#this isnt the first time i get asks like THAAAAAT

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Vanity Headcanon in response to the previous headcanon: Vanity does such sadistic things, like writing angst, not creating a masterlist, etc. bc of her trauma. Specifically, her doing it is an example of her self-sabotaging tendencies where she holds people to this unattainable standard (finding her fics which is nearly impossible with lacking tags a d tumblr beung tumblr for instance) and then becoming distraught and overwhelmed because of the surplus of her work and simultaneously relieved because of old works she might not be as proud of having a slimmer chance of being found. And then she teases ppl for it, happy that they desire her work and secretly relishing over the slight power she has over them, giving way to issues with control.

Girl, this was one to UNPACK 😂😂 Buckle up bois, we getting into my psyche 😂. Can't wait until I regret being so honest 😂

I reckon I do self sabotage a lot of things. Not so sure if i do with fics 😂 but fuck it, let's get into my mindset on fics 😂

I have a specific adoration for bittersweet angst. Like to be sad something is over with or a reminiscing a memory. If it's a break-up and there's nothing bittersweet about it. Nothing but hurt and I tend not to read it because for me it can fall into being told things are shit but not really going into it. I feel things rather deeply I'd say in life and naturally that comes out in fics. If I have to write something sad like death, I want to express the full thing, the pain, the hurt, the loss and grief and why those feelings are there. Kind of romanticising the everyday moments hoping that one day I can look back on my life and romanticise all the things I have done and who with. Rather than focus on the end goal of feeling successful by how much money I have, what my career was, how many kids I had and where they went to college. All things that was instilled in me at a young age, I want to be able to think. "In this picture, I might not remember how old I was but it made me really happy. In that moment, I was happy where I was and felt loved. I spent time with this person and that was enough." I want to focus more on memories and the connections I make rather than assets. I think that rubs off in my writing and because I'm a sentimental sappy lil shit, it usually comes out in angst.

Should probably throw in that I have mental illnesses and so sometimes it's hard to write about happy fluffy shit that doesn't make me think about what I'm missing, ehat i should be and blah de blah. 👀😂

But yes, my fics are very reflective because I do a lot of reflecting myself with some shitty things that have happened in my life and my pure dissatisfaction of how those experiences have shaped me and my struggles today so you might be onto something with the trauma part 😂

So scrolling back to a blog ago I decided after many many many many years of imagining stories in my head to cope with my struggles that I would put them on the Internet like other people did. I was terrified and made sure my identity was kept hidden. No one would ever find out who I was and those who did know me would never know this is what I do. I didn't even expect to do it very long but this...omg this is the highlight. I didn't think they'd get much attention. When I first did this, I was posting 11 stories a day.

Fast forward to the first time I'm asked about a masterlist...

I'm between 2-4 thousand fics in with no knowledge on how to make them. Vanity isnt tech savvy and half the time technology won't cooperate with Vanity. I'm well into a year or two of doing this.

Now I might be an arsehole for this thinking but that was a big old fuck thaaaaat. I'm working at the time, I have college and a job to hold down after that. It was a big ol' NOPE. Not possible. Plus, it's fine, people will grow bored of me and I'll fade away OR again, I won't be doing this for very long anyway.

I was wrong.

So what did I do? Made a tag system. You want this prat? Search the name, you'll find said prat here with the rest of him.

Then I was made aware that tumblr decided if you so much name drop a prat then said fics WILL BE INCLUDED. This was a problem BUT IM IN TOO DEEP AND NOW OVER 4000 FICS IN.

I'm also becoming aware that people aren't forgetting me. Infact I have more followers than I've ever had in my life and its approaching 1.7k. I have a rather nasty panic attack because it felt like all eyes were on me and i wanted to run like fuck...roughly ten mins into said panic attack, I deleted that blog.

ROLL IN THIS BLOG. Guess what, Vanity still can't make a bloody masterlist. People are screaming at me because they thought the lost me for good and I'm coming to terms with an alarming amount of people actually caring about my fics. But people weren't supposed to! This was just a random person trying to have a fun tome with her imagination that could only dream of people liking her stuff...AND IT WAS HAPPENING!?

