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lizzybeth1986 · 5 years

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Quick Thoughts on The White People Waambulance, Chapters 18 and 19

• Sorry this QT is coming out so late, guys. I regret to say my heart wasn't really in this one...and it hasn't been with regards to my QTs for a while. This one might be my last, unless we count me finishing them off for the (not rewritten) Book 1. It's been two years since I began, and the last two books made the process honestly really exhausting.

• I clubbed the two finale chapters together because I really couldn't be bothered to do separate ones for both.

• In fact...I won't be doing any of what I have been doing for my QTs so far. I'll be honest to you: I usually do multiple replays, the last few in tandem with the other routes on YouTube. I go through the scenes one by one. I keep note of differences and variations and carefully choose screenshots that will reflect the gist of the scenes.

But I couldn't be bothered to do any of that this time. I pressed the "continue" and then the "end book" buttons as soon as I finished my first run of those chapters. I'm drained, guys. And I don't think I'll be coming back to the TRH series at least, not even for Liam or Hana or Kiara. Maybe my mind will change by the time the second book comes out (update from present-day Lizzy: no it didn't) but I'm not counting on it. And you'll probably know why by the time this QT ends.

• TW: Discussions on racism, both fandom racism and from within the narrative. The last section of this QT is going to be...pretty heavy, guys.

There's also going to be a lot of anti-Drake, anti-Olivia, anti-Madeleine and anti-Penelope content here, so if you like any of those characters...well, you've been warned.

The ensuing post is going to be LONG, and I know a lot of you have good reasons not to deal with long posts, so here's a tldr:

1. The TRR writing team stick to their weird obsession for jobless whiny white men.

2. Read this book once and you'll feel like you're drowning in an ocean of white tears.

3. WOC continue to get scraps from the writing team, even as they boast of being diverse and inclusive. In fact, they're regularly treated as mere tokens, exotic eye-candy or non-entities, while their behaviour is measured on standards that are very different from their white counterparts (this happens in other books as well).

...okay I wasn't expecting for the tldr to be long too 😅

• Me @ my QTs then:

Me @ my QTs now:

• I'll probably be finishing off my TRR Book 1 QT series when I'm a little less burnt out, but for now this is where it ends, I guess.

• So...here is to summarize the last two chapters: Accident happens. LIs mad. Paparazzi sad (but largely get away scot-free). MC and baby safe. At the Council meeting Kiara slam dunks the murderer of Liam's mother with the style and elegance this fandom still refuses to acknowledge her for. The MC is nice to her for like half a second. Last Apple Ball. New clothes for everyone as if they had a Diwali bumper sale the week before or something. Godfrey is somehow responsible for the security (who thought this was a good idea) and seeing the Auvernese Royal Guard outside our doors is SO not-creepy.

We get to see if we impressed our Auvernese and Monterriso allies enough. Bradshaw compliments Kiara for like half a second. Olivia sees the dude from the Q&A session (Jin) at the Ball and (if you pay) you get to see her catch, interrogate and lowkey flirt with him.

Leona and Bianca make it to the ball (where is Bartie Sr. Where are Xinghai and Lorelei. Where is Regina) and this time the narrative makes sure to shoehorn a plot element into their presence here: Leona is there so we can do something about the reveal that she constantly ratted us out to the press for money. ("oh look! Walker Ranch was plot related after all! We have a reason (albeit a flimsy, paper-thin one) to set 9 whole chapters in Texas. Even though we had to literally come up with this bit in the last minute, because really - all we wanted to do as a writing team was nut collectively over Drake Walker")

(I also can't believe that between the time I wrote this line and the time this QT finally came out - they literally found a way to re-fucking-write Book 1 so they could nut collectively over Drake Walker earlier)

• Why were we required to dress down in Texas for these assholes when they couldn't even bother to dig up their Sunday best for this ball??? Oh right, they're Walkers. Hypocrisy runs in the family.

• Good thing is you can choose to banish Leona if you want. She's angry about it for a second then accepts it and leaves. But like what is the point of banishing her when she hardly even bothers to come there in the first place? She's not going to be bawling her eyeballs out saying "boohoo, they threw me out of this country that I spent like five minutes in and never even wanted to visit in the first place".

• Bianca is present at the end of Chapter 18 mainly to deliver to us a plot point at the very last minute: a clue about where we could find proof about Queen Eleanor's murder. Bianca mentions conversations Jackson had with her, and a secret room somewhere. Her leaving the palace and abandoning her children is addressed, and the MC gets to berate her. It's...short.

• Why this important piece of information was given to Bianca when idk LEO could have pitched in and spoken about it, no one knows. Oh wait. I keep forgetting. Bianca is Drake's mother. That's why.

• Okay so Amalas valiantly found out about Leona's involvement in this and gave us tangible proof via photographs. But we're kiiiinda forgetting that the scrutiny and privacy invasions were happening even before we hauled ass to Walker Ranch? Who was responsible for those? Who was the "source" that the Chapter 17 paparazzo was referring to, the one that mentioned they would triple the price for more photos of the Queen/Mother of the Heir (Coz like why would she do that. She's already broke)? How did Amalas come by this information so easily and why was she really that invested? Why is no one asking these questions? Why isn't the group asking these questions? Why are they stupid. Jesus, they're all so stupid. HOW ARE YOU SO STUPID, SQUAD.

• Shortly after they get rid of Leona and Bianca, the rest of the group give the happy couple a choice of toys for the nursery - and that's our final nursery purchase. You can either go for the corgi - which is on brand for the series by now I think - or the lion, which is seen as very Cordonian.

• More party shenanigans. We're nice to Kiara for another half-second. Kiara arranges a photoshoot for us. The team can't pretend to give a fuck anymore about its fans so they will ask us to pay for an edit that I've seen millions of edit-creators in the fandom do wayyyy better. Like let's be honest - compare the engagement shoot pics (messy as they were) to the shoots we eventually got this book. You can see the difference. You can tell which one required more work.

• Anyway, if you choose this scene you wind up going back to the ballroom, dance with your spouse, aaaaand it's time for another diamond option. This time your spouse gives you something you've been craving (mousse parfait for the Liam MC, chocolate chip cookies for the Hana MC, handmade chocolates for the Maxwell MC and a choice between bacon and a veg version of it for the Drake MC. Damn, team TRR. Your favouritism is showing). The couple also writes a letter to the baby that the child can read growing up, in a bit of a parallel to Eleanor's letter to Liam that we see at the end of the chapter.

• After this, Liam reveals he has been pondering over what Bianca said, and wants to find out where they could find that secret room. Cue Liam's own flashback scene for free. Godfrey bringing to Queen the same goblet that the RoE MC found in a flea market in Book 2 for Regina (or perhaps just a similarish one). Liam and Eleanor reciting a rhyme that turns out to have clues for the secret room.

• To give the team credit, they seem to have (finally) put some thought into this. Like this actually feels like Liam's scene. Not one that delivers information about his family but is really about another character. They seem to incorporate all the things Eleanor seemed to be known for - things that were hardly addressed in the books when it came to talk of her. She is shown with a love for books given that books and poetry form an important part of the clues she leaves for Liam. One of the books is about foraging, which is unsurprising considering her love for gardens that was established in Book 1 of TRR.

• So...like...nice job but why was practically everything about Eleanor (including the way she'd stand up to Constantine, her displeasure at the sound of Godfrey and Bartie's names, her nature that Liam not only inherited but also learned) left only for your finale? Why no buildup? Why was I seeing you lot constantly pandering to Drake's family the entire time? Why do I know way, way more about Jackson than I do about Eleanor whose story this WAS? Why is she and her son suddenly getting this burst of attention at the tail end??

