#truly just outing my shitty mental state at this point LMFAO

[milky-fixx]

cursed

wanderer x reader // genshin impact  700 words // hurt / comfort truly the most self-indulgent thing i’ve written. 

“I think I’m cursed.”

The Wanderer pauses his stride. Looking back, he finds you seated before the bank of Devadaha Pool, staring out at the waters of Sumeru. He frowns, a tad disgruntled that he didn’t sooner that you’d fallen behind. As he approaches you, he notes your position--knees pulled up to your chest, hands clasped over your ankles. Your gaze is fixated on the lily pads floating across the water, your expression inscrutable. 

You look vulnerable.

His mind is racing with possibilities to explain your current state. But then he replays your words. “A curse?” His voice darkens, reminding you all too well of just how dangerous he can be. “Who would dare curse you?”

Your eyes widen, glancing up swiftly. “No! Not that kind of curse. Put that away!” You gesture at his catalyst, which he brought out at the first hint of trouble. Begrudgingly he does so, glancing at you with suspicion.

“Explain,” he demands.

“I just…” Your shoe nudges into the wet soil before you, watching idly as a crab, unearthed, scurries by. The Wanderer catches himself from a cross remark (”Are you intentionally ignoring me?”) when he realizes--you’re hesitating. He crosses his arms over his chest, shifting his weight onto his other leg. He can wait.

“Bad things always seem to happen to me. It’s like I’m a magnet for misfortune,” you say ruefully, toeing the sand once more. 

“It’s hard not to feel dragged down by everything. And… I worry. I worry people tire of me. I worry that my negativity pushes everyone away. That my mood is like a black hole that sucks up all the joy around me. I worry that I’m exhausting everyone I care about,” you finish. Your hand comes up to cradle your chin, gazing thoughtfully at the soil before you. As if it holds the answers to your problems.

Your companion remains quiet. You don’t expect him to say anything, of course. It’s the first time you’ve ever voiced some of the concerns plaguing you. 

To your surprise, he leans down with a huff, sitting next to you on the bank.  His legs crossed, he leans back against his arms, his hands planted firmly into the sand.

“…How foolish. I’m still here, you know.”

“What?”

“You said ‘everyone.’ But I’m still here.”

He gazes out at the waters himself, mulling over your words. He could relate to the feeling, in a way. His life up until this point was defined by betrayal. By his creator, by Dottore, by the boy from Tatarasuna who caved to his human mortality. But Scaramouche fashioned himself as someone who wreaked havoc, rather than had havoc wreaked upon him. Rather than mope over the events that had led him to that point, he preferred to take action.

Revenge.

Those who had caused misfortune to befall him would regret the day they crossed him. That he could assure. 

At least the old him. The Wanderer’s anger had died down to a mere flickering ember. One that could be tempered by contemplation. Or, if that failed, by sending a few vortexes of compressed air towards his enemies, banishing them from his sight. 

But you... You aren’t like him. He glances back at your position. Curled in on yourself, hiding away from the harshness of the world. And he remembers himself once doing so, back when he was a fledgling creation. Before innocent, wide-eyed Kabukimono knew about the cruelty of the world he was thrust into.

His attention drifts back to the waters before you two. Flowing uninterrupted, despite whatever hardships the world threw at it.

“Do not think of yourself as a curse or the cursed. Because if that were true... then my life wouldn’t have turned out for the better after I met you.”

“I will stay by your side,” he says, catching your eye. “After all...” A hint of amusement creeps into his tone. “You can’t curse me if my existence has already been shunned by the gods.”

“But if the time comes where someone dares to spite you… Hmph. Well.” He laughs humorlessly. “They’ll find I’m not quite as forgiving as you.”

It’s as much of a promise as he can offer. To curse at the world that’s cursed you. 

[access--granted]

Hello. I hope this is okay to send, I don't mean to be invasive and I also don't want to like diminish what you're gling through or claim that I have all of the easy answers. There's especially no pressure at all to reply or anything, askskfj I'm just very bad at talking lol, I apologise! Just wanted to leave a quick note though to say, I resonate. I'm similar in age and struggling socially and my anxiety is horrendous lately. It's taking a toll on my studies, my cleanliness, my personality (seriously... irl I find it hard to be nice. I KNOW I sound fake and superficial but it's cause I have no energy and don't want to be mean instead lmfao).

Enough about me though, the key point here is that you're not alone. There's nothing deficit or awful about you. It's just a shitty circumstance that life has handed you, but you're not less. Not at all. Life is HARD, especially when our mental health is failing us. Especially in the current state of the world. It is not easy, but you're waking up, taking a shower and eating something. That all counts. A lot. You have my virtual high five. You're doing alright.

Anon, your ask was something I truly needed, so I thank you for reaching out and sending it. Just know it's always okay to send me asks or messages whenever. I am a very lonely person, and as someone who is also bad at talking, I crave communication like you wouldn't believe lol. You totally don't need to apologise! Anxiety has definitely been a struggle the past couple of weeks, and with nowhere or no one to really let it out to, I thought just shouting it out here on my blog might help. Which it did, to some extent.