But then a new challenger! Ya gal realises that she's written all these fics...and doesn't want them to be noticed but then why have I put them on the Internet for people to see!? Wtf!? Yet I keep going. "Please, don't see this. Please. Come on. Don't notice this." *presses post* "I'm actually shit at writing but it's fun, as long as people don't notice-* *reaches over 100+ notes*

Then the master lists come up AGAIN. She still doesn't understand how to do them and now I'm at 8000. Someone OFFERS to make one and I refuse because that's torture for me to even think of never mind let someone else do that. Live your life babe, I am not worthy of that valuable time.

Now I face intense imposter syndrome that I can't rationalise with. Feel giddy when I get feedback and grow confident to push my boundaries, get insecure and hide back into my hidey hole. Not to mention the constant feeling of letting people down when I don't consistently post and better yet, anything I do write is utter garbage and my supporters deserve better.

So kind of, more of me not knowing how to handle this stuff nor myself so I take it a day at a time and hiss at the thought of a masterlist. It hurts to think about. Like say I go through all the bother of making a bible of masterlists that'll require masterlists for the masterlists and then I have to UPDATE IT ALL THE TIME?

Nah, I have over 60 WIPs jumping around in my brain, I don't have the mental capacity. 😂 I mean I went into this thinking I'd grow out of it. IM STILL HERE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THINKING "OH WHAT IF I BECAME AN AUTHOR?" Only to be realise I might have exhausted myself with the fanfic writing and even more so the strong feeling no one would want that. None of the characters I write about are mine and that's who the people are here for. Not to mention I DONT HAVE THE CONFIDENCE 😭 AS USUAL.

Ugh, I feel sick just thinking about all of this.😂

I don't think I just do. Writing is the do. Masterlists is the thinking.

props to those who read ALL OF THIS. You troopers, smooches ❤️

[pinkydude]

Dude, I was playing CP yesterday evening and when I saw Mitch I kinda automatically started looking for Valentin... WE NEED A MOD OF AN NPC VALENTIN that would just chill somewhere close to Mitch, or follow him or something I dunno but Mitch without Valentin looks lonely af and my heart can't stand it :(

huUHIGEHUZHUHU IGEZ

DUDE I-

[disappolntment]

undeveloped thoughts until a new psych don’t crucify me

actually don’t even read this I’m venting and it’s probably victim playing because I don’t think I’m going through a hard time ever apparently

gd my mum bitches about my little sister like she isn’t in the room with us

I want to be supportive and validating to them both because I see both sides

It’s just a bad position to be in. I love them both a lot but it happens every day and instead of her dealing with it she just yells at me about it and then acts like it doesn’t exist and my little sister doesn’t have any consequences but honestly the only person my sister treats like this is my mum?

Regardless a kid doesn’t understand?? They’re just getting yelled at

but I’m trying to get into a new psych, deal with my eczema and get back into uni/life and friendship circles

I can’t fix ur parenting for you

or mediate for you anymore and I’m asking you to stop but you’re still taking and I’m still giving but I’m a fucking pushover for people I love

I’ve been doing it my whole life. I didn’t know I had emotions until the age of fucking 21 because the only time you’d give me any form of attention was when you were crying about my dad (fuck yeah toxic behaviour I probably mimicked but my dad was also a narcissist so :) :) :) I have self professed daddy issues don’t I just have a fucking target on my head)

(raised to think now feel later tbh which is why I was so fucking dumb when trusting the first boy I slipped into bed with YIKES IM A DUMBASS LMAO he was a complete stranger in hindsight but I trusted brea’s input and honestly I think I was just connected to her? Not her fault lovely human who went through a lot also even if she hates me lmao)

Find your own fucking voice of reason REGARDLESS MUM

She doesn’t even listen to advice and just talks over me all of the time? infuriating. I asked her yesterday if she was going through a difficult time lately and she told me no? She is having the best time everything is going really well for her etc she is really excited about life and the business

She genuinely is on top of the moon every single day. But the only things she speaks to me about: her emotional baggage. stress. this needs to be a double ended stick. to get support you need to give it. because The way Annabelle talks to you is the least of my issues when I have split personalities induced by psychosis. (My own fault. I’m an adult. I’m not blaming her).

