#this is how i found out hes dead and im only awake rn bc my adhd medication is bad

[momiamtired]

i tremble and panic when remembering what my life will be. im scared and lonely and i dont want anything else, just to see my family and home. for some reason i feel like in mt first days here, and even then it wasnt that bad. im afraid of the idea that i have to get used to this. i don t find living in the apartments and going to work that scary but still just understanding of how life plays with me makes me feel misserable. oh how i wish i never looked up this university in google, when i was lying in my warm bed at the winter, excited, because i found western university that will bring me to my dreams and actually is afordable for my family. i feel so stupid and im so sorry dad i am you spend so much money on me and im not even grateful. this fucker oh fuck he asks if 2 pm is okay for me. i dont think any pm is okay for me. i think tomorrow will be horrible. i dont think he thinks of me in a romantic way, he has some chicks name in his user name sticker. i fucking hate him. but i wish he could comfort me. he probably doesnt care in the slightest ab me. for some reason i kinda feel like omori? is this a strange reference idk. well omori song just started playing so i thought of it. i feel like i dont really should be in this world. i want to come back to what it used to be. i guess a lot of people think about the same things but uh yeah. i guess tomorrows gonna be awful. i really dont want to see him espercially this early but i have to get out of the house, it will fucking eat me alive. i must have studied a lot today but ima lazy ass and cryed all day. i hate that the idea of crying is so normalized today. its like oooh i cried because of this dead pigeon!! wtf no i believe tears are not for this. people cry when they experience strong emotions. my other roommate is singing songs in the shower god i hate her. its 9 pm btw. she screams like a pig. sometimes she is nice and i truly believe she is a nice person. i still hate her and would like to see her dead. but no right now. im not that angry right now. when i think of my mom i start to cry. i miss her so much. it was always like this when i was a kid, i would always cry when i was at sleepovers. i dont know why, its a strange feeling. it is reallt strange. when im okay i dont even want to talk to her, its like i dont have a lot of stimuli to do so? but when i feel bad the only oerson i want to call is her. i guess shes the only one who i believe would reallt care. not even my best friend who i would always call the best person in my life. im just a bad person. when she tells me that something happened to her im always kinda happy it happened. its not always like this but sometimes i feel like oh lol ye u deserved it bc there is enough good in ur life. im just an awful always jelous person. i guess world would be a better place without people like me. people like me are the people who shoot schools. i would be happier if it uh fuck again its like when u remembering something like just spontaneus and u immediately start to cry and tremble and like idk feel bad? i feel so so so homesick. i didnt feel that homesick at the start and here i am after 3 months here. i really love my parents and actually my home i am so sorry that i never told anyone this or idk oh god im so so sorry i never respected never understood. i guess its just that im homesick and my home isnt that good but tbh i cant of a thing better rn than my home. fuck any other place. fuck heaven. i just wish i could my cat and my mom sitting and talking loud at 7 am when the sun is rising with her mom and she will make me awake and i will go and ask her to be quiet really angryshly and she will go to her room and i will try to sleep again but now i cant so i smoke my vape and browse through tiktok, lying in underwear and some t shirt, then my cat will come to me and start meowing for me to play with him, i will annoignly play alittle bit with him and then proceed to do my every day morning chores. but summer in my country when u have friends is amazing. i mean my city. okay i will end now to mush words

[ibroughtthisonmyselfpixels]

Intermission 2 Replies

I don’t think I’m gonna be getting any more replies on the intermission, and there’s only so long i can leave this until i do, so here’s the reply-to-existing-replies batch now. but first:

@bountifulberries replied to your photoset “So because I have no restraint, I made a very smol tiny Sim called...”

I think a paid surrogate mother would be a very interesting contestant / sim in general!

It’d certainly put a new stamp on the 100bc, that’s for sure

@sevenleafsimblr replied to your photo

“FORMER BC ORGANISER FOUND DEAD IN HOME A once-prominent figure in the...”

��

he died before his prime

sevenleafsimblr replied to your photo “A sweet or agreeable succession or arrangement of sounds.”

it completely flew over my head during the Melody Reveal that "melody" is also a music term and im mad @ myself

Un Der Standable

@jackssims replied to your photoset “Deacon: “…spinning?” ”

It looks like she’s t-posing to asset her dominance

Lissa said by PM:

This is a little silly to mention but -- I think it's kind of cool how you're incorporating old stuff again? Like, between the Wilkersons and a tie to Charlie and stuff. I know that old stuff can be hard for you sometimes, so I Just Think It's Neat ^^

i said at the time that it’s more out of necessity some of it than anything else to flesh out the neighbourhood, but you know what? i change my answer. it’s not that the old stuff isn’t hard for me, it’s that the new stuff is just as hard. i want my being good back

@tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “But back then, when I didn’t have to hide… the Wilkersons and I - we...”

