#tldr put some respect on midnights' name!!!!!!

[yantao-enthusiast]

the midnights era is so underrated. i'm not getting my revenge. i'm not hopelessly in love. no, i'm staring at the ceiling, know that once i fall asleep tomorrow will start but with my weary consciousness, i'm left with the thoughts of everything i've ever done. there's such a comfort in this subliminal space in this barren time. there's no one to judge me except myself. that one person i dated and never talked to again, do they ever think about me? i hear the crickets chirping while i'm crying in the bathtub. i hate my body but it's the one i have. actually, the world we live in is such a beautiful place and it's so soft and full of wonders that wouldn't exist without its quirks. when i was young, i wanted to be a dancer. i wonder what she would think of me now. she's still here, in my heart. actually she would probably hate me, like everyone else rightfully does. all i do is hurt people and every bit of my kindness is complicated and calculated. do you think about me? do you think about how you hurt me with your complicated bullshit before coming back like nothing's wrong? do you stare at the wall, wishing you did something different just like me? actually no. fuck you. fuck you and fuck everyone who ever hurt me. i'll ruin your life and you'll never know it was me. i'm hot shit and god the bathroom mirror makes me look so sexy. i'm going to put on a sparkly dress and dance because you don't deserve my sadness. oh shit wait i'm in love. that's terrifying. it's delicate and confusing yet so effortlessly simple. okay back to fuck you. i don't even have to do anything. that's how much the universe loves me. that's how much kindness and love is in my heart. oh also i love this person so much. they love me. they don't expect anything from me. they're like the blanket wrapped around me in the darkest hours, keeping me warm, keeping me alive. oh yeah i also orchestrated this person's presence into my life because that's the only way i know to get people to love me. but they know that. and they love me all the same.

oh look it's 3am now. how the fuck did that happen. god remember the time we were going through it? yeah but we had each other. i'm sorry for hurting you, pushing you away during that time when we were both struggling. you just wanted to help. and you did. maybe i'll tell them in the morning. would that be weird? maybe she'll get the message telepathically. man what if nothing wrong ever happened to me. i'll never be that girl. i'll never be the person i would've been if everything was normal in my life. fuck my life. oh right i'm in love. love this handsome fella. he makes me have vivid hallucinations about being in paris. i mean who need to go to paris when i got my baby with me??? who needs to pay attention to anything else? actually. this is really off topic. i cheated on someone once. yes i know i shouldn't have. but i was dying, stranded in a loveless land, and he saved me. yes i shouldn't have cheated on you but maybe you should've loved me. this relationship was a mistake. i didn't mean to love you. but i did. i'm in your arms and i don't remember how i got there. it's wrong. it's right. i never wanted this. nothing else will ever be as good as you. oh god i'm 19 all over again. with just one glance, i'm transported back into that time when i ached with every step, begged for just a piece of you when you're the one who looked at me. i wish i could go back. i am back. i just can't change anything. you have stolen a piece of me i will never get back and it's been so long but you can never get over the pain of losing yourself. but you don't have to worry about that, right? because you never gave anything. just like you'll never give my girlhood back. i wish i could keep anyone else from feeling that pain. i want to tell them all what i've learned from all the years i've been hurt. but why should anyone listen to me? i'm still a wreck, still figuring it all out, shouldn't they get advice from someone who actually knows how to navigate this messy existence? does it even matter? i'm in a state of paralysis, forever wondering, unable to get closure. it's too late. every midnight.

[sorrymomandcat]

Wed. November 6 2019

12:21AM I need a new lighters 

8:09AM 

I woke up with that feeling. 

Surprisingly not tired. 

I might be after I cry. 

Goodbye past.

4:33PM I'm starting this in my car on my anxious pressured 'break' at the ever busy Budapest. I'm gonna not. Brb.

4:55PM Okkkk, I’m going to be real with you.

I had a lot of clever ways to open this conversation but I have forgotten them since sitting in my Ferrari having not 1, but 2 smokes. You ever feel like you’re chewing on your own teeth? No? Good, that means you haven’t smoked meth for the past 255 days. To be clear- Cobain, Lampwick & The Joke are all synonyms for a former co-worker. Although the same person, they’re sort of not #mentalhealthawareness. TLDR; the more evolved part of me really hopes this guy is just a mean, jaded fucking asshole because the alternative is that they’re deeply psychotic and likely the permanent kind. Both leave little hope for improvement but the former at least KNOWS that. KNOWS I know. I could do a whole bullet-point slideshow fucking presentation on the red flags I had been seductively blindfolded to through exploitation of deepest nature and a stubborn unwillingness to accept pain and anger & I just might. I might. I might need to! I processed most of it as it was happening, denial was a bitch though. If you come from a place of; neglect, abuse and chaos but decided to assess your damages rather than project them on to innocent and typically pretty wonderful people.. then you need to equip yourself. Even if you took the more outward approach, leaving everyone in your path as empty useless collateral damage.. you could benefit as well. Tell yourself 'I’m only self-improving to gain further access and a tighter hold of my victims’ It doesn’t matter. Educate yourself on the impact of trauma/abuse/upbringing. See what happens to you. @ me. 

