#this is amazing and kinda overwhelming and idk Im gonna try and sleep without it but Im also able to?? breath with my whole chest AND?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

apocalypticacolyte · 6 years

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hot mess recap

CAA RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HOT MESS.

Memo is now Secret by CAA

Memo is now Invite-Only by CAA

CAA: hello!!!

CURRENT radicalGameboy [CRG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CRG: Hello!

CRG: How's it going?

CURRENT testifiedQuantum [CTQ] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CTQ: hello, and good.

CTQ: how about you?

CAA: !!!!!!!!!!!

CAA: our favorite furry arrives

CTQ: indeed i do!!

CRG: What?

CAA: kacys a furry!!!!

CRG: OK then.

CRG: Sorry if it takes me a while to respond I'm currently being pestered.

CTQ: who is pestering you?

CAA: owo

CRG: Umm, their name is webWeaver? I think they're involved with the people pestering y'all.

CAA: ask them their name!!!

CAA: like

CAA: their real name

CRG: Sorry I got a bit distracted, their name is Argaia apparently.

CAA: hm.

CAA: i havent heard many good things about them

CTQ: ?

CTQ: what're they saying?

CRG: They're talking about the game? Supposedly I have an "important role" in it?

CAA: oh?

CRG: Hey Lana she just mentioned you and someone named Finola?

CAA: :O

CAA: what did she say???

CRG: She's woried Finola will mess things up for you? Because she seems very generous with the information she shares.

CAA: hm.

CAA: i hope our conversations didnt mess anything up for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRG: Hopefully not!

CRG: She said to tell y'all "Try not to get too overwhelmed! You have a very big job to do, but I'm confident you can do it well!"

CRG: IDK if she intended for me to directly quote her but oh well.

CRG: She said "Hello."

CAA: tell her i say hi!!!

CTQ: i say hi too then

CRG: She said "Hello Lana!! You will be amazing in the game, I'm sure!"

CAA: :O

CAA: :D

CRG: Also she said "Hello Kacy!! Your job is very big too but your creativity will serve you well!"

CRG: Sorry its taking me a while to type these she uses several numbers instead of letters.

CAA: valid!!

CTQ: ohh! and valid

CRG: Oh it seems she knows about Nova too.

CRG: Just mentioned that video game metaphors are more Nova's tastes though.

CAA: huh

CRG: BTW do y'all mind me asking what you've been told so far about this game? Karrom and Argaia are vague but they said they're supposed to be. IDK I guess a collective knowledge might make this easier though.

CAA: finola said something about powers? and that she didnt gain hers?

CAA: i didnt talk to kirrin long enough to learn much

CAA: and poscah was purposefully vague because argaia told her to be

CTQ ceased responding to memo.

CRG: Huh, I guess Argaia did say she was the one who mostly enforced the whole vagueness thing.

CAA: huh

CRG: It's a bit late to ask Kacy but has he mentioned anyone named Lyerra?

CAA: not that ive been here for

CAA: why???

CRG: Oh, I did the :3c emote and Argaia said Lyerra would like it and when I asked who Lyerra was she said he's been talking with Kacy.

CAA: so is lyerra a furry or something???

CRG: LOL

CRG: IDK but he likes cats according to Argaia.

CRG: To directly quote her, "Little guy, likes cats, good at hiding."

CAA: oh ive heard of him!!!!!!

CAA: finola and kirrin mentioned him earlier!!!

CRG: Huh. I guess they really all do know each other.

CAA: well they said that they are all trapped together basically

CRG: Huh.

CRG: I guess I really haven't found out much about their whole situation.

CRG: Karrom did say there were about a dozen of them though.

CAA: wow thats.. a lot

CRG: Yeah.

CAA: some of them implied that they need us to help them???

CRG: Really? Argaia said she and Karrom were just trying to help us.

CRG: Some stuff about a new environment and having something familiar (them) there to help us?

CAA: kirrin threatened to make our lives hell if we didnt manage to save them

CAA: kirrins,,, scary :(

CRG: Oh yikes.

CAA: i hope she doesnt contact me again

CWW ceased responding to memo.

CRG: Well you can always block her, can't you?

CAA: i already did that and she still managed to contact me :(

CAA: !!!!!!!

CAA: finola just messaged me!!!!!!!!

CRG: Oh oof. Well hopefully she doesn't contact you anymore.

