#tricorn on the cob watches Felicity and makes inane commentary

[tricornonthecob]

Will someone please get this boy a Xanax

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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"Jesus Christ why do I keep doing this fuck fuck fuck fuck"

Mom-Friend Ben is having his daily aneurysm a little early today

Yes its supposed to make him look slovenly and he's a dickhead but if his shirt were clean, this is just the Slutty Historical Novel look.

you know maybe if your first interaction of the day wasn't immediate and unprovoked violence, the horse might be more inclined to working with you and then you wouldn't have such awful buyer's remorse.

Finally, a task that Ferrari was actually bred for!

You ought to be more mindful of the chaotic good and lawful neutrals hanging out in your weed gardens before you go yelling things like that, Nye.

"No, Felicity, I was trying to not die."

The Ben/Felicity ship dynamic is The Anxious One That Survives To At Least Act 3 Of A Horror Movie and Absolutely Zero Self-Preservation Instincts. Also girl what the fuck is going on with your bangs.

"Girl what the fuck are you talking about that's a domestic animal that wasn't even feral"

Yes, that's a valid point and an important Life Lesson, but I feel like there's a better and more immediate way of introducing to her the concept of Consequences In Horse Theft. Such as "Hey did you know this is the 18th century and what you're doing looks exactly like Horse Theftin' and the punishment for Horse Theftin' is probably death by hanging hahahahahahaha I knew."

Also like, can you image. "I disguised myself in your clothes so I could trespass and steal a horse, then brought you to the scene of my doings instead of just telling you outright, potentially implicating you in crimes punishable by death."

...Felicity did you not just see the horse run away. Did you hear the part about "Give the horse to anyone who can ride her" and stop listening to all the parts about him saying "never come back," she's probably safe from that rn.

"Neither are all the people your family enslave, but that's another story."

That is the look of "...I really. REALLY. Don't have the stomach to be the punishable-by-death crime secret keeper."

And that is the look of "Oh, Goddammit, I'm about to be the punishable-by-death crime secret keeper, aren't I."

"Go down to the creek and buy it off the Dutch pirates!"

what the fuck is she huffing.

wow way to interrupt an outrageously shippable moment. Christ this really is the superior ship.

Annabelle you do realize adding "Forbidden Romance" elements to the ship only makes it stronger.

Felicity I love you but your ADHD-ass is so dense sometimes.

"We are going to die on this hill with all the social awareness of a bitchy potato."

She's a loyalist to you.

When the fourth graders debate politics on the playground and it gets dramatic.

she's either highly amused, screaming internally, or a little day drunk. Maybe all three!

awwww the loyalty themes!

"Bitsy!"

"Oi, fuck off, yeah?"

[tricornonthecob]

Where were we? Right! Billystown!

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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[Felicity continues ignoring]

You know I bet Felicity could single-handedly Ocean's Eleven the Billysville magazine (with an extremely stressed out Ben trying to make sure she doesn't die.)

homegirl's just walkin outside in underwear, gym socks, and sneakers. Though I guess its the best way to do this sneakily.

Felicity. Felicity you have to move your arms when you run. Felicity.

Fuck now I'm just imagining colonial girl naruto run

[ F E L I C I T Y G R U N T S ]

The first rule of Colonialland is cardio and establishing your camera's white balance

Ok but Felicity you have GOT to understand how much this looks like you're stealing his horse.

Don't tell me area Tidewater man spent all that money on a Lamborghini when he needed an F-150 and it wasn't even broke yet.

[SHE DID THE THING]

girl why u ridin like that is she walking over poles.

Girl should I be concerned about this canter?

Well ok the stunt double's doing good I think?

This appears to be a grown-ass adult.

All I can think of right now is THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE A MOTHERFYUCKING BRADFORD PEAR IN THE CORNER.

Genuine terror. Ben puts up with so much. Someone get him a xanax.

Valid question.

Girl just tell him? I feel like that's simpler.