I am terrified of what comes next but I am actually so happy that she has a good support network

without that system in place who knows where she would be. somewhere you wouldn’t wanna read, i’ll bet

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “At first I liked Jase best, just because he was so quiet and strange...”

They must be very good friends. They survived using the blue shell on one another

Cid is a good dad and won’t ground Lauro for that. Now if he’d used that lightning on him, he might’ve thought about it - that fucking lightning bolt’s the fucking worst

jackssims replied to your photoset “¦it wasn’t always good. Not those times. But that wasn’t because of...”

Those blondes... �� (unless of course I’m reading too much into this, then I redact my eyes emoji, but I’ll wait and see)

That’s true; we never did get a real answer for that, did we?

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

B I t c h e s

Well, yes, that applies regardless

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lynn: “You’ve got it riiiight here! BLEH!!” Melody: “U-under my eyes?...”

Lynn is such a good person..............................;;;;;;

Lynn makes you cry from all six of your eyes. strexgnome

jackssims replied to your photoset “And t- then there was the one that worried everyone… the - I got a,...”

��

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

:eyes:

sevenleafsimblr replied to the same:

uh oh.....

I will only say this: it’s fortunate that the girlfriend didn’t make everything totally and utterly worse for her

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lavandar: *wide-eyed* “Y-you - you dated your own bully?!”...”

I don't trust you Blonde Scarlet and Viola

O KA y whether they’re who you think they are or not that description is fucking hilarious

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Estelle: “…Oh god, Melody. Are you okay?”  Melody: *shaking* “Please…”...”

Don’t touch her you fucker. Don’t touch her

‘Limp’ is very specific and deliberate consistently-abused-child language, at least to me. If you don’t put up a fight, it doesn’t hurt as much.

jackssims replied to your photoset “Estelle: “…Melody? Melody, can you look at Mommy please?” Melody: “…”...”

Fuck Estelle

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

I want her to die

sevenleafsimblr replied to the same:

estelle can you be a good girl and get some sleep and not wake up

It isn’t wrong, but it is interesting that ‘can you be a good girl’ is what a lot of you replied to throughout this. is it because it’s the most convenient place, being at the end; because it feels weird commenting on the actual violence; or because the emotional manipulation is the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lavandar: “Noooope! No no no no, no. It doesn’t work that way,...”

PREACH IT LAV IM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU LAV

As you well know, this is something I have to work hard to convince myself, hence the soapbox. (Can it be a soapbox if you have trouble holding the soapbox’s beliefs?) It doesn’t help that I do charity work at a bookstore, and Torey Hayden / Cathy Glass / other trauma-porn books come in on the regular - it’s hard to be confident in the legitimacy of how Mum’s affected me when stories that feature kids who’ve been utterly decimated and forgotten over the years are in my line of sight that often.

Incidentally, I hope I haven’t crossed the line to trauma-porn here. This is intended to be an explanation for part of Lorelei’s backstory and why she has a lot of the mannerisms she does (plus a few hints for down the road, but that first thing first and foremost) - obviously making you sad is a goal too, but not to an exploitative extent, you know? 

@cafesimming replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “I… I’m sorry. I won’t say it again, I’m sor–”...”

i havent been replying but i just got s chance to read sll this and i love lorelei and i love lavandar and i love this story and im quite literally on the verge of tears reading all this rn and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa love

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

bountifulberries replied to your photoset “Lavandar: *shrinks back, curling up onto herself, breathing shakily* ...”

All of this is making me so sad but it’s so well done!! I literally didn’t wanna go to bed last night bc I wanted to keep waiting for updates to post

get some sleep Kasey. if you’re going back to school you need all the sleep you can get. i can be awake for you and get in trouble for it

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I really am sorry, you know. Lavandar. That I’m p- that I’m putting...”

It wasn’t a lack of bravery. You were so brave

there’s two kinds of bravery: to confront, and to endure. Lyra has the confrontational bravery covered. Lorelei is the endurance. 

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “He looked at my arm. He looked at me. H-he… looked at me, like Lyra...”

Zeus bless Jase. In all truthfulness

give him the happiest of marriages and the least of links to that box with the finger in it...

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦He didn’t say a word… to me.” Jase: “…” Pal: “Poor fucking Melody....”

is. is he gonna make himself talk to help her. is. is he gonna do that. because if he does i'm fucking gonna cry

He!! Did that!!

