#this is the first fic ive ever posted!! so I'm super nervous lmao

[aevapollo]

As I Am

My entry for the @trans-mages exchange week, my gift for @wellbelesbian. I hope you enjoy it!

My prompt was: Non-binary Baz, perhaps experimenting with pronouns and presentation and feeling affirmed by Simon and his friends.

(The title is from this quote from Carry On: "I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to carry on. As I am." -Baz)

Read it on AO3 or continue here!

Baz

Simon looks peaceful, looking up at the sun like that. Blissfully unaware of my fidgeting hands. I think about what he said just now--what he said about the vampire hotel, how happy and natural I seemed. The worst part is, he’s not wrong. Obviously, I didn’t want to stay there. That would’ve been a nightmare. But there was something about that night… I think it made me see myself in a way I never had before. That night, I got to be the gayest, sparkliest vampire there ever was. I got to be the most me I’ve ever been, and I liked it. Shit, I loved it.

I dunno. I’ve always been something less-than-masculine, much to my father’s chagrin. All those times I let my hair get just a little too long, whenever I wore a shirt that was just a bit too silky… he always had some carefully selected words. I never cared much for what he said about me. My goal back then was to push the limits of what he’d allow, but… maybe now that I’m with Simon, things will be different. Maybe I can finally be an adult about it and communicate. I could make up for all those years of repressed emotions.

Here goes nothing.

“Hey, Simon?”

“Hmmm?” He turns his head back to me but barely opens his eyes.

“ I-I need to tell you about something. And I don’t want to make you more stressed than you already are, or-or anything like that. So don’t feel like you need to understand me or act differently around me or feel--”

“--Baz, are you okay?” Simon cuts me off. He’d opened his eyes now, and seemed concerned.

I take a shaky breath. “Listen, I- I’m- I don’t really know if I’m totally… a guy. Like, I don’t think I want to be a girl, but what if I’m… neither? What if I’m non-binary, or something… like… that?” It all comes out in one big waterfall of words. Crowley, I hate feeling so out of control like this.

Simon’s brow is knotted. He’s thinking. “Alright, so non-binary… do you want to use different pronouns? And I shouldn’t call you ‘boyfriend’ anymore, right?”

“I...yeah. Yeah, exactly. I have wanted to try out they/them pronouns, if you don’t mind…”

“Of course I don’t mind. Baz, I-- you know I’d love you no matter what, right? I won’t stop just because you’re not a boy. Christ, I still don’t know if I’m gay or what, but I know I love you.”

He loves me. He said he loves me, that’s the first time he’s actually said it. The tears are coming. For once I don’t try to stop them or even hide my face. Simon pulls me into a hug, and I just melt into his arms. Somehow, nothing is wrong anymore now that I’m here.

***

I knew I would tell Simon first, and maybe I should leave it at that, but I just want to get this off my chest as soon as possible. After a while of being disgustingly vulnerable with him, I make my way back up to the house and onto the balcony. Shepard is here, too. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Deep breath. “Hey. Um. Can I say something? I’m fairly sure I’m non-binary, and I’d like to try out they/them pronouns for a bit.” The words are coming out much easier the second time around.

Bunce’s eyes light up. “You are?! Oh, I’m so glad you told me! Wait, wait, I think I just saw an article about this the other day… some American celebrity who came out as non-binary? Hang on, I can find it real quick--”

“--That’s fine, but I appreciate it. Really,” I can’t help smiling at her excitement. Somehow this whole “coming out” thing has sapped me of all my sarcasm.

“Cool. I know some non-binary folks. Have you got a new name, or are you still going by Baz?”

“I’m still Baz, thanks.” Shepard hardly looks surprised, and I can’t say I blame him. I haven’t exactly been trying to act straight since we’ve known each other.

Just then, Wellbelove slides the balcony door open, looking anxious. I prepare myself to give the speech again, but she speaks first. “Hey, Baz, I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to know anything yet but I… Well, I heard everything. The doors aren’t exactly soundproof. Still, I’m happy for you.” She manages a nervous smile.

