#this was also supposed to be a redraw of a totally different drawing but. Lmao

[keeps-ache]

there's music playing in my head

[rawbins-undertale-blog]

l decided to remake an old drawing where I imagined how all the six souls would look! (Had it not been a redraw, everyone but Integrity and Kindness would look different....)

Anyways, old version + comparisons + me rambling below the cut

The full original artwork! The anatomy is... uh... certainly something, that's for sure!

Here they are side by side

So, I've improved a whole lot!

The old one took me 3h 35m, had a total of 8232 strokes made and was made 14th May 2019.

The new one took me 6h 28m, had a total of 18577 strokes made and was made 19th June 2021.

So yeah, I definitely put in more effort into my art now than I did before lmao, 10345 strokes are one hell of a difference (and???? I took like 3 hours less in the past???? Damn I was SLOPPY and it REALLY SHOWS lol)

The colours in the old one were... lacking, to say the least, and it all looked incredibly weird. I think I managed to pull off the light and shadows pretty well in the new version though! I also have a better grasp on, you know, skin tones. In the old one, everyone was not saturated enough AT ALL and I barely had a grasp on how light worked. I'm still not 100% happy with how it turned out now either (Patience looks especially off to me) but I'm done and not gonna fix that now ^^"

My anatomy before was lacking at best (and WHAT is going on with those FEET????) and I really just DID NOT know how to draw the human body (Bravery's arm for example, that thing haunts my nightmares), AND I refused to look at references on top of that (why was I so stubborn about that jfc). I'm pretty sure I drew this originally to practice drawing different body types, and I know what I was going for in all of them, but I didn't know how to draw fat or muscle at all so that didn't go very well lol, at least they didn't suffer from same-face syndrome too bad.... Because I didn't know how faces worked either what is GOING ON with Bravery's CHEEK?????? Actually, what is going on with Bravery just in general????

I tried not to change the character design too much, because it's supposed to show my improvement by showing art of the same things, but hsjhdsjhjfhds...... I had to improve some of them!! The character designer in me couldn't contain itself!!!! I'm especially happy with Justice's design, they look awesome now ngl

Anyways here's my ranking of my old drawings (best to worst):

Kindness, Perseverance, Integrity, Patience, Justice, Bravery

Ranking of new drawing (best to worst):

Integrity, Kindness, Justice, Perseverance, Bravery, Patience

If I remember correctly, I believe they identified as...

Patience - girl

Bravery - boy

Integrity - girl

Perseverance - non binary

Justice - boy

Kindness - girl

but I've decided that they are now...

Patience - girl (uses she/her pronouns)

Bravery - boy (uses he/him pronouns)

Integrity - girl (uses she/they pronouns)

Perseverance - non binary (uses they/them pronouns)

Justice - non binary (uses they/she/he pronouns)

Kindness - demigirl (uses she/they pronouns)

Also kindness gives me MAJOR aroace vibes, so that's what she is. I've also decided that Patience is also aroace. You can't stop me.

Also, ages:

Patience - 12

Bravery - 16

Integrity - 17

Perseverance - 15

Justice - 16

Kindness - 17

... And yeah, I may or may not be simping for my own art of Integrity Kindness and Justice what're you gonna do about it-

(also I'm 16, don't call me an adult simping for kids that's, uh, that's a big no-no)

Anyways now I've rambled for like an hour sorry bye <3

[stillsolo]

for the first in a while, I'm gonna ... try to take it easy, today.  

I actually have a lot to do but I really need to chill the fuck out for a second and take a breather.  my OCD's made my life remarkably difficult lately and I've begun to disassociate in order to cope.  I know disassociation plays a key role in obsessive-compulsive disorders; I know my OCD's fairly severe and it's been getting worse as I get older, but I'm not...usually this bad.  Even when under stress.

for example, a batch of 200 commissioned banner icons suddenly turns into 400+, and I'm still not done because I can't stop keep remaking them.  

oh, this one's coloring is off. but these frames are split second to each other ... can't have that, gotta redo 'em. 

 wait, the pixels are...'weird' looking in the corner, here.  rejected.

this one could've been cropped way better.  how could I expect them to use this?

why is this one in the 'final version' folder when the border around it overlapped a part of the icon?

I need to redo these 73 because the shadow is too dark and blocky beneath the icon.  it’s supposed to be a fade.  it’s what they ordered and you’re not giving them what they asked for. 

someone's paying you for this shit get it TOGETHER

yesterday, my OCD got triggered about 3 times?  I have a couple of forms.  I had a breakdown in front of my mother after she came home and asked me if I ate and I know I must've made some kinda stupid face that gave it away because seconds after she'd asked, I realized I didn't know what the hell ate other than the toast she'd watched me eat before she left for work at 9am.  It was 11pm when she asked.  

