#this is my father’s day poemish thing i wrote a thousand years ago

[inkaanki]

Letter buried in the backyard

why didn’t my father love me? why are his hand prints burned across me, when he never held me? why do my lovers suck their teeth at the sight of me when my lights are dim? why do I fall from so very high? why do some of them get lost forever looking for my worm? when will i shine in the sunlight and grow? where were my feathers, where were my fangs? how little i was. how does something come from nothing? or am i nothing just like him? was it like looking into a mirror, all black irises and silence? did you choose to name a shadow ‘daughter’? was I ever even yours? why is my heart so heavy when there’s nothing there? i wonder if you ever lie in bed wondering about me? i wonder if you wake in the middle of the night clutching your chest with my laughter ringing in your ears. i wonder if you go out walking in the night with my hair floating all around you? i wonder if the hush of early morning reminds you of my eyes? I wonder if an old picture of me wrinkles in the corner of your wallet. I wonder if an image of me hangs above the mantle in your mind. did you miss me everyday, watching my yards of black hair flying past? do you regret the things you never gave me? are there mountains of letters in a deposit box explaining everything? Will they make a difference?

you made me a painter, you gave me visions, you gave me sight beyond sight. you were my first blank canvas. will you die and never let me know? why didn’t you love me? why did i want you to? were you afraid you’d love me too much? Were you afraid you’d love yourself? Did you ever try? did I bury you, do you still hear me calling him daddy? It’s the most I ever told you. Do you hear it in the creaking floorboards and bird songs? Do you turn your head hoping its me? Do you stop strangers in the street thinking you’ve seen me? i hope you remember the timbre of my voice. did you want us to have the exact same wounds? why didn’t your father ever love you? Were you worthless and small? Did you cry yourself to sleep as your mother slept? Did you starve in plain sight? Did the wind beat your stomach like a drum? Did you feast on anyone who showed you the least bit of kindness? Did you scream when the blood on your skin turned cold? did you think of me while mopping floors and kneading dough? did a room of diners eat my love? Was there just never any left at the end of the day? We’re you a dying mule? Did you cross a river that licked up all my love before you came home? will i ever be healed? will i ever be released? will i ever stop cowering at bouquets of flowers? will i ever stop turning love to coins i can count? will i ever be able to open my palms without wincing? why didn’t you love me? why don’t you love me now?

you were my first broken promise. i wonder why you stayed to give us nothing. when will i be done hating you? didn’t you see how my arms hung just like yours? why am i so scared of you? why can’t i tell you all these things? am i afraid to know that you loved me all along and said nothing? am i afraid that there’s someone inside who still reaches across the years for you? is this how you planned it, so i would always think of you?