Ben, serious question, why exactly do you put up with/go along with this? Have you been so traumatized into learned helplessness? or at this point do you just want to see what happens next if you humor it.

Ben: "Felicity this man literally threatened to shoot us."

[tricornonthecob]

Ow my back

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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Man did they spray that pony with fake sweat.

Have you considered: the racehorse is not used to carts or getting yelled at by drunkards.

You know who this guy reminds me of?

Five-Below version of British Man typecast as Grumpy British Man in every single BBC period drama from 1980 onward.

small human, please do not run towards the skittish 1,500 lb creature with sledgehammers for hands.

"Drag his ass, Penny!"

Felicity is ready to throw hands, she should have been a lady pugilist.

Ben: "stfu Felicity!!!!"

Ben: "no kill the delivery boy pls."

I mean, we get that you're dehydrated, day drunk, possibly heat stroked, and inappropriately mourning your dead wife due to the cruel restrictions of the patriarchy, but yes, Jiggy Nye, that's generally how these transactions work.

lol the side-eye on this horse.

You're no fun, Mrs. Merriman, let the theater kid have some theatrics.

I mean the recognition is nice but how about some manumission ayyyyy

so why the fuck did he buy a racehorse when he needed a draft pony??? Also damn that is ALOT of madeira.

Damn, ol Eddy's got that Bill Clinton Squintin' goin' on.

In case y'all needed remindin' on who runs the Merriman household.

Shut up and drink your claret, Nan.

As a kid hearing this: "Man that's a lame surprise."

As an adult hearing this: "Fuck yeah, Merriman Grant! Y'all wanna pay for my educatin', too???"

"You sweet summer child."

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllll that might be a little tricky.

oh my GOD, Nan.

And there's a no-refunds policy on the deposit.

Girl its only gonna take like twenty minutes to teach you that, calm down.

We get it, Mrs. Merriman, you're Top Bitch in the Notable Housewives of The Greater Hampton Roads Area and come from a long line of Hot-Shit MILFs.

[tricornonthecob]

I know I know I gotta do s2 of LK but I wanted to do this instead

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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Warner Brothers hittin' that renown TV-Movie quality with Microsoft Word 2003 typefaces

I don't think she stole this horse in particular, but they never explain its backstory, so I'd like to believe all the Merriman horses are lifted.

this is such a horsegirl movie, she says, as a horsegirl.

stfu Nan.

They sit astride local small business owners

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pretty sure Rose is enslaved, are we ever gonna address the slavery in the room in this movie, orrrrrrrrr.......

The series of expressions this actress makes here are phenomenal also guess we're not gonna address the slavery in the room.

I meannnn.... are you the one doing all the work here, Mrs. Merriman??? Or just taking the credit.

The Notable Housewives of The Greater Hampton Roads Area

Nan, you fucking narc, don't you know the first rule of The Notable Housewives of The Greater Hampton Roads Area?? Snitches are bitches!

Grandpa Enslaver comin' in hot with the "IDGAF, Nan"

Mrs. Merriman is not impressed with her firstborn.

lookit all those living history actors just chatterin' away, I wonder if they got paid extra that day.

Ed Merriman, Walgreens manager.

What can you get at Ed's, you say? Well, come on down! We got:

fabric lifted straight from the Jo-Ann's off rte 321,

Various science experiments,

Unsorted wooden tools, ominously unlabeled tins, bike chain with a bazillion locks we can't cut off, definitely NOT acrylic vases, a concerning age gap for fanfic writers to overcome in some way, brushies, and HELLA sponges from the Jo-Anns off rte 321,

Whiskey of course,

two (2) hatchets in the Olde Timey candy aisle, aforementioned Olde Timey candy, someone's grandma's copper kettle, a concerning lack of stupid heartthrob curtain bangs, wooden spoons, ramekins that probably definitely did not come from Target, and tin jugs (more whiskey??,)

Tea,

And, of course, This Bitch.

Rude (but statistically probable)

This is some Jane Austen dialogue.

Felicity: "...Yes. Good, you can pay attention to things."

