#to me s7 feels like one maybe two months 😭

[septembersghost]

frank says, quit. dean says, that’s not even an option, i’m not walking out on my brother. i think, baby, you’re going to die and leave your brother in his grief for decades...how is that better. you never had to leave each other or separate anyway. that’s not...the conclusion to draw. it wasn’t hunting keeping you together...screw destiny. we do have choices. he said that himself. those heavy moments of silence as the weeks pass without bobby, at least they’re together. sam has no idea what that weight is going to be.

(the closed captioning when sam is talking to krissy calls him “dean,” what happened there?)

dean encourages krissy to quit. (i love krissy sm, the best wayward girl who wasn’t even one...) tells her she can go to college. or even that she can do both things. (hunter/pediatrician.) he tells lee, quit. you’re doing this for your family? quit, for your family. she’s 14 years old and she’s already killed something, “what do you think that does to her life span?” god. at fourteen he’d already been inured to this, thrust into this, for ten years, and he never glanced at himself the way he can see and value the potential in this one girl.

krissy teasingly calls him an old man, he is only THIRTY THREE, find me wandering a cliffside

“It's nice to walk away from someone and feel like they could be okay.” 😭 

he fakes that incandescent smile because frank told him to, but also because of course he does. he’s done that for years. we’ve seen him do it. how many times did he have to do it? he did practically to his last breath. i think that’s why there are so many gifsets of him genuinely smiling, because everyone wants to hang on to the moments when his joy, however fleeting, was real. the fact that he could still feel it so spontaneously and unreservedly speaks as much to his strength as any physical capability ever could.

i remember many broad strokes from this season and so few of the small details that i’m beginning to question whether i actually rewatched it in its entirety? (i must have, right? i keep thinking and saying i rewatched everything before S10...i used to rewatch during the summer and at some point i stopped doing that, but obviously unreliable chronic fatigue brain has eroded more than i thought it had...or were S12-15 so frustrating and traumatic that they obliterated my own memories? i loved S6 more than i recalled and now S7 is having the same effect. is it the bias of seeing them alive and trying again? the remainder of S3 and then S4 and 5, all of which i saw after 15x20, were as powerful as ever, maybe with a newfound clarity, despite everything now being tinged by grief and even sharper edges, but those seasons are always like going back home, even if home sometimes is frightening and sorrowful and makes me cry, it’s comforting and familiar too. as a poet once said, if home is where the heart is, then we’re all just f***ed. i’ve sat through four season finales in less than two months, which means that song has played four times since november 19th? uh. the descent into madness is steep, hell is empty, all the devils are here, dreams unwind, love’s a state of mind...)

dean tries to open up to eliot ness, because dean is always seeking connection, understanding, validation, attraction, emotional support, mirrors, and people have the audacity to say he’s r*pressed (yeah, i’m censoring the word here bc i’m that annoyed at it) when he sits in cars and spills feelings to complete strangers due to his nature and empathic need to associate. eliot ness is as unhelpful as everyone else he does this with (and i adore this episode, as has been previously established, but!)

Boo-hoo. Cry me a river, ya nancy. Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future? Everybody loses everybody. And then one day, boom. Your number's up, but at least you're making a difference. So enjoy it while it lasts, kid, 'cause hunting's the only clarity you're gonna find in this life. And that makes you luckier than most.

no wonder, it’s all no wonder

(time after time has so much in it, i could go on about it and its themes, and the fact that he gets to be a genius and beautiful and dress up and get overexcited with history/movie references, i’ll restrain myself, but even in 1944, they make fun of his enthusiasm. why is everyone else so lacking in hints of pleasure? where did dean even develop his humor? it has to be one of the most endearing and authentic things about him, and it’s totally his, and next to no one appreciates it, so this is something he cultivated and enjoyed on his own? he weaponizes it against the terror and brutality on his own? his defining capacity for love is such a combination of factors - inherent, nurtured, instilled, drilled into place, chosen, violent, tender, selfish, selfless - but the humor is simply a dean thing. how dare all the rest of them not cherish that constantly in the midst of all the bleakness t b h.)

chronos: “i know your future.” dude...they defy that future like they do so many others, and if there’s anything to take from ness’ little lecture, we have to believe that makes a difference.

edit: this quote of Jody’s... :(

It's weird, huh? It's like their life's a big puzzle. You just keep finding pieces of it scattered all over the place.

as a final note, in the previous episode, frank says to an exhausted dean, “you look horrific.” he and i have VERY different definitions of that word, because dean literally looks like: