#thw lights are fucking hospital bright

[niktheniknik]

We moved to our new apartment on Saturday and right now I'm sitting in the toilet room with a back pain and vaping since it's the only room that doesn't have a smoke detector, this new apartment is so fucking cold i fucking can't guys, I'm getting sicker by the day and I'm predicting to wake up tomorrow with a fever :'( this shit sucks ass

[ratsntophats]

Personal

I doubt anyone will read this. I doubt anyone will care. But at this point, i need to get this out of my system. Im not looking for pity points. Im not looking for someone to give me anything at all. I just wish things were easier.

This year fucking blows. I know i know, i always try to be the optimist. Open minded, life is what you make it, yadda yadda. But honestly, there is a darkness in me too, and sometimes i just have to embrace the inevitable. I can't always be bright. I cant always feel hope. Right now i feel buried in the ground with no understanding or motivation to get back up.

Lets piece this one thing at a time.

January. January was pretty cool. I was in love with a girl and a boy, taboo I know. But i thought i was happy. I thought WE were happy. But i guess i was wrong. I was naive. I only saw what i wanted to, i guess? Anyway. In January we all went to Colorado on vacation. It was relaxing, it was fun. We eat, we got high, we saw new places. We even scouted out where we might want to move in a few years, a school we might want to attend. At the time I wasn't totally sole on this plan. Moving halfway across the country is a big deal. But no means did i think this event would bring about an end to my false happiness, the love i thought was reciprocated, from the girl i dumbly wanted to marry.

February comes around. The break up. Out of the blue i get a text. "We need to talk". I was at work when this happened. My heart sunk. Without any warning, or prior talks, i knew. I knew she had given up, somehow. I tried to convince myself that i was overreacting. Of course this wasnt what she wanted to talk about. But i retreated into the office, haunted by fear, anxiety, doubt, and confusion. I cried my eyes out. My voice came hoarse on the walkie system when my coworker tried to find me. He tried ro console me, but i couldn't explain. How could i tell him that i was dating her? She didn't want anyone to know. The entire relationship it killed me inside. I wanted the world to know that this beautiful girl was my girlfriend but she wanted to hide. She was ashamed of me, i guess. Of us. How could i explain that i thought my "roommate", who worked at the same company nonetheleas, was breaking up with me?

After a long, painful shift i returned home. We waited. She wasnt home. We waited. It wae last midnight when she returned to "talk". She explained that she had to talk to someone else first. Someone else she had just met and barely knew. She made us wait, in utmost confusion, until the middle of the night, for HER to explain what this"talk" was about.

"I think we should break up." I couldn't handle it. In one of my weakest moments, heartbroken, I ran outside the apartment sobbing, wandering the streets alone, in my PJs. I don't know how long i wae gone. Eventually we came back. More things werw discussed. I wasn't fully there, not for a while. Even after, i wasnt myself for some time. I don't know how i let it hurt me this bad. But i truly loved her. My dumb self loved her and watched her hook up with the random guy i was never supposed to worry about. It was over. She was never proud of me, of us. For all i know it could have meant nothing to her. And now here i am, almost a year later, still thinking of that beautiful girl.

The awkward month continued. I, luckily, started a new job which kept me busy. I was so excited to make a difference. I felt so proud of my first salaried job.

I was proud. Until, fast forward to months, shit hits the fan. On April Fools day of all days I get on the wrong end of a dispute with one of my clients and am shoved head first into a god damned TV stand. I have never seen so much blood in my life. I was rushed off to the ER, and found that i had broken multiple bones in my nose and cheek, plus a huge gash where i landed. I spend the night in the hospital. The next day, i am cleared to rest at home.

2 weeks of recovery go by slowly. I get a lot of messages of concern and well wishes. I return to work briefly, only allowed to do light office work. Then, i take a month long hiatus to recover from a surgery that fixes my mess of a face and protects against potential future damage with titanium plates. I am now a cyborg.

The next few months flew by, filled with stress and me trying to overcome my trauma, having to see the client that hurt me every day, having to walk into the room where i was hurt. I saw a therapist for the break up and post accident combo. I was a mess. I felt true fear for the first time. I didnt understand it and i didn't know who i was or who i had become. I felt ugly and unwanted. But i pushed myself to go to work, i pushed myself to face my fears. My work life improved so much that i no longer had a home life. I even went to work in my dreams.

Months went on like this, saying goodbye to old coworkers and hello to new ones. I strived to become better, but the job was eating me alive. I no longer felt that overwhelming fear i once had. Instead, i started to feel less and less. I wasn't myself. In fact, i hadn't been myself for quite some time. My passion for the job faded, though my love for my clients will always remain.

November. The kicker. I continued to search for jobs to free myself and make my life my own again. I had several mediocre interviews. None of them felt right. Then, i happened upon a job i truly wanted. A guidance counseling gig. My field. I spoke alone with the school principal and actually enjoyed an interview. Honestly, this was the best interview I've ever encountered. I left the school in such a good mood, excited for my future, buying my colleague donuts and coffee on my way back to the office. Though i had to work late that night, it was one night i didnt mind.

Two days later, i received a voicemail early in the morning. "I'd like to extend an offer of employment to you." I returned the call immediately after my shift, an excitedly accepted my first school counseling job! One that i had been fighting for for 5 years! Trying to be respectful, i spoke to my supervisor shortly after and gave my two weeks notice. I thought i was doing the right thing. I felt terrible for making things difficult on my colleagues, but i wasn't about to turn down this opportunity. This was my time to shine.

