#this is more irl based but it could be interpreted as kin based too because well. yeah

[strider-rambles]

avoidant attachment sucks balls

i keep feeling the urge to spill my guts but i'm so used to keeping everything behind tight lips and grimaces that its almost impossible for me to really put it into words now. i have so much to say and i have so many feelings its just not. happening and i keep wanting to sit my friends down and have heart to hearts and everything else but i think i might've managed to completely convince myself that they don't want to hear it.

and i miss having in depth, intellectual conversation, i guess. i wish i could sit down and have that side of me satiated because its its kind of a comfort i was raised on debates, and beyond that, the wholehearted sharing of experience

but i was also raised to be deeply isolationist. i avoid everyone i love because i get uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy the idea that someones expecting, begging for a reply i get so fucking uncomfortable and yet i crave that closeness to no end

and if i can control it, its fine if i can control every aspect of conversation; when, where, what, etc. i am okay if i can control every aspect of interaction; touch, time, location, i am fine

but that's fucked up. its fucked up. because they have feelings too and they might need more interaction than i can give them comfortably and i wish i wasn't like this i wish i wasn't so scared of the idea of being known, being loved, having expectations placed upon me but i don't know how to fix it so here i am rambling on tumblr, instead of being like. a normal dude, and talking to people, because its gotten to the point where im not comfortable talking to people about these sorts of things BECAUSE i'm so isolated everyones at an arms length away i am trapped in my own prison of fear and boy do i not know what to do about it like you'd think i'd have some idea of how to fix it but i don't and i i kind of don't WANT to fix it. because this is comfortable. yes its lonely but its comfortable as soon as someone starts showing interest i almost just avoid them ive gotten through it a lot of the time and there are special cases where i just don't find the person to be someone i could really get down and dirty in conversation with but a lot of the time its just my own fear that brings me here alone, and sad, and so so so exhausted

i dread it when my friends dm me. like its that bad and i don't want to dread it i want to be excited and everything else but im getting worse. im getting so much fucking worse i just want to be stuck in my own little hole and reach out when i want to but that's unfair to them and it doesn't help anyone not me, but fuck. its just so comfortable and i cant. find any reason to not do it and i fuck

its so unfair to them but i want it so bad i want that control at this point i'm gonna get accused of being a dirk LMAO i am my fathers son, something something fuck, i wish i were normal like its such a pain in the fucking ass to be like this i just god and part of me wishes those friends would find this blog because itd be so much easier than looking them in the eye and explaining this because fuck, man its embarrassing. hey, just so you know, i wasn't allowed to have friends as a kid so im super weird about having friends now and also uh never contact me ever until i reach out to you because i- like shut the fuck up dude

its like i want to punish people for liking me for wanting to hang out with me self hatred is CRAZY dave you should be over that arc i guess its just mild self dissatisfaction because like ugh. i'm totally trying to punish people for liking me and also punishing myself by never letting myself be normal

but heres the problem as well its like god i don't WANT to be honest with people because they get emotional and then that just makes me uncomfortable all over again and like god i just feel the need for control so so so fucking bad. i don't even know why its not that i don't want to get close its just that i don't like when someone RECIPROCATES. fuck more thoughts coming soon maybe i don't know.

[pumastuffs]

The 30 Day Non-Human Challenge (but all at once and slightly modified)

1. What is your species? I am a puma!

2. Have you told anyone?  Who? I've briefly brought it up with my younger sister, and I've also told my husband.

3. How old were you when you realized you were not human?  What made you realize it? My "official" awakening was a couple years back, sometime around 2012 or 2013.  I've always felt like a cat, and that was when I finally learned a word to briefly summarize my identity.

4. Do you identify as a part of the otherkin or therian community?  What communities do you identify with? When I first discovered the communities, I lurked mainly in the otherkin tags and used 'kin terminology.  With the recent influx of fictionkin in the otherkin community and tags, I've shifted more towards therian spaces.  Nothing against 'em, I just feel more comfortable with the therian crowd.

5. Tell the story of the first person you told. I think the first person I told was my little sister.  I don't remember it all that well, but I think it started as me talking about the concept and then admitting that yeah, I am one.  We're close and she's cool, so it went well.  Basically a "yeah, that makes sense," kind of thing.

6. Have you faced any abuse because of identifying as nonhuman? Nope!  I'm not very vocal about it irl or on my main blog, and I don't tag my personal posts here with the relevant tags, so I have no audience that could turn on me, haha.

7. Do you have a favorite nonhuman character? Judy Hopps!  When the movie came out, I was the same age as her, and I just really loved her personality.  She's a very relatable character and I love her.  I have a lot of "favorite" characters, but she's the first one who came to mind, and also the most recent.

