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atendersun-archived · 3 years

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"People don't love you 'now' because you've 'learned how to be good' or anything like that. You've just finally found people that appreciate you for the person you are and that you've always been. Are you still suffering from trauma and having a hard time really getting to find out who you TRULY are and the person you want to be? Sure. But so are the rest of us. Even if we get mad or frustrated it doesn't mean we're going to stop loving you, or want to hurt you. You are, and always were, deserving of love. Don't forget that."

After all the countless few second long videos he watched on the daily, the terms associated with healing were very familiar to him. Life was much simpler when he lived his everyday life endlessly hoping for the minimum only to accept less than that out of concern of being perceived as either toxic, or too much for not doing so. Being informed by those present in his adult life, or those he listened in on through his cellular device, however, forcibly taught him that he wrongfully tolerated more than he should have for so many years. It was very hurtful to have no choice but face the tragic reality that not only had he missed out on what he desperately wished for as a young man, but that all it should have been provided to him without having to meet other obligations.

For so long, he had just thought that maybe the reason he always seemed to feel like an onlooker of what he ached for instead of being surrounded it in himself was because he may have unknowingly exerted all his chances by crying too frequently as a teenager, or for seeking comfort far too often that there was no more left to give. That was the explanation he provided to himself as to why guilt sometimes lived where forgiveness and communication should have resided instead, and why that did not seem the case for those in his life who were showered in endless affection. Of why he often was left to overanalyze as to why his needs were not being met in the form of jotting down note after note in a notebook who's front cover was fully decorated with stickers, whereas friends of his in the same age bracket were beckoned into open arms for some of the same circumstances that he had to work through on his own.

Perhaps it was because he had been too immature by comparison to them for having a youthful face and interests that bordered on childish more than they did traditional hobbies. Or at least that had been what was told consistently when attempt to build close bonds with people that made it very clear that they didn't want him around nearly as much as he hoped they did. Numerous core memories had been implanted in his brain of instances where he observed from a distance people being treated with kindness by either those that ignored him, or were involved with them by some level of association. One, for example, was how absolutely hurtful the comments and actions directed him by an old friend seemed to be all he was worth receiving, meanwhile a friend who bore a striking resemblance to him had a far different experience with the same vampire. For them, they were fortunate enough to be welcomed into open arms, and presented with kisses to the head from lips he wished provided him with that same level of platonic kindness. Instead, all he received from them were some of the most devastating words that he still carried with him so many years later.

Another, though one that he knew he should have moved on from for having been even more years into the past than the previous, was how heart wrenching it was to be denied only touch, but even just a comforting gaze, when approaching the people he put on a pedestal back in his youth with a secret that he hoped they would have made better just as they did in general by just spending time with him. In a logical, more mature way of thinking, he knew that the emotions behind those he believed to be the closest to him would yell at him, or avoid holding him as if he were something disgusting, or bad, were done in the heat of the moment. The hurt child that still lingered with him, however, was still so deeply impacted by the fact that he seemed to be punished more than protected for something he swore he had not wanted to happen was so integrated into him that when similar attacks on his person were made years later, he no one just in case he gave those he wanted to see him as good more of a reason to think ill of him for continuing to be incapable of protecting himself.

What had only made those times worse for the male who wanted so horribly to be saved, was how even though so many of them had let him down, intentionally or otherwise, he played through the motions of calling out the names inside his head of those that he still held onto the belief would someday care about him the same way he cared about them just as long as he proved himself to be deserving of it. Maybe then, he thought, there could have been arms for him to reach out to when something was scary, or made him sad, and there would not have been any worry over how many times he may have been allowed to do so before those arms refused to open at all for him. By then, his dream of never having to endure something that made him feel alone wouldn't have been a possibility because finally people would have loved him enough to want him around.

Aching for what he wished had always been present for him as a young man who could have very seriously benefited from the stability and security offered by having more consistent people in his life to show him he was worth more than he had been made to believe he was, the man clung onto her and wept for a life he had been deserving of long before it finally arrived. To the best of his abilities, he tried to remain coherent through sobs already at risk of being muffled into fabric, the man attempted to work his way through his woes with her to aid him only with her company.

Caught between something akin to regression brought on by allowing the boy of himself he attempted to hide with little success the freedom to feel unseen, and a man made to feel what it was to merge with the sensations that came with mentally granting permission for it to occur with it in the first place, he tried to speak out the emotions brought on by the rapid movements going on inside his skin to the best of his abilities. To not over explain in the hopes of ensuring that his feelings were given enough reference to be accepted, but to also not become so caught in his throat that his frustrations over being misunderstood, or misinterpreted, would have just upset him even more. In few little words with so much weight riding on them, he asked to her, "The whole time, Neffie? No.. no matter what?"