[tricornonthecob]

And I'm back (and so is my back!)

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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don't rush the girl, she's processing!

that's the Trauma Recognize Trauma face. What have you been through, Miss Manderly? And what wild oats had you sown in your day to alleviate the numbness?

Is that what they're calling it now???

[shade sound intensifies]

Miss Manderly would know all about Williamsburg's balls, she inspects them herself. Miss Manderly more like Miss Handerly ayyyyyyyyy zing! *ba-dum-tish*!

Felicity: splendid, Miss Manderly! Do go off!

"fuck my sister's such a bitch."

Felicity you're so damn different from Nan you're not even counting her.

Okay it totally sounded like she said "Bitch, I'm leaving with or without you" and now I know why her nickname is Bitsy. Also damn girl, calm your tits and let a Bitsy pack up her shit.

Elizabeth: ...sorry what was that? I was lost in your eyes.

Having grown up in a place with hella Civil War re-enactments, this is just another summer festival at a Virginia winery, but with different hats.

okay not to be that girl who points out plot holes, but aren't they supposed to have an escort rn?

That is exactly what Elizabeth is alluding to, Felicity.

Elizabeth: ....bollocks!

That sound you hear is the Felizabeth ship sailing.

*cockblocked*

....is that jealousy??? Is Elizabeth about to punch a boy?

Christ but this is some compelling stuff.

*stares wistfully at soldierboys*

To be fair to all the loyalists, they're marching around with guns about it.

awwww Elizabeth! Its okay! There are plenty of fiery redheaded fish in the greater Hampton Roads area the sea!

lolololol but in all fairness, Mrs. Merriman, Miss Manderly's wisdom is wasted on Felicity, Nan is gonna absolutely kill it at cotillion. Her nickname's A Murder at Cotillion. The Real Killtillion.

[tricornonthecob]

The ennui is gone, now its just sciatica

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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well, she didn't make it, Rose made it.

ayyy Ben gets it.

"Oh GOD he's talking to me"

I'm so sorry.

...Girl are you flirting with that uncomfortable age gap?

Also I didn't think ladies were allowed to join the Smokin' Drinkin' After-Dinner Party, lol the Merriman ladies do what they want.

whats THAT look for, Ed? Does he ship it?

"'TWAS I"

lol I feel like Ben is also that kid in History class that uses every single opportunity to call out the teacher for literally anything. I'm not dissing, but I always wondered where they got that energy.

oh man, we got some catty in-law drama, do we??? Fuck this I wanna watch more Ed/Martha content, they've got some serious colonial malewife/girlboss energy, and y'all know my feelings about malewife/girlboss energy

Yorktown Tory must cope with Libertarian Son-In-Law with Boring-Ass Cravat, more at 11.

Ed with the Bill Clinton Squintin' eyebrows.

Buddy, he knows that, you married his daughter.

*shots fired*

Man, Grandpa Enslaver is not taking that very well.

Teenage Boy Can't Help But Get Into The Political Debate

"Gentlemen, can u not"

I wonder if Grandpa Enslaver owns stock in 18th Century Amazon With Guns (British East India Company.)

look at this sad boi. Ed Merriman, Wet Beast.

"Oh, bloody hell."

Martha Merriman, Social Studies Professor, William and Mary should hire her.

Bro she says this with such spice, and such coldness? oh GOD I wanna know the tea.

ooooof that is not a good lesson.

lol homegirl snuck out AGAIN I love it.

You know I feel like I've rarely encountered a pony that liked getting their face rubbed like that except for like, one or two, and I grew up in Horse Country.

[tricornonthecob]

The sciatica is gone, now its just ennui

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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The first rule of Colonialland is cardio.

Girl did you really think the gate wouldn't be locked.

the man just keeps his horse roped to a stake like a country boy keeps a dog in his yard, what was this about Jiggy Nye knowing horses?