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “But I’ll… even with everything… I’ll forever be grateful that he...”

god what a hero

the hero we need but we don’t deserve

jackssims replied to the same: 

Good. This is good (I hope)

It was a mixed blessing

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I didn’t put two and two together until Jase told me later… but Mom...”

You weren't bad. You weren't bad

Lorelei knows that. Melody does not.

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦what happened after that, Lorelei? Did she–?” “She was held for a...”

oh colby...

I’m not sure where else to put this yet, but designing Estelle was almost as much - not necessarily fun, but it took about as much thought as designing Amelia did back in the day. I think she’s quite handsome, but it’s ruined by her looking almost perpetually sour/disgruntled. I even employed another Enid Blyton trick: her eyes are closer together compared to my other Sims, and a pale blue, much like Prudence from another St Clare’s book. Until they (Prudence’s) turned brown in a later scene in one of the few legitimate continuity errors I’ve seen from Enid but that’s neither here nor there 

I’d also like to emphasise an actually salient point: if it wasn’t clear, Estelle isn’t mentally ill in any way that I know of. There may be neuroses there that never got diagnosed, but they're not the root of her behaviour even if there are. She’s reprehensible enough without chemical imbalances there to influence it. 

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “We tried to be safe. She tried to… let us be a normal family. A happy...”

I understand rationally that Colby is a victim of abuse but /damn/ does he make my blood boil rn

I in turn understand why you’d be angry at him - he allowed a very volatile influence back into Lorelei’s life - but honestly I mostly feel pity for him. He’s a bit like, um... what’s a good comparison...? Charlie Swan feels like the closest analogue, though the circumstances are different there. He can try to lay down some rules and speak the truth of it, but when the largest female influence in the house is this dominant, this domineering, and cares more about what he can do for her than what he chooses to do for himself, what chance does he have? 

It doesn’t help that being willing to please and put his own neck on the line to keep other people happy is kind of a core part of his personality - he’s the person from whom Lorelei inherited the Good trait (much like Amelia got Perfectionist from Maus), but his manifestation of Good leans more towards Doormat than Empathetic, if you see what I mean. It becomes especially clear if I reveal and then you consider he dropped out of college at twenty halfway through a tech degree specifically to marry Estelle so that she could have someone to keep her company at medical school. Self sabotage for the boosting of others.

(Estelle’s two years and a few months Colby’s senior, by the way)

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I was a wreck at home, and a - even worse, at school. I kept my mouth...”

I wish there was a word for like, SHSL Mom. Because that's what Lynn is. She's like a Double Mom

maxi extreme ultra Mom

Vid incidentally got very upset at around the Jase Pal break-up post, for good reason: these people are just kids. this stuff is much too big for them, they didn’t deserve this.

@geezsims liked your photoset “¦to Bridgeport.” “God. All by yourself? No one-?”  â€œThe journey, y-...”

Han. Han. I admire the like, Han, but I feel like you’ve missed, like, nine tenths of the story here

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

See Colby /this/ is how you Dad

by dying your hair, or sending your kid to a safe place? i’m not sure the intended message here

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦Lorelei Kessler.”

My hero

I need a Lorelei; I’m holding out for a Lorelei til the end of the etc

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “I trust you, Lavandar. I trust you. I trust you. N- no...”

Lavender: *a gentleman's guide to love and murder playing* I've decided to marry you! I've decided to marry you!

Blessed Image

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “Lyra?! Uh- um -” *clambers up* “You’re - you’re back?” ...”

Man I’m happy you’re going to be here, Ly, but what a buzzkill We almost had a confession!

Like I said in the end credits, we almost had a lot of things ;)

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦ *crunch* *click* *crunch*  â€¦ Lyra: “…okay, and - open.” – End of...”

Now you’re the cockblock, Dub

bountifulberries replied to the same:

RUDE

jackssims replied to your photoset “¦ *crunch* *click* *crunch*  â€¦ Lyra: “…okay, and - open.” – End of...”

Ending it with a tease, eh?

Okay y’all I understand but like y’all, y’all. y’all. this part of SoS is ultimately Lorelei’s story. If I’d ended it with the full Lyra reveal, it would become Lyra’s story again too much, and a lot of the impact of what Lor’s been talking about would’ve been lost. I felt like I was pushing it as it is

jackssims replied to your post “Intermission 2: Melody End Credits”

This interlude-update was amazing. It made me feel stuff like never before, and I was always refreshing my dash for it. Great job!

holy hell thank!!!! I’ll try to maintain that quality, or at least a small fraction of it, into the rest of the project going forward! 