When I black out for 3 days straight and don’t remember the last 3 years of my life...

I need a hospital.

I need a good psychiatrist and I’m in a position where I am PHYSICALLY unable to get it.

I don’t need to hear your emotional baggage.

I’m going through a hard time right now and I can’t give mundane support to people.

I’m so selfish though?

deal with your own shit IM BEING AN ACTIVE LISTENER and giving you decent support and you aren’t even asking me how my day is in return.

I do it because I love you but I fucking can’t even love myself right now please stop doing this if you don’t 100% need it? I’m only one person. This is just stupid.

everything is genuinely my fault coming down from losing reeya (especially because she heavily sided with my ex after validating the abuse but tbh I think I treated her like trash so I kinda understand and that genuinely is her decision I hope she is doing well now and we have both grown idk it was probably for the best I’m so self destructive all of the time which isn’t tight in friendships but ya girls first relationship her fucking dad died in it I’m not a miracle working despite putting on a brave face. Again not her fault she had no responsibility by me at all this is a general observation

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know who did who wrong especially after reading the messages she and joe exchanged?? But I was always acting how I felt and being honest and he was just guilt tripping me and making me feel bad about my concerns and lack of support idk how fucked up are large groups of people heavily addicted to weed and in denial about it)

(Actually in hindsight she did side with him and: It’s just so unsettling that my ex never spoke to me about the way he was feeling only to my support networks lol? Narcissist. He would always SHIT talk everybody he had ever encountered he hates everybody except the friends sexually assaulting me on a regular basis and thinks everybody is doing him wrong and I was the only reason he probably still has friends or a brother and am currently in a position where he can make his own life. bet they all fucking dropped off the face of the earth when you stopped having a hot girlfriend they could actively fondle and you to deny it. But then again prolly not y’all all into younger girls anyway??? Actively pursuing 17 yos is still a fucking crime :) :) sex fuelled perverts )

And having to admit to myself my ex actually is trash and all of these people I was convinced were lovely and good for me weren’t actually. All of these little things are coming back and genuinely no friends should be hearing them when they do? Because it did happen two months ago and I should be over it.

fuck yeah the incredible anxiety in public (only around men) I physically can’t control HAS BEEN REAL AND SOMETHING I haven’t had to deal with in so long

I literally

Just

Shut down

I can’t breathe

But I’m fucking dealing with it in a healthy manner I don’t need anybody to act sorry for me I need long term support and I don’t get that from my family SO IM FUCKING DEALING WITH IT. IT ISNT MY FRIENDS ISSUE.

but here I am playing victim because my issues aren’t even that bad 👈👈😎 and I’m okay being alive when I’m tending to my plants dog and video games

this past year has been hell on earth (I didn’t even know I was going through a hard time honestly #gaslighting) and I have a hard time creating new support networks which is fine because we are also working on thaaaaat I’m just venting Rn. I’m pleased to report I have a lovely group of friends that took me out and dropped me off at a party during PEAK SOCIAL ANXIETY I COULDNT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HOLDING EITHER SAMS OR JAYDES HAND they’re fucking lovely and I forget I have mental issues around them they’re actually fucking phenomenal

REGARDLESS I needed to vent a little so that continues:

yes, I can help you

but no, you aren’t getting help

********* I shouldnt need to be having emotional outbursts 24/7 for people to acknowledge they’re effecting me or I’m going through a hard time. I’m not like that!!!! I should just be able to tell them my boundaries and conveye WHATS going on and them recognise and respect me *********

If I’m being a little bitch isn’t that the point of talking about it? fucking hurt my feelings I don’t care it’s PRODUCTIVE even if you fucking need time to like sit on them I’m so understanding WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED I KNOW IT CAN BE ROUGH

“Sorry” just fucking guiltrips people without change

But it also prevents you from making meaningful connections with people if you refuse to change.

