#tl;dr i lost my horse and im a wreck

[icyhotheartwritings]

Pet death/incoherent grieving ramble

Loki passed away Tuesday night. It doesn’t feel real. I mean, we just celebrated his birthday - our birthday - three days before. He was fine. He tried to buck me off a couple weeks ago. He was sprinting around acting a fool when mom got Waffles out without him not a day before.

He was only 22. We were supposed to have years left. Years. I was expecting at least 28, hoping for 30 or more. I never expected to lose him so soon. He was so healthy, I did everything I could, every supplement he could possibly need, vets and farrier and anything he needed, he got.

We were training for a show next month. I was working out ways to cure him of not wanting to ride alone. We had plans to ride with people. We had a whole show schedule for the summer. I was going to build trail trial obstacles. We were going to conquer the fucking world. And now he’s gone. Just like that.

The worst - and best - part was… there was nothing that could have been done. It wasn’t a case of if we got there an hour or two earlier, gotten to the vet sooner, he would’ve been fine. There was nothing. There was no hope. When we got to the vet they were talking surgery, then said it was too bad for a referral, then she got the bloodwork back and he was gone. Suspected internal melanoma that killed his digestive system, or something similar. Wasn’t a gas colic. Wasn’t something that could be healed.

Some incredible stranger helped my dad bury him next to Dreamer. Dad buried his peppermints with him, every piece he could find in the tack room, like Dreamer had his butterscotches. We’re buying wildflower seeds to scatter over them.

The morning feeder bought some plastic flowers and taped them to his gate with an led candle light. I cried.

I swore that Loki would be my last horse, that I couldn’t go through the pain of losing them again and again like Star and Carrots and Quinn and Dreamer but I was supposed to have more years with him and I don’t think I’m done yet. The barn owner said his stall is mine, that I can take all the time I need to find the right horse and I think I’m giving it a couple months before I begin to look in earnest. Nothing could replace Loki. But he never replaced Carrots. And Carrots never replaced Star. And I know I can love another horse, but I just… I need time. There’s two BLM mustang auctions in about four months. I might go. Waffles is a mustang. He’s a good horse.

These past 6 months have been. Absolute hell. I’ve lost a cat, a dog, and Loki. Almost lost another cat, it’s a fucking miracle we still have him. But Darcy and Loki were not even 4 weeks apart. It’s been a hell of a March.

With Snarky and Darcy, at least, we knew it was coming. We had warning. Snarky had cancer. Darcy was old and sick. They were both old, older than they had any right to be. But Loki was young. And it was so goddamn sudden.

When I’m hurt and grieving, I don’t… show much outward emotion. I’m the rock for everyone else. I hold it down until I’m alone and can let myself cry. For him, I screamed. I fell to my knees and I screamed.

It feels like a piece of my soul has been ripped out of my chest. Torn out, pulled apart, and the pieces set to light. I loved that horse with everything I am. I hope he knew how much I loved him. He was part of me. All my animals are, but he was special. He was my baby, my everything. I thought he was dead during the big fire, the last thing I heard before the cell service went out was that my mom couldn’t get to the barn and my horse was trapped, and all I could think was that I wanted to run down that burning hill and join him. But we got through it, both of us, together. We got through everything together. He’d always be there for me, he’d wrap his big head around me and hug me as I held onto his neck and he’d let me groom him while I prattled on about this and that. And now I have to get through this alone and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

I don’t know how to end this post. I miss my horse. And I don’t want to go to work at the barn tomorrow and see his empty stall with the breakfast he didn’t finish.