CRG: Oh?

CAA: she says that argaia told her to stop talking to me so shes talking to me now because of that

CRG: LOL. As funny as that is, maybe should should listen?

CRG: IDK what

CRG: 's going on exactly but it seems like it might be best to be careful.

CAA: it might be best to be careful but i also would like to know whats going on!!

CAA: finola just said that

CAA: argaia messed up a lot of things when they played the game

CRG: Oh?

CRG: ((sorry i'll brb i gtg use the bathroom))

CAA: she didnt really explain in more depth

CRG: Huh, Argaia made it out like it was the whole group that messed up.

CAA: she mentioned something about a "time player"???

CRG: What does that mean?

CAA: "uhhh just knovv it's rreally helpful forr biggerr and shittierr grroups"

CRG: Is it supposed to be an Ocarina of Time reference or something?

CRG: Oh?

CAA: "because vve fuck up a lot morre than smallerr vvell-coorrdinated ones like yourrs"

CRG: That's... weird.

CAA: she said stuff about there being other powers and that the way we gain them is "kinda suprising"

CAA: and said that she looked ahead and that mine are pretty cool!!!

CAA: shes pretty cool herself,,,

CRG: What does that mean? Looked ahead?

CAA: i uhh

CAA: dont exactly know

CAA: shes accusing me of being a furry :O

CAA: the only furry i know of is kacy >:P

CRG: Well are you?

CAA: no!!!!!!!!!!!

CRG: LOL OK.

CAA: we only have room for !!!one!!! furry in this group!!!

CAA: and that furry is kacy!!!!!!!!

CRG: TBH though I'll be kind of glad when we play this game or whatever so people can stop being vague.

CAA: oh big mood!!!

CRG: ((brb sorry))

CAA: she said that im the only one she talks to??? at least as far as she knows so far????????????????

CAA: she says that we all have really cool powers!!!

CRG: Oh?

CAA: she didnt really elaborate before moving on to venting about her session

CRG: Huh.

CRG: What's she saying about her session if it's alright to ask?

CAA: that most of the people to gain powers in that session were

CAA: give me one second to find a word to replace the one she used please

CAA: jerks

CRG: Oof.

CRG: I guess she's probably not gonna talk much about the game itself huh?

CRG: Though I guess I should mind my buisness to avoid "spoilers" so to speak.

CAA: she did say to not be shaken up about the method of gaining the powers if youd consider that something useful!!!!

CRG: I guess power does come at a cost.

CAA: do you have any ideas of any questions i should ask her???

CRG: Maybe if she can at least give us a little information about what we're getting into? IDK I had more questions but I forgot sorry.

CAA: "take it serriously, it seems like a game but rreally it's superr &^*#(@^ serrious"

CAA: censoring mine

CRG: Huh.

CAA: "you'rre on a prretty strrict time limit, so uh prriorritize and shit"

CAA: she swears a lot hm

CAA: im just not gonna censor it since its her words not mine so it shouldnt bring me bad luck

CAA: "prriorritize yourr frriends overr the game and the game overr us"

CAA: " some people vvill tell ya that the game's the most imporrtant thing"

CAA: "but rreally it's yourr grroup"

CAA: "you need ALL OF YOU to succeed"

CAA: "that's vvherre vve fucked up"

CRG: Hmm.

CRG: Well I guess that does seem like useful advice.

CAA: "but like 100% no shit put yourr grroup beforre yourr session"

CAA: " because the game is strrange"

CAA: "it makes you think you'rre supposed to do one thing, and you get so focused on that thing,"

CAA: oh this gets.. interesting

CAA: "but rreally that vvasn't it at all"

CAA: "and if you decide that a possibly vvrrong goal in the game is morre imporrtant than yourr frriends, vvell..."

CAA: "it's not good"

CAA: "it was the worst mistake we ever made"

CAA: "and look where we ended up"

CAA: "everybody'll tell you you can't trust anybody and all that crap"

CRG: Oh. That's interesting.

CAA: "but really the one you can't trust is the game itself."

CAA: "it's not you versus each other or you versus us or even you versus the queen. it's your group versus the game."

CAA: "that's how i see it anyways. not that anybody listened. not that i knew it in time to make a difference."

CAA: "not that i could've, without any powers."

CAA: it seems like its really important for us to all stick together!!!!!