(Have fun being your dad dumbass xx)

DO WRONG? ITS GOING TO BE CONFRONTED IF I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU AND in turn us. Stop being a bitch about it.

But I can’t even say that with complete conviction nowadays especially in the company of people after my last relationship and my ex best friend because my reactions were mine in all of it and I did lose reeya. Objectively speaking I must have been shit because reeya isn’t a dumb person?

still haven’t told my shit psych about any of this because he is cracking onto my mum and me

And actively telling me I can’t pursue uni or any goals I bring to the table. Always cuts me off when I wish to vent.

Stress

all because I saw his face today and he acted happy to see me which is a fucking lie because that man does not have a single ounce of empathy and that’s still so apparent because all he does is fuck freshly 18-19 yo’s and bitch to my loved ones how much he misses me like lmao you never even established a bond with me I was just a trophy. but anyway he has never actually apologised or attempted to rectify any of his mistakes the only thing he has ever said to me was shit like “*fake tear* you hate me” “you just want to fuck him” (I HAVE SUCH A LOW SEX DRIVE IM ALMOST POSITIVE IM ASEXUAL I DONT WANT TO FUCK ANYBODY UNLESS IM OBSESSED WITH THEM AND I WOULD TELL HIM THIS AND HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME IM LYING OR IMPLY IT IM JUST TRYING TO FUCKING ACCURATELY EXPRESS MYSELF AND YOURE GUILT TRIPPING ME) “I look shit (my dad literally just died and the entire Italian family is downstairs arguing about the funeral and shit talking me to my face and I’m crying about it and the only things he says is that. I yelled at him constructive things like: it probably wasn’t the time for that I just needed support for a little while?? I felt bad and started comforting him because I loved him and him being happy made me feel better.)”

Occasionally when he was drunk “I’m the best” NARCISSISTS

Such a fucking victim playing narcissist (and his brother does it too to this poor girl named Phoenix??? But she is leaving soon if Mitch doesn’t decide following in his big brothers footsteps, fucking people younger than his little brother, is detrimental. I hope they get off drugs and spend time away from mitchs family. I’m always torn between sending her a message to establish an “sos” contact in the area but Sam still lives there so that’s comforting? But also not really because that environment is not good for Sam to be in. Torn.)

You weren’t the one cheated on buddy. You weren’t the one gaslit. You weren’t the one who lost their dad and family and had no support other than “I hate myself”.

You got an angry reaction. You did something shit.

Also;

Yes, that man in public is interesting.

Yes, I am having human conversation with him and am learning things.

Yes, I am denying his advances.

No, I clearly don’t want to fuck him. He knows I have a boyfriend. You are POSSESSIVE AND TOXIC AND IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT. I DONT CHEAT ON PEOPLE AND IVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYBODY. I GREW UP WITNESSING THE EFFECTS IT HAD ON MY FUCKING MUM. STOP TAKING A MALE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR HOT GIRLFRIEND AS AN EGO JAB. FUCKWIT.

YOURE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKING DAD THAT EVEN TRIED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE ON ME IN HINDSIGHT

You. Are. Definition of shit buddy.

I told you everything and was made to feel emotionless? I literally gave you all of my emotions. Im so dumbbbb.

You had them.

Fuck you.

My emotional responses were so skewed because you GASLIT ME.

Trash is the human that gaslights a girl losing; her dad to cancer and entire family to the ordeal.

Trash is the human that says he wants to love and support a girl going through shit like that, and believes his victim playing/self deprecating ‘issues’ are bigger than hers.

You aren’t caring because you financially supported bringing me along for your life style so you can show me off?

Closure is just something I have to live without in both regards though. Which is shit because I genuinely want to grow from fucking up that friendship with reeya?? But also I’m so mad she took my ex’s side. Like... take no side at all if you can’t make a decision.

