#ugh i need. external motivation. but i don't have any way of getting it

[kalashtars]

this week on is it a side effect of testosterone or just season depression: my midterm essay for a class was due two days ago. i have not started it. normally i would feel anxiety about this but i feel distinctly numb about it.

[worldwright]

Good evening !

Getting into a psych ward in France takes a very long time and all, so imagine when today, 3 months and a half after I was told I was on the waiting list, I learned that I wasn't actually. I wasted 3 months and a half waiting for nothing. The hospital said they were doing all the things for me, because I can't, and then didn't. And nobody apologized when I confronted them about that. So, great.

Fortunately, I was with a friend the entire time (good lord, without her idk where I'd be, she's too kind for this world)

So that's how I ended up buying some jasmine green tea and a figurine of the poorest man alive dead

I fucking needed good things after what I learned today, because how the fuck am I supposed to trust any medical staff now ??? Like, I already had a fear of them, but now ??? It's over

I don't believe in luck, because it doesn't make any sense. What's good luck or bad luck ? How someone can be lucky or unlucky ? Why am I never lucky ? Why do I always get the short end of the stick ? Because that's not luck. Because if it was that means no one is responsible for whatever keeps happening to me. From what they explained to me, it was the fault of the psychiatrist I saw that day. They didn't know about it until I went to the hospital after the call with the psych ward. Because I called them. Because 3 months and a half is a long time to wait.

What a bunch of assholes. They said that they "couldn't do anything other than just putting me for real this time on the waiting list.". I lost 3 months and a half because of someone's fault. And now I am finally at step one.

Waiting. I'm back at waiting. And the only thing I can do is talk to my psychiatrist (bc she works at the psych ward I'll be) and hope that she can do something for me. Which is something she's really, really bad at

So, yep, great day

But at least I ate well and got tea and a Toji ?

Have a wonderful morning my friend !

UGH that makes me so fkn pissed. like about all the things. like why do medical professionals never face consequences. why were there no checks in place to alert them that they'd forgotten to do something. why do they pick on the people who are already obviously less able to stand up for themselves. why do we live in a culture of such individualism that there's no community safety net. and WHY is it so hard to even begin to unravel any of that

toji!!!!!!!!! that's such a cool figure auuuuuuuuuuuu

i'm kind of having a really hard time existing in the present rn... can't really work very much but i can't get myself to do chores either....... at least i'm seeing my family tomorrow. i may just go hang out at their house instead of running errands......... (my mom got covid a few weeks ago so she might like the company now that she's recovered)

sometimes i think about how my consistent sleep, eating, and exercise patterns are probably boosting my mental health a LOT lol. like if i didn't have that built-in routine i would probably be way worse off than i am. helps me keep my motivation to get meds cuz like. i have friends that don't have that consistency and they are doing Not Great

watched the new episodes of dunmesh and heaven official's blessing last night!!!!!!!! thank you senshi for motivating me to finally eat the shrimp tempura in my freezer lmfaooooooo

also i figured out how to torrent stuff. should probably buy an external hard drive if i keep saving shows lmfao

it snowed last night!! only about 1cm, and it only stuck on plants and grass, but it's pretty!!!

hope the rest of your evening is relaxing! (also hi Leo, thanks for talking last night!)

[palant1r]

For no regrets, a fic i continue to be deeply in love with, i would love to know 1, 3, 5, 9 and 15 for the fic ask!

thank u for the ask!

1. What inspired you to write the fic this way?

Usually, when I ship something, I explore it in countless unfinished WIPs and myriad AUs and oneshots and character studies. But I think No Regrets is the only bakudeku fic I'll ever write. I had a lot I wanted to say about the ship, about their dynamic and how they're shaped by both their past and hopes for the future, about the layered and fucked up ways they care for each other, and I wanted to say it all in one fic. I think I did the best I could. I certainly don't feel like I left anything on the table for another fic. I had a scenario and style in mind that I felt could explore all that characterization, so that's what I used.

3. What's your favorite line of narration?

I have...a lot of favorite lines. Because I had so much time to write and edit and get this fic betaed (I normally just write and post with not so much as a read-through), I had a lot of time to chew on each sentence and give it impact. But I always think of this line from the first chapter that I'm particularly proud of:

"There’s something about cold air that brings out color, as if the blue of the snow the clouds hold needs somewhere to go and just decides to saturate everything the air touches. If he took a picture, Izuku knows he could revisit it in three summers and still feel a chill."

5. What part was hardest to write?

Ugh, the in between parts after Izuku realizes the world is fake. The high points of emotion, the epiphanies and confessions, those were easy. Almost all of them were either written or conceptualized before I even signed up for the Big Bang. Stringing them together was really hard, because I had to strike a balance between not rushing and not focusing too much on unimportant things.

9. Were there any alternate version of this fic?

Yes and no. I looked back at my planning documents to answer this question, and the overall course of this fic has stayed entirely consistent from the beginning. The only deleted scene is the original epilogue which was from Izuku's perspective, but I figured the audience needed a look inside Katsuki's head at the end. However, I did tweak the descriptions and quirks of the previous holders during the writing process. This fic was started while Izuku was still in his coma in canon, and more information on the past holders got released as I was writing. Some of it got ignored.

However, the original concept for this fic was COMPLETELY different. There's actually art for it floating around on my blog somewhere. The original idea was for Present Mic and Eraserhead to get hit by a quirk that put them into a lotus eater world where they started an agency with Oboro. The idea was to explore how their ideal lives would have gone, and how they would have been different had Oboro survived. Ultimately, though, while I liked the idea of a lotus eater world for BNHA, I never found Erasermic interesting enough in that context to write a full fic. But the idea stuck around till I found a ship with enough insane baggage to make it work lol

15. What did you learn from writing this fic?

Longfics for big bangs are incredibly hard but incredibly rewarding. I gained a lot of confidence in my own ability to finish these big projects that I'm passionