#this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now

[dreamlogic]

musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"

[runhappydad-blog]

Sitting on my hospital bed, my shattered and, now dead, right hip has been replaced with a brand new titanium hip and I remember my surgeon making the joke ‘well… let’s just say you won’t be running any marathons’. At the time, I had absolutely no interest in running anyway! Why would anyone go running for fun? No thanks, that’s not for me… So I laughed it off because at least I would eventually be able to walk again and I was still alive after my accident. Little did I know back then that this joke from my surgeon would be something that would stick in my mind for the next twelve years and be the catalyst for my recovery from depression.

Skipping forward to December 2017, I was at rock bottom, full of anti-depressants, attending therapy sessions and feeling very sorry for myself. I needed to do something I had never done before, something I never thought I would be able to do in my life. I thought back and the joke made by my surgeon popped into my head again. I won’t be running any marathons… I won’t be able to do any running at all. But why not? Why should I let my hip replacement dictate the rest of my life? This was definitely a challenge I could focus on and I have always been told that exercise is a great way of coping with depression. I have already discussed the bucket list so I won’t go through it all again. All I can say is that I wanted to run, to be a runner and to have some medals to show myself that nothing needs to stand in my way.

Runthrough Tatton 10k, my 1st ever race

Originally, my aim was to be able to run 10km without stopping in time for the English Half Marathon and 10km weekend in September. By early March I had was able to run 5km without stopping, then by the end of March I was able to run 10km without stopping. I was sure I didn’t need to wait until September to complete my first race! I was motivated, dedicated and itching to get out and earn my first ever medal for running! One of my friends I had met through Twitter suggested looking into the monthly 10km races at Tatton Park, Cheshire, which were organised by RunThrough. I had a quick look on the website and without even thinking too much about it I signed up to the next race on Sunday 6th May 2018. Receiving the email which stated that my application and payment was processed felt brilliant. I was finally taking control of my life and doing what I wanted to do.

Before the start, with my brother, Dave

  The night before the race I barely slept, I had trained hard for four months and I was confident that I would at least be able to complete a 10km race without stopping, but this was my first ever official race and the nerves had kicked in. The following morning was going to be a morning of many firsts. My first ever official running race, my first running related medal, the first time I was going to meet up with people I had been chatting to for months through Twitter and this was the first time that I would be competing with my incredibly supportive brother, Dave. My brother had been running for a good few years already but as he had completed this race a few years ago he offered to run alongside me and make sure I crossed that finish line.

Race day!

So it was a Sunday and I was waking up to my alarm at 06:00. Many things running through my mind that morning, ‘why on Earth am I choosing to wake up at this time on a Sunday to go and run over 6 miles!’ was definitely one of those thoughts! I knew I had to eat something but I was sick with nerves so ended up drinking coffee by the bucket load and skipped breakfast. Nerves were building as I had put a lot of pressure on myself to complete this race. I was raising money for MIND Charity at the time and a lot of people had sponsored me, but I was determined. Nothing was going to stop me getting over that finish line! As it was my first race, everyone I knew advised me just to enjoy the experience but I wanted a good time too! A time which reflected the amount of miles I had run and the amount of time I had spent pounding those roads and pavements between three and five times a week.

For a few weeks previous to the race, the entire UK had been in the midst of a record breaking heatwave and this morning was definitely no exception. By the time my brother and I had reached Tatton Park at 08:00 the temperature had already soared to over 20°C. With no cover from the shade at all, I knew this was going to be a very warm and difficult first race.

As I had never been in this kind of situation before, I had no idea what I was doing. I had turned up looking the part in my MIND Charity t-shirt, compression socks, trainers and my Racecheck Visor but that was it. Where do we get our race bibs from? Where is the start line? Should I have brought any documents with me? I really should have read all of the emails that the race organisers, Runthrough had sent to me leading up to race day. But my brother was there to help, he knew exactly what to do and lead me off to the very well signposted ‘Race HQ’ where I collected my number and struggled to pin it to my t-shirt.

The start of the race was eding closer, nerves were building and I had met up with my new friends, Will, Kerry, Stuart, and Anthony. Time to get some last minute warming up done.

09:00 came around very quickly and we were all taking our positions in our starting pens. I opted to start towards the back of the crowd of runners as I was aiming to finish in as close to an hour as possible. This was it, nerves had now turned into excitement. I had my brother next to me and I felt like I had prepared well for this, there was just the small matter of actually running 10km standing between me and proving to myself that this was possible. Either that or I could end up letting myself down and failing massively!

And they’re off! Runners were starting to make their way down the funnel and through the huge inflatable start line. I was doing it, I was running! The first 5km went by brilliantly, my brother was trying his best to pace me to a one hour finish time and each time I looked down at my watch I could see that it was definitely possible! The sun was still beating down on me relentlessly but I was still going at a respectable 5 minutes 45 seconds per kilometre, well of track for a sub one hour!

The route itself was lovely, set in the very picturesque grounds of the Tatton Park Estate, the ground was nice and smooth tarmac with a very small section of the route being a bit more of a dirt track. I was determined and my brother who was running just slightly in front of me was supporting me all the way! Making sure I was aware that we were going a bit faster than what we had planned and that I was happy to continue at that pace. I was very happy to, my legs were moving nicely, muscles all warmed up and mentally I could see that finish line.

What I hadn’t been prepared for was the long, gradual incline from 7km onwards. Looking at the path ahead of me, I could barely even see that my route was no longer nice and flat, but I could feel it. I was starting to feel exhausted from the heat, running uphill and the panic was setting in. Had I got a bit too excited and set off too quickly?

No! I refused to stop! I was going to get to that finish line no matter what! I threw nearly a whole bottle of water over my head and kept those legs going until I finally saw the 9km marker! There was only one kilometre left! Just after the 9km marker I saw someone who had obviously suffered from the heat and he was being attended to by paramedics by the side of the track, it really was a very warm day. I turned another corner and recognised an old school friend walking his dog, it was none other that Mr Asics himself, Gareth Pashley! Although he didn’t recognise me and there was no way I was stopping to chat with about 500 metres left to go!

I could see it, I could see the finish line! The excitement built up and I felt like I was ready to explode. There was still some energy left in these old legs of mine and I started to increase my speed. To the left of me I could hear my friend Kerry screaming for me to keep going. I couldn’t see her but I could definitely hear her! Then I noticed that my increase in speed was now a full blown sprint, dodging runners, the finish line getting closer and closer!

I can’t really explain what I felt when I crossed that finish line and stopped my watch. Exactly 1 hour and 34 seconds. I had just run 10km, 6.1 miles in 1 hour and 34 seconds, in the brutal heat and it was amazing. My heart was pounding, my legs were shaking and I was very, very close to being sick. I collected my medal and met up with my brother and my friends.

I had done it, I had proven to myself that my hip replacement and my depression will not rule my life. I felt amazing, I didn’t want to stop feeling this good! But I didn’t have to, I had plenty of races booked over the rest of 2018 including a half marathon. I was more determined that ever to keep training hard and chasing that finish line feeling. My running addiction had begun.

The running addiction begins… Sitting on my hospital bed, my shattered and, now dead, right hip has been replaced with a brand new titanium hip and I remember my surgeon making the joke 'well...