“No, no, it’s alright. Makes things that much easier on me.” Everything happened so quickly. I’m not sure how I feel about Wellbelove finding out, but it was bound to happen eventually. I guess it’s good that she knows now, even if we’re not exactly close friends. Maybe that’s another thing I should work on, now that I’ve decided to be an adult. I could leave all these weird grudges in the past.

***

Later, Simon comes back inside and we all eat dinner in relative silence. It’s less like a family meal and more like the casual school dining halls we’re all accustomed to (except for Shepard, I suppose. Or maybe he had something similar). Wellbelove has been looking at me weirdly since she found out. I know she said she was happy for me, but I can’t help but worry about what she really thinks. I try to focus on Shepard spilling barbeque sauce everywhere.

Simon leans over to me. “Hey, Baz, I was wondering… does this mean you would want to wear different clothes? Or, like, makeup or something?”

I had expected questions like this. “Well, yeah, I have wanted to try wearing a skirt. Just to see if I like it, I mean.”

To my surprise, Wellbelove speaks up again. Maybe I was wrong. Perhaps she’s also attempting to mend our strange relationship.

“I’ve got some skirts that you could try on. If you want to, that is. I… don’t wear them much, anyway.”

“I--yeah, that would be really nice. You’re sure?”

She nods and stands up. I hesitantly follow her into an (unnecessarily posh, even by my standards) bedroom and can barely take in the surroundings before she shoves an armful of skirt in my face.

I crane my neck over the pile of fabric. “Um. Thank you, really. You didn’t have to do this, but…”

She looks down. “No, I wanted to. You know, I’ve been kind of questioning myself as well, but I didn’t want to say anything about it until I was sure,” she lowers her voice, “and at this point maybe I never will be. But this is the least I can do, right?” She offers another half-smile, and I do my best to return it.

“Well, that’s… thank you. Again. And you can talk to me about it. If you want to, of course. I… It might be nice to have someone to relate to.” I’m not sure if I’m reassuring her or myself at this point. Wellbelove seems to understand, and brightens up a bit.

“No, thank you. And you can keep the skirts if you want. I don’t think they suit me.”

She leaves me to sift through the pile. I eventually land on a possibility: it’s a deep forest green, smooth and swirly. When I hold it against my waist, it comes down just above my knees. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t be holding this; like nothing I do will ever turn me into the person I see myself as. But part of me also thinks skirts are fun, and that’s good enough for me. Nothing left to do but try it on.

I look in the mirror and-- Crowley, not again. I’m starting to cry again. It’s just a skirt, but-- well, something about this just makes me feel… different. A good different. More like myself.

Okay, take some deep breaths. I dry my eyes and stand up straight, twirling around a bit. I’m smiling like an idiot now, but I don’t mind. This is the happiest I’ve been for a long time.

I grab the doorknob and throw the door open, shamelessly strutting out and modeling the skirt for everyone. I hardly ever get to be myself like this, and I’m going to enjoy it if it’s the last thing I do.

Everyone’s looking at me. Everyone’s looking at me. Stay calm. Wellbelove is beaming, though she’s trying to hide behind her hands. Shepard just grins and gives me a thumbs-up. Simon’s face is bright red (can’t say I don’t enjoy that), and Bunce puts her hands in front of her mouth and squeals.

“Baz!! You look so good! The color really suits you!”

“Thank you,” I can’t control my smile at this point, “I--” Wait. I have an idea. My mother’s scarf--it’s still folded up in my shirt pocket. I unfold it and tie it around my hair, just like how she used to wear it. Simon’s regained his senses by now and gives me a small smile. I wonder what my mother would say if she could see me now.

Simon gets up and pulls me into a hug. I hug him back, and any apprehension I had fades away. Something about this is familiar; much as we used to hate each other, seeing Simon at Watford always felt like more of a home than my “real” family ever did. Now it’s still the same: I’m at home wherever he is. Nobody can tell me who to be anymore.

***

Bonus:

Simon

Baz looks so good in a skirt. Of course, they do. They look good in everything. Still… something about the way they carry themselves now, how comfortable they look… this is more meaningful. I can’t pretend to know how they feel, or what they’re going through, but I do love them. I’m finally brave enough to say it.

As I pull Baz into a hug, I whisper it into their ear once again: “I love you. So much.”