• They still manage to push young!Drake into a scene focusing on Liam and Eleanor, so we can see how Eleanor's teaching of how to be a responsible royal began to make inroads into Liam's way of thinking. It's the ultimate irony, that Liam took his mother's advice so much to heart that he lets Drake stay in his home, eat his food, and complain about those dastardly nobles to his heart's content for free.

Poor Eleanor in her grave is like

• Very fitting, how Constantine's proposal to Eleanor happens in the hedge maze, very much like Liam's first declaration of love in Book 1.

• If you're married to Liam, you get an extra letter that's addressed to Liam's future wife. She clearly knew her days were to be numbered by the time she gave birth to that second child at least.

• Lmao @ how the team somehow managed to remember that Eleanor would have been Leo's stepmother too. He's mentioned a couple of times. They didn't have enough time to develop a sprite for young!Leo but somehow had all the time and resources to make one for young!Savannah who had literally no purpose in Drake's flashback scene? Hmm. Hmm.

• They somehow manage to find the twin to the RoE MC's gifted goblet that Godfrey gave Eleanor the night she died, and Liam reveals that he's been obsessed with poisons enough to know that it wasn't the drink that was poisoned, it was the cup itself. Everyone is shook.

• Love that extra little detail about Liam's obsession with learning about poisons and how it's a sign of how deeply Eleanor's death affected him. But tell me honestly if you remember this plot point coming up even once before in any significant way. Even during the one time a person is poisoned in the previous book (by the laws of karma, the victim in this instance is Godfrey's only daughter) Liam shows very few signs of this "obsession". At a time when he has also lost a father. Convenient how something that could have added more depth to Liam is kept aside until there's a scene where his knowledge is required. Convenient indeed.

• I kind of understand why Liam acts on impulse, okay. The man just discovered who murdered his mum, at least some amount of irrationality is allowed (esp considering he hardly got to express ANYTHING when his goddamn father died). But you'd think Liam's friends would hold him back and help him think this through? Convince him that there are more effective ways to confront and get a confession out of Godfrey who after is in charge of security at the moment? You seriously think charging into the ballroom and suddenly stripping this man of his titles is going to actually work??? You couldn't figure out how to make him vulnerable instead so that he wouldn't be able to escape???

• I mean like, sure, one could always rationalize it all as "well see Lizzy, they needed a dramatic end to this story and they needed to wrap this mystery up quick". But there were other ways they could have spread it out than make it all sound so...so random. And you bet we all know why the narrative had to scramble around last minute to solve this. It's because we spend half the damn book in a dilapidated ranch with a shit family!

• Anyway, Godfrey escapes...and the MC tells her spouse that she's going into labour after...two contractions? Um. Okay.

• So. That ends Book 1 of this new series. And with it my QTs, for this series at least. My QTs for Book 1 (the OG, not the rewrite) might continue, but I'd need to repeat my failplay again because I lost most of those screenshots 😭

General Thoughts on the Book:

• So far, this is what I can see as happening in the next book:

- The birth, obviously

- Any extra perks from our purchases (ie. the nursery and the garden)

- Subplots involving the LIs' conflicts regarding parenthood and their own childhoods

- The mystery behind Eleanor's death isn't quite over yet, nor is the truth behind the constant paparazzi presence in TRH. Leona was the scapegoat this time around, but how did Amalas get all this information so quickly?

- Where is Eleanor's other child? Olivia's investigations may or may not lead to that answer. I'm pretty sure Jin might be involved as well.

- Another possibility is that Madeleine may give us important information since she was potentially aware that Eleanor was pregnant at the time.

- The mystery behind Jackson's death and what he knew regarding Eleanor's condition.

- What part did Bartie Sr have to play in all this? How involved was Constantine in the murder (if in fact he was)? What more dark secrets will we learn about Constantine, Godfrey and Bartie Sr during this time? What ultimately caused the breakdown in Constantine and Jackson's relationship, since Drake mentions Jackson being around when Regina was Queen as well?

- Speaking of Regina, how involved was she in any of this? We know she was Godfrey's cousin-in-law and Bartie Sr made a comment on her during the announcement about the heir, and that she married Constantine a couple years after Eleanor's death, but was she aware of any of this or was she largely out of the major plot and brought in later to cement Godfrey's position and power?

- I'd mention the possibility that Lorelai could know something, but they didn't really give anyone connected to Hana any time at all, so I have my doubts.

- Operation Swan, and possibly a visit to Monterisso. Liam's younger sibling must be in one of these places but my guess is on Monterisso.

- I'm guessing the team will write a nice wedding for Penelope and Ezekiel next book, while Kiara continues to get scraps from the same team.

- Drake and Olivia will continue to eat into the plot. Madeleine will join this unholy trinity as well because they've set the stage for her to have plenty of angst.

With that over, these were my thoughts once this book was finished:

WHERE ARE THE DUCHESSES?

Remember how, back in Book 3, we all marvelled at the number of women in this country who were in positions of power? Adeleide and Emmeline were powerful duchesses while their husbands were secondary figures, and Joelle though married into a noble family is an influential artist and - according to Liam - the embodiment of King Fabian's values. It seemed like, despite the underlying sexism and racism in the story, women were at least at the forefront of Cordonian politics.

This is virtually gone in TRH1. Godfrey (who wasn't even interested in Krona in the first place, much less Cordonia) and Landon (whose only concern seemed to be Penelope, leaving Emmeline to manage the duchy) have a seat in the Council. In fact we never even see either of these woman in the book. I can maybe understand the logic behind not appointing Adeleide, but the fact that Emmeline is passed over for her far-less -qualified husband is a mystery to me!

Also, has anyone noticed how white-male-centered the whole Eleanor story is? Notice how we never see Eleanor's friends, besides Jackson? We never see any of the courtly ladies of that era? She's the Queen. She'd have her own court. I find it impossible that Eleanor would have no interactions of importance among her own goddamned court, that Joelle, Emmeline or Adeleide wouldn't even be mentioned in her story thus far. It's fascinating that forget being part of her story - these women are largely forgotten in the book itself.

(Note: It's also important to add that none of Kiara's family - besides Zeke - makes an appearance this book. At all. One member of Penelope's family and one member of Madeleine's family is in the council, but we never really see or hear anything from Kiara's, even though Hakim was Constantine's old friend and Joelle could have easily been connected to Eleanor, given that Eleanor was exactly the kind of ruler Joelle would have loved and respected.

While we're on that subject, Lorelai could have been connected to Eleanor as well - considering that we know next to nothing about her years in Shanghai. There were ways Hana's story could have been tied into the overall plot as well that were largely ignored. The fact that both the main and secondary WOCs presented opportunities for better plot and story, and despite that they were largely ignored in the books...I think that says a lot. But I will get into more of that in detail in a different section).

LI SPACE AND STORY

• Now...as we all know, The TRR/TRH series is primarily a romance-focused book first, with an underlying plot about royalty and politics. So it makes sense to evaluate the book based on what it gives its love interests. That includes the number of scenes they get, and the kind of focus their story is given. So...here's the rundown of how that goes in TRH Book 1:

Liam: Overall, not too bad. He gets one individual scene, a free and paywalled childhood scene (though the free one is essential for the group's realization of who killed Eleanor). The letter his mother writes to Liam includes an extra section towards the end, meant for the MC who marries him. However, we must note that a lot of this "attention" was thrust into the very final chapter of this book, and 99% of the same book didn't exactly make an attempt to explore his inner thoughts on anything - his mother's death, the dealings with the foreign countries, his political activities. Eleanor being pregnant came from a scene that made Olivia the center of attention, the MC had the opportunity to ask him how he was feeling only once or twice, and most of the time the narrative relegated it all to "the matter is still being investigated". It's a slight improvement from the absolute lack of concern the MC and the narrative showed about Liam's emotional state post his father's death in Book 3, but not much.