The horse actor is not making any of those noises they put in the foley, but it sure as hell is interested in the apple.

that pony is REAL interested in that apple

[PENNY GRUNTS]

extra horsebutt spotted! This man has other horses??? Are they also abused and Felicity's just vibing with the expensive one, or....?

Don't tell her how to live her life!

lol already munched-on apple spotted. I wonder how many takes this took/how many apples the pony ate on set.

christ that man's house is 'uuuuge

girl RUN

lol pony no longer on post.

jesus christ how fucking fast is this man.

...apparently he's a sprinter, only good in small bouts lol

wow, is Grandpa Enslaver actually doing manual labor for once in his life??? That's the wrong cravat for field laboring, you know.

why does this Virginia gentry look like a loaded Quaker.

Felicity that's not how you dig.

[FELICITY GRUNTS]

Felicity: An American Girl Grunting

lol Grandpa Enslaver thrives on chaos.

Girl immediately squeals, who knew the best interrogation technique was amused grandpa energy.

Elizabeth Cole. btw your granddaughter is coming out to you

What do you mean by that, Grandpa Enslaver.

that is fuckin RICH coming from you, mister Plantation Man.

[tricornonthecob]

My Sciaticaaaaa

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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God this movie has so many Shade Button moments.

Ben is the friend you bring with you to Thanksgiving to start political shit at the dinner table so you don't have to.

Girl don't say no to some hot arm candy.

Okay but the expression work in this movie.

Felicity you don't just grab a dude's signal whistle.

But you're not.

lolololololol

lolololololololololololololololololol that joke went over my head as a kid.

Hot soldiers: exist

Ben: *stares forlornly and sighs*

Ben is there something you're not telling us.

OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SHADE HERE. So much shade you can call it Pemberley? No, that joke needs more work.

"Quit bein' petty bitches."

"PLEASANT and CIVIL, goddammit!"

No pressure or anything.

Best friends case the joint together.

eh, just a little concerned, also that horse is not tied up at all securely, what was this about Jiggy Nye knowing horses?

"It was pretty much empty of everything except oats and butt scritches."

Felicity. Felicity that means the same thing.

Ok but full stop what is with every horsegirl movie about a horsegirl taming an already domesticated animal. Why is that the collective horsegirl daydream (yes I've had it, I'm including myself in this.)

you knoooooowwww this seems like a bad idea.

yeah trying to tell a pissed-off horse you aren't going to hurt them with words alone doesn't really work.

Girl. Talking as someone who rides horses, if this doesn't fill you with lizard-brain fear response I think you might already be brain-damaged.

Damn, 10 years old and already sneaking out of the house, you wild, Felicity.

[tricornonthecob]

Full disclosure I have no idea how long this will take

Felicity Steals An Entire Fucking Horse: The Movie (2005)

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"She woke up a bitch."

"Goddammit my daughter's such a bitch."

Ben: "....What are you trying to tell me."

"What do you want to do for your birthday?"

"Work the morning shift!"

...you know I just get the sense that Ed sleeps with half the Notable Housewives of The Greater Hampton Roads Area. I wonder if the Merrimans are swingers.

parallels.

"Oh god no please don't."

Felicity: *internal screaming*

There needs to be a Shade sound effect here, because the Goss is about to be Juicy.

Ok but full-stop I would watch the fucking SHIT out of an 18th century reality-TV series.

lookit the pretty mule, everybody! Muleymuleymuleymuley

GIRL YOUR KNEES IS SHOWING

Ben: "...What are you trying to tell me."

I am uncomfortable.

Ben: "...What are you trying to tell me."

Calm down, you live in a place with literal slavery, lets not be tone-deaf, now.

Felicity coming in hot with Fax.

Why are you bitching about a non-compete you presumably agreed to.

Felicity's dream job is stocker at the Walgreens.

Okay but they trained this horse real nice-like, that backup is so smooth. What a good pony!

Same, Felicity.

Fuckin'. Thoroughbred? In this economy???

This just in: Eccentric Tidewater Man Spends Entire Life Savings on Lotus, Uses It To Haul Things.