#this is weird gender stuff talking dont come at me for equating the two things lol i just dont know what my gender is doing

[orcelito]

ok ykno what I think the general online atmosphere re: Attraction To Men is very horrible & stunting. I've realized recently that I probably do have some internalized biphobia that was a big motivator for why I identified with the word gay despite not Really having a gender preference. & yea I still identify with gay but also maybe I kinda identify with bi too. Bc my gender is fluid and it really just depends on the day, but overall I am potentially attracted to men too and that doesn't take away from my non-straight identity, & it's not Unfortunate or anything either.

Yes, I'm scared of men I don't know. I'm fucking Terrified of them. But men are still just human fucking people, with as much potential for good as anyone else. The masses of people who are all like "eww who even likes men lol" or ppl feeling ashamed for liking men, like. What's the fucking point? You're making trans men feel awful, you're making gay men feel awful, & hell even cis straight men don't deserve to be put down all the time simply for being men.

So sick of all those people who Genuinely think that's okay. Like lmao get the fuck out of here.

[stayatsam]

why not do all the evens too owo

U GOT ME THERE! 

2. what are your pronouns?

he him

4. what do you wish you could tell your past self?

u gay trans u fool stop trying to think of a million other identities YOUR GAY TRANS YOU FOOL YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOON 

6. favorite color?

orange

8. when did you find out your sexuality?

i think ive always been attracted to men but i didnt really figure out i was a man until high school so i think ive technically always? i thought i was a lesbian for a time because i equated masculine girl with lesbian (i went to a very sheltered catholic school) 

i did date girls in high school and i was very much in love with a girl my senior year but its really complicated for me to explain how that was considering im like.. a gay man... (id say bisexual but it doesnt fit right i feel better with gay)

10. do you have any gay friends?

all of them fortunately!

12. who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?

lady gaga for how much influence she’s had on me as a growing trans gay 

but kevin abstract when it comes down to gay tunes and vibes

14. are you openly out?

out to my friends and family. i dont really tell people im trans unless its a professor. most people tend to get my gender right if i speak first when they first meet me (i have a deep man’s voice from T). if they dont get it right i don’t make a fuss tbh i just kinda deal with it because i wont really talk to them again.

if im assumed male correctly its usually pretty easy to tell im gay because if i get comfortable talking to someone my gay accent comes out 

16. bottom or top?

bottom ;)

18. do you bind?

had top surgery babey!

20. if you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?

very attractive and kind olderish man.. the model david gandy is my dream husband

22. describe your partner (s)?

i dont have one

24. anyone of another sex?

yup! dated like two girls in high school and neither were very fun because i was depressed and repressed so i couldnt enjoy hanging out w them. we sort of dated in a weird way with this one girl my senior year like we were very physically intimate and went on dates and some naked stuff but i was still figuring out my sexuality so it didn’t feel right to be with a girl (because i was gay) but i like.. heart to heart was in love with her.

26. favorite dad in dream daddies?

hugo...

28. do you own any pride flags/merch?

i have a bunch of rainbow buttons i put on my backpack

@thotjolras just got a gay pride flag this year its on our windows

30. any advice to someone who isn’t out or who is exploring themselves?

adding a million modifiers to your sexuality will only make you sound ridiculous and make you more confused. there’s no singular sexuality experience, only things that work as umbrellas and help give you a sense of community and hope. no need to pressure yourself too hard things will come together!

[nadoblabla]

About Me

I bet you already knew from my Twitter (twitter.com/elnado108) that I posted shits on daily basis. Recently, or maybe should I say "usually" , my tweets consist of rage, sadness, questioning myself, questioning the world, practically self doubt and self loathing almost all the time.

