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17 Ways To Predict The Future That You Can Do For FREE (#8 Will Have You Shook - And I Should Know, I Totally Saw It Via Augury)

It was 8.57pm on a Wednesday night. I was sitting on my bed, waiting for the microwave to let me know my lasagne is ready, and that’s when I first heard it.

Silence.

Day 2 of UK lockdown was nearly over, but the tidal wave of boredom - and the consequential existential crises - was set to hit the nation at any moment if it hadn’t already.

Amazon orders of ‘watercolour kits for beginners’ had surged, YouTube workouts I’m pretty sure were filmed in some murderer’s basement were clogging up YouTube's trending page, and returning to the dark side of Duolingo was filling the days of my fellow countrymen.

Whether it’s not being able to work, losing your job, or being sick with the virus yourself, people across the globe are on the hunt for new skills, hobbies, and how-to’s on filling the 24 hours.

The thing is, your next hobby (the one you will inevitably ditch once you realise you have the artistic ability of a dented tin of tuna) will probably require items you can’t scavenge in the home you’re currently self-isolating in.

And God forbid the skill you decide to take up includes making self-expressive sculptures about your childhood with toilet paper.

Why not take up a skill that doesn’t require paint pots you will inevitably spill on the carpet and lie to your landlord about? Why not occupy your time with the occult, instead?

Of course - you should become a fortune-teller!

With 44 methods of predicting the future available and most of them requiring, well, nothing - or, at the very least, a handful of beans and maybe the odd animal sacrifice - trying and testing methods of seeing need not use up your time, nor the scraps left in your cupboards.

And once you’ve fulfilled your destiny as a prophet, why not let us know when this pandemic will be over?

But before you’ve even learnt to read palms, and before you’ve even considered how Mercury’s retrograde will affect the heaviness of your next period, you should probably find out what the methods are, and which ones you can do with half a tin of bins and the protein powder from last year when Love Island shamed you into thinking you weren’t good enough.

(Bro, you totally are.)

That’s why I’ve decided to guide you in the next step your spiritual journey. Or at least keep you busy for the next 79 minutes. And given the current state of the world, the latter is far more precious.

But before I launch into the 17 different ways you can trace out your future in self-isolation, I thought we should actually know what fortune tellers are.

A Brief And Totally Ironic History Of Predicting The Future

*pushes glasses up nose*

Fortune telling is defined as the principle of predicting the future events of someone’s life. There are many different types of the practice and the people that predict the future, from those that practice divination (which involves rituals to see into the future), to fortune telling (which takes place in a less formal setting and is far more symbol based).

The latter found its feet in the Renaissance era, and was firmly planted in Romani culture, explaining why gypsy fortune tellers are the most prevalent image representing the art. In fact, it was ol’ Nostradamus that made his name in this period.

Michel de Nostrodame was a typical 16th century Frenchman.

Only he spent his time working in apothecaries, predicting the future, and writing down what he claimed would happen. In total, he made 6338 prophecies and 11 annual calendars, and it’s one of these prophecies which has become rather relevant to 2020.

That is, it predicts the end of the world. And it’s kind of coming true.

Nevertheless, the once forbidden art of predicting the future has been founded in our cultures since ancient times.

Astrology was the OG, setting the trend that would spark the uncountable practices currently in practice. Those that could predict the future - whether from their own abilities as prophets, or using systems as clairvoyants - had a strong political stance as prominent advisors.

Obviously, the role has lost respect over the years.

However, the practice faced their greatest amount of opposition during the Enlightenment era as reason began to prevail, ditching superstition. Once it had become, like, so uncool, it became cool again in the 19th century alongside the rise of Spiritualism - AKA dead people can talk to us, k - which tied the capabilities of mediums with those that could see the future.

This was the root of popular culture’s current approach to today’s soothsayers, a relationship sealed with the New Age culture of the 1960s.

Getting your palm read, or having a flick through some tarot cards became a tradable commodity during this decade. And an odd 30 years later, the term ‘psychic’ officially hit the scene.

Psychics were people that utilised ESP (Extra Sensory Perception) to identify extra sensory information we normal mortals can’t quite detect. Often, this involves telepathy or clairvoyance to assist in their predictive skills.

So - are you ready to join the ranks?

*Throws sticks onto floor to find answer*

Here Are The 17 Ways You Can Predict The Future Even If You’re In Lockdow

Aeromancy

Divination that uses the weather to predict the future

Go outside. Look up. Look for symbols in the sky.

Boom - you’ve just practiced one of the oldest forms of divination to man.