#cosmicstardreamer #tw long post

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iamonein4 · 7 years

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New Post has been published on https://iam1in4.com/2017/08/trigger-suicide-attempt-making-sense/

TRIGGER: Suicide attempt at weekend and making sense of it.

By bipolaretaeus

To say I’m very disappointed is an absolute understatement. Devastated. I haven’t tried to take my own life for a few years now and thought all was in control, however this weekend it all exploded and I ended up in A&E for emergency physical treatment.

**** I have decided to take out the explicit content originally on this blog entry, after hearing the sad news of Linkin Parks lead singer, Chester Bennington, losing his life to suicide this week. I read about it through an email The Mighty sent to me. It contained a link to how people should write about suicide reporting and I realised I needed to change my content. For anyone interested, the website link is http://reportingonsuicide.org/

What happened

In a nutshell, I have been experiencing a severe bipolar depressive episode since late last year but had significantly improved enough to return to work. I was still experiencing mild low and anxious mood but assessed as fit for work and felt so. However, I started to get really stressed and tired, and I was taking a downward turn again. I told my CPN and saw my consultant psychiatrist a few weeks ago who decided to review me in a month (which will be next week). At that point I felt in control. The week leading to my attempt had been very difficult due to stuff I’ll talk about below. Feelings of hopelessness quickly ensued as I sank into deep thoughts of fear of a future full of illness and the dreadful impact on my family.

Hopelessness is dangerous

In a stupid attempt to unwind and feel better I drank some wine. And then the passive suicidal thoughts quickly crossed over to active. Whether I would have done so without alcohol involved, I do not know. In the past I have without it.

In my mind I was making a perfectly rational decision, based on the idea that I will never get better and that I would be an ever increasing burden to absolutely everyone and therefore they would truly be better off without me. I was in unbearable pain. Feeling trapped and very upset.

Actually I had lost capacity to make this so-called ‘rational’ decision because I don’t ordinarily think this when I’m well. That’s the scary thing.

After being physically stabilised, I was discharged the following evening after a psych liaison assessment. The outcome was referral to the mental health intensive home treatment team and I have received a couple of visits so far.

I’ve just resumed my usual psych meds and taken the week off work. I’m still not right and keep fluctuating but I’m safe. I’m not sure what the next step will be. My partner, and I at times, think I may need to go inpatient. I just don’t know and that makes me scared.

I’ve spent time trying to analyse what went wrong, and these are my thoughts written during more lucid moments.

Reflection

1) Chiefly, it’s a stark reminder to me of how quickly one can move up the suicide scale (from passive thoughts to active which can be seemingly (arguably) impulsive. 2) I absolutely did not have capacity when I did that even though I thought I did. 3) Referring back to number 1) above, I need to somehow work harder on my warning signs. 4) Warning signs may not be obvious. I generally saw those as worsening ‘symptoms’ of bipolar and the BIGGIE factor in the dangerous actions I may take. In fact, for me, I frequently think about suicide as a passive thing but it’s really quite sparse, though it seems to be a default thought my brain explores and not necessarily a ‘warning’ sign, and I shrug it off…. 5) So for me I see that triggers and warnings signs are not necessarily synonymous. Not immediately anyway. But triggers, chiefly stress for me, become a warning sign. I don’t know if that makes sense? So it’s hard to tease apart? But…. 6) I need to realise that I withstand an awful lot of stress, much of which I can’t influence because some things are out of my control. Often I manage it for ages, but I need to be able to assess that much, much sooner, BEFORE it comes even close to the point of going tits up. I need to ask for HELP much, much sooner, before I say, “I’m feeling really quite low because I’m stressed but I’m safe at the moment”. Yes, I may be at that point for a long time, but that can obviously turn dangerous quickly – refer to number 1) etc.

Identifying Stressors

Upon reviewing stressors properly with the intensive team I have identified them clearly. I’ll identify what I think I can do more to help in brackets next to the stressors below, some of which the team have helped enormously with.

Firstly though, I’ll say I thought I had my stressors under control through having a CPN, a support plan from occupational health at work in place, open discussions with my ex partner about our troubled daughter, and talking with a few trusted friends, mainly on the phone though. I was also trying and failing to address my housing and money situation.