Finally, I snapped. Even Twitter can no longer support my overwhelming feelings. "Feelings? Why you use Twitter for feelings?" That's probably what logical people said. Yes, I can use Twitter for good purpose, to share interesting and useful stuffs, knowledge, information, etc. Then what? You see, I am a logical person too. In fact, I use logic almost all the time in real life, so logic that I start to doubt and questioning human nature and their beliefs (I still belief in Allah SWT as God, I simply question the system itself). Then after all these logic starts to bored me and problems come and go, I finally need to rest. I realize I have no one to share all of the pain and happiness other than myself.

Can't believe what I just wrote? First, let's put "parents" and "God" out of equation. Let's become an egoistic being and focus on me for a while. Focus on you. Focus on one single entity, yourself. Try, try to understand my point of view. Let's analyze the last sentence in my last paragraph.

"I realize I have no one to share all of the pain and happiness"

Yes. Let's analyze it (or let me analyze myself) using 5W+1H.

1. What do you mean by you have no one?

-> I do have friends. Most of them are men. I don't have that kind of charm like some of my friends (unsurprisingly, they all are extroverts) that can talk their way with girls, without making myself weird or vulnerable.

As a man, 22 years old, in a third world country that is closer than ever to conservatism, it is very difficult for me to share my problems with my peer. Toxic masculinity, or to put it simple, expectation for a man to always be strong, independent, having huge willpower, and never put themselves in a sentimental/emotional position in front of public. How many of you that told your friends to "don't cry! Boys don't cry! Steel yourself! These are nothing, there are worse things out there!" ?? Even in my campus, my department, my close friends circle, it still happened most of the time. Not only men, most women here expect the same thing. There is nothing wrong with being a tough guy. But it is impossible, yes I declare it with all money on the table, it is IMPOSSIBLE for any human regardless of gender to be tough and badass all the time 24/7. Now when I became vulnerable, when I am down, when I am sad, where should I go? To whom I should talk to?

TLDR, my friends, which almost all of them are male , can't accept my ramblings. Most of them simply give "logical" answer, like how men should, without understanding the underlying problems. The psychology part. The feeling part. Is my logical capacity is too low that I need to ask for others logical answer to my own life? HELL NO. Like I told you from the beginning of this post, I do think logically. And I am fucking bored with it, because no matter how hard I toughen myself up, no matter how delicate my problem solving skills, LOGIC can't solve it. Still not understand what I meant? Huft. It's easy. Every logical answer that most of my friends gave me is something that I ALREADY think about/consider/act upon it. It's not a new or brilliant answer that I looking for.

In the end, I have no one. I do have one/two women that probably can solve my problems, but they've been listening to my problems all these times, that it is simply sickening for me to keep asking for their help.

"Why not solving it yourself?" Some of you may ask.

Next time you are in a deep shit, even if that shit is your own mind, you may fuck yourself. Or you know, you may just kill those psychiatrist and therapist , or blow up psychology department in uni. The next time you meet someone with certain psychological disorder or mental problems, why don't give them a fucking AAA robot that can solve their problems with 100% accuracy. Or maybe, you are weak in science and start to spewing God this and that, you know what? You may be right. Try to ruqyah all of mental patients in mental hospital, give me shoutout if they are "cured". Better quit reading this post rather than trying to give your "number one answer to everything" answer to me. You are not my friend. You are not even on my level, you are low and don't even have rights to see me. Begone.

2. With whom you want to share your pain and happiness?

-> Is it obvious? Human. People that can connect with me not only on logical level , but also understand my feelings. Men and women are all the same. As long as you are not gay.

DISCLAIMER - Skip if you don't want to see me reasoning with SJW feminist gay activist liberals

"Wait! Why gay? You hate LGBT?" Even if my head is full of desire for freedom and happiness, I still can't tolerate LGBTQ++ or whatever that shit is. I do share values with both liberalism and conservatism (in this case, Islam and eastern culture). In short, I trust my own judgement and I don't want to put myself under liberalism/conservatism. I need to be higher than that.

3. Why you can't share with no one?

-> It sounds impossible. No one? For real? I can simply talk to strangers and explain to them all of my life and problems, can I?