8. Do you believe there should be nonhuman pride?  What do you imagine it being like? It'd be nice to be able to be a bit more open about it in public without fear of being made fun of, but I don't think "pride" is appropriate.  More just general acceptance.

9. What does being nonhuman mean to you? It means experiencing the world as an animal and a human.  It's kind of a best of both worlds situation.  I'm a feline at my core, but I get to do all these fun things that are inherently human experiences.

10. What have other people said about your nonhuman nature? Nothing, really.  The two people I've told have been supportive, but it's not a thing that we actively talk about because it doesn't *need* to be talked about.

11. Nope.

12. Your favorite nonhuman Tumblr site. Kinfood is probably still my favorite, even if they are inactive.  Lots of good recipes, and it was one of the first kin blogs I followed.

13. Your favorite nonhuman website. Buddy, I have no idea.  I know it's a faux pas, but 99% of my online consumption of therian stuff is tumblr.

14. Tell us about a time you met another nonhuman, whether in real life or online. I don't really actively socialize with other people in the community aside from the occasional reply, and I've not met anyone irl, so I don't think I can really say I've met someone.  Encountered, yes; met, no.

15. Your favorite nonhuman celebrity/person. I've forgotten how to spell it, but I did enjoy watching Kaniishta Njaiuk's videos.  Doggrin was also a favorite.  I loved those little rambling videos while they cooked.  Genuineferalswagger was another blog that I enjoyed going through, although they've since deactivated.  I hope all of 'em are doing well.

16. Your favorite nonhuman book (as in, nonhuman characters are the main focus). Anything with cats as the lead, haha.  Redwall is a classic series.  Watership Down is a good one.  I recently remembered The Grand Escape, but I haven't read that since elementary school.

17. Your favorite nonhuman movie. The Lion King is up there.  Zootopia and Brother Bear are also candidates.  I'm really bad at picking favorites.

18. Tell us a funny joke about being nonhuman. Otherkin don’t real.  A classic joke.

19. Is being nonhuman spiritual for you? A complicated question!  I believe that I'm a purposefully misplaced soul that was nurtured by my close relationship with my childhood cat and dogs.  So basically a mix of spiritual and psychological stuff (the latter being some kind of imprinting).  However you spin it, I believe my nonhuman identity was intentional on behalf of a higher power to help me get through life.  It sounds super cheesy, but it's the easiest way to describe it.

20. Tell us a few thoughts about what it's like being your species. Being feline is so innate that it's sometimes hard to pick out feline behavior from normal human traits.  It's comfy, though.  The worst part is being weirdly territorial  on some things; I don't like people touching my things, and I get this weird, uncomfortable feeling when people come over for the first little bit, like they shouldn't be there.

21. Your favorite nonhuman quote. I can't think of any off the top of my head, sorry!

22. What do you believe causes nonhuman identity? It depends on the person, honestly.  For some it's spiritual, for others it's psychological, and it can even be a mixture of both!  All I know is my vague, wishy-washy views based on my own experience.

23. What is your favorite nonhuman pride image? Uh, the theta-delta?  It's a nice little symbol, and it's a little more subtle than shouting "HEY I'M A CAT" from the rooftops, lol.

24. Write something or post a picture about nonhumans that upsets you. I'm a little bothered by the Tumblrkin(tm) taking over and warping the terms and everything.  I'm also weirded out by how fast it went from a small community on this site to literally everyone on tumblr is fictionkin.  I'm not losing sleep over anything, but like, how did this happen?

25. What is the worst argument you've heard against being nonhuman? They're all a little tired at this point, but the "your body is human" is an obvious one.  Like, yeah, of course.  You sure showed me, buddy.

26. Who is your biggest ally? I'm gonna be cheesy and say my husband.  He's not a spiritual person at all, but he accepts my views and gives me scritches and pets and calls me a cat sometimes.  It's nice.

27. What is your favorite type(s) of cake? Ice cream cake is my jam.  Red Velvet is good, too, followed by confetti cake.

28. What is your favorite type of pie? (Alternately, is pie an acceptable replacement for cake?) Pumpkin pie and buttermilk pie are both so good.  I used to think French silk was amazing back in the day, but it's probably a little too rich for me now.  Pie is definitely an acceptable replacement for cake.

29. Where did you first learn about being nonhuman? Here on good ol' tumblr.  I first saw the word on a post someone made about otherkin going into their ask box to complain about their interpretation of a character.  That lead me to looking in the tags to see what it was about, delving into the blogs (of which Tsu's was one of the first), and deciding "hey, this fits."  All of this was shortly before Tsu went off the deep end.

30. Tell us anything about being nonhuman that you want to end with. I did this all in one go so my mind is pretty tapped for comments or good advice or whatever.