haretic

[haretic]

missed the birthday of this wretched thing. heres to a full year of unfiltered access to my emotions and nauseating introspection about my childhood. hope to be here and dump whatever comes to mind for years to come <3

[haretic]

dear diary,

nine months ago, i made plans to kill myself today.

nine months is a long time. enough to grow a whole human inside you, give or take a few weeks.

and i suppose thats what i did.

i have grown something inside me.

something new and different.

something i'm not sure about.

i'm not the same person i was back then. i'm happier, my life is better. i'm more loved.

but it still doesn't feel like enough.

nine months ago, i made plans to end my ageing. i don't want to grow up. i hate getting older. i can't handle it well. i never have been able to.

my whole life has felt like it was never in my control, like the time was so fleeting and so unmanageable that i'd never make it through life without constantly being stuck in the past.

in many ways, i still am stuck in my past. i try to move forward with grace, embrace the changes, embrace the new experiences, embrace what getting older means.

but i still cry over everything i've lost. so much of my life was lost to other people. so often it doesn't even feel like its my life anymore. it just belongs to others to take from as they please.

i know that isn't true, because i've grown.

i know that isn't true because theres a new person inside me who wants to live, nine months in the making.

but i still mourn, mourn for myself and for everything i lost and everything i could've had.

the best i can do now is raise myself to have everything i ever lost.

[haretic]

ive been swallowing my own vomit for three days now and its only getting worse as i get closer to 18. just three and a half hours. i was supposed to be dead by now but i am no longer the person I was nine months ago. i still can't handle my age, but i know that i'll make it.

[haretic]

Hey are you okay? You haven’t been online or posting for 3 weeks and I’m really worried I think about you frequently even though we are complete strangers to each other and I hope you’re okay 🫂 if you see this please take good care or yourself and I hope you achieve great things in life💗

AWE this is so sweet! <3

I have been okay, I'm sorry to worry anyone!!! I just haven't taken many pictures or done much art worthy of posting recently, and work + school have been taking up a lottt of my time. I swear I'll be more active soon!!!! I graduated recently and have only got a monthish to go for school before I'm out for good so I'm mostly working on getting that done with the best grades possible :)

feel free to shoot me a message if you're ever worried! I always check those even if i'm not posting as much!!!!

[haretic]

beautiful beltaine / mayday celebration with @pestilenceboy 🦋

on a day of rejuvenation and love, i'm so glad i got to spend it with you ♥️

[haretic]

modern witchcraft is celebrating beltane by smoking a cigarette because you can't light candles or have a bonfire and its a phallic shape ✨

[haretic]

Welcome Spring 🌼🐰🌼

[haretic]

i can't get the thought of relapsing out of my head but i know if i do i'll go overboard and i can't do that to the people i love. so i will sleep instead

[haretic]

i had a very intense dream last night that i was cutting myself again. i had a new blade, a sharp one, and each time i cut through my skin my breathing would turn heavy and i'd giggle giddily, pausing to admire my work: the blood pooling down my arms, warming my cold skin, hot on my tongue, the smell of it invading my nostrils. the splitting burn in my arms where the new gashes rest, sensitive to the touch where i ran my fingers over the valleys.

but i woke up. almost too soon, i was just getting to the good part.

the stinging was still there and my mouth still tasted metallic, i was giggling and ready to leap up out of bed, to cover my crimes from everyone else, but there was nothing on my arms. even now, hours later, my arm still stings but there isn't so much as a scratch on me. strange how the brain works, isn't it?

[haretic]

my mom just spent twenty minutes going on about what a failure i was and how i would never amount to anything and i have no right to be upset because i know its true. i'll never do anything right, i'll never commit or get the things i say i'll get done done and i won't ever amount to anything. i'll fade into nothingness and i'll always be the child that disappoints her.

[haretic]

i got to see my friend today, i think he's the closest thing i have to a brother besides the one related to me. we had a lot of fun.

[haretic]

i couldnt stop staring at s couple on the train. they were old and happy. their shoulders were touching. the sun was behind them snd they were smiling

[haretic]

im seriously not in the right headspace to work. i've been clutching the edge of a dissociative psychotic episode for days now and i can feel myself tipping over the edge and don't even feel like me but i need this money so fucking bad i can't not go

[haretic]

pre-work smoke and cry with the pigeons

[haretic]

thank you for the tag darling , here are mine ♥️

this was so fun!!

tags ; no pressure!! @pestilenceboy @pwettysoul @lizzysmessythoughts @youmissedmyhearttt @morphsaint @a-lonely-sunflower

Thank you so much for the tag, darling @artemis-melody

I loved this tag game, I loved it a lot, super creative and fun, I felt like I was going on a 100% blind date.

Pinterest is setting you up on a blind date, search the following and post the results: fictional character, date, gift, outfit, dessert, love quote.

No pressure tags: @iintertwinedsewntogether @auntiejohn @cowboylikemily @spiderbte @haeerizm @wish-i-were-heather @we1rd-girl @yumclaire @sweetascherrypiie @doegirldaydreamerarchived @fwrails @jellybeanshotshit @swanerotica @chxrrybxmbi

[haretic]

still one of my all time favorite songs ever since i heard it nine years ago 🐇🐇

[haretic]

whats your fav kind of flower? :3

OHHH i have a few...

My favorite native flower is a bleeding heart, and fav local flower tree are magnolias <3

I also really love dahlias and peonies, but they wrent native to where i live :(