Both people could be equal parts the problem. It’s a fucking breakup.

I think I’m mad and guilty because I let joe use all of my support networks to validate himself.... but only after they validated me.

“Do better than your parents”

But I don’t understand if I should be angry or guilty over that entire ordeal?? Because I understand clouded judgement during that time and going through your own shit and hating me during that time I was a fucking DUMBASS and a sympathiser to somebody negatively effecting me “because he has done so much for me” (it should be a thankless fucking task I gave him the opportunity to leave before this entire thing I sat him down in his dorm room and said stuff in my home life is about to get rough I don’t know how I’m going to react. I’m prepared to break things off for the time being are you positive you’re prepared to do this with me it’s genuinely okay if you aren’t.)

(All in all: acknowledging so many mistakes I made like not reacting to a lot of things and giving people the benefit of the doubt; anyway I’m actively trying to correct them and it’s difficult in this environment because my families issues are mineeeeeeee B) B) B) BUT ALSO GIVING MYSELF TO PEOPLE STRAIGHT AWAY and now I have to relearn boundaries which is fucking TIGHT)

I wish them both the best regardless.

I probably did fuck it all up.

But like they’d ever tell me? Like I’ll ever get their side.

I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anybody and was only trying to keep the peace in every regard because that’s genuinely how I was raised

But I just didn’t know that’s actually detrimental? Like people pleasing and shit (I’m growing all over again and realigning my moral compass)

So confusing because I never used to be a people pleaser with my friendship groups or anything like that.

I feel like I just unlearnt all of the information and dialogue I worked really hard trying to secure in a relationship :) I can’t even cope with my mum bitching about my little sister without having a mental breakdown now.

it’s all coming up milhouse-

my dog is fat (he got into the giant food bag like twice and almost flipped his stomach but instead put on about 50kgs so now I’m the owner of a fat Labrador) and dog aggressive now when other dogs try and hump him (it’s very weird for renny he is usually very patient but there’s a new puppy in the family so he is kinda over being the rest dummy I think)

I’m just going to invest my time into fatass and see what happens

I don’t know what I need or who to get advice from but I’m sick of joe always being in my environment nd if people don’t let me run anyway soon prolly gna neck because everybody I love sympathises with him so much which is so confusing for me it’s like people are going to fucking validate my emotions (which means fuck all now???) and also sympathise with my fucking abuser (which also needs to be validated by a psych because this is just beyond my support networks and me anyway)

👈👈😎

but alas here covid is so I can’t run away which isn’t an answer anyway but at least then maybe I can focus on myself for a day without everybody I love abandoning me

I’m a massive victim have pitty on me I hope things look up with this new psych and they don’t just convince me I’m playing victim too but invalidating everything I say. but it’s for the best because I think I get greedy when people give me a platform when I need intense emotional support (sorry you had to deal with any of this reeya)

fuck yeah

cant even blame my mum for guilt tripping me into accepting help from my ex while on holidays it’s my fault I was in that position!!!! because I’m a shit person who genuinely deserves to be alone for the shit she has done!!!! and her mother’s issues have always been hers!!!! But I just wanted to make everybody happy and you kept reassuring me it was okay!!!!!

so fuck everybody that thinks I’m a horrible person right off the bat when men are capable of making their own decisions especially when I’m giving them all of the facts???? Fuck victim players!!!!

AGAIN DONT CRUCIFY ME THESE ARE ALL UNDERDEVELOPED BECAUSE IVE HAD NO GUIDANCE AND STRUGGLE WITH INTENSE MEMORY LOSS THE PAST 3 YEARS ALL I CAN DOCUMENT IS THE WAY I FEEL AND IM SEEing A PSYCH SOON ALL I Can do in the meantime is treat the people in my current circle with respect but I’m struggling and need my family to support me emotionally a little without invalidating me? But I can’t dump all of my shit on them consistently because fuck this level of emotional baggage on anybody other than a psych or myself lmao

But that’s okay because people will never understand how the individual feels and it genuinely is up to me to deal with my own shit.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

Still not over how i went "i absolutely am DONE with this man, i am DONE, like!! what the fuck!!!", just to realize "...okay, shit, i still like him"

Since i was obviously pissed at Patrick the day we went to paint at the cool graveyard he took me to, and it took me so long to realize that my irritation wasn't STRICTLY directed at him.....