I also had mini-breakdown while talking to my customer and it was terribly embarrassing.  I got a nosebleed to top it all off too lmao  ( i'm so sorry if you're reading this, john omfg you've been the best to me and I'm sorry because I'm sure all you'd wanted was icons to rp sdfkjsd )

but I just. 

All of my friends think OCD is just me having high ass standards or just being 'know-it-all'.  I've been called that all my life.  In fact, I've been called that by friends I thought would never say anything like that about me because I thought we were friends

We live in this new age of 'awkward is cute'.   It's hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy and quirky.  and there isn’t any better way to declare your individuality and weirdness than branding yourself 'so OCD' about something.  

Ahaha.

I fucking loathe people who do this.

OCD isn't a quirk or a set of tendencies.  It's not fucking buzzf.eed list, not a little buzzf.eed quiz you can take and readily relate to the results; it's an incapacitating, isolating disease that makes you afraid of your own mind.

If my friends could see, just once, what it's like for me, when I'm caught in an obsessive-compulsive loop, maybe then they'd finally understand me when I say ''''it's bad''''.

Even Something as simple as drawing a line-art from a sketch turns into a complete and total nightmare.  8/10 times, I'll redraw the line-art like — hm, I don' dunno — about 7 fuckin' times in a row, then, delete all of it because IDK, it wasn't 'right'?  ( Who am i kidding; I do the same with sketches ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ  )

Oh, yeah, for sure.  Me and my ‘high fucking standards' did this.

NO.  No one in their right mind would do this.  They wouldn’t re-draw the same fucking drawing 7 times in a row and the same layer style over and over, not even changing things up to maybe get some progress.      Nobody.  Jfc.

And oh, god, that moment when you realize, it's been more than 8/9 hrs since you began and you haven't eaten or drank anything; you don't remember the last time you looked at your phone or what the hell happened to the time because last time you looked, it was 11am and now it’s 9:48pm.

Moreover, you made exactly zero progress on your project — because IDK — there’s no valid reason?  JUST COULDN'T STOP HA

I never thought I would talk about this, but uh, Y'all know how much I love han.  I want Han to be seen in the best light possible.  while SW has been one of the few things that have held a light in my life, he's helped me become a better person in more ways than I can articulate.  and no, I don't mean I suddenly started picking trash up off the highways.

I mean, by writing him in this amazing place filled with people I don’t have IRL who share my interests, I’ve met so many new people, friends, learned so many lessons, about characters and life and writing.  

When I began writing Han, here, I had just learned what present and past tense was in English.  I was winging my writing, trying really hard to understand.  English isn't my first language.  In Cantonese, my native language, there's no such thing as a past tense.  

By writing Han with you guys, I've taken huge steps in life, without even realizing it. 

So, everything I do for han, I want for it to be good.  

Not outstanding, and definitely not exemplary or nonpareil — just ... good. 

And icons — haha.  I love icons.  I love and hate making them.  similar to my writing, I work very hard on his icons.  ... but I need to learn where to draw the line.  

I once remade an icon 23 times before I was happy with it.  ( i had 23 versions left in my folder lmao ).  like these here?  10 versions of each, in the least. 

( the last one is kinda an exception... I think.  I made that one well over 25 times, for sure.  but I think it's because I'm not accustomed to Blaine's coloring yet. ) 

Wow, this really turned into a long post.  I don't really care, though.  My OCD is something that has always been completely ignored IRL.  Shit, it's ignored by even my online friends.  I can't even game online without one of them thinking I must get off on establishing my superiority and overall knowledge of '???’ game.  Haha.

'Show me your build?' :D 'Er...nah. I think I'll pass.' 'Why?  What's the matter?' 'You'll pick it apart.'

It's never considered 'advice' when it's from me.  It's me as a know-it-all, as someone who looks down on others for not having up-to-par stats. 

I'm sorry I did the math for you so you wouldn't have to.  This is simply advice you're free to toss aside, but it's not like it matters.  Even if I reassured that—you're already too annoyed to listen for any longer.

So, I’ll also apologize for how I can recall faction modifiers, body part modifiers, critical hit and stealth modifiers, as well as debuffs; how a certain amount of damage of one type turns into inflicted damage to a target while considering type modifiers and armor, and knowing the damage formulas needed to calculate the number of hit points required to kill an armored or unarmored target, with or without a finisher multiplier figured in — because I want you to do the very best with your weapon of choice, even though I can name 5 different weapons that utterly outclass it by tenfold. 

In reality, I never had much of choice.  Information like that doesn't stop looping in my mind, even at night, when all I want is to sleep.

Sometimes ... I wish I could be that one character on a comedy show who has a quirky disorder or ''OCD'' and everyone seems to love him for it because he's funny when he does it or he's generally helpful 

More often than not, my OCD just ruins everything.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I need to take a breather.