[jinnielovebot]

stray kids first impressions!

tagged by: @hyyunjinn @lovelyyhyunjin (hyunjin stan squad comin in hot 😩)

tagging: @hyunjinh @christopher-bang​ @seungchanie @felixeslee @felixsfreckles @bangchant @chuuyo @hyunsungg @scene-stealers @straykids1 (im tryna tag new ppl rn pls lmk if u dont want me to LMAO also idk whos done it so far)

the mv drops in like 4 hours im wheezing 

the date you found stray kids: oct. 6

how: i saw articles of jyp’s upcoming boy group/survival show and me, a hoe for survival shows had to know what was going on,,,,,,,and then the hellevator mv showed up in my youtube notifications and i was curious abt it so i clicked it and all hell broke loose from there

first overall impression: pls,,,no hate in my inbox i beg im gonna b real honest n genuine when i say this LFMAO: i didnt like hellevator when i was first listening to it, i kinda liked the beginning part of seungmins voice but once it did like a 180 and went to changbins rap i was immediately turned off by it and i honestly thought “ugh so its another bad boy group why do so many groups try so hard to be edgy nowadays” and i wasnt exactly a fan of the vocals or hardcore rap but i kept listening to it hoping it would get better and it did and once i got to the chorus i started warming up to it AND THEN hyunjins rap is when i hit the fkcing FLOOR and then i ended up falling in love with the song soon after lMFAOSO :’’’’)))) 

tldr; i thought they were trying too hard to b edgy but then realized they r a bunch of cute dumplings that i wanna boop on the daily :///

individual impressions ––

chan: "his hair looks fried” - LISTEN OKAY in the mv his hair looked like a pile of hay NO OFFENSE AHDKAS LMFAO but when i heard that he was a trainee of 7 years i was like holy shit?? my respect for u?? is thru the roof??? to be really honest when i found out he was one of the aussie members and he was the leader of the group i felt kinda iffy because i didnt think he would be fit for that role but i was COMPLETELY wrong after i watched the first few clips of him and honestly i could just feel that he was leader material and w0w i have so much respect for him and also funny story when i first got into them i thought chan and chris were two different poeple i hate myself

woojin: "omfg his neck is thicc af” - LMFASODASDA god i hate myself for that being the first thing i thought of when i saw him AJSDKA OKAY BUT LIKE i forgot which video it was but i just saw him at an angle that made his neck look SUPER THICC and i was like this guy probably has gr9 vocals nd i was RIGHT LMAO i thought he was super cute when he was playing the guitar and singing n oml i love him

minho: “rapper?? singer?? which one is he” - i felt like i was super behind on getting to know him bc i didnt see him too too much in the hellevator mv?? BUT i srsly went heart eyes when i saw him in those cute af circle glasses when he was packing his bundles n not to mention id heard a lot of people rave about his bundles which i thought was SO FKING CUTE and idk when i looked at him he kinda had this like shy smile/look and i thought it was just so precious watching him ;;;

changbin: "why is he so angry in his rapping” - changbin stans pls dont come @ me,,,,,when i first listened to hellevator i started to not really like the song or him after hearing his part because i thought it sounded overly angry and aggressive but after listening to 3racha i honestly started to fall in love with his style more nd more and even know hes probably my fave in 3racha and my luv 4 him grew even more when i saw how cute he was when he smiled and tried to b dark

hyunjin: “IM SORRY BUT WHO ARE U I NEED TO KNOW” - this bih COPPED me of my sanity when i heard his voice in hellevator like it just snapped me awake and made me suddenly 10000% more interested bc i felt like his voice just sounded so idk how to put it but it was like super determined and strong willed sounding kinda like an “watch me prove you wrong” kind of tone WHICH ISNT A BAD THING IDEFK HOW TO EXPLAIN OMG like it just went SUPER well with the flow of the song and i just absolutely fell in love with his voice n then i saw his face and i was like how do u rap like that u have such a cute baby face wtf and then i fking scoured all the possible info on sk to find out who he was and that was when i became a fool™ for him :///

jisung: “wait hes rapping now i thought he was the vocal what” - SIMILAR TO CHANGBIN i wasnt like overly fond of him during the first few parts of hellevator because i thought his vocals were just eh and unnatural sounding until later i realized it was autotunes fault and again like changbin i thought his rap was overly aggressive but it wasnt until 3racha that i started to really really appreciate him and fall in love with his voice not to mention i was SNATCHED by his high note in the hellevator practice perf in front of jyp

