#this is the 2nd gay wedding im going to yall

[txna-blxckthorn]

OMG YES I GUILTED YOU INTO INVITING ME LETS GO 💃💃

im gonna be at my grandmas house but i’ll make it i promise 😌😌

whats the aesthetic we’re going for? like flowery or?

[momentofclearity-blog1]

Preface

Let Me Be CLEAR....... The first time I talked to her she told me she thought I set her up. Wouldn't stop shaking my hand & asked if she could touch my hair. She offered to give me her black card when she asked & said that Solange would be disappointed in her. I smiled to keep from blushing cause & then she told me she liked my smile which made it worse. I started falling in love with her. Unintentionally. Which felt like it was the way things were supposed to go. But there was one problem: It was way too soon. So even though I loved her, I never said it. I blame that on my past. I never told her about the paranoia of having her walk out on me the way exes, the way my god mom, the way Reba did. So I never said it. I wanted to, but could literally see her drift away from me the very moment I said it. It didn't help that she would tell me about dreams she had about me. Being in bed with me. Being pregnant with our kids. That shit made it worse. But every time that dangerous word fixed itself upon my lips, I just covered my mouth & laughed to try to not make her think I was hiding anything; the very thing I was doing. And then one day, she said it. And I felt liberated for only a second. The very next second, she hit me 🤣. Not in a way to cause pain, but in an effort to show that she was in awe and had been doing the EXACT same thing that I had been doing. I laughed, talked about it in dramatic fashion which I'm great at, & immediately realized that this was something unlike anything else. My sister, my Best Friend, both strong women. Both huge influences on me. Both gay. So in essence, they are my outlets. Usually for the bad however. Neither one had ever seen me IN LOVE. Both mentioned it before I even had the audacity to say it myself. Both marveled at the opportunity to meet the person that had changed the woman they had known and loved for years. Both told me to hold on to this one because my words, my actions, my thoughts about her showed them that she was going to be the one that would be here for the long run. And I listened to that. Thought about what kids would be like WITH her. She has hers. I have mine. But collectively, what would OURS be like. And she immediately agreed to carry them. Immediately agreed to give in completely to me and over me the opportunity to have a som and daughter of my own. I loved Devaughn. She loved Christian but she hated Aubrey. So the thought of Devaughn & Samara became more and more prevalent. I didn't want another daughter, but thats what she saw so I went with it. I never told her that women frighten me. That the idea of somebody hurting a woman in my life was so terrifying to me that I would risk my life and my sanity in a heartbeat to save hers. I have daughters, she has daughters, & I would have her. 6 women including Samara that would make me show up to every gun show in the city to update my artillery, making sure that there was never an opportunity that someone could hurt them. Whether it be mentally or physically or emotionally, I immediately jumped into this role of protection and would stay in that role for the rest of my life and would risk whatever had to come as a result of me neutralizing any situation that came to them rather than them have to deal with any heartache or turmoil similar to anything I have had to in the past. Honorable Right? WRONG! She didn't want that. She hid things from me and told me that she would continue to because she didn't want to tell me anything that would cause me to be taken away from her. Amazing, yet disturbing. I'd play the criminal justice trained "what if" game for hours at a time thinking of what would happen if I found out something did happen and what my initial response would have to be to make sure that she didn't think I was about to go into the city & kill whoever did it. And something happened. And I was gone. 1,622 miles away to be exact. And I lost it. But I couldn't tell her. So I told the people close to me. The ones who I had done things for in the past that looked at me as family, owed me something, or promised that they would take care of any situation, just name it. So I had a city of goons looking for a person I only knew by name. Nothing else. No location. No clue what they looked like. What they drove. NOTHING! Just "I need yall to find _________." They knew what that meant. No RIP but there wouldn't be a repeat either. I've always been a protector but something was different with her. Something made me be more open with her than I may have been with others or may have understood to be because she seemed to have been ready to give herself to me. Not only in a sexual manner but in a she was ready to meet my family, asked me to tell my daddy about her, told me what type of wedding she would want and what my responsibilities would be to make sure that her second and my first wedding would be our last. Once again, Im in love with this girl. My best friend was my reassurance. And she was happy. She's never happy with my situations because they NEVER end well. But she was happy. And couldn't wait to meet her. And she was thrilled when I told her that she would eventually be my Maid of Honor. "I'd be your Maid of Honor?!?! Wow! Sandy, you're in love with her for real!!" Im 20 years, we never had a conversation like that. But this beautiful woman that I had gained in my life changed something for me. But then I lost her. I let my issues in my past and some issues I never had an opportunity to address get in the way one too many times. Each time, I somehow had an opportunity to get her to let me back in. I have this habit of asking questions. Sometimes its because of things I see. Sometimes I get nervous and paranoid & assume the worst in situations because thats what I know. And now I'm the sickest i've been since I came back from Denver. And as bad as I want to be back at day 1 with her, I dont think I have a chance to get her to let me back in. She doesn't trust me. Honestly, I don't think she ever did. Prior to January 2nd, I never gave her a reason not to trust me. But maybe in the back of her head, she thought she couldn't or shouldn't. Thought that everything I had told her may have actually been game rather than true feelings. But I had hoped the silly shit she saw in her past two relationships she wouldn't assume would show up in me, just like I tried to not think of the silly shit from my past two & assume that she would so those things as well. So when she put me on a "90 day hold" I truthfully never cared. I would have waited longer, cause I fell in love with her well before I even left Harrisburg to go to BWI to fly to DIA. She told me to runaway a long time ago. And I told her I wouldn't. All the while, I think I might have made her do exactly that.... But I somehow got her to let me back in. Got her to tell me she loved me again. Showed her that the mistakes I made were due to me needing help versus me needing to lose her. And rather than talk about it, I made the attempts. But what Black people often fail to realize, is that mental illness is real. It cant be prayed away or rebuked. Anxiety & Depression is real. I felt it as a child. From 9 to probably about 13, and then ever so often between then and almost 30. But those two together are a dangerous combination. The paranoia felt from those two causes me to get confused and ask questions. Often repeats. Often unnecessary. But I ask questions nonetheless. Rather than shut down & not talk about it or ad-lib and put myself in an even worse situation; i ask questions. The questions to me were harmless. She told me to speak up when I had issues and I did... in the form of a repetitive question. I thought I was doing the right thing. She thought I was starting some shit. We were both wrong. But in my fear and paranoia and confusion, I lost her again 😔 For what its worth, I never meant to hurt her. Did I mention I met her in 2014? I said then that eventually I would get her. That once I had a chance to really talk to her, i'd get her attention. Once I got her attention, I just wanted to keep it by any means necessary. And in repetitious fashion, I fell in love with her & started working to figure out how to spend the rest of my life with her. But I lost her, so now I'm trying to figure out how to live without her. She agreed to watch my favorite show, How To Get Away With Murder. She saw my favorite couple, Wes & Laurel. He more I watched, the more I realized how much we had in common with them. The good & the bad. But the good outweighed the bad so it didn't matter. All I knew was I wanted to be Wes & wanted her to be Laurel... but we see how that turned out 😔😔😔😔