In less stuttered terms, aeromancy is the practice of seeing symbols in the weather that point you to what’s happening in your life right now, and what will happen in the future. Most of these practices rely on this symbolism, and thus have a few explanations for certain types of weather-based events.

Not only is this one of the simplest - and least costly - ways to predict when the lockdown will end, it also makes you a bad bitch. And that’s because it was one of the forbidden arts in the Renaissance period.

Once you’ve discovered your inner rebel when getting your daily quota of vitamin D, you might wish to specialise in one of the sub-types of this art: you can investigate storms, peruse wind patterns, stare at the stars or keep it simple with clouds.

Astrology

Divination by the movements of celestial bodies.

Okay - this one’s gonna take some reading.

Finding out your horoscope these days is as easy as mispelling ‘Gemini’ in google and hoping you don’t end up on a website dodgier than that kebab you consumed 3 days ago.

(Just hasn’t quite settled in my stomach, yet.)

Astrology is a pseudoscience - that is, it mixes sciences and the supernatural - which studies how the position of the celestial bodies impact events here on Earth. It might be mocked within an inch of its life, but it's figured prominently throughout history.

Going back to 2BC, this has designed the basis of our calendars and our seasons. Historically, cultures have assigned vital importance to astronomical events of note. And now you can too!

Astrology these days focuses merely on horoscopes as astrologers believed those born around the same time of the year when the planets were aligned in a similar way had a lot in common and thus had certain personalities. From there, individual predictions created in the forms of charts were brought to the table.

Finding your chart might be a simple feat thanks to the internet, but interpreting it? Whole ‘nother ball game.

And that’s what you’re going to do for the next 3 hours!

Numerology

Divination via numbers

As with all methods of divination, numerology has a variety of sub-types held to its name - but the basic definition is the practice of assigning spiritual value to numbers. This typically focuses on numerical patterns.

One of the more basic methods of seeing the future, numerology is actually more anchored in our culture than you’d expect. Pythagoras - yeah, that guy that forced you to spend two sevenths of your teenage years obsessed with triangles - even followed its basic principle, claiming numbers were a universal language offered by god(s) as a “confirmation of truth”.

Triangles, man.

This started with the Ancient Egyptians, who believed life was made up of cycles of numbers, and that harnessing those cycles was how you could discover your key to success. Their fundamental claim was that each individual number has a personality, for example, the number 7 is the thinker or the searcher of truth.

By deducing key facts of your life with numerology, such as your date of birth, and what you should do on the different days of the months, navigating your future via numbers is your next hobby.

Augury

Divination via the pattern of bird flight

As I write this post, I am following the UK government’s guidance to only go outside once a day. You’d think that this would restrict access to this form of fortune-telling, but if you can get to a window, you’re ready to forecast major world events.

Birds have always featured prominently in cultures, with many belief systems claiming the animals are messengers from the gods and can even transcend the borders of heaven. This means if you want to try your hand at augury, you will have to consult ancient texts which outline the patterns you need to be looking for.

And there’s a lot of patterns to look for.

You could be investigating how fast they fly, you could be interpreting the movement of their flight, and you could even be considering the way birds eat if you chuck a handful of grain on the floor.

Evidently, this form of divination is best practiced at Brighton when you’ve got a bag of chips in one hand, and an unknown meat-like substance in the other.

Automatic Writing

Divination via writing

This one might be the easiest to do - but it's the most difficult to do right.

Pen? Check. Paper? Check. Access to the inner thoughts of spirits surrounding you? You’ll need all three to correctly practice this form of clairvoyance.

Many believe that otherworldly beings essentially write through you in this process. So, clear your mind, take a deep breath, and let your hand be guided.

Bibliomancy

Divination using books

Another simple form of fortune telling, this requires you opening a book to a random page, reading the paragraph you feel drawn to, and interpreting the message the gods are clearing letting you in on.

Bibles are the most popular book used for this practice, but any ol’ book will do.

Ceromancy and Capnomancy

Divination using candles

If, like me, you have a minor addiction to candles, this is the perfect pastime to enjoy the pleasant experience of burning a candle and predicting your future.

The former requires you asking the, uh, candle a question, pouring melted wax from a candle into the water and interpreting the shapes of the cooled wax to find your answer.

The latter involves the interpretation of the smoke of the candle. As this is measured in the same way as interpreting the clouds, you can follow the same principles of aeromancy here, too.

Palmistry

Divination via hands

One of the most famous forms of telling the future, palmistry follows several simple principles and practices. You can read hand shape, you can investigate line reading… And the options don’t stop there.