If you look back to question number one, you already know the answer. But I do have additional things, that I want to... Add.

It's because even if I do have people to share, people/I might not have enough time. I am busy. Fifth year student in a top 5 campus in Indonesia. Then, even if somehow two/more unique individuals managed to find time to talk, do they actually care?

Several weeks/months ago I have another episode of depression. I share with one of my friend. A woman, as expected. Because man don't have time for these shits. That woman is actually a good woman. But sadly, she is bad in terms of talking on a deep, understanding level. Except when she talk about her love interest. When I shared with her about my personal problems, she seems "fine" until I slip a little detail about her crush, then the whole topic shift to satisfy her desire. It's okay, it is understandable. But at that moment, when I truly need help and in a 100% serious mode, she simply change the whole topic, disregarding the previous conversation completely, not even bothered to talk about it again until I decided to tease her about it. In the end, it will hurts more if the person that I try to trust with my vulnerabilities is simply a wrong, don't-give-a-damn person. In fact, being fake itself is already disgusting.

Yes. I need someone who actually care. Care doesn't mean they instantly become a mother figure. Let's put another example. Back when I was with Nita, she did care. She looked for me when I am missing, she noticed something different in me, she listened attentively. Oh you think I haven't moved on huh? In high school , I spend much of my time with no girlfriend. But I do have friends who missed me when I am gone. Or even if they too are busy with their life, when I am back, they are curious with me.

Now? I no longer have those attention. No warm welcome I always got (not always but yeah) when I entered the class like I used to be in highschool. No more stupid random calls. Indeed, today it's not that bad. But for some reason, I crave for human emotions. Sadness, happiness, love,hate, etc. My life is not like hell now, but it's like a calm water. Nothing happened. Nothing. Nihil.

4. When is all of these happened?

-> By the time problems hit me + the 8th semester (now I am on my tenth). It hits really hard due to my procrastinate habit plus loneliness that happened since I no longer have classes.

If you notice, actually I knew the problems within me. In the last paragraph, I mention "procrastinate". So yeah, stop thinking "Ah now you already understand the problem, why don't you act!". I am too genius. I simply want to talk.

5. Where...

-> err actually I dont know how should I analyze it with "where". So skip this W. 

6. How you deal with this, until now?

-> With all of my previous answers, I decided to share it via social media. I KNOW it is spam for some people, I KNOW it is uncomfortable for some, I KNOW it is weird and shameful for me,but what choice do I have? I also plan to do charity stuffs, because I find happiness in other people happiness. Hopefully I am not BS-ing.

It's either I talk/write, or I die of suicide. You think there is another way? Remember, that I ask you readers to put away parents and God, since I believe it is something that I alone should think about, and I am not in the mood to listen/read any kind of suggestion that "use" those things.

But if for some reason you do think there is another way, give me a comment or shoutout.

Meanwhile I know most of you do not know me deeply. I put this introduction at the last paragraph, as a sign of gratitude for your patience and willingness to read this post.

My name is Liu Nado. I am a student in Mechanical and Biosystem Agricultural Engineering department in IPB, Indonesia. I am 22 years old. Male, straight, combination of both Chinese and Lampungnese. Probably ugly, but probably I am smarter than the average human. 170cm tall, 70 kg weight. I am INTP-T, based on 16personalities.com

Thank you for reading my posts. I hope we can be friends. Even if not, if you know someone who are in these situations like mine, please. I beg you. Do not leave them alone. All they need is a place to share. A person to understand.

Oh yeah... I haven't tell you about the problems right? I don't want to make people bored with long wall of text, so I will write about it tomorrow/next time. In the next posts, I will explain to you the trigger of these unnecessary dramatic depression stuff. It might not be the biggest problem I got, but it is the one that push the correct button within me. A "self-destruction" button.

Of course, all of those cocky attitude of mine is just for a joke.