#today's dog was my foster brother's girlfriend's service dog

[random2908]

me: I'm not a dog person.

my little sister: What are you talking about? Dogs LOVE you.

me: That's not what that means.

my sister: It's the important part. Who cares how you feel.

[furfur83]

Damn this day...

Today has been an absolute shit show in regards to my depression. I had to talk to a pastor about my brother in order for her to get some insight into what to say about him at his service. This also meant bringing up my cousin who she will also be doing a service for at the same time. Hang onto your seats kids cause this gets dark fast.

I had nothing good to say about him. Not because he was an inherently bad person, but because he was a product of his childhood. His mother (my aunt on my dad’s side) and father (he left her eventually) both are deaf and his mother is somewhat blind but with surgery and glasses she can function. Anyhow, he came to stay with us for a while with his younger brother when I was a teenager. The youngest of the two was an absolute doll. He was so loving and caring and young enough he didn’t really seem affected by the trauma the two of them went through. His brother, the oldest, on the other hand was traumatized in the worst possibly way. My mother kidnapped them from my aunt because of the abuse and neglect she found out was going on. She was awarded temporary custody of them. The first night we had to bathe them 3 or 4 times to get all of the filth off of them. This led to the discovery of scars and fresh burns. The oldest had the most. In the process we found out about how my aunt and her boyfriend had them breaking into houses through basement windows (because they were small) and letting the adults in to rob places for drug money. When my cousins did not comply (one incident in particular my cousin was afraid because the house had a big dog in it) they had their feet set on fire, were burned by cigarettes and locked in closets and food was withheld from them. My oldest cousin was bearing the brunt of the abuse. This had been going on for quite a while. After the bathing and getting them into clean clothes, we had a big dinner. I remember there were biscuits. And I remember the two of them eating like they hadn’t had food in years, stuffing biscuits into their mouths so fast they were nearly choking. I died a little that night. Watching them, seeing what they were like, it was almost as if they were feral. I had no idea my own family was capable of such a horrendous thing. Children being treated like that. As bad as things were in my house sometimes, it was nothing compared to what they went through.

Over the time they stayed with us, I became super close with the youngest, I begged my mom to keep him until I was 18 and I would adopt him. He was a little angel and I loved him so much. But the oldest showed really strange behaviors and was not adjusting to living a normal life. Things got too serious for my family to handle when he started actively trying to kill his younger brother. My mom had the youngest staying in my room to sleep at night and the oldest with my brother. On one occasion the oldest came into my room and tried to smother his brother with a pillow and acted like it was nothing and he was “just playing”... I was terrified. I didn’t sleep at night. I watched the youngest like a hawk and was terrified he would kill my brother so I snuck into his room several times a night to check on them. Eventually with all of the other attempts to hurt his brother, fights at school and the other behavior issues, my mom had to make a choice. We let the state take them. My mom said it wasn’t fair to keep one and not the other. I was devastated. I wanted to keep my youngest cousin so bad. I begged my parents not to let him go. They took me to meet his foster family (who eventually ended up adopting him) and I said my goodbyes to him. The oldest ended up in a mental institution until he was 18. I don’t know much else except he got into drugs, moved back in with his mom when he was 18, tried having a friendship/relationship with his brother but ended up ruining his brother’s relationship with his girlfriend and they had a huge fight and he died from an overdose. The youngest apparently cut all ties with his real and adopted family and changed his name and moved away. That’s all I know. None of it is good.

I don’t associate with my aunt, I have no love for that woman. She sent me and my son Christmas gifts this past year through my dad. Again, I could care less. What she did to my cousins, allowed to happen to them, is unforgivable. The oldest should never have gone through any of that and he became a monster because of what she did. The youngest should never have had to be sent to foster care and adopted. Our family should have been able to take care of both of them. But she made that impossible through what she did to them.

I went to counseling tonight, and in talking with my counselor she mentioned how much abandonment and loss I have experienced in my life. I realized that I had never mentioned this side of my family before with her. I was keeping this one locked away for a good reason. I loved my youngest cousin so much. Much like I loved my little brother, like they were my own children. Until I had my own son, I had no idea that the feelings were that of a parent, but they were. I have always been a mother. Since I was a small child. Since my mom put my brother in my tiny toddler arms. And I have lost many “children” over my lifetime besides just those I miscarried.

I also realized I have been through quite a bit more than the average person. If this is what she thinks now, this is really just a couple layers deep. So far I’ve only talked about what I’m comfortable talking about. Like the ocean there’s a depth even I can’t reach within myself since I’ve blocked out and forgotten a good amount due to a seizure (or just my bipolar brain, not sure which to blame yet).

Not sure where I went off point, but after dealing with talking about my brother and my cousin, I had an MRI. The one I’ve been waiting for. The results are still a few days away but it’s done and I hope it shows something to explain my pain. I also had to cry a lot in therapy and that seems to be the norm now, but I’ve also been trying to work on arrangements for after the service for my brother and cousin. We may have found a place that will give us a room and cater for 40 people. So that’s nice. I hate that it’s the last thing we’ll do for him though. I know we can have celebrations of his life later, but people will become numb to the purpose eventually and it will fizzle out. So it will end up being me and my closest friends only one day. People will forget Jimmie. I never could, but others will. Not being morose. Just being realistic. And let’s throw in a friend request from a family member I don’t know on Facebook. (I have a huge family so not knowing one of them is pretty common in these parts) I don’t need anymore family around me, especially ones I don’t know (tbh I’d rather if it was ones I don’t know it be the two sisters I have but they don’t know I exist, another long story) but I added the family member anyway. Let the nosey look around. Can’t hurt can it?