What I can do

• Daughter suicidal and self harming – Very upsetting and scary (Keep fighting for CAMHS support and making sure they are effectively liaising with school, which I’ve realised they haven’t) • Same daughter constantly in trouble at school – very upsetting and frustrating (Chasing the meeting I requested a couple of months ago to better identify her needs/ways to manage more effectively – as what they’re doing is not working) • Same daughter temporarily moving to her dad’s in last few weeks – upsetting (tried to address this, need to all talk about this properly now as starting to go on) • My resentment towards partner as shouty at children hence partly why daughter went to dad’s (tried to address this – but be more assertive and now understand it’s not all down to this)

Be more assertive

• Feeling helpless with above (be more proactive, consistently keep on agenda, talk more and therefore be more assertive) • Me returning to work after 7 months off. (Missed CPN appt as slept through – make sure not to do this and if I do to respond to rearrangement more quickly) • Chucked in at the deep end with work (although raised, not properly followed through – got on with it. Make time and be more assertive) • Being in significant debt due to sickness and rent too high. (See through discretionary housing payment application, see through application to social housing register – ask for help with this, consider application for consolidation loan) • Less social interaction due to job and sleeping in between to recuperate, leaving little time for fun. (Make sure I have face to face interactions with friends and family – make plans for this, balance it and respond to calls and texts, balance with sleep, don’t just sleep for fear of exhaustion) • No exercise (walk!) • No holiday (utilise weekends away to wider family as that’s free) • Dog dying (can’t change that one) • 7 month DWP fight for PIP reinstatement resulting in having to face a tribunal (won) (can’t change that one – did well!) • No outer family support to come day to day (can’t change easily but may be able to work on this if I can bring dad and partner together to solve differences) • No time for me and partner alone (can try to ask friend or dad to look after children occasionally – maybe hard, but try) • Waiting for treatment for ADHD and medical review for bipolar. (keep making sure it’s done ASAP – have done as much as I can right now but keep on it)

Other things I can do

• Finish personal wellness and recovery action plan (WRAP) both for work and at home (there are 2 plan templates) • Talk to line manager very frankly • Establish better sleeping habits • Don’t spend too much time on social media • Don’t make everything about mental health

Any other ideas, thoughts and opinions, positive and/or negative would be welcome?

I’m still feeling fragile and the featured image describes it a bit. However, I think I’m glad I’m here to write this and see things more clearly now.

I didn’t mean to hurt anyone

I’m feeling ashamed, guilty and embarrassed. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone and although there’s still a part of me that wants to give up I’m doing my best to rationalise it and keep trying hard to pick it all up again. I’ve done it before and I’m trying to remind myself of this.

After all my past experiences I have become well again and achieved a lot – most importantly taken care of my family who I love dearly. I have valuable relationships with wider family, friends and colleagues and I know deep down that life has its fun times. I just need to accept (again) that bipolar interferes with this at times but not ALWAYS, as it feels now.

On a final note, I am including some suicide prevention advice below taken from http://www.reportingonsuicide.org

Warning Signs of Suicide

• Talking about wanting to die • Looking for a way to kill oneself • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose • Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain • Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs • Acting anxious, agitated or recklessly • Sleeping too little or too much • Withdrawing or feeling isolated • Talking about being a burden to others • Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge • Displaying extreme mood swings

The more of these signs a person shows, the greater the risk. Warning signs are associated with suicide but may not be what causes a suicide.

What to do

If someone you know exhibits warning signs of suicide:

• Do not leave the person alone • Remove all firearms, alcohol, drugs or sharp objects that could be used in a suicide attempt • Call a suicide prevention hotline: See the following link for hotlines across the globe: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html • Take the person to an emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional.

Reach out to someone

If you are a person feeling at risk, please reach out to someone. You may feel past this point and not want to, but please please try. You’re not alone. You can ring the hotlines, a loved one, message on a forum (or follow their guidelines for help), go to the emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional.

Easy for me to say and I haven’t (clearly) always practised this advice. However there have been times I have, and if I haven’t reached out but managed to keep safe it’s because I use the following coping method. Try to promise yourself to keep safe for x amount of time, be it 24 hours, 1 hour or even each minute, then when that’s up try the above or make yourself another promise.

You are important. Someone does care. Help is there even though you may need to find a little strength to push for it. Someone can wrap you up safely to help you through this.

Much love, B xx

Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: Suicide Attempt

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