Variations wise, the team did step up on the basic ones for most of the LIs, so clearly we've moved past the days of seeing cut-paste scenes and the likes of Liam and Hana saying "I'm so dumb in love with you". However, in playthroughs where the MC is Liam's wife and Queen of Cordonia, her lack of genuine concern for her country and lack of curiosity about the place she's ruling, sticks out like a sore thumb. The fandom loves to highlight how the plot is "written for Liam" or is "easier in Liam's playthrough", but besides his own child being the heir, nothing else from Book 3 onwards seems like it was particularly written with him in mind.

Drake: Hoo boy. So 2019 was clearly the year that many people didn't believe me about Drake eating up space, and the year they had to eat their words because in TRH it was too obvious to be ignored. On an overall scale you cannot avoid the extra perks even his LI scenes got - his Valtoria scene in Chapter 4 was longer, set in a different place and he was allowed to expand on his decision to say yes to Liam's request in a way Hana and Maxwell never were. We learned way more about his familial relationships and dynamics than all the LIs combined. His childhood scene was the first to be given variants depending on whether the MC was his wife or not. His sister's wedding takes up almost half the book, leaving little to no space for either the intrigue, or even the pregnancy that was supposed to be THE most important part of the book.

An insane amount of retconning was done to emphasize strongly on the "marshmallow" part of his personality, having him state time and again that for the MC he can even "sport a tutu if you said you had a thing for the Sugar Fairy". Part of these changes could be attributed to the backlash the team got for having him call a pink cake "girly".

There is a strong possibility that Jackson might be explored further in the second book, and it's no surprise considering that he's the one parent that is most talked about in the series. The book looks like it was truly written with Drake in mind, with a heavy dose of Olivia, and everyone else was added as a bit of an afterthought.

Maxwell: Pretty awful treatment for a character that the head writer of the team claims to like. He has no individual character scenes, and one childhood scene where his older brother Bertrand is given more focus. Ironically, Maxwell was more wary of Bartie Sr in TRR Book 2 than Bertrand was, but somehow they changed this little detail so that Maxwell could be written out of his own story.

His LI scenes were also not given much effort - some were badly written, and some scenes (like the free ones) showed little to no variations between the friendly and romantic playthroughs. One that comes to mind is the baby announcement photoshoot, which was so poorly done it added nothing of value to the character or the relationship.

Like the last book, Maxwell isn't allowed much development in TRH1, and he's still forced into a largely "court jester" role in the story. This reflects very poorly on him in certain situations, such as the chapter where we finally get glimpses of his book. The aim was to be humourous and light about the events of the series, but he comes out of it sounding thoroughly insensitive towards his friends, none of whose consent he took to write this self-centered pile of garbage.

However, there is hope that they might do things a bit better for him next book, if the rewrite of him in TRR 2.0 was anything to go by. However, it would be awful if they tried to do a better job of him and then left out Hana. Speaking of which...

Hana: I'm going to begin this section with a comparison to another character, someone who should have been treated as a secondary character - Olivia.

Olivia in this book has 2 character scenes (they're very plot driven, but they also explore her outside of her friendship with the MC and dynamic with the group). The spy scene with Auvernese royalty, and the scene with Jin, the Auvernese spy. An entire chapter is spent in her duchy (by now we've seen Lythikos four times and I'm now sick of the place), and she winds up taking over Maxwell's Q&A scene as well.

So that's technically 2.5 scenes AND a childhood scene that revolves around her even though it's about Liam's mother. In addition to this, Olivia also gets her own mini-book, The Royal Holiday, that revolves (again) around her duchy and has the group clamouring to give her attention when no one else wants to.

Here are the stats for Hana, who by virtue of being an LI, is also a potential co-protagonist in the series:

Nothing.

Zilch. Zip. Zero. Nada. Nothing.

She has one childhood scene that is part of the group's scenes - a beautiful, heartbreaking one that serves as a slap in the face to anyone who'd dared to be dismissive of what she went through earlier - but none after that, and no individual scenes either. The team - in one of their most offensive choices this book - force a storyline where she has fertility issues just so the MC can be the one carrying the child, and the same MC can opt(!!) to ask about her well-being after two days. The same MC has the chance to whine about not getting pregnant soon enough in front of Hana.

There have been a few efforts made to make the MC appear more caring towards Hana: she can angrily defend Hana against Isabella's jibes, and she can make Hana relax for once during the baby shower (unlike the wedding reception where the same MC treated her like a bridesmaid). The MC even gets to tell her wife that she should never consider herself secondary or unimportant.

All of these are nice, but at the end of the day they're all scraps. I'd equate it to how we're allowed to give Kiara compliments on the final two chapters, but the white women around her still get a far bigger chunk of space, story and attention dedicated to them. The team have a pattern of adding these tiny tidbits that will temporarily satisfy stans while still maintaining the status quo, and that's precisely what's happening here. Its important for us to understand this. Underneath all this surface concern and all these scraps, Hana is still getting dust in place of actual story and characterization. And given that they made ZERO major changes to Hana's scenes in TRR 2.0, I'm not expecting that to change.

As for the book in general...I don't have to go into why this book is a mess, do I? We all know. We've all witnessed how disproportionate the writing has been and while I'm glad more and more people recognize what I've been seeing since Book 3, it's sad that it took 9 whole chapters in Walker Ranch for so many to understand exactly how much space Drake has been eating up for no good reason.

BLACK HOLES AND WHITE TEARS

I'll begin this section by talking about Drake Walker. He's the most prominent sign of the larger problem.

Drake Walker is what I call a Black Hole LI. And yes I mean black hole as in the one that exists in space (Beckett from TE also fits into this category). He is the kind of LI that sucks up everything. Love. Light. Joy. Common sense. Other characters' spaces.

He is the kind of love interest that will have Liam's traumatic experience centered around him. The kind of love interest for whose problems - largely created by his mammoth ego - we have to resolve in Shanghai, the home of the lone female LI. While that same female LI gets nothing, and then disappears in a subsequent chapter. The kind of love interest whose love confession can take precedence even over the MC's own issues (remember the Beaumont House chapter in Book 1? The one that took place the day after Tariq nonconsensually kissed the MC? 98% of the dialogue revolved around Drake's feelings. Not about the faulty lock, not the possibility that the MC's security had been tampered with - Drake's feelings). The kind of love interest that was given an entire extra wedding and artwork for his mother in Book 3 itself - none of which were given to any other LI.

A Black Hole LI is totally the kind of LI that would get 9 whole chapters in their home while we have never even visited the homes of the others since the early books of the previous series.

This wasn't something that began just this book. It's been a constant since Book 2, and you can even see signs of his story gaining way more importance in Book 1. It's also not something we can - in all honesty - blame simply on finances and fan popularity: the writers confirmed Drake to be one of their favourites, and attempts to give his scenes additional perks (eg plot elements pushed into both the Whiskey scene and the Beaumont Office scene) happened long before they could make any conclusions about his popularity. I bought the Beaumont Office scene to find out more about that family. I bought the Marshmallow scene so I could find out more about Liam and Hana's conversation post Coronation (remember - Hana was never even allowed to speak about her return to Cordonia because that scene was given to Drake). I bought the Italian Restaurant scene to learn more about Liam's assassination. The funny thing about all these three is that these were their stories to tell, yet Drake is the focus. Quite a few of Drake's initial scenes sold because the team consistently made the effort, consistently ensured that the information from his scenes would benefit us in the long run. The narrative allowed for Drake to have his own story, and additionally let aspects of his story overshadow that of the other LIs' (see the examples I've given above). Even though he has very little of value to contribute to the larger story (no job, his friendships are shallower than a wash-basin, and no genuine communication with any commoner in the story - only endless whining).