November 13th. I was supposed to start November 13th. The principal had informed me that i would hear back from the charter school HR in a few days, that they would be sending me over paperwork with salary information and so on. A few days passed. Nothing. I called the school, the principal was unavailable. I was told they would have him return my call. I gave them some more time. Nothing. I called again, but this time i was met with confusion. "Mr. P no longer works here." Completely baffled, i asked for more information and was told the new administrator would contact me as soon as possible. What had happened? What the heck was going on? I tried to stay optimistic and gave them more time. Still nothing. Eventually i was able to get a hold of the new principal who explained his hands were tied. He was fully aware of my situation and haf passed along my information to HR multiple times. I just had to wait for them.

I waited. And waited. Spoke to the original recruiter that contacted me about the job several times. He didnt know anything. His boss would contact me, he said. So i waited. Finally i received a vague email of some HR personnel asking for a good time to speak over the phone. I was able to clarify that this was one of the people I had been waiting for! We set up a time to talk and i anxiously waited for her to call me with my new salary and details on my start date.

She called, but not about that. This was an interview. A what? A interview. I had to continue to interview for the position i had thought i had already accepted. There was some weird ass miscommunication going on. But i went with it. Once the call was over, i just cried. I had been waiting and waiting for someone to give me more information, and now they had left me with even more questions?

Later that week, i think, my timeline is fuzzy, i received another phone call for ANOTHER interview. I had to interview once again for the job i thought was mine. I went, hoping for the best, but my stomach in knots. Once there, i was told to fill out an application. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? i filled out thw stupid paper and was eventually ushered into the woman's office for the worst interview of my life. I'm not kidding. I had the best and worst interviews in my life within one month FOR THE SAME FLIPPING JOB. The lady stonewalled me for over an hour. Seriously. Question after question after question. I lost myself. I couldn't answer so many of her specifics and the silence of my not knowung was killing me. I wanted to die. To top it all off, she asked me why i left my previous job. Are you serious? I was honest. I told her that i had accepted ths job from the principal and was due to start. No comment, no apologies for communication. She didn't even bat an eye.

And then it was over. I left and returned home, a wreck, on November 13th, the same day i was supposed to start working at my "dream job". Two days later i saw the job posted again on indeed. It still haunts me to this day. I never heard from the stonewall lady, or any of HR, again. Who knows where Mr. P went.

And here i am, nearly a month later, jobless, essentially a hermit, drinking a bottle of wine in the shower before crawling into bed and sobbing. Okay, it was like a 1/4 of a bottle. But still. I'm a mess.

Ironically? I was offered another job. Im going to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But i dont want it. I don't trust it. I actually didn't officially accept it but i think theyre trying to get me by all means possible. A marketing job. The people feel nice, but it feels sketchy. How sad that the idea of a new job makes me break down into tears. How do i know its mine? Do i even want it? What do i want? I dont know anymore.

This became far longer than expected. Perhaps I'm overdue. I wonder what the future holds for me.

[stitchthebratprince-blog]

I had a dream or vision with you a little while ago. You were on a hospital bed and you were just waking up. I thought it was a wish dream but it wasn't a wish dream but more like a vision.

You were on a hospital bed in a hosptial room and i was siting down in a chair, the tv was on, i had a book or magazine in my hands, but i was looking at you. You looked the way you do now at the mortuary except the bed was on an inclined position. You suddenly moved and you opened your eyes. I rushed up to your bedside. You were moving your eyes and i said, "you're back!" And the first thing out of your mouth was, "the babies don't need me anymore." I was starting to get upset and i said, "They do need you." I started to cry and said, "I still need you!" "No you don't," you said with a smile but with sadness in your eyes. I started to shout with tears in my eyes, "Yes I do. We all need you. Please come back!" Theb you looked at me smiled and said, "ok, bye!" And disappeared in a ray of light. Like you got beamed up. I was still there for a bit. I said, "Momma?! Momma?! Momma i am sorry please don't be mad at me! Momma?!" And i woke up. I got the babies up so i could take them outside. I cleaned up their mess. From the night before. They were good today. I opened the curtians. They felt so heavy to me. The one in the back the new ones feel heaviest. It felt like i was trying to part the seas or break a mountain and doing all of this by hand.

After that i just started to cry. I cried so much. I just wanted to drown in my tears. I want to die. I closed my eyes and cried. I forgot were i was i just collapsed. I want the world to swallow me whole. I wanted to just not be. I cried out for you. I let myself go and for a moment and drop to thw ground but i got stopped. Something held me up. For a moment just a split second i thought my prayers have been answered and you were here. You were back. I opened my eyes expecting to see you there. I was happy relieved. Everything bad was just a bad dream a bad idea and you were still here and you were going to grab me to hold me and i can just erase the past month but it was a ladder i had not gotten to put away just yet. Everything just came flooding back and everything bad was new again.

I started to cry again and louder this time, but Grande, damn that girl, started bark loud and jump and run around like she was looking for what was making me cry and all of the other babies started to join in like a choir of fur angels. It was fucking annoying. It just cemented what is my reality now.

I cry. I cry because my body needs to know. I don't feel the sadness like i felt it before or in other instances. My mind is still in crash mode assessing the situation trying to solve the problem. Running the scenarios like a computer till an optimal solution with in the time frame can present itself. But my soul i don't feel it. I don't feel you gone. I picture my souls looks like a child and it is holding a bright red string. Its holding it. It shows it to me and it says, "it still here! Everything is still ok cause its still here!" And it tries to cut it but it wont break. I am still so disconnected from myself the world but not from you. I love you, ingrid. Please don't leave me momma. Come back i promise I will be good. I will make it worth it for you. We will do all of the things and get everything on your list done... just please come back to life. Please just for me... dont be dead.