felix: “he looks like he has tangerine hair– WHAT THE FK IS THAT VOICE” - o boi even before i started getting into them i’d heard a lot of people rave about how there was an aussie kid w freckles in this group and when i first heard him in hellevator i was definitely impressed with his flow/voice in the song ASKDA and then after that all the moments of him memeing on everything and also his stage charisma just mde me go HEAD OVER HEELS FOR HIM AKSDH he was the first threat to my bias list bc he jus felt like so RELATABLE LMAO and also for the longest time i thought he was the maknae LOOLL

seungmin: “this voice is already a 10″ - goodness where do i start w kim fking seungmin,,,the moment i saw his face i just went heart eyes because he looked like a living marshmallow and his voice?? im dead. seungmins voice has just this warm sounding tone that makes him so easy and pleasing to listen to like IDK WHAT IT IS but i thought the way he sang was just so cute and genuine that i couldnt help but swoon over him ;;;;;; he was and currently still is threatening hyunjins spot on my bias list ASJKDKJAK i actually had a bias crisis around the time that sk went on the busking mission because i would watch hyunjin fancams,,,,,,,,but only pay attention to seungmin,,,,,,,,,,,,,i literally replayed seungmins part in school life like 600 times,,,aHEM anyways 

jeongin: “his eyes are so pointy” - the first thing that attracted me to him were his eyes bc they were just super unique looking?? idk im whack lmao but after watching the episode clips i was just WHIPPED for him bc he looked so soft n smol ;;; AND the part that Snatched me the hardest was when he was singing trot in the practice room and i startedTEARING UP because he was so cute and oh my god i love him

we dead binches after the mv drops good luck my dudes 😔✊

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[subjectsilver]

5:05 AM on July 23rd

i absoTonight someone got stabbed over a god damn jul pod. 

but lets back up

I have been at school for a week.

I needed to get out of columbus... just like old times there was just nothing left for me there i was just killing myself because of how summer went and how i am and shit whatever. it'll be nice to temporarily go back in the winter and spring and even next summer and i can't wait until then but for now i need to not be there. I need school i need distractions i need people - i need people who are my friends but I'm not too close with - distractions are all i need right now so i don't hurt myself.  

I came back to Wake and literally the first day i was here i heard                       1-800-273-8255 - Logic 3 times by three separate people. Thats a fucking sign if i know it...ive never really heard that song until like that day and now i listen to it every single day...

Everyday i wake up and have running or lifting and i do that in the morning then i just sit and do nothing until playing pick up soccer at night which is kinda shitty bc fuck boredom and fuck routine but its a distraction none the less so its alright with me...

Im destroying my bank account because i have no meal plan so i eat out everyday which is like 10$ a meal cus life is expensive... but at least I'm eating i mean I'm still underweight sitting around 140lbs but I'm not getting any lighter. Tbh i was kind of getting comfortable being skinny because i love the way my baggy t shirts that are too big for me, fall on me when I'm underweight but i know inside i need to get my weight up to be healthy and like sane. but ill get there..i hope - eating as much as i can in hopes to gain weight anyway.

I knew i was forgetting something when i left -  well i forgot a lot but least of all i forgot my contact case so i was sleeping in my contacts for like 5 straight days and that shit killed my eyes but i finally got a case so last night was the first time i slept without them and if i sleep tonight it'll feel good as well.

I'm trying to think about what happened this week but nothing really happens during summer school it kinda sucks. I met all the freshman guys and girls and they all seem pretty cool I've been chilling outside with them  every night when were done with pick up and shit because i have nothing better to do and i like hearing conversation hearing them all talk and reading all of them. Half of them think I'm crazy because i only sleep like 4 hours a night and because my teammates tell them the stories that are my snapchat stories this summer. It is what it is ya know.

SIDENOTE andre keels is currently telling me about how he went on a date with this girl and he's low-key geeking out and its pretty funny, I'm happy for him he deserves the high that follows being low - i hope i get that eventually.

I had a really low night a couple nights ago where i just sat outside listened to jcole and smoked cigarettes by myself but i got thru it.. it just seems like when I'm doing absolutely nothing my mind takes over and i think about all the things that bother me with life or just life itself. its kinda shitty because it seems like when I'm not distracted its like a struggle to keep living like i don't understand the point of living or being alive or life in general so it confuses me why I'm here but i try not to think about it.

I thought i was a going to quit cigarettes but i literally need them not because I'm addicted but bc its something to do when I'm alone at night by myself... and i should prob get a jul pod or some shit but its so expensive and niggas are getting stabbed over it now and I'm just not about that lmao ........ I'm dying on my own terms if anything.

im not on social media really anymore. i check it every once in a while but very rarely except like writing weekly shit like i am rn or on snapchat. i guess like 5 albums came out or something and i had absolutely no idea. it's alright tho other people fill me in eventually I'm currently listening to tyler the creators new album. Its a lot better than i expected tbh.