The treatment Drake gets that no other LI does, is a problem in itself, but it also is a small part of an even bigger issue. He isn't the only white character who gets this sort of attention and detail to his story.

Take Olivia, for example. Started out as a rival to the MC, before her sad sad childhood and her genuine love for Liam was revealed in the Book 1 finale. Over the course of the story, her role changed from petty rival to Warrior Duchess to reluctant bff. Over the course of the original series, Olivia became one of the most prominent characters in the story, on par with the male LIs. I'm not sure how many people realize that Lythikos is the ONLY duchy in the kingdom we've seen thrice (four times if you count Holiday). To give you an idea of how big a deal that is, here's how many times we've visited other duchies besides the capital and Applewood:

Fydelia - 2

Portavira - 1

Castelserraillian - 1

Ramsford (the home of our sponsors!) - 1

Hana's mother's home - Never.

Lythikos has a detailed familial and cultural history, and I wouldn't be lying if I said we know more about this one region than we know about the entire country of Cordonia. And honestly for me, the obsession with this one duchy has reached saturation point. Lythikos is not Cordonia. Lythikos is not all there is to Cordonia or even the only place that should matter. Yet it seems the team is more than eager to flog that horse until there's nothing of interest left.

Olivia is the only character who gets an entire mini book that revolves around comforting her and making her feel better about her background and origins. I don't think we've ever given Hana this much attention when she left her home for us. Or when she was being bullied by Madeleine. Or when she was the other bride in that grand wedding. Or when we received the news that carrying a child to term would be dangerous for her body. Or --

We were given an entire mini-book to comfort Olivia - the woman who continued to call Hana "damaged goods" and " a failure" for not marrying a man, while Hana's friend/wife stood by and watched. The woman who didn't have to think twice before making snide remarks about an equally skilled courtier who never did her any harm, only because she could get away with it. Istg when I heard that most of the court snubbed her during that first event in Holiday, this was my reaction:

Like girl I feel bad for you but at least now you know how it feels to be held responsible for shit beyond your control!

Hana, in the meantime, is forced time and again into situations that would break most people - but with very little payoff. Her arc with her parents was given a resolution that confirmed that Hana could only be considered worthy if she was useful. She was made to interact time and again with the woman who harmed her with such glee in Book 2. The MC - as a friend or as a wife - is at best neglectful of her issues and at worst someone who uses and discards Hana as she sees fit. And now...in her romantic playthrough she's given a storyline that doesn't allow her to bear children easily, and the MC spends less than two minutes to actually check on her. Hana is one of the co-protagonists, yet a side character given the treatment she should be getting. One could technically blame finances for the way she's being treated too, but keep in mind that the bad treatment goes as far back as the Applewood chapters in Book 1. Technically a time when she was bringing in money.

I get it. Olivia is a fan favourite. Many in the fandom wanted her to be an LI, the writers didn't, so they carved out this middle path where she'd have a major portion of the story anyway. But keep in mind that a lot of this attention came - and is still coming - at the cost of Hana. The team pretty much gave Olivia what they'd been refusing to give Hana all along.

On a smaller scale, you see similar patterns with the secondary characters - especially the women of the court. Madeleine and Penelope had elaborate backstories designed to make people forgive and sympathize with them, and Kiara - even though her backstory in Book 1 was inherently tragic and deserved to be handled sensitively - was given validation with great reluctance from the team, and with no consequences if we treated her cruelly. Even now, the team has only tossed Kiara a couple of scraps in the final chapter, while already setting the stage for Madeleine to get her own tragic "patriotism" arc for TRH Book 2, and a possible wedding for Penelope in the near future.

The difference here doesn't just lie in who gets attention and who doesn't. It lies in how the MC is supposed to view these women as well. A lot more sympathy and understanding is automatically extended to the white women, and the MC faces consequences if she fails to acknowledge their pain. Far less sympathy is offered by default to the black and the Asian woman - the MC may be friends with Hana but a huge chunk of their relationship is mostly about the MC benefiting from Hana's skills without giving much in return.

Even though their misdeeds are acknowledged and spoken about, both Madeleine and Penelope are written in such a way that the problems they're currently facing matter more than anything they've ever done in the past. Hana is made to sweet-talk Madeleine despite being bullied by her in a previous book. The MC herself never gets ANY opportunity to directly address what Penelope put her through in Portavira, because what the MC went through matters less than Penelope's condition.

Compare this to the relatively small scale of Kiara's "misdeed" (being honest about not continuing with an alliance - I'm surprised people think this is an actual thing to be offended about!), and the way the MC is allowed to mistreat her sans consequences afterwards. We're even allowed to call Kiara a snob in the books - which isn't at all true if you look at any of her scenes in canon - and constantly make fun of her desire to learn (in fact, if anyone in the series could be called a snob, it would be Olivia). If I were to sum up how a woman of colour is spoken about in the books, vs a white woman - this screenshot would do the trick:

(Notice how none of the options to speak about Penelope allow us to speak rudely of her, yet in Kiara's case we're allowed to make judgements on her as a person. In Hana's case, while we don't exactly drag her the way we can drag Kiara - we get precious few opportunities to actually defend or support her when others talk rubbish about her).

When you explore the series overall, it's impossible to ignore the casual racism that makes disrespecting people of a certain race/colour easier than on another. It's impossible not to see where the narrative chooses to give consequences to an MC who treats a white woman badly, and where it allows the very same MC to suspect, and then (optionally) gaslight, a woman of colour a couple chapters later. It's impossible not to see which people are meant to be respected despite their bad behaviour, and which people can still be treated badly despite their better behaviour. It's impossible not to see a pattern emerging.

This is not even a problem that plagues only the TRR series. From TCaTF to ACOR to Platinum to even MoTY, there is an ongoing pattern of discrepancies between the way white people and people of colour - particularly women - are treated. Many POC characters are placed in situations where it's easier for them to suffer/die/be shown disrespect, than it is to show them kindness or mercy. MOC are regularly either exoticized (Prince Hamid is the most glaring example of this) or placed in very traumatic situations for which the payoff isn't always going to be that great (I know this happens to Dallas, but I don't know about the payoff for Syphax).

WOC particularly suffer quite a bit in a lot of PB novels, in comparison to their white counterparts. Rowan Thorne of TCaTF, as a character, didn't deserve for her death to be made easier than her survival (in contrast to Diavolos, who was given far more opportunities AND will live simply by virtue of allying with Kenna), any more than Kiara deserved to be interrogated by the people who should have been concerned for her safety or Xanthe deserved to be shipped to slavery. All this, while a Vanessa (who is in a position of power and who plays an active role in rendering the MOTY MC financially helpless) gets a diamond scene where she "explains" her situation and a Madeleine doesn't even have to hear about her bullying from her victims.

The fandom, too, has contributed to this on a number of occasions. Speaking specifically of TRR, how many times have we seen Hana being dragged on Olivia posts? (also, if we were really measuring Olivia by the impossible standards that we held for Hana's characterization, Olivia would appear pretty damn one-note too: after all, 80% of her characterization consists of knife jokes). How many times was Hana being looked at with disdain for either her niceness or the poor writing for her, while the same fandom would regularly coo over a nice-presenting Penelope (whose characterization is one of the most inconsistent in the series)? How many times have we seen Kiara being called a creep/obsessed for merely looking at a man, while almost no one judges Olivia for kissing a man without his consent? How many times have people forgiven a traitorous Penelope and hated on a far more innocent Kiara in the same breath? How often did the fandom hate on Liam for accepting the MC's advances after she rejected him, yet not say a word when Drake did the same thing? How many times has Maxwell been loved for his humour and childlike nature while people of colour with a similar personality (Lily from Bloodbound, for example) were hated on instantly? Clearly, there have been more instances of people in the fandom sympathizing automatically with the white character, than with characters of colour. Time and again, brown and black characters - particularly women - have been required to match up to impossible standards (if they're nice they're boring. If they don't like the MC they're <insert every gendered sexist insult you can think of here>). The standards are far more relaxed for white characters, and they're often given more breathing room and to most of what they want without the constant judgement that black and brown women get. The standards set up for both are grossly different.

