. I'm tired of feeling that way. I still do think about her a lot but I'm trying to keep myself from delving into that stuff. If she wanted to she would and she's shown me that. So, she doesn't want to. And I'm not going to force her to be anymore to me than she wants to. I'll be just fine on my own