From more general observations of your own, to more specific divination, all it requires is a hand, and a guide to reading that hand.

Scrying

Divination using mirrors or crystal balls

It’s the official mascot of telling the future - but you don’t need a crystal ball to master this art. In fact, using a mirror to open a portal to another realm and contacting the spirits is far more common.

It’s also far more dangerous due to the potential for negative spirits to cross the barrier into our realm. In fact, that’s how Bloody Mary really made her name.

You can read more about her story here.

Favomancy

Divination using beans or peas

Are you a selfish prat? Were you one of those people that panic bought everything in my local Waitrose, and left shit all for that old guy who just staggered past me?

A - fuck you. And B - this is your new hobby!

All you really need to tell the future is a can of beans, and an open mind. With its origins in the Middle East, by dropping a handful of beans or peas and interpreting how they fell, you can see how the next few weeks might just pan out.

It might follow a complex set of rules, and it might follow very precise principles, but nevertheless, it can help point out the favourable and unfavourable signs for your future.

Haruspicy

Divination via liver dissection

This is by far one of the simplest methods of fortune telling - trust me.

First, you sacrifice an animal to a deity of your choice. Second, you reach into its corpse, and rip out its liver with your bare hands.

Then, you sever the liver into several parts based on deities of your choice. From there, you’d investigate it for signs from the gods based on size, shape, colour, and texture.

Signs interpreted, messages understood, future predicted.

*drops mic into small intestine*

Iching

Divination via yarrow stalks and Chinese coins

This might be the most complicated method of divination on this list, and this might cost the most as you try to get yarrow sticks by next day delivery, but thanks to websites offering to carry out the process for you virtually, finding your future might actually be the most effortless.

Harness the power of ancient Chinese divination via the I Ching (AKA The Book Of Changes) and the principle of cleromancy, the production of random numbers to determine messages from the divine.

This ancient Chinese manual is based on 8 symbolic trigrams and 64 hexagrams which are interpreted in terms of yin and yang...

Okay. I’ll be honest.

I don’t really know what’s going on.

There’s some vegetables, there’s some loose change involved, there’s more yin and yang references than the first day of Coachella… All I know is you find a website that does all that for you, and you ask it a question.

Moleosophy

Divination using the moles on your body

Live in an urban area? More chance of seeing a fox hump a Chicken Cottage box than the Big Dipper?

Then why not try your hand at reading the moles on your skin?

This system of divination assigns significance to your moles, allowing you to interpret the marks on your body as warning you of your future. And warning is the right word.

Got a mole on your throat? You’ve more chance of being beheaded than Damien’s family members in The Omen. Freckle on your nether-regions? You’re a god-forsaken whore.

There’s many more meanings left to be unlocked - and hopefully not all of them are negative attributes about yourself or your death.

Oneiromancy

Divination of dreams

Ever wondered what that dream you had, you know, the one with Gabriella from High School Musical saying all the old people should just die from Covid-19, cause, like, it’s inevitable, actually meant?

Well now you can!

With more online guides and overpriced books offering to analyse and interpret your dreams for you, accessing your subconscious and predicting future events has never been easier. But you will need to remember what actually happened in your dreams.

Fuck.

Cartomancy

Divination using cards

Couldn’t get Prime delivery on your tarot cards? Have a knack for solitaire?

Pull out your pack of playing cards, and use ‘em to guide your future. There are many rules you need to follow, but it’s a good way to practice your divination skills before you move onto other oracle based cards.

It even follows the similar principle of tarot, with each card having a different meaning, e.g. the 8 and Hearts represents an unexpected gift or a visit.

And if you give up, just play a game of Clock Patience!

Scapulimancy

Divination via bones

Still got the carcass of that animal you slaughtered in the name of your chosen god/goddess?

Good.

Reach into the body, and pull out the shoulder blade bones - aka the scapulae. Examine for messages and markings from your chosen god/goddess, and jot down the future events you predict on your calendar.

Then, check out your council website to see which day they take out the sacrificial goat bin.

Tasseomancy

Divination using tea leaves

It’s the pop culture representative for the occult, making its name in the Harry Potter films and leaving us all with the vile experience of coughing up tea leaves into your morning.

It might be one of the most accessible forms of fortune telling - especially as it is primarily based on symbolism and your own interpretation of the messages your favoured god has left in the dregs of your hot drink - but tea leaves must be used for this practice.

Tea from tea bags won’t have the same effect.

Which One Are You Trying Out Tonight?

Leave me a comment and let me know. Or will I know already?

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