Racism is a beast that assumes many forms - and not all forms of racism will appear obvious to some, especially when such stereotypes are so normalized in media and popular fiction that we almost accept it at first. Almost. To get to the root of why there's such an imbalance in this series - among others - we need to first acknowledge the sexism and racism that are such a vital part of its narrative, and that its fandom regularly buys into and (sometimes unwittingly) promotes.

At this point, it's important to understand that having queer characters or characters of colour simply exist in the books isn't enough. Token rep can be found in PB's books by the dozens, but at the end of the day it means nothing if there is a constant reluctance, over and over and over, to treat those characters with the same care and sensitivity that they treat their white ones (or their "exoticized brown" ones).

• Like I mentioned earlier, I won't be playing TRH from this point forward, but I do hope to finish my TRR QTs soon. I have a LOT of thoughts! If you'd like to be tagged on those, do tell me!

#long post #tw: racism from pb #tw: fandom racism #trh quick thoughts #trh qts #king liam #hana lee #maxwell beaumont #anti drake walker #anti olivia nevrakis #anti trr madeleine #anti trr penelope #trr kiara

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suhperfect · 5 years

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my nct ot21 profiles spread

this took wayyyy too long to finish

i literally spent more than 6 hours??? i really don’t know how and why i took that long but i’m really proud with how it turned out even though some bits were a lil’ messy

and don’t you just hate yourself when you make so many mistakes that you have to use a lot of correction tape? :-)

i’m not the most proud with the way i wrote the chinese members’ names... i’m chinese, and i feel like a disgrace >< but it’s been awhile since i’ve used a pen and wrote in chinese oops

*sorry if there’s any mistakes!!*

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contrabandhothead · 4 years

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Hello! I wonder if I can get a BoB ship? I'm 6'2 tall, with long, thick blonde hair and big blue eyes and strong arms. I'm a quiet person with a serious expression on my face, but also I'm a very stubborn, protective and friendly but I get pretty quickly angry and sometimes I'm too much teasing person. I like astronomy, history and discuss some interesting topics. I like to enjoying nights with good alcohol and friends. I never stop fighting and believing. I'm a loyal and strategical person.

- LEWIS NIXON -

- [ general ]

you made this one make TOO MUCH sense (and no, it’s not just because of your pfp)

Lewis and you appear to be quite the polar opposite couple when people first meet you, and that is such an incorrect assumption

you two said power couple and bitch i’m HERE FOR IT

Lewis has a knack for going after the quiet ones, so that’s why he took such an interest in you

he likes to see that smile reserved just for him break out over your normally stoic face, it boosts his ego like crazyyyy

Lew is just as stubborn, but he’s more likely to crack first after an argument

he claims he only apologizes because “the bed got cold”, but we all know it’s because he’s a wreck without you

he LOVES how protective you are, it makes him feel special and he probably goes out of his way to make you jealous sometimes-

it’s so easy for you guys to just let the hours pass by, especially when you’re talking

Lew could talk to you for hours on end and never get bored, there’s always a new topic

i don’t think you can be too teasing for Lew (maybe if you touch on his daddy issues) so i don’t think he’d really mind your teasing

in fact, he does it back, to the point where you both get into teasing wars

it’s quite entertaining, especially to Richard when he hangs out with you both

Lew is also a massive history geek, so he will talk with you for hours on end about anything from the Roman Empire to WWI

he thinks astronomy is interesting, but he doesn’t know nearly as much about it, so he likes it when you teach him

as we all know, Nix is always down for a good drink, but he’s no longer an alcoholic thanks to you and Winters

he only occasionally drinks with you, but most of the time he just lets you get drunk and then drives you home

Nix’s alcoholism was quite the issue in your relationship, especially since Nix didn’t want to give it up

you actually broke up for a short time period until he got it together, which thank god he did

- [ how you two got together ]

you were an officer, and a model one to be exact

you led another company, which constantly worked with Easy, so it was fair to say that you and Winters were quite close

you were also close with Lewis Nixon, although it definitely took him a while to get on your good side

it just seemed as though he was everything that could slightly irritate you, and he knew it

he spent most of his time trying to piss you off, especially when he drank heavily in your office

he would also constantly put his dirty shoes on your desk, which you learned to ignore

he pissed you off, but somehow you felt yourself becoming closer to him than ever before

there was something alluring about him, perhaps in the way that he spoke or the way that he smiled

you couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but you had begun to develop a small crush on the man

however, there were two factors that stood in the way of you asking him out

1. he was a fellow officer and 2. he was an alcoholic

you loved and cared for him, you really did, but you just couldn’t be with an alcoholic

you already know that his ex wife left him because of it, and you couldn’t bring yourself to go through what she had

so you left it alone

you slowly began to distance yourself from him, and Nix hated it

he tried to corner you everywhere, but you managed to narrowly escape his grasp every time

he was getting desperate

you looked up as your office door suddenly swung open, smacking into the wall

it revealed a disheveled looking Lewis with messy hair, a loose tie, and a crazed look in his eye

“Lewis? what’s wrong?”

you could tell he was drunk from the way he slurred his next sentence

“please stop avoiding me, i can’t take it anymore. what did i do wrong, i promise i’ll fix it! did i tell you i loved you when i was drunk last week? what did i do?”

you sighed, getting up from your desk and placing your hand on Lewis’s shoulder

“Lew, ask me out next time when you’re sober”

uhhhh i didn’t mean it to make it that angsty but fuck it we are here now- anyways, i hope you enjoyed this (i had wayyyy too much fun writing it). have a great week!!!! 💖

#lewis nixon #lewis nixon headcanons #band of brothers ships

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punkpoemprose · 5 years

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Protected- A Kristanna Demigod AU

@thesvenqueen sent: Demigod AU

Oh shit Jess. You had to pick this one didn’t you? You had to pick this one that made me lose my goddamn mind. Holy shit. This gave me about a million thoughts and I’m going to explore every single one of them in good time.

This is sort of canon-verse in that it’s Arendelle and the early plot is intact, but there’s some pretty obvious changes past that. Also if you’re looking for frohana this is not the fic of mine you want to read. It’s a little dark, a little sad and I had way wayyyy too much fun with it.

Universe: Demigod AU, Canon-divergent Word Count: 4960 Rating: T (Teen and up audiences)

[Part Two]

***

He wasn’t entirely human. Of that much Anna was certain, but more than that she couldn’t speak to, she just knew that he had something in his eyes that was too knowing, and that he was impossibly strong. He’d saved her once, she recalled, as if it were yesterday, when she was young and wandering the woods.

She’d been so lonely when her parents had closed the gates, when her sister rejected her, and she’d been drawn into the woods on a whim. Or perhaps not a whim at all, but a promise that she couldn’t explain. No one had spoken to her, or lured her in, she’d just had a sense that the mountains held something for her that would make sense of the jumble in her mind and the hurt in her heart, so she’d snuck away and trekked off into the winter’s snow.

Only six at the time she hadn’t seen the wolf until it was upon her. Her screams had died in her throat, and there had been no way out, backed against an icy wall of rock.

He’d been no older than ten, she was certain, and he was as wild as the forests around her. She couldn’t recall it all as clearly as she would have liked. After-all it had been twelve years, but she remembered him saying something she couldn’t understand and then forcibly shoving the wolf back.

