#thinking of a name for him would've made me sicker i think

[evilbitchartist]

fuck your entire life (turns piers into a warrior cat)

[zerstorerin]

Cold Crash (Pt. 1)

Summary: Din cares for a hypothermic reader after crashing on the ice planet.

Warnings: Mentions of spiders, hypothermia, and Din being a slightly spicy flirt.

Word Count: 3.5K

Comments: I hope you're craving caretaker Din as much as I do. It seems all my fics have an injured character trope... Awkwarddd. Do we want a part two??

About a year ago...

"What's your worst fear?" you asked Mando. You'd been in hyperspace for hours now, and though the beskar-clad warrior had mentioned the trip to the Core planets would take upwards of a few days, you hadn't expected to be so... bored.

"I'm not afraid of anything," he replied. He was clearly unamused at your feeble attempt to pass the time.

"Bantha shit!" you cursed, tucking your legs up in your chair. "Everybody's afraid of something. I'm afraid of spiders."

Mando scoffed. "Spiders?"

You reached over and cuffed him across the helmet as you tried to stifle your own giggles. "Hey! It's not funny. It's a completely valid fear."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah." Your laughter died out as old trauma surfaced in your mind."I, uh... I got bit by a spider as a kid. Turns out, it was poisonous, and I would've died if my dad hadn't rushed me to the medbay like he did." Mando's figure stilled in the pilot's chair. "I had recurring nightmares for weeks. My- my dad would wake up and rush into my room, helping me check my arms and legs. And then he'd stay with me all night, watching for spiders. He'd be right there the next morning with bags under his eyes."

Mando didn't talk for awhile. Only the beeping and soft hum of the Crest lingered between you two.

He finally spoke up when you'd almost dozed off in your chair. "Droids."

"Hm?"

"I'm afraid of droids." He looked over his shoulder, as if waiting for a response.

But you would never judge him for that, nor did you want to pressure him to tell you why— if there even is a why. Who ever said fears had to be justified? So you waited.

The Mandalorian correctly read your silence as a message of acceptance. He stood up from the pilot's seat and made his way over to you.

And then he knelt and bowed his head, causing you to freeze. "I'm not ready to share my story yet, if that's okay."

You immediately relaxed. "Of course, that's okay—"

"And I'm sorry for laughing." Mando's helmet raised, and you could've sworn he was looking you in the eyes. "I had no right to make a joke of your fear after you were brave and kind enough to share it with me. Ni ceta."

He already had your forgiveness, even if he didn't think himself deserving. And you knew he always would, because even then, you were head over heels in love with the beskar-clad warrior.

Present.

When he woke, Din's first thoughts were of you and the Child. You two were always his priority and would be until his last breath.

His second thought was about how cold it was in the ship. A thick layer of frost coated his beskar, essentially gluing him to the dashboard, and his joints felt stiff.

He looked over his shoulder to the passenger's seat to check on you, but he saw the frog lady unconscious on the floor instead. It took him a moment to remember why, still disoriented from the crash.

You had been cooking for the kid when the New Republic officers had shown up, which meant you were down in the hull when the ship had crashed.

You and the kid were in the hull, where the ship had likely taken the most damage.

Peeling himself from the dashboard, ice and metal snapping apart, he called out your name.

No response.

The frog lady groaned as she woke up, her purple skin a sicker shade of lilac from the freezing temperatures. Din lifted her to her feet, helping her to settle against the wall.

She croaked at him, and he knew that she was worried about her family— just as he was worried about his.

"I'll find your eggs. Don't worry," he assured her. "Gotta get you some blankets,

keep you warm."

Fear flared in his chest. The cockpit had stayed sealed, but it was still cold as ice. If the hull had been penetrated, you would be hypothermic— no. He forced the suffocating feeling from his mind with reasonable thoughts. The little kitchenette Din had recently installed on board wasn't far from

the sleeping compartment, so it was possible you had been able to lock the kid and yourself in. You'll have some bruises from getting banged around, but you'll be okay.

He climbed down the ladder, taking in the sight of snow blowing into the hold through a gaping hole. He cursed under his breath, then yelled for you again. "Riduur!"

Din turned around to the tiny bedroom and tapped the control panel. The door slid open to reveal no sign of either of you.