They squeeze me tighter and return with an “I love you too. Even if your hair smells like barbeque smoke.”

Thank you for reading! This is the first fic I’ve ever published so hopefully I did good haha

This was like… wAYY longer than I planned to write but in my defense, this prompt was lovely and I just wanted there to be more. #noregrets this was very fun and I hope it’s fun for others as well :)

Also, I planned to post this earlier today but..... my laptop died and then I had to catch a flight. And then I thought "you know what would be a great idea? Writing a bonus section!!" ...so r.i.p. my schedule I guess ://

[mostlymaudlin]

self-recs 💫

prompt was: post your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. thank you @urban-sith @nightimedreamersworld @you-remind-me-of-the-babe for tagging me! i feel like im late so idk who has done this already but i tag @starwarned @seducing-a-vampire @otherpeoplesheartachept-2 @prettylightsbigcity @sillyunicorn

i'm only gonna do snowbaz, and also these are just in order of how recent they are bc i dont know how to rank them lol

1. Something's Gotta Give Now (T), 7k

this is my most recent snowbaz fic and i really really liked writing it. it's an au, and i don't really want to give too much away because part of what i like about this fic is the way the backstory unravels. but the gist is: baz plays a sexy, angsty vampire on a popular tv show, and simon is very bitter and very funny about it.

i did this after not writing snowbaz for a while, so i feel like i was able to return to the characters with fresh eyes and some broken bad habits. the third person is nice too -- i definitely write more cleanly in third. it's definitely not crack (which was my original intention lmfao, it's technically my crackfest entry), but im not really mad about it. i gave up on my ability to not to take it seriously about 500 words in. also, there's a second chapter that it just unhinged shit lmfao.

2. The Places We Build (T), 4k

this fic plays with the idea of: what if simon and baz decided in their first year at watford that they didn't want to hate each other? what if everything was the same, except nothing was the same, because they were friends? i like it because i feel like it has a strong heartbeat. i love to see how much of a world i can create in the least amount of words, and there's a looooot of history packed into these 4k words. very tender. very cuddly :)

3. love means slowly using losing your mind (E), 8k

this one was so fun to write. another au -- baz is a wedding planner, simon is penny/sheps best man (yes, both of them). it's loosely based on THAT scene from the movie 27 Dresses (iykyk) but it stands on its own. i like how i leaned into the setting here -- it feels like a very accessible world to me, like you could close your eyes and see the pub. and also i really just like to put my blorbos in a situation where they get drunk and have fun hahaha. as always, shit gets kind of real and snowbaz are their usual intense selves. also there's awkward car sex, which was hilarious to write.

4. Jump Up, Chosen One! (T), 8k

dude. what the FUCK was i on here..... this is perhaps the most plot-driven thing i've ever written, while also being one of the WEIRDEST things ive ever written. the premise is: simon goes off, trapping him, niall, dev, and baz in a Super Mario Bros game. and like. it's silly, yeah. but when i read back through im always like -- oh, ok, there's a lot of heart in this! good job rory! more reasons to love: lots of fun niall & dev screen time, simon solving problems thru the power of Being Determined, a tender moment that i interrupt several times by reminding you that simon and baz do indeed look like mario characters, penny solving problems thru the power of Being Clever, and a surprise tonal shift at the end lmfao. idk man. there's a lot going on here and i think it's p sweet.

5. In black ink my love may still shine bright (M), 5k

even though i hate that i used a fuckin long ass shakespeare quote as a title (lmao. like it fits and i love that sonnet but still. tacky !), this fic is great. @starwarned and i talk a lot about the power of The Slutty M-Rated Fic, and this is my best work in that regard. post-awtwb, date night -- they get ice cream and go to a bar and... shenanigans ensue. it's sweet and happy and nothing bad happens. NICE. the e-rated sequel is the first smut i ever wrote. i was so nervous about it. look at me now.... our resident blood slut LMAO.

honorable mentions, because im a dirty cheater. these probably belong in top 5 but ive been talking about them already recently so i didnt want to be repetitive.

closer to the sun (E), 6k: simpard taken seriously. investigations and road trips and finding purpose and... dragon-fucking.

Nothing Equals The Splendor (T), 52k: my longest fic! gbbo au. a labor of love.