His hair had been long then, uncut since his birth, tied up in a leather cord. He was a child of the forest, and as such the wolf, still licking it’s chops, had understood him and left his potential meal. She'd remembered how long it had taken for her to stand on her shaking legs and how he’d taken her hand and walked her home without a word.

A year after to the day she’d seen him on her balcony in the dark of night, watching her curiously from behind the glass. It had been initially terrifying, but once she recognized the wild boy, a year older and a bit taller, she’d let him in. He didn't speak to her the first few years, not saying anything at all until the year she turned ten, but he’d visited her once a year, every year since he saved her life.

Anna sucked in a breath when she opened her balcony door for him. She was eighteen now, and he’d aged as much as she. That was the only way she knew that he was real, the only way she knew that in some sense he needed to be mortal in some sense. Normal human beings didn’t know things they shouldn’t, they didn’t speak the words of man like they were entirely foreign to them, they didn’t appear on balconies once a year on dark nights, and they weren’t so ridiculously strong as to be able to throw off a full grown wolf as a child. At least she thought that they weren’t. Her understanding of people was limited to the castle walls.

She’d hoped that when her sister was crowned Queen this would have changed, but it hadn’t. It had been too much to hope for she thought, to be anything but a Princess trapped in her castle. She’d had the chance to escape, to follow the interest of a man who had had attended her sister’s coronation, but every time he’d tried to get closer, she’d been too distracted to go along with it. She’d spent that night polite and as tactful as a Princess could possibly be, but her mind was elsewhere each time a potential suitor attempted to catch her attention. She couldn’t help but to think about a winter night that always felt far off, where she’d see him.

He looked her over unabashedly and she flushed. His hair was kept shorter now, and his beard well groomed, but not in a manner that could have been considered fashionable in the last hundred or so years. Most men she’d ever seen were clean shaven, he looked like someone out of a historical sketch of times before Arendelle was a kingdom. She couldn’t help but to ask herself, not for the first time, who raised him, who he learned from, where he was when he wasn’t in her bedroom, spending his short few yearly hours with her.

It would have been a lie to say she hadn’t dressed for him. When she was a child she’d wear her best dresses, learning to put them on herself just so that when he came he’d notice that she made an event of it, that she’d been looking forward to it, and while he never said anything about it, she had a feeling he’d understood.

Now, as an adult, finally in her 18th year, she’d changed little. She still dressed for him, but she was not so much “dressed up” as “dressed down”. She’d left her hair mostly loose, plaiting the top into a crown braid to the best of her ability, though it was a bit messy as her fingers had been clumsy with anticipation. She hadn’t put on one of her more lovely gowns, but instead had put on her simplest night dress and tossed a shawl over it. It wasn’t particularly flattering in any sense, but it conveyed a message, a message of vulnerability. One she couldn’t say to him aloud.

“Kristoff,” she said as his eyes made their way up to hers and he shut the balcony door behind him.

“Princess,” he returned. He always sounded odd when he said it, like it was a name he knew she had, but not as if he held any reverence for it like others did. She was a princess, yes, but she held no power over him.

If she thought that she held even some sway over him, she knew that it had nothing to do with the circumstance of her birth, her membership of the aristocracy. No, any power she held over him was what he allowed. She was not his princess. She was his Anna.

“I’ve missed you,” she said softly, as she did every year. There was a dance they always followed. He’d not ask verbally, but the stiffness in his speech and the way he kept his distance initally was his way to question if he was welcome. She, as she always did, ensured that he knew he was by telling him the truth.

He smiled and she was starstruck by it as she always was. He was handsome, not in a way that would stand out in a ballroom, but in the way that a mist covered mountain was. He was shrouded in mystery, but he awed her, always.

“And I you Anna.”

She melted when he said her name, she always did. She turned from him so that he might not notice her flush. Not that he’d ever judged her for it, and no matter how she may try to hide her feelings and her thoughts, he could always read her. She knew it implicitly, there was no reason to hide.

“Would you eat with me?” she asked, gesturing towards a small table in her room. It had two chairs set alongside it, meant to entertain, though she had no one but him to even think of doing so with. When she was a child, they’d have a tea party with the extra sweets she’d sneak in her pockets from the kitchens, tucked away in a kerchief. She hadn’t needed to sneak in years. The whole castle had a sense of her habits, and late-night snacking was one of them, so no one thought of anything when she took a basket from the kitchens with fruit, bread, cheese and wine. No one would ever question her anyhow. She outranked everyone but her sister, and she hadn’t seen her in anything but passing since the coronation.

“I would,” he replied simply, and though she was turned away from him, she could feel his eyes on her back as she walked toward the table. It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation, nor was it entirely foreign. He watched her, and sometimes she thought that maybe he watched her more than she sensed. She only saw him once a year, but she felt his eyes on her much more often. Sometimes in the shifting crowds of the market outside her window she thought that maybe, just maybe, she saw him. She was far too high up and distant for it to be anything but a fleeting thought, but the imagining of him, his nearness, had carried her through a great many years of nervous loneliness. The promise that he would always come back was more than she’d ever had from any other, even if she didn’t entirely know why the promise existed to begin with.

They dined happily in a companionable silence, his winter clothing over the back of his chair and her shawl over the back of hers. He sliced a bit of apple with a bone handled knife and while she’d been trying to learn to read runes well enough to know what the carvings on the hilt said, she was still none the wiser. He let her look at it from across the way, not giving any answers or even the impression he knew that she had questions, but he always knew, and she knew.

“Have you been well?” she asked, because she could never will herself to question anything any more direct. She thought about it this year, she was an adult she could very well ask this strange man she’d known for years whatever she liked, and yet, the fear of asking too much, of him not returning was too strong for her to do so. “It’s a cold winter.”

He nodded, “Not the coldest I can remember, but I’ve been well. As have you?”

He phrased it almost as a question, but they both knew that he knew that she had been at least in a sense of good health. More evidence to Anna’s theory that he saw her more than she saw him.

She didn’t agree or disagree but took a sip of wine. It did little for her courage, but it made her warm, or at least it was what she told herself was making her warm, because to admit it was Kristoff’s gaze shifting to her less than ample décolletage would be too much like admitting she’d worn the gown hoping he’d look.

She flushed and glanced into her wine, wondering what power he held over her that she melted under his every gaze.

“I’m just a man Anna,” he teased, looking a bit like the cat who had eaten the canary, but shifting his gaze to her eyes anyway apologetically.

“No, you’re not,” she said before she could stop herself.

His grin was wicked and mischievous, as if she’d said exactly what he’d wanted her to. He chuckled and his expression softened.

“No, no I’m not,” he agreed, but didn’t elaborate. She’d long since known that he wanted her to ask him questions, that he wanted her to wonder about him. She wondered what he would do if she started to ask questions. He’d never denied her, he’d never left her abandoned, just curious.

“Who are you Kristoff?”

He looked sad then, and Anna’s heart raced, feeling immediately like she’d made a mistake.

“Would you laugh Anna, if I told you I didn’t know?”

She thought about it for a moment, deciding that he wasn’t about to take off on her. “Would you want me to?”

His smile was soft then, and he shook his head, as if to shake off the melancholy.

“Maybe I would. I think I would like to hear you laugh, you haven’t laughed with me in a few years.”

She hadn’t. When they were children, once he’d finally started talking to her instead of just sitting with her and gesturing, he’d made her laugh. They’d laughed together for a good six years, even the year she’d lost her parents. Since she’d turned sixteen though the knowledge that a few hours was never enough for a whole year had kept her from laughing. It had made the whole affair overly serious, or perhaps just serious enough.

“Would you laugh if I told you the same?” she asked, deciding it better to give her fears a voice to the only person she’d ever known to listen.