Just at the fact of, "This guy is absolutely nothing like what I'm looking for, and yet I still want him to like me back so badly".

Or at least in the context of hooking up with an ex the right before that, and me thinking "holy shit, i havent felt this way in fucking months", just for the very next day to be like "ah shit, how will patrick feel hearing about this though? Is he gonna be upset? Or does he still see us as just friends? Im so anxious, i dont even know a way to ask if he likes me or not, and if he doesnt, its gonna take a lot for me to not cry or feel embarrassed over getting my hopes up......."

I don't know how to describe that, but my guess is that I simply cared about him.

If it truly was, "Blonde Patrick gives me something that Brunette Patrick never has", then I would've never gone on the graveyard meetup in the first place.

Would've never packed all my supplies and stayed in the cold with him and walked up that big ass hill with him.

If I didn't like Patrick in one way or another, i would've cancelled and never talked to him again.

....

But it wasnt that i didnt like him.

I just felt like..... I dunno, like I wasn't liked, and it was taking a toll on me.

Since a lack of romantic gestures + one sided enjoyment of sex + no real interest in the things im passionate about + no chivalry = more prone to believe that someone isnt as into me as i had been into them.

And I was a little scared, since I mean.... even throughout that, i still liked them?

Or was it since i didnt wanna be lonely? Its hard to tell. But, clearly if it was never just hangouts, and some weeks we would bang and cuddle and make out almost every free day of the week, thaaaaats probably a sign i liked him way wayyyyy more than i wanted to tell him.

So, what's a girl to do when she's getting emotionally attached, to someone that isnt?

Cuttting them off.

Did it work?

Nah. I mentioned wanting to pause things and see someone else i could seriously date, who could show passion in a relationship, and he was like "Well out of curiosity, how do you picture that going for yourself?"

I explained. And well, his response seemed like it was him showing interest.... but to this day, he still hasnt told me if his intentions of responding to my, "I wanna date a man who can think of dates without me always asking first or giving ideas", with his "wanna go to the graveyard tomorrow and paint?", was a date idea or just an ill timed way to ask me to hang out......

I still don't know.

And i didn't know.

That's where the aspergers kicked in, "so does he mean that as a DATE, or just to hang like normal or something and he asked it at the worst timing?"

Hell, I've had men screw me seven times in one night, make out with me all night long, then embrace me, buy me brunch, and walk me to the bus back home, and still had to ask my friends..... "Does it seem like he's interested in me like that?"

"Girl....GIRL..... He had sex with you SEVEN DAMN TIMES.... AND YOURE STILL LIKE 'he might have a crush on me", HJSHSJDJSI." - a wise girl, very good friend of mine that helps me take hints id otherwise miss

But back to the story.

Idk, that's like if I said, "I only wanna date men that can give me marshmallows", and Patrick going "ah good for you.... hey I just found this ginormous marshmallow, want some?", and giving it to me.

My guess was that it was either intentional, or hes just kinda a dummy when it comes to context.... but so am i, hence why our relationship was always a little fun to deal with.

Anyway.

Then, instead of just pushing past the nerves and setting myself up for tears by embarrassing myself, asking him, "So is this a date?", and either getting rejected, or mocked, for lack of foresight with the way he asked me....

I thought, "who cares, let's just get all glammed up, so that either way it goes, i get a self esteem boost..... and so if things go well, i can at least look my best if he does actually mention wanting to pursue me romantically when we meet."

I remember the night specifically.

I got back from the library, decided to take a bath with some candles lit, steam going.... washed my hair, did a whole face routine, shaved head to toe, going the full mile.