 “5 car garage....full tank of gass but that don't mean nothing nothing nothing without u in the passenger”

took a little break to smoke a cig - I'm kinda nice at it now and hitting juuls tbh despite my efforts and much coughing in the past I'm finally getting nice. with my luck ill probably get cancer or some shit but thats alright i guess  (kanye hands)   

anyways down to business aka the most excitement of this week SOMEONE GOT STABBED OVER A FUCKING JUUL POD 

thats fucking lit and crazy and so disappointing of humanity but at the same time the greatest thing thats ever happened ever...

actually 2 people got stabbed but one kid got sliced in the finger so like that doesn't even count but the email i got said 2 people stabbed soon i mean i don't make the rules. I was chilling right i played like 2 games of pong and won both (ayeeeee) then i walked into this house and was staring out of a window i actually took a pic but this fight broke out and i turned around and everyone started leaving under the assumption cops would come... so i walked outside and i was trying to account for everyone that was there because DAD FOLDS came out and i was counting everyone and i thought i had it correct but this kid was like where is abby i think she's dead inside like passed out drunk soon despite hearing sirens i ran back inside and checked the house to find that she was not there which was good so i ran outside and started running with this kid named Sam.. so me and sammy for running through yards and bushes and shit but my shoe got caught in a bush (fuck me right) “sam go on without me live on  bruv” so sam started running away... i finally got unstuck and i saw like 3 cops chasing sam so i ran the other direction around this building and on the other side i saw 4 cop cars so immediately i dipped into these bushes where i hit my face on a brick wall and copped a gnarly scratch that will not scar which is disappointing... (incase u were wondering go had a black t shirt on and not the usual white so my shit was not stained or anything thank god) so i was laying there for a good 10 seconds and i got on snapchat and scrolled thru the stories for a brief moment when i heard “sir we saw you jump in the bushes please come out” i was like fuckkkk mee so i got out with my hands up cus a nigga not trynna end up like trayvon   and i backed up slowly and got handcuffed and then they patted me down found my wallet, luckily found my real ID and then put me in the car... i wait there for a little and scrolled thru snapchat behind my back and then they pulled me out and questioned me. I just claimed ignorance bc i actually didn't really know shit at all... my only lie was that i didn't know the only guy i was running with. Then they just let me go. They asked me why i was running if i didn't do anything and i was like “i wasn't trynna get stabbed and also cops these days shoot black people so i wasn't trying to be shot either” and at some point this cop was like do you have an accent where are u from and i was like uhhhh ohio? but they let me go and i walked back to campus and i saw all these freshman outside and i was like ooo go to bed y'all and we all went to bed.... then i laid there for like 2 hours before going back outside...talked to some people for a while who were out there and then skrrttted off to smoke and music and write..

present time  - its 5:48 AM and someone got stabbed over a juulie like 6 hours ago thats wild....................

tomorrow or today technically I'm going to play beer die (a drinking game) [google that shit] at like 3 and then go to a team cook out and chill. should be alright.

this tyler the creator album is actually kinda nice - i actually did find some nice songs on soundcloud tho today i found a really nice piano piece that kinda calms me down in the beginning then slowly gives me anxiety... I've had a lot of anxiety lately

it seems like I'm feeling so much shit now as opposed to being numb and feeling just so dead and all the feeling at once just scares the shit out of me or makes me heart want to explode but its kinda nice to feel shit sometimes... i still have moments days where i feel absolutely nothing but it is what it is...it can't all get better at one time... I've just noticed tho that like everything use to seem weird to me like literally “this is so weird” always went thru my mind but now EVERYTHING is so scary to me like even if I'm not paying attention and someone speaks to me and the sound catches me off guard it makes me jump. its weird - haha

its getting light outside i know i need to sleep because I'm trying to get 8 hours a night even tho it doesn't always happen but I'm trying. last night i laid awake for 2 hours thinking about magic tricks. card tricks that i will eventually try on people...i created my own card tricks in my head... i have zero decks of cards rn tho which is so rare for me never really happens.

anyways - another update will come next sunday and hopefully by then i get stabbed over a juul pod by then.  

6:00 AM   I FUCKING HATE BUTTERFLIES.

i love you good morning.