He was frowning again, but this time she didn’t see it quite so clearly as tears began to cloud her vision. She closed her eyes when she heard his chair shifting back. She wasn’t ready for him to leave yet, but she only felt marginally better when she felt him scooping her out of her own chair.

“I wouldn’t,” he said and she could feel a weight to his voice, an understanding she’d never had with anyone but him, “I would tell you I know who you are Anna Agdardottir.”

She felt his fingers combing through her hair, heard the creak of her bed as he sat upon it, but she refused to open her eyes lest she open them to find him gone, all an act of her imagination. She worried about that sometimes, that she might be going mad, and that he wasn’t real at all. The year before, almost as if he’d sensed this, he’d brought her a sunflower, and she’d pressed the petals in a book as proof for herself. It was then that she was certain he was something more than human. She’d always suspected, but what man alive could procure a fresh sunflower in the middle of winter?

She felt his rough fingers brush away her tears as she tried to calm herself. She didn’t want to spend her time with him crying, but voicing the fact that she knew no better who she was than he knew who he was had brought her to tears. She merely existed most days, lonely, trying her best to keep going. She was no one, no matter what her title implied.

“You’re the life in these halls,” he said, “you’re Princess of a nation of men and you never abuse your power, but act in kindness to everyone you meet. You speak to portraits because you’re lonely, but you know your worth. You danced at your sister’s coronation out of duty, but didn’t run off with someone to escape the solitude. I’ll admit to not knowing why, but it shows your strength.”

“That’s my title,” she said sadly, “those are my actions, but it’s not who I am. I am Anna, but who is Anna?”

He said nothing for a moment, and the silence hung between them as she cried and he held her. She didn't expect any answer at all. If she didn't know who see was, how could he? For all that he was the only person she felt a connection with, he couldn't know her any better than she knew herself, as she couldn't know him any better than he knew himself.

“My beloved.”

Her eyes opened for that, and though they were misty, she could see his shy smile. That at least, was all man. He suprised her once again, as he often did.

“That…” she said a bit nervously, her voice shaking, “if I said the same of you, would that be enough for you to know who you were?”

He shook his head slowly, “No. It’s not for you either, but it’s a start, is it not?”

She smiled at that, “That it is. And to know you’ve been watching… that too is a weight off my shoulders.”

He wiped the last of her tears aside and smiled down at her. She was on his lap, hair strewn about. They’d done the same last year, just for a few moments before he left, but it had meant something then, and it meant more now.

She reached a cautious hand up to his face in return and brushed her fingers across his cheek, just above his beard, he reached up and held it there, making her feel bold.

“Though I should say it’s unfair that you’ve been keeping track of me and I still have so many questions about you.”

He laughed warmly, and it was almost melodic to her ears. She felt warm all over, and a bit hopeful.

“I’ve been waiting for you to ask me questions for years.”

She sat up a bit in his lap, and he shifted his grip to support her back. “I was always afraid if I asked, you would go and not come the next year.”

“The only thing that would keep me from seeing you after so much time is if you asked me not to come Anna.”

She snuggled into his side a bit. “You’ve always been a mystery to me. Where did you come from? Why are you…?”

“Not quite right?” he finished.

“Different,” she corrected with an air of finality.

He closed his eyes and sighed. Even his sighs sounded a bit like a breeze over the Fjord, driving the point home for her.

“I’m not so exciting as you might believe Anna,” he said with a self-deprecating chuckle, “I’m not certain of my parentage, but I know my father was a mortal man, dead before my birth by all accounts, and my mother… something else. There are whispers in the forest of Sif, but I can’t say I’m hers. I’ve never seen her. I’ve never seen a God, but the hidden people, the creatures of the forest that carry magic in their blood call me kin. They raised me but they don’t show themselves to humans normally and they call me a halfling. I’m not that inhuman really, maybe a little stronger, maybe a little more observant. I don’t rule anyone but myself, but the others checked on you for me sometimes, or they’d help me see you when you couldn’t see me. They’re my family, they do for me what family does.”

He shrugged and she smiled, “That sounds exciting to me. You saved my life because you were strong and observant.”

He opened his eyes and looked down at her. There was something meaningful in his eyes, something that looked like a mix of gratitude and tenderness. There was so much expression in his brown eyes, and while they were strangely deep, like they were made of earth themselves, the humanness of his expression was what soothed her. He was a balance of humanity and that which was more.

She left out the melancholy thought that said even if he didn’t know who his parents were he at least had a family. She didn’t want to dwell on the ache that would come anew when he walked off her balcony and left her alone for another year.

“Why don’t you ever stay?”

He frowned, and she half expected him to leave her then and never return despite his promise just moments ago, but instead her reclined, pulling her with him onto the bed.

“I’m not meant to be here Anna. I knew that even as a child, but now,” he huffed and then continued, “being a strange man in the Princess’s bedchamber wouldn’t go over well for me or you, would it?”

She frowned and rested her head on his chest. A sense of rightness flowed through her as she did so, and he pulled her against him snugly. It was more intimate than they had been before, but he’d called her beloved, and she’d all but answered in kind.

“Why don’t you come more often?”

He sighed and she felt his chest move as he did so, interrupting the slow rhythm of his breathing. “Because I was bonded to you on this day,” he said quietly, “I saved your life, and there’s ancient magic tied to that, especially in the wood.”

She closed her eyes and tried to make sense of his words. There was something more he wasn’t saying, she was certain of it. She had to ask again, she imagined, because he only ever answered her when she asked.

“What do you mean? What power?”

He huffed, “A life debt. You owe me a life debt.”

That, she decided, sounded serious. She thought maybe she’d heard of it in a story as a child. Her nanny loved to tell her stories, as had her mother. The church had it’s stories too, but she’d never cared for them as much as she did the ones they told her of the land. Of magic and spirits and Gods of nature. She wished she could recall them all now, knowing that at least some of them must be real, the evidence breathing below her.

“I don’t understand…” she said trailing off, taking the opportunity to sit up and look at him, though she wished she hadn’t when she saw just how sad his expression had become.

He shook his head, “I know. It means two things really. The first being I changed fate when I saved you, which means I need to watch over you because I strayed from the path as it was written and entangled us both. I don’t regret it though, even when I was told what I’d done as a child I never regretted it.”

Anna felt as if she should be shocked by this, but she wasn’t. It was the truth. He wouldn’t lie to her, and somehow, she’d already known that something like that had gone on, after all, why else would he continue to come back year after year?

“The second,” he continued, the sad look on his face becoming more rueful, “being that I can demand things of you. By law… or at least by the laws I was raised under, I own your life.”

That however, was enough to shock her into opening her mouth to speak. She didn’t know what to say however. She could say that someone can’t own another person’s life, that he could demand what he liked of her but that she didn’t have to give it to him, that it was a silly concept to begin with, but she said none of it, because he didn’t lie to her.

He watched her cautiously with those all too knowing eyes of his and then reached up to touch her cheek as she had to him. Like he had she pressed her hand over his to hold it there, against her skin and closed her eyes again. The way he looked at her was too intense sometimes, she couldn’t hold his eye contact without having thoughts she knew she shouldn’t.

“My demand of you Anna,” he said quietly, so low it was barely even a whisper. It sent shivers up her spine, and heat to places she couldn’t speak of.

“My demand of you is a single day each year. To ask more…”

She opened her eyes and found him sitting up again, his face mere inches from hers. She hadn’t noticed him moving, but now she found him there, looking into her eyes and glancing at her lips with the same intensity she’d shied away from a moment before.

What would it feel like to kiss him, she wondered? It wasn’t the first time she’d had the thought, but it was the first time she’d thought it with him there at all, let alone so near. She’d dreamt of him like this, on dark cold nights in the past year. He’d kiss her and more, and she’d plead with him to never stop, but she’d always wake up in an empty bed.