"Where are you?" he asked, and with each moment that you and the child went unfound, his heart rate increased.

The frog lady said something to him he didn't understand directly but guessed it had something to do with her family.

"Hang on, I'm looking for your eggs!"

His heart sank, knowing his answer was a half truth. He was certainly keeping an eye out for her eggs, but his first priority was to his aliit.

Avoiding sparking wires and fallen boxes, he crossed the hold to a blanket that was moving suspiciously and making swallowing noises. Pulling the blanket back confirmed that his son was indeed snacking on more eggs, but he was safe.

"No! Your mother told you not to do that," Din scolded as a bit of the worry eased from his body. He shouted, "Found them!" up to the frog lady and closed the incubator.

The kid pushed the last egg into his mouth.

"How many did you eat?"

The green little monster only guiltily burped in response.

The frog lady came down the ladder to the cockpit, and Din allowed her to take the incubator into her arms. She croaked, raising one hand and drawing a line back and forth around your height.

"No, I haven't found her yet." He gestured to the kid, who was now playing on the fallen boxes, completely unaware of the dangers they all were in. "Can you keep an eye on him?"

She said something in frog language he understood to be an agreement.

On the outside, Din had managed to appear calm, but on the inside... he was terrified. This hull wasn't that big. He'd already have found you if you were still in the ship. So all that was left was the absolutely horrifying conclusion that you had been thrown from the ship at some point during crash. You were out in that snow somewhere, and his earlier fear was slowly becoming reality.

Din ducked as he stepped out of the hole in the hull, and all at once realized just how deadly the brazen winter really was. He focused on his breathing to keep his body from going into shock, and started to search through the wreckage and other things thrown from the ship. There were several storage boxes, some of his tools, and his old cape—

It was your cape now, though. After he had gifted it to you, you never took it off.

He knelt began to dig, desperately trying to uncover the rest of your form. "I found you, cyar'ika. I'm here." He dug out your shoulder first, then carefully traced it to where your head would be. He kept swiping away layer after layer of snow, now more gently as he neared your face. Your eyelashes appeared first, then your nose and mouth, and then he was pushing his hands under your head to pull you out of the snow and to his chest. "I got you, riduur." But you didn't stir, not even as he lifted you into his arms and carried you back to the ship. He was most worried about the fact that you weren't shivering like you should be.

"Blankets! I need blankets!" Din ordered, every muscle in his body now trembling with the fear of losing his wife.

The kid noticed his momma in his father's arms and his ears drooped to his sides, but he nonetheless scurried as fast as he could to the sleeping compartment to find you a blanket. He put his tiny green fingers on one and pulled, crying out when he realized he wasn't strong enough.

Din laid you down on the floor of the Crest, looking over to see the frog lady helping your son with the blanket. Turning his attention back to you, he ripped his gloves off his hands and brushed the remaining snowflakes from your face. "Riduur, wake up."

Your skin was as cold and pale as the frozen wasteland outside of the Razor Crest, but it could've been worse. Luckily, the snow that covered you had actually acted as an insulator, keeping your body heat trapped around you. The warmth of his bare hands massaging your cheeks roused you from your unconsciousness. Your eyes fluttered as you tried to open them, and your blue lips parted to heave in a full breath. "The kid... is he—"

"He's fine. He's—"

Right on cue, your son laid his head on your chest, cooing in worry. "He's right here." The frog lady passed Din the blanket, which he laid over you and the kid.

Your eyes opened in the kid's direction, taking note of his presence, then closed again. "Din... cold... I'm cold." Consciously or unconsciously, you nuzzled your cheek into his palm.

"I know, riduur. I'm going to take care of you, okay?"

Your lack of response told him your body was again dragging you into sleep. He needed to keep you awake not only because you were hypothermic but as a precaution in case you incurred any head injuries.

"No, no. You can't go back to sleep. I know you're tired and cold," he said gently as he nudged you into a seating position. "But you have to look at me. Open your eyes."

For the first time since he found you in the snow, you looked directly at him, staring into his visor right where you knew his eyes would be. "Hi," you breathed out.