[yumenosakiacademy]

Me.trocon 2017 Saturday

diary for future me, read if you want but it’s rly only 4 myself tbh. Cosplayed: mik.an Tsumiki

OKAY so the morning was rly bad and hectic and i dont like remembering it but i woke up and got ready bc the lol.ita fashion show was at 10 am and dad n i left and dad stopped by burger king to get himself some food but my cramps flared up BADLY and i had a midol in my bag so i took it out but im afraid of pills and cant swallow them so i was shaking and then i started crying and the drive-thru girl was like “oh gosh are you okay?” and i explained what was going on but rushed and sloppily and she was like “oh this happens to my lil sis too.. it’s okay sweetie just relax” or soething and i had dad park the car in the parking lot of burger king and for me to put my midol in a BK crospy crown and take a huge bite and swallow but that backfred and i chewed some of the pill and it was Blegh but the midol didnt kick in right away and the cramps were still v bad so i had dad rive me home so i could lie down for a while and i asked mom to use the heater bc she accidentally woke up so i asked her while she was awake and she kept saying no bc she liked it but when i begged she let me use her bed and used mine and it barely helped but overtime i gradually geew okay and hadd to calm myself so the stress wouldnt make my cramps return and i left at like 11 am and i missed the BB panel too but it’s Okay and i walked in and met up w haji near the ticket place and thankfully her mom let us wander around the con

so we went to the GF panel but i was mainly distracted by a small octopus plushie on some guy’s head and haji n i kept joking abt us knocking it off his head and abt the guy playing space jam and bassboosted music outside the panel room and it being audible whenever someone opened the door to leave or come in pff... but the dipper did the lamby dance and it was cute aa and the dipper offered ppl in the audience scooby snacks to any of the audience so haji n i had one n it was rly good aa i hadnt had one of those in years theyre Yummy...

Anyway, after that, i tried to go to the DR meetup, but it was rly rly tiny?? like we held it inside w like 2 handfuls of ppl and we tried to get the junkos to step on the tsumikis (there were 3 of us, including me) w 2 junkos bc i requested it but the junkos didnt wanna accidentally pantyshot the camera so we got up from our kneeling positions haha and haji went to the dealers room for a while while this was going on and i tried to help the mikan when she said she got a cut on her face but she said it was alright and eventualy haji came back and i left w her and we decided not to go to the m.lp panel that i kind of wanted to go to and instead went to the dealers room and looked around and i showed her the idol merch table and haji said she’d buy me anything bc she didnt get to give me a birthday present earlier on in the year so i looked around for a Big hamster plushie or something but those seemed expensive so we came back to the idol table and got me the tori keychain i’d been wanting since yesterday or thirsday and haji got a tsukasa and then we ran into the ppl running the fine panel and we all joked abt “ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS, EICHI!!” 

and we walked around for a bit more before going to the rw.by panel but we could barely hear and we had to sit at the back of the room due to lack of seats so haji and i just whispered to eachother the whole time and i had haji read part of an en.stars smut fic w impregnation kink (just kink not actual mpreg) and a lil stupid thing i wrote abt rei and koga and then we watched the service dog near us near the other corner and watched it lick the carpet and Rest and enjoyed watchin it then we tried to walk around and someone asked for a pic of me but i was like “UHH WHERES MY SYRINGE PROP” so haji thought i elft it on the floor of the other panel and she left to go find it while i waited near these ppl bc they were just hanging out anyway and i kept worrying like “shes been gone for a while.. is she okay this shouldve been quick oh god” and my cramps started returning a lil but i tried to keep myself calm and the uraraka was like “are you okay i can go try n retkrkieve her if she got lost” and i was like “it’s okay” and eventually i checked deep in my bag and found it and i tried to call haji but she arrived just as i called her and i was like “i found it im sorry aa” and then we Ran to the en.stars panel

