#trying to articulate what it feels like to be scrambled while im the midst of being scrambled

[cannibal-nightmares]

talking in tongues here Language and psychosis is so frustrating, and thats the topic of this post so this is going to be a bit jumbled. I'm going to write and not edit this much

physically Physically, it's very simple: sometimes it feels like it takes immense exertion to move your tongue to speak, to get your vocal chords to make noise. personally, sometimes it feels like the words feel like water spilling out out of your mouth. its exhausting to an extent I can't exactly describe.

internally Internally, it gets more complicated as it also applies to writing and also magical thinking. You have a lot of thoughts. A lot. And some of them dont even feel like your own. I've always described it as... Listening to your own internal ideas in your head, but theyre in a different language, and you have to translate them before saying them out loud. And then sometimes you get the translation wrong. Going back to physically, sometimes this means you stumble on your words and straight up accidentally say the wrong thing (anything from accidentally saying "chair" instead of "stair" because they sound similar, to utter nonsense that has no origin or relation), and sometimes it means mistranslating intention (not in emotionality--though that is an element at play--but in diction) idk if this is making any sense. Like saying "go right" when you were absolutely thinking and intending "go left." I think, similarly, an example is.. I can *barely* speak to my phone assistant. It's *really* difficult* for me to say out loud "Okay, Google, play 'Eternal Blue' by Spiritbox on Spotify," I just CANT get the thoughts in order. it's why I like going off-script. It's kind of faascinatiing when you see this happen in writing, though very time-consuming to catch and fix it all (too bad writing is one of my hobbies haha)

magical thinking here's the most prominent monster, in my opinion. Magical thinking and paranoia is what governs my writing and speech 100% of the time. One-hundred-percent-of-the-time. I know it plays a huge role in my introverted tendencies. it's where.. You say or write something and you think that because you've said it out loud or someone has heard it/read it, something will happen. This can be something so much as "I said the car will crash, so now it most definitely will" to, far more abstract, "I included the word 'granite' in describing something and now because i chose to use that word instead of something else, my food at home will be poisoned" (this is also a tell of OCD, btw).

anyways im making this post this because I think about having this discussion every time i mention things like "the geiger counter." Sometimes alternative wording feels safer to me. in this instance, "geiger counter" refers to "paranoia" or "I'm getting more paranoid." it gags me just to admit to it here. but I hope it paints a picture I know I'm missing some things I wanted to discuss (oof, there's an example, I wanted to use a different word other than "discuss" here), but everything is like static sludge rn. I hope this grants some insight to anyone.