"Hi," he chuckled, brushing a piece of wet hair out of your eyes. He pressed his fingers to your neck to check your pulse. It was slower than he would've liked, but not yet too slow. "I need you to stay awake, mesh'la."

You smiled faintly and put your arms around his neck, pulling yourself up to nuzzle your face in his neck. "Can we go to bed?"

Amnesia and confusion— common side effects of hypothermia.

Din wanted to cry, wanted to take off his helmet and cry so you could wipe away his tears and tell him it was okay. You were so cold and confused and cloudy-eyed, and it physically hurt him inside. "No, we can't go to bed."

"Why not? What's... what's wrong?" You pulled away, eyebrows scrunched and a frown where your beautiful smile was but a moment ago.

"We crashed on an ice planet escaping the New Republic soldiers. You..." Din swallowed, trying to hold back his tears. "I found you in the snow. You're hypothermic, so I need you to stay awake. Can you do that for me?"

Under his helmet, a few tears streaked down Din's face as he watched the realization set in on your face. Unable to watch any longer, he turned his gaze to the kid who was still cuddling his mom with droopy ears. "You can help your buir stay awake, right ad'ika?"

Your little green bean gurgled, an unhappy but confident sound, and climbed onto your lap.

"I'll be back in a few minutes, okay? I'm going check out the Crest and patch up that hole to keep the snow out. Stay awake, mesh'la." Din tilted your chin up with his hand, tapping his thumb twice on your lips— his way of telling you he wanted to kiss you when he couldn't remove his helmet.

"Love you," you told him.

"Love you." He repeated his tap once more.

—

You offered the kid a piece of the dinner Din was forcing you to eat even though you weren't hungry. He said it was to keep your metabolism burning calories which in turn would keep your core temperature higher, so you had agreed to try and eat even if every part of your body felt frozen.

The kid took it graciously, popping it into his mouth before reaching onto the plate and shoving a piece toward your mouth instead. You chuckled and opened your mouth to let him push it in. "Did your buir put you up to this?" you said as you chewed, earning a giggle from him.

That warmed you up a bit, and you could only continue to let him hand feed you with how happy he was to help.

The blanket covering the hole in the Crest rustled. Din entered, and his first glance was to you. "How much has she eaten?"

"I'm right here," you scoffed, feigning offense.

The kid ignored you and chirped some nonsense, but after shoving one more piece of food into your mouth, picked up the plate to show Din that it was empty.

"Good job, ad'ika," Din praised, patting his son on the head. "If you hadn't guessed, we're in a tight spot. The main power drive is not responding and the hull has lost its integrity. I suspect the temperature will drop significantly when night falls. I'll have a better idea of our prospects at that time."

He began to remove his armor, piece by piece, setting it in a near pile near one of the portable heaters. You scooted forward to help remove his leg armor, starting with his shinguards and working up to his cuisses.

"Are you that excited to get me naked, mesh'la?" Din said lowly.

Your face felt hot as you slapped him on the thigh and widened your eyes at him, even if you couldn't stop the smile on your face. "Riduur!" you scolded, jerking your chin to the frog mom and the kid. "You better keep those thoughts to yourself or you can sleep at the other end of the ship."

"Won't be a problem, mesh'la. I had plenty of

practice before we married."

Your eyes narrowed as you internally wondered just how long he'd been keeping those thoughts to himself.

Din left only his helmet on and seated himself beside you. He then patted his thigh, silently letting you know that there was an opening available.

Not only were you hypothermic and in need of more warmth, but you were never one to pass up an opportunity to cuddle with your husband, so you were quick to settle yourself in his lap facing him, one leg on either side of his hips.

You had just laid your head on his chest when the frog mom started to croak urgently.

"I'm sorry lady, I don't understand Frog," Din responded as he covered the pair of you in a blanket. "Whatever it is, it can wait until morning. I recommend you get some sleep."

You watched the stranded mother place her own blanket over her eggs. If you were gonna have to stay awake all night like Din told you—

"You can sleep now," he murmured as if he could sense your thoughts. "I'll have to wake you up if the heaters turn off, but you should get some rest while you can."

"Only if you promise to sleep, too." When he doesn't immediately respond, you lift your head off his chest and stare right into his helmet. "Din, you need to sleep, too."

