#though i suppose maybe i could put two main areas on the bottom? didn't think of that til just now

[timegears-moved]

when we get totk dlc (because it's inevitable) it's like such a small thing but i hope we get more customization options for the dream home

[haretic]

Present Day; 30/06/24 | Present Time; 1:53am

public pools

went back through my old diary blog and found some truly insane ramblings. i've always had a major amount of imposter syndrome about my issues so seeing it in retrospect, while disturbing, was really helpful.

some of the active psychosis ramblings were pretty funny though. I'm not sure how i get it in my head that i'm dying a painful death or that i'm actually an angel or my brain has been uploaded to the internet (that which is now true to a certain degree)

but still

i prefer this current blog, other people can actually see my posts here, and even if i don't expect interaction or anything, its helpful to know that someone, somewhere out there, even if its just Angel (who will never be a "just" in any other sense but in this case the sentence structure requires it) can all see my posts and i am not truly alone

because are you ever truly alone when youre on the internet?

its as scary a though as it is a calming one, and while i do think the internet is (for the most part) dead, its still nice to see other peoples puttering about in their own niches.

idk. just my evening thoughts

of more thoughts. I'm not sure the guy i like likes me that much. He seems plenty interested in me, but i just don't know if its in that way. my friends say yes, but i dont want to jump the gun and ruin things. we were friends before this and i'd hate to not go back to it afterwards.

we're going to hang out tomorrow. he got an invite from a friend to go somewhere also and he said if i wanted to come along i could but if not he wouldnt go. i said no and if he wanted to he could still go, i didnt want to be the reason he missed out on anything, and he said it was okay because he could always go later in the day.

i know that was objectively a good answer, i'm not sure i should expect anything more, but i'm always looking for someone to say "no! you're enough for me! if you don't want to, we won't go, together". which is an extremely selfish thought.

one of my biggest flaws is my selfishness i feel. i always want more than i've got, and feel empty without it. I know thats ridiculous, i'm working on it. We'll hang out tomorrow and i'll enjoy it. He's going to introduce me to his cats. Or cat, because one of them is shy and may not want to say hi.

i'm talking to him now, prying into his personal life. i want to know if he has a boyfriend. i feel like he does? i don't know though. i started writing this as a distraction so i wouldn't just do nothing in anticipation of his attention. really i don't know if this is a crush or craving closeness. i like to think i've gotten better at being by myself, and being alone. but there are still loads of times i crave closeness with someone. sometimes that can't be helped. but i've felt like this for a few months, longer than those relapses into selfish want usually last. but then again, i don't even know if he likes me back. we'll see i suppose.

i've been thinking a lot about the pools i used to go to as a kid. there are two, i drove by one today.

the outdoor one was smaller, it has a diving board, and its got this giant shower right near the entrance, as well as showers in both washrooms. they've got grassy areas for you to lay out your towels and stuff, but they've also got a massive greenspace that holds the toddler pool (a small hole in the ground that holds maybe a half a foot of water. i used to lay in it and stare up at the sky in it. just enough water i was always wet but i didn't have to put in the energy to float). for whatever reason they just won't connect that area to the main pool. one time my brother drank too much water and threw up there. he had had a massive mix of soft drinks at the airport earlier that day before my dad had landed in from a flight. at least i think those were on the same days, because i think thats part of why he was sick. i remember trying to touch the bottom of the deep end, near the diving board, and i remember jumping off the board. it was so daunting as a kid, but when i went back a few years ago, it seemed like barely a hop. i remember going there with my childhood bestfriend (someone i no longer talk to) and i remember burning my feet on the hot concrete running back and forth ignoring the no running signs. i remember getting sleepy and insisting on my mom to cuddle in the water. i always felt safe there. i could crawl right in her lap and the water was like a big blanket. i wish she had held me more in there. i remember playing mermaids and all the other typical kid things there. its a happy memory for me

the indoor one was much bigger, they had lanes and more fun splash pads and a slide. i remember how the stairs felt all cold and grimy and sandy as i jogged up them. my legs always hurt after it, but i had fun. the showers here were massive. for some reason old women would get absolutely butt naked there. it was only one wrong 90* turn to see ten fully naked grandmas lathering up in the pink soap out of the wall dispensers. i'm not even sure they ever even went in the pool. i remember a birthday party my other and much older childhood bestfriend had there. i got a little chihuahua toy as a party favor, and i slept with him every night for ages and ages. i remember playing there with my friends all the time, but it was never the outside pool. games there could be more fun, there was much more space, but there was always such a lack of natural lighting. either way, its also a happy memory for me

regardless of the pool, i always remember the showers. i had this habit of bringing the little hotel shampoo and conditioners to these things and showering fully with them. i don't know why i did that, i suppose i thought if i was going to shower i should do it properly instead of just a rinse. i'm sure nowadays i wouldn't care, but it was a whole procedure for me. i had to do it otherwise the pool day wasn't complete, and otherwise i felt sick

i have a lot of weird procedures like that, though. i guess thats normal for me. i like them, i don't find them harmful, i don't mind indulging them. i don't see why some people think its a bad thing. some people just like to keep organized, thats not a crime is it?

either way. i'm going to bed now, he's not dating anyone. i relapsed earlier again. i look forward to seeing him tomorrow. i hope hes interested in me. i don't plan on making any moves until i can see him in person and maybe reassess his feelings to me, but for now i'm just excited to leave my house for the first time in a week and actually see other people. i'm stoked.