AND THE EN.STARS PANEL WAS SO SO MUCH FUN!! I have the first half recorded on video and since it’s rly late rn, i wont type too much abt that, but i asked eichi if he was anyone’s sugar daddy and, if not, would he be mine and he said he was kind of one to hajime and bought him lots of things and haji asked who was the most into minions and it was apparently Tori and i showed them the scooby doo au i made w some of haji’s assistance and showed wtaru (and the others) the Scoobkai Doonata that i drew and they all were laughing and i wa glad aa and the topic of vore came up again and i showed them shino’s ku.rochia vore post and the kiryu was like “OH MY GOD CAN I GIV U MY TWITTER SO I CAN BE SENT THAT” and the panelists were laughing and tori read the tweet aloud while laughing and i told them the ensemble vore account and eichi was like “well, theyve prob gained more followers today” and i asked if anyone in the audience wanted to see it and omeone rasied their hand so i showed them and they were laughing too and it was Wild.wataru apparently named his doves after fine members and tomoya, and i asked kiryu if he could lift rabits + fine and they nodded and i later asked if he knew that he’s a thicc bara and the fandom thirsts for him and he laughed and nodded. Haji asked them if they’d heard rainbow circus nightcore bassboosted and the eichi said they played it at practice ssometimes (i thick this was ooc not in-character answer) and someone in the audience actually KNEW the person who made that and messaged them and they messaged them that tori said they liked them and the rainbow cisurcus stuff and the person replied w “ Why” and honestly this whole panel was FUN but so someone told us where the en.stars buttons were so the fine group, their friend the kiryu, haji, and i all went to the booth and got buttons and i said goodbye to eeryone and walked around for a minute then haji n i went into the vol.tron talk panel and haji had to leave aww and after that the vol.tron panel was mostly shitty fanfic reading, swearing, and roasts and i wanted to go to vol.tronival but for reason i thought thatd be rude bc the panelists were like “we have to compete w... THAT” and so i stayed and went on my ipad most of the time.

I went to the per.sona 5 q and a and it was so full that i had to stand in the back but they sometimes kept bringing up per.sona 4 and perso.na 3 so i was confused and they said they were abt to start trivia and it might have spoilers so i took that opportunity to leave bc i dont want spoilers and it was kind of boring so i walked around the dealers room and i found a Rock and Uno and i talked to them and turns out the Rock was actually the mondo from the day before bc they said “hey, sweetie!” in a nice tone and i was confused and they were like “ah im the mondo btw!” so we talked and i talked abt how i watched both seasons of nan.baka in like.. 2 days and i was like “uno’s best boy-” and rock (as a joke) went deadpan and walked away and i was like “ROCK IS ALSO A GOOD BOY JUST.. UNO...” and rock came back and i said that uno and nico stole my heart and uno fistbumped me and rock was like “you should cosplay w us sometime~!” and i said i was considering doing uno but couldnt and i cant do most of the characters bc long sleeves and rock said i’d be cute as the chinese qi kid and i was like “i cant paint myself either but thank you!” and they had to leave but i got rock’s tumblr and they called me cute or sweet and i looked around the dealers room for a second more before scurrying to the LL panel and apparently the thing was 2 hours??

but anyway it was p funny and we all just messed around and did q and a and games like handshake  killer and karaoke! i sang half of Sentimental Liars but my voice wasnt as loud as i wouldve liked it and kind of shaky bc i was cold and Nervous and the nico from the panel and another random guy clapped for me and the 2 en.stars fans in front of me said my voice sounded nice and at some point i overheard those 2 talking abt making a screamo cover of melody in the dark and i was like “omfg are yall gonna actually make a cover. go fully hardcore” and Dead girl walking and candy store got sung and it was a Fun panel. the kiryu from earlierwalked in too so when everyone was talkign to eachother near the end of the panel, i asked shino if they wanted to say anything to the kuro and shino asked them how ranking went and the kiryu said they couldnt rank and shino was just so happy and keysmashing and asked f i could say “pls lift me mr.bara” and the kiryu chuckled and the kiryu was like “do they want me to like.. do anyfin?” so i asked shino and all he said was “DAB” so i took a pic of the kiryu dabbing and shino said they hadnt been feeling well so it cheered them up so i told the kiryu that and they said to tell shino that that made them happy and when the kiryu and i swapped tumblr apparently they already follow me and im like “FGNEGN DUDE.. I KNO U IVE SEEN U IN MY FOLLOWERS LIST IM YUMENOSAKIACADEMY ROX...” n they were like “oH” and they showed me a funny post abt shu and i proposed a tri.ch shu hc and then they ahd to leave but i stayed for the vol.tron panel but i was messaging shino thru most of it but i saw lynds (as lance) get hugged by the panel’s lance and i read some en.stars doujins and messaged another friend too so i wasnt paying much attention, then istill stayed in the room for the rw.by panel, but same i was just on my ipad but i saw some of the dares and the jaune sang and stuff and evemtually it was over and i walked around taking pics before going outside to wait for dad to pick me up 

and i took a pic of a pidge, lance, and keith and gav em lollipops and the pidge was like “omg ur nails.. wait, did u go to a hai.kyuu panel last year?” and i was like “ah, no i was casu.al d v a” and they were like “yea, but u went TO  a hai.kyuu panel, yea?” and i said yea and they were like “aa i was the hinata u talked to. i recognized u bc the nails” and i laughed bc thats my only noticable feature, huh. pff