"I'm not tired—" he started to protest, but you knew better. You'd been taking care of him for over a year now. Just because you were hypothermic doesn't mean you forgot Din neglected both meals and sleep before you came along.

"Do not start with me, riduur," you scolded, glaring up at him through your lashes. The look was a warning, and it was clear that Din understood by the way his helmet fell back against the wall. "The last time you rested for more than five minutes was before we arrived on Tatooine. You cannot take care of everyone else if you don't take care of yourself."

"Okay, okay." He nudged your head back to his chest, brushing his fingers through your hair once, then again. "I'll sleep."

"Thank you," you murmured.

His gloved fingers trailed to your neck this time, where he tapped his thumb twice and then made small strokes back and forth. Din whispered, "Thank you, mesh'la," placing such sweet emphasis on 'you' that your heart ached for him. He had said it like... like he didn't deserve it. "I... didn't realize you paid such close attention."

"Of course I do," you said. "You do such a great job of taking care of me and the kid, so it's my job to make sure you're needs are met, too. You're my riduur. I swore a vow to you." You tightened your arms around him. "And I plan on keeping it."

He squeezed you back. "Speaking of needs—"

You pinched his arm, causing him to flinch. "What did I say about keeping your thoughts to yourself?"

"I was only going to say to let me know if you needed another blanket," he groaned.

"I'll believe that when banthas fly."

—

"Wake up, Mandalorian."

Din pulled his gun out of his holster and rolled you underneath him before he was even consciously aware of what was going on. You clutched tightly to Din's arm as you woke, eyes wide.

"This cannot wait until morning."

You blinked away the sleep fog. The robotic voice was coming from Zero, the droid who had assisted in the attempt of Din's capture on the New Republic prison ship— and almost killed the kid.

"Din—"

"Do not be alarmed," the droid said. "I bypassed the droid's security protocols and accessed its vocabulator."

You sat up to peek around Din's shoulder, and you realized it was the frog lady speaking. She held a microphone wired to the droid.

"What the hell are you doing?" Din holstered his blaster, but he kept his arm firmly placed over your torso. "That droid is a killer."

"These eggs are the last brood of my life cycle," the droid translated. "My husband has risked his life to carve out an existence for us on the only planet that is hospitable to our species. We fought too hard and suffered too much to resign ourselves to the extinction of our family tree. I must demand that you hold true to the deal that you agreed to."

"Look, lady. The deal is off," Din said. "We're lucky if we get off this frozen tomb with our lives."

The Frog Lady croaked into the microphone again. "I thought honoring one's word was a part of the Mandalorian code. I guess those are just stories for children."

Din bolted to his feet, so rigid that his shoulders didn't even move with the labored breaths coming through the modulator. You could only guess how frustrated he was feeling right now— the past week had worn him down to exhaustion. First, it was the business with the beskar hunters, then the krayt dragon, and now this.

You slipped your fingers into Din's clenched fist, giving a soft squeeze.

"This was not part of the deal," he said.

You tugged gently on his hand and stood up. "C'mere."

Din followed you across the hull, his movements softer and less rigid the moment you were in his sight. "Riduur..."

You hushed him. "Just breathe with me."

After taking one deep breath in, you were surprised when Din curled one arm around your shoulders and cradled your head with the other. His grip tightened like you were the only thing keeping his feet on the ground, as if without you, he might drift up into space. He took the next breath with you and then a few more after that.

"Riduur," you murmured, keeping your voice low and soothing. "You're right. None of this was part of the deal, so you don't owe her anything by creed or by code. And I hate to ask you to do more for us than you already have, but what if it was our kid?"

Din cupped your cheek, lifting your chin up to look into his visor.

"What would you do if it was his life on the line?" you said quieter, glancing over his shoulder at your precious green bean. "She's just a parent, riduur. Like we both are. Don't we owe it to her to try and save her eggs?"

Din rested his helmet against your forehead. "You're right, mesh'la," he said. "I love and hate that you're always right."

"Yeah, well," you giggled. "One of us has to be the brains, right?"

Translations (Mando'a - English)

ni ceta - I'm sorry

riduur - spouse

aliit - family

cyar'ika - darling

mesh'la - beautiful

masterlist

[stateofgrace1303]

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)