Things just keep happening that trigger my anxiety, and even though I have no control over them, it still continues to torment me about them. It's tough to get through, and it feels highly debilitating, but I continue to try pushing forward.

Thank you again for this ask. It cheered me up, and that's definitely something. Virtual high five right back at you.

[exfriends]

7, 5 & 8

7. Do you have any enemies?

Oh for sure. A lot. These stories are actually pretty fun to tell so I’ll tell them all. 

1: I had a close younger friend in high school who hates my guts because I reported her dd/lg blog to tumblr admins and thinks I did it because I hated her bf at the time, when really it was because she was 15 and posting nudes. Not to say I did the right thing either, but still. 

2: There was a friend of a friend in high school who I was jealous of because she was close to my closest friend at that time, and this girl ended up throwing a chair at me because I insulted my close friend. To this day, she ignores me in public and probably talks a ton of shit behind my back even though we haven’t spoken in actual years. That’s what I get for going to community college though. 

3: Close friend of a long time was third wheeling in a relationship just after I had been cheated on. Not saying what I did was right, but I was in a compromised emotional state and told her I was going to tell the girlfriend of the guy she was fooling around with what she was doing and then she cut me off. I deserved it, it was a hollow threat, but she was fucked up for doing what she was doing and I’m glad to have her out of my life. She is one of the reasons I don’t talk to the group of friends I had in high school. 

4: Close friend of a long time was third wheeling in a relationship just after I found out that my stepdad was cheating on my mom. I made a half hearted joke in the back of a Spencers gift store about her buying a sex toy so she would stop fucking around in other people’s relationships, it was too blunt and pointed and she ended up getting really upset about it. I apologized, but she ended up turning all my friends against me for this comment. It also didn’t help that my best friend and sort of “ringleader” of the group has had a massive crush on her for years and sort of went along with whatever she said for the sake of keeping her in his life, but she is also another reason I lost a lot of the friends I had in high school. This girl also went ballistic at me in high school, like straight up screaming at me in public, because I asked her to stop using the word tranny referring to me. I was going through a lot of gender identity problems at the time and the term made me feel uncomfortable as I mainly wore boy clothes and cut my hair short. She went off on me so loudly and for so long that half the school overheard in the cafeteria and my cousin (who was in my grade) told my mom and I had to explain my gender dysphoria. She instead continued to call me a tranny and we didn’t speak for months. So I mean, considering her history, its probably better she is no longer in my life. If you can tell, I am extremely sensitive to infidelity and it’s one of my biggest insecurities in relationships. I absolutely cannot be friends with anyone who endorses this kind of behavior :) 

5: There’s a pokeblogger on here that stole my cloned pokemon and used them in giveaways who literally tried to write a callout post about me which I thought was funny, and now there’s like a whole group of pokebloggers on tumblr who hate me. 

6: The woman my ex cheated on me with and subsequently left me for. I mean, I should thank her, but that seems kind of petty. I was truly, deeply unhappy at the time and struggling with a lot of internalized homophobia, and refused to end the relationship despite the fact I was unhappy, so the fact that she did this was a godsend. Being in a relationship with a man didn’t exactly help any of my internalized homophobia, especially when that man was a royal fuckup in every department and blamed me for all of his problems when I tried to help. He’s also an enemy too, but moreso her. Me and her had a weird relationship, as she was my coworker, but I had seniority over her. I trained her. Her sister had been working with me and was my senior, and my boyfriend was the supervisor of all three of us. She knew him for as long as I had and we had met before. I had the biggest crush on her, and jokingly mentioned at one time to my bf that if we were to become a triad, she would be the woman I’d want to join us--which sort of made everything that happened afterwards a million times worse? Like that is the thing that haunts me at night, the fact that I was so determined to make this relationship work with a man despite how much I wanted to be with a woman that I literally recommended the girl he ended up cheating on me with as a potential threesome. It disgusts me!

It started with them texting, eventually he used her as a crutch to “deal with me” because the expectation of maintaining a job, taking care of yourself and buying a car was just too much to handle for a 25 year old man working at a convenience store, and on Valentines Day he told me that she had confessed to liking him, that he felt horrible, and that he would cut her off. The exact opposite of that happened. I found out about a month later that they had been seeing each other and he just didn’t know how to tell me. 

She badmouthed me to all of our coworkers and I ended up having another mental breakdown, quitting that job and getting transferred. She laughed at me and rubbed it in all over social media. 

They now are getting married (they got engaged about 3 months into their relationship LMFAO), and just had a baby together this past March. He gained about 25 pounds and now has a bad taste in glasses. 

5. Does anyone know your deepest, darkest secret?

My ex does, actually, but it’s not the kind of secret he would really go around and tell anyone I don’t think. 

8. Do you have any people you only pretend to like?

Oh tons! Like all of my old coworkers at my transferred location. Or a good portion of my family, I mean I’d do anything for them because they are family but they’re certifiably shitty people. Honestly, it’s probably just easier to tell you the people I genuinely like.