CRG: Yeah. We should probably mention this to Kacy and Nova?

CAA: ill send them the log when they get back on!!

CAA: "you have to stay together. promise me that. i know kirrin's told you not to give a shit about us, that you have to win."

CAA: this,,, gets dark so im going to paraphrase what she said if thats ok

CRG: OK! I'm a bit worried now though.

CAA: she says that even more important than the game is keeping the group together

CAA: she started to,,, spill her guts and id prefer not to send what happened but heres some info from it

CAA: "i don't know why the game picked what it did for you. but i'm worried about what that could do to you."

CRG: OH?

CRG: Thats... kind of concerning?

CAA: yeah!!!!!!!

CRG: Well I'm here for you so hopefully nothing bad happens! In regards to the what it could do to you thing.

CAA: she says that we have a good group and for me to not be afraid to ask for help

CRG: Huh.

CRG: Well I'll always try to be here for y'all!

CRG: Well I got to go to sleep, let me know if anything interesting and/or important happens!

CAA: alright!! sleep tight!!!

CRG: You too! Whenever you do!

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stay-hopefull · 4 years

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Okay so. I've thought a lot abt writing things down but every time the effort of like. Sitting down and writing everything out is too much? Idk tbh

Past days ive been tired a lot again; monday was all day and today i started great! There's this online discord-"library" where you just turn on your camera but turn off your microphone and others do too and that way it doesn't feel like im studying alone all day. Short term its good for making me start on time and keeping me from wandeeing around the house aimlessly. It does however push me to do more than i can actually do spoon-wise? I think? Idk i did good work before noon and then ate and took a longer break, but then i sort of got mentallystuck on the couch

(okay this isn't the energy thing tho this is the fact that there was really bad communication from the teacher abt if class was a lecture (which i can stream) or guided excercises (which id have to independently figure out bc i cant go to class rn). And also there was miscommunication abt when class would start. Meaning that it was 15 minutes after when i thought class would start and i still had no idea what whas going on. And my brakn was kinda stuck like 'hey you have to watch this lecture' but there was no lecture. So i needed recalibration time. I did eventually succeed at figuring out what to do :) )

Anyway i was able to join the guided excercises via videocall with a friend who was there. So that was okay but also chaos bc there was lots of background noise and i couldnt find a sound level at which i could understand everything i needed to (without having to put concious effort into hearing ánd understanding people) but not overwhelmed by the (very similar) background noise. So i just had my brain struggle a bit more than it should've. And then i was really fuckening tired. And i literally just shut off the video call and laid my head on my arms bc there was No Energy For Anything. Moving to the couch 2 meters away was like impossible. I think it took me abt 15 minutes of laying there? And then i put my stuff back on my own desk and crashed in the couch. For like an hour. Which, yk, was probably an indicator that i'd done enough that day but noooo

My brain has this amazing tendency to say "you haven't finished your work so now you can't do anything else. Oh you can't work rn? Guess you'll spend time scrolling social media and feeling like your life has no purpose"

So i checked if anyone was in the library and there was so i joined them and continued studying. I think i did like 45 minutes? And then my dad said go eat so i did. But after that i went back to studying. I only stopped bc in high school i refused to keep working later than 8pm. And it was already 20h30. But yeah i started crying just before going to bed so i dont think today was as okay or repeatable as id like it to be. I feel kinda overworked and i have no idea how i'll manage 7 weeks of this + exams. Just today we received the dates of when reports are due and i already feel so behind on everything. I don't even know how much weeks of class have passed already. Its like one big blur of stress and anxiety and "you have to do this!" "You have to be there then!" "Remember to answer the 25 messages from yesterday!" "Oh yeah you're running out of food and haven't done the dishes in a week :)" and i keep telling myself that ill be fine, that ive done this before but like. At what cost. What's the point of keeping on doing this to myself. I just want it all to stop.

So that overwhelmed feeling is almost definitly the one that turns into breakdowns. Along with the voice that says 'you did this wrobg. You did that wrong. That's no good. Why did you do that. Stop trying. You'll never be good enough'.

I guess i can call them burn-out and impostor syndrome but right now giving them a name just makes me angry at how you can't get faciliteiten at uni unless you have a diagnosis and even then idk what that'd help with.

Im gonna sleep now i have class tomorrow morning :)

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