5:53PM There’s a lot of Construction Boyz here tonight. They hit on me and I’m all like ‘omg I smoke crystal meth and I’m in an over-sized hoodie at work with obviously contrasting roots growing in.. you have no idea how much I needed this’ hahah. Still, it’s nothing quite like the validation I get from making humble jokes to myself in my neurotic head! Where was I? Oh yeah. The Joke; Lampdick. This motherfucker fucking pulls out a REAL LIFE meth pipe, Chief Leaf right there. Of course CL is through-n-through up to date and real time a best friend without judgement, so it doesn’t reflect on me, but I’ve been fighting tooth (lol) and nail against obvious (but not blatant) disapproval toward this endeavor with Joke.. (of course gaslit with remarks like ‘fuck the haters’ ‘you’re really going to care what they say’ ‘it isn’t their relationship’ .. you’re the hater.. they treat me with consistent respect so duh.. you’re absolutely fucking right-it’s ours-and it fucking sucks because you’re an abusive psychopath.. shove that isolation groundwork technique up your) ? No respect. To pull out a fucking meth pipe after:

Day 1 appreciating we had a different DOC (drug of choice) and agreeing that use needs to be controlled in the best harm reduction sense possible & I firmly disclosed that I am 100% in no fucking way ever going to be okay with anyone-ever smoking meth near/with me. I still barely forgive the fuckers that ever let me do it - and I know full God damn well it was my choice/fault/willing action. I barely forgave myself! For letting them let me! Or that I even let me let them do it! So. No. It was immediately made clear. Day 1.  

Throughout this treachery The Joke made here-and-there comments about like “pass it this way” and “why don’t you save me any” and other repulsively ignorant and juvenile comments and my stance toward the matter remained firm. Which he always met with “yeah I know! I’m obviously joking! I agree! I would never do that to you” Like I was crazy for hardening my responses. Fucker, fucking fucker.

Seeing/hearing what I have vulnerably shared and experienced since the first day I made this choice (and I know not everyone who has/will make that choice is going to have MY experience. I’m not claiming that. I’m claiming ‘I don’t give a fuck what another person’s experience may be - I am not fucking here for it’ - ‘it’s a no from me dawg’ 

Knowing how desperately I am trying AND want AND try to want (some days it really do be like that) to stop smoking crystal. To end-all repair the damage it has done to myself, my relationships and my life. To prevent the inevitable damage that waits if I don’t. 

Not to mention all the attempts at ‘crazy making’ by exploiting my guilt and fear of potential harm: caused by crystal meth. ie; “you’re definitely sleep-stealing my keys and/or moving things because YOU’RE smoking crystal meth, and that shit is BAD bad + your traumatic childhood,’ (that he doesn’t give a fuck about unless using it against me in similar scenarios) ‘so come on. You can’t deny engaging in these behaviors, that I refuse tell you about. You meth-trauma black events out.. you’re not conscious of it because of YOUR big bad drug.” (which it is and I don’t intend to downplay it)

Seriously. These are real events & that’s just scratching the fucking surface. Note: this blog intentionally has NO followers and is ran anonymously. My intention is only to self-vindicate the man made madness I've enabled. Yet STILL it manages to drag into a month and a half of my God damn precious and OBVIOUSLY seriously fucking sensitive time. I feel NO shame for that; for struggling right now. For falling the fuck on my ass/face/faceassfuckhands onto a SERIOUSLY cemented floor! that manages to also be falling upwards into my fucking face! So instead of ceasing upon impact; continuously bashing my fucking FACE in. It fucking happens man. I fucking know that and I fucking own it as shamelessly as is safe to. Not as a way to justify where I am right now - but to foster a belief that I am worth the insidiously meticulous effort that's required to be better. In a better position to improve the quality of how I serve myself and thus actually beginning to serve those around me. Jesus shit what a Joke. I can’t believe I let myself: be treated this way, be ignorant to it, be willing to entertain the idea that maybe it was OK (even warranted).. but between you and me: I find it even harder to believe that another human being - one who has clearly been deeply wounded as well - can see the genuine sincerity of another human being’s soul and heart.. compulsively bleeding from a profundity raw enough to captivate a nihilist.. and humbly exposes it.. with nothing but purity in the regard of inherit human good.. and could intentionally stick their dirty fucking arms vigorously inside and tear at the exposed gauge made faithfully available. I’m not innocent here. But there’s no blood on my hands. I won’t point my fingers but my eyes are staring right at you. I know what you did to me. I did not agree to it. I agreed to taking the risk. Do you know what you did to me? Educate yourself. Wash your fucking hands. 

I didn’t bring any crystal to Budapest today. I didn’t know I was going to begin opening this, or I would have.

= I’ve got to go for a smokes. 

That’s enough for now. 

7:55PM I don’t know wtf but Doug offered me to get stoned and so I did outside but the guys who needed to switch rooms came back and then outside too because they insisted on my break.. Golf was looking for tape and offered me a Tim Horton’s, I said hot chocolate. Then Striped Vest guy also forever chatted and offered me a Tim Horton’s; I said hot chocolate. Still no tape and I tell him about Striped Vest and hot chocolate. He says ok. Meanwhile, Doug and his friend Chevy Lover are shooting the shit too and Doug asked for my number. Well first he asked if I was single. He asked if I was dating anybody LOL first of all I’m stoned and second of all the literal words out of my mouth were ‘everybody’ sincerely believing it as a reflection of my innocent love for life and immediately realizing that was a stupid answer so on reflex I said “no, myself. ha ha no. nobody. nope. that’s a. this guy who was my boyfriend died once. like a long time ago. no. weird. yeah it was wicked. wait what? why? but no. I don’t. not.” and I’ll never forget that or this hot chocolate. 

8:03PM Golf asked me to put his poppy on (dude you’re 51, you’ve definitely done this more than me and I HATE war) so I asked him like, when the war was and what it was called - “Oh no, I don’t know a lot about history” meanwhile a second ago he was like “I guess I should put one on because my Grandpa fought in the war” no that was you. anyways so I’m learning about WW1. You say you remember so much, name 5 of our veterans? #therealneverforget 

Disclaimer: I still haven’t read anything about it, I’m sorry to all relatives of dead soldiers I deeply condolence and RIP. No disrespect. We out here.

8:07PM Damn I really wish I had another hot chocolate.

8:39PM How is it not midnight?