#this isn't really specifically about my ex's partner tbh just general reflections

[thedreadvampy]

cause I think the thing is. like. I try REALLY REALLY hard to give people the benefit of the doubt when I get Bad Vibes, and I particularly do when they're saying my partners bc like. obviously there's a) some need to keep things smooth and not fuck up my partner's other relationships and b) it's hard to vibe out where the closeness to the situation introduces unconscious bias.

h o w e v e r

and this is in and of itself a pretty biased view but

I would say that I have yet to have a situation where in retrospect I've been too harsh in my opinions on a partner's relationship, and I've had several experiences now where I have been un-harsh to the degree of really letting their partners treat not just then but also me real fucking shitty like.

I don't think I'm a particularly jealous person (for a current example I straight up love Kofi's boyfriend he's SO FUN AND NICE AND GOOD FOR THEM. in this house we stan). and I have really liked the majority of people who've dated people I've been dating tbh. I also think I'm pretty good at telling the difference between 'I like this person but I don't think their relationship looks great' and 'I don't like this person'.

but I get So Anxious about, even in my own head, being honest about the bad vibes I get about a relationship my partner is having. it's one of the trickiest things about poly, I think, and it's something I've dealt with probably 4 or 5 times now?

cause, at least in my model of polyamory, a relationship that your partner is having with someone else is theirs, not yours. Like a relationship your sibling or parent or best friend is in - you're potentially very close to it and have ringside seats, but you're not a participant and ultimately you don't get to make decisions about what it looks like.

But like those other types of second-hand relationships, you aren't uninvolved or unaffected by bad ones. Both because you have to watch someone you care about go through it, and because as someone very close to them you end up picking up a lot of flak. When someone you love (whether it's friends, family or romantic partners) is in a relationship that's toxic, abusive, or going through a lot of stress, that has a lot of knock-on effects on you - they're stressed, they need support, they may have less energy or time, they're likely to be more reactive to stuff that triggers bad vibes in their relationship, they may need a listening ear or someone to reassure them they're not being unreasonable (or tell them if they are), they need a safe place to go when stuff blows up, all that stuff.

and that's a difficult balance whatever their relationship is to you. We've all had that thing with a friend or family member where you're threading that needle of like "ok I need to reinforce that they don't deserve to be treated like shit but also I need to be civil with their partner and not make things worse and also there's angles on this I'm not seeing, and do I tell them what I think about their partner or will they turn round down the line and be like WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU ABOUT THEM WHEN YOU'VE ALWAYS HATED THEM." that kind of stuff.

but I do think there's a specific complexity to that in a poly context. because unlike with a friend or sibling or parent or child, in a poly relationship, you and your partner's other partner are kind of in the same space. You might not be in direct competition but you're approaching each other as equals and what you have to say about someone's relationship hits different because of that.

like for me it's often cut both ways too. it drives me nuts if a partner goes to their partner for advice on how to handle our relationship. similarly I really don't want to be implying that my way of being in a relationship with someone is the Right Way and their other partner is just Less Good At Dating Them, because obviously that's not the case, we have different relationships. and I don't feel that way about friends or family. and it's not really jealousy, I don't think, it's just there's a type of closeness bred of similarity that creates a possibility of competition (not necessarily fighting over someone, but competing to be the Best At Dating Them).

in my case I think I often overcorrect for that. hence letting a lot of stuff slide in how my partners' partners behave around me that I absolutely would not let pass if they were my friends' partners. but whether you overcorrect or undercorrect I think it's really hard to navigate tbh.