“You don’t have to ask for something I’d give you freely,” she said breathily. He’d come closer, his lips were near enough that if she shifted even an inch they’d meet.

She could feel his breath, though neither of them were hardly breathing at all.

“But I must Anna…” he said lingering on her name, holding it on his tongue like she did with pieces of chocolate, “I have to ask… may I kiss you?”

She tipped her forehead forward, meeting his and taking a moment just to breathe. It was all too much. He was too much. To go from dreaming of him to having him there, solid, breathing in her exhalations, staring at her like she hung the stars. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her up onto him until she was kneeling, facing him on his lap. For a moment everything in her calmed. He was waiting for her response, their foreheads pressed together, his hands on her back, not doing anything but offering her comfort and time.

After a long moment she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and with it her permission. “Please.”

He groaned, and she felt warmth spread over her when his lips met hers. The kiss was soft, but it held the promise of more, and experimentally she asked for it by parting her lips. A hand shifted from her back to her hair, combing through it gently before settling between her shoulders as he deepened the kiss.

His beard wasn’t as rough against her skin as she might have imagined it would be and as he kissed her, she pulled him closer to her. She wanted more of him, she wanted him on top of her, she wanted things with him she had only dreamt of and didn’t have the words for.

“Not today Anna,” he muttered, breaking their kiss for a moment when she decided to act upon her thought to pull him atop her.

She flushed and went to turn her head away, but he was too quick for her, gently moving his hand to the side of her face to keep her looking at him, “Someday, I promise. If you want, but not today.”

And she nodded. It had nothing to do with life debts or demands he could make of her, and it had everything to do with the promise in his tone, the fact that he never lied to her, the fact that his tone held no judgement, just concern and genuine affection.

“I don’t want to wait a year…”

He smiled softly, “So we won’t,” he said, pressing another quick kiss to her lips before pulling away just enough to look at her.

He was giving her the same intense look he had before, but she didn’t look away, she didn’t feel bad for blushing.

“I brought you a gift.”

It wasn’t a sunflower, of that much she was certain when his fingers slipped into the small pouch that was fastened next to his knife sheath, sans knife as it still sat on her table.

When he pulled out a small and very simple brooch she smiled. There was something written on its face in runes and she immediately attempted to read it when it was deposited into her hands.

“Protected?”

He smiled, “I wasn’t sure if you would want it. The hidden folk, in the woods. They don’t like to appear to people, but should you want to leave the castle again, anyone who sees this will know to see you safely to me. I know you’re not meant to leave, and I can’t stay, but I’ll come as often as I can for as long as you want me, and you can come to me when you see fit. Just wear it, please, and be wary of hungry wolves.”

She nodded and leaned back in to kiss him. He returned her kiss, and she could feel his smile as he did so.

“Thank you,” she said, knowing that he would be leaving any moment, and feeling sad for it, but not quite so sad as she had been the year before.

“Thank you for asking me about all the things I hadn’t said,” he replied.

She felt that a little bravery had been worth it. She had answers, some at least, but it mattered little because she knew now that she had him, and he had her.

He stood to redress himself in his winter clothes, walking over to the table to stick his knife back into its place on his belt before picking up his tunic.

“When will you come again?”

He set the tunic down and walked back over to her. He offered her a questioning look and despite not knowing what she was agreeing to, she nodded.

He smiled mischievously and scooped her up into his arms.

She grabbed onto him in shock but giggled immediately after. She’d been enjoying his company so much that the fact that he was more than likely half-God was pushed to the back of her mind until that moment. She decided, already, that she would never tire of him lifting her so easily.

“When would you have me again beloved?”

She pressed a kiss to his nose because she could. There was an ownership in that word that too, had nothing to do with a life debt, and everything to do with the fact that he had loved her since he was nine years old.

“I would have you every night from this day forward, but I also know when I’m asking something I shouldn’t.”

He smiled a bit sadly but acquiesced that it was beyond his power with a nod. “I can promise you I’ll be here once a month. I wish I could promise more, but it’s difficult to come to you without being seen and I have duties.”

She nodded. Twelve times a year was much better than once, and she reasoned that she might be able to find a way to see him as well.

“I’ll miss you,” she said anyway, because she would.

“And I you,” he returned, giving her another soft kiss on the lips before depositing her carefully on her bed and returning to finish his dressing.

Before he left she kissed him again, well and fully before her balcony door. When he finally slipped away from her and out into the cold night again she went to her writing desk, the one place in the entire palace that was private to her, and slipped the brooch into the drawer that held a book between the pages of which were a mess of sunflower petals.

When she returned to her bed she slept more soundly than she had in years because despite being the only one in the room she was not alone, and she knew that she never would be again.

#kristanna #kristanna fanfic #frozen #demigod AU #Edited and added a moodboard that's how you know I love it #There will be sequels #SEVERAL #I think I've got my groove back y'all

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immabakedpotato · 3 years

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Do you ever just...?

Do you ever just sit, watch something funny on youtube or whatever, and miss having friends? Like, friends that are not my husband who is literally tired 24/7 and practically useless. (lol he works alot) He is not the best conversational partner, especially of late. Honestly think I’d have better conversations with him if I were to text him instead of directly trying to talk to him in person. Which is pretty nuts, if you think about it.

But I was just sitting here, watching funny tik tok compilations on youtube, and just like....wow. I remember having friends. It’s been so long since I have truly had any (since like, high school I think) and I understand as for why, but it sucks. I wish I had grown up, went to high school, everything here in Oregon. Then maybe I’d have some childhood friends here that I’d be close to and also able to visit with and have close connections with. But instead, most of those people that are my actual childhood friends with close connections are all in OHIO.

So I feel disconnected and lonely here. But I also only rarely crave other people for friendship. I usually am okay with just Kyle and I, my life is really too complicated and messy to have anybody else to worry about. So I take my socialization mainly from my kids, which I get wayyyy over stimulated with because they scream, are noisy, have no boundaries, and jump on me consistently. So I usually end up hiding in the kitchen at my computer a good amount of the day, because I can only take that type of overstimulation for so long.

Anywho, long story short, I miss my Ohio friends. I miss friends in general. I don’t think I’ve been able to make any true, genuine friends since I’ve moved to Oregon. I don’t know if I am the common denominator here or not, but I probably am. I really do not socialize as much as I could. But then again, I have 3 kids, all 3 require a lot of time and energy from me, leaving me wiped out a majority of the time. So any extra socialization really is just too much.

Maybe once they are all older, I’ll finally get a chance at making some real friends and trying to socialize with different kinds of people. I’d love to meet all kinds of people from all different kinds of backgrounds, to learn deep things about them and just MEET NEW PEOPLE. My life is so stagnant and boring at times, but I have accepted that this is just what it is for now because I have kids who are so young. This shall pass.

I also like to constantly remind myself that I am grateful for all that I have, and know that I am very blessed. To not get too carried away with the fact that the grass “can be greener” on the other side, but it’s a 50/50 chance, and the other side is non-existent for me right now because regardless, I always need to be a mother for my kids. Once I’m in my 30′s I think my life will truly begin to make sense again, because my kids will all be older and I’ll be able to focus a bit more time on my wants and needs.

I get so lost in the fact that I have been a mother since I was 17 years old. It’s what I know, it’s this deep set de-personalization because you literally need to put yourself on the back burner. I have yet been able to fully and confidently say that I know who I am, that I know what I want, etc, since I was a new mom with my first son. I have spent many years trying to reconnect with who I am/was but it’s never anything significant. I just want to be me again.

TTYL

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years

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Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!!

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed.

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :)

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 )

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns!

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts!

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :)

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST!

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!!

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :)

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord. All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3 Tada, guess thats enough for today!

xox

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