.....aaaaand then XPatrick had texted me. (He texted me right as i was gonna hop in, of course.)

Suddenly saying that he was gonna be in town for the night, and wanted to see me, grab some food, and just talk.

I was like...... pissed, yet giddy, and all around shocked?

"This nigga waited until TONIGHT to mention, "im gonna be in your city for a wedding", and not any time sooner???? I have a date with Patrick tomorrow and was gonna relax man, whyd you have to cockblock me--"

And still, i decided to meet with him. Since that IS my favorite ex boyfriend, and back then, we ended it on good terms. Genuinely thought i wouldn't fuck him.

Buuuuuuut, i did think, "Just to remind him you've still been functioning while he's been gone, and not crying at night over him, get extra hot to make his jaw drop some."

I SURE THE FUUUUUCK DID, A WHOOOLE SNAAAAACK I WAS.

....yall know the rest that happened, i got my heartstrings toyed with and a dick to the cervix.

And i felt good.

....

It was a bit of an escape from thinking about things.

Or well, i saw it as a, "hes not your boyfriend yet, and wasnt exactly doing the greatest job at wooing you..... don't feel too guilty, you were hanging by a thread and needed one night to feel loved in the way you wanted, by someone that knew you best, and not someone who'd barely know, even if they received a handbook, on all the ways that you like to be cared for by the person you date......"

And the first line, "hes not your boyfriend", was also followed up with, "and he may never be, who knows? you may be getting anxious about him all for nothing".

..........

So the graveyard date had me full of guilt, confusion, and anxiety.

I didn't know if hooking up with an ex the night before would make Patrick feel like shit, or lose interest in me, or feel like i lost interest with him. (Its shocking my interest stayed, even after a night with someone who did all that they couldnt in a single night.... but, it was a night of emotions and sex, and, i still did think Patrick was sweet as hell for the graveyard date.... he mixed two of my favorite things into a single date. Hard not to feel guilty if i think about that....)

......just for it all to boil down to, "He hasn't said anything about us at all. Hes not interested in you. Why are you fooling yourself by thinking he would remotely be interested in you romantically either way it goes?"

Thoughts got jumbled, spiteful words said.......

Its a shame.

......

I was glad he accepted my apology a week or two later.

And that he somehow still went, "Yeah, i like this girl", and gave me a chance for our relationship to try again.

I wasn't expecting that at all, but, i did need to be informed of that too....

And that stands out to me.

......

He's a chill person.

Too forgiving and too much of a pushover, kinda emotionally distant, but those arent exactly terrible traits. No one is perfect.

And.....

Yeah.

I appreciate what we used to be.

And all i can do now is go, "That was nice, it might not be the last ill see of him".

I was hurt when we had our most recent breakup for several valid reasons, but especially at the "im not going to want to see you or speak to you for a really really long time" shit.....

I'm still upset by that.

......

........

I guess if some day, we do hang again, i hope he's less stupid about it

*i hope that i can forgive him, and that the tensions arent too terrible.

I just really dont think i handle breakups well, and would most definitely need an arms length from him.

I got a little too close with him before, and that burned me badly down in the end, once i realized those feelings werent really returned like that.

.....

I just don't think I can trust someone who did this to me after all the intimacy we had with me in his arms and late night talks about whatever. Not to the same extent. And i dont think i could see him as anything else but a previous romantic interest, unless i fucked off for a super long time, or acted like he was just a stranger.

I....

Yeah.

I liked him a lot. And.... if i heard about new relationships or flings or whatnot, or if we got too close, or not close enough, it would just be weird.

The mature route would be "then vent about everything under the sun like yall always used to", but even then.... id either develop a crush, or feel unable to say all i really wanted to say.

I can't tolerate being around those who are entirely fine with disrespecting me in a relationship, but still wanting my presence, as they venture into relationships looking for someone new.

Thats too damn much.

......

Thats all.

4:31am, my sleep schedule is so fucked my guys......

Peace out. Have a good night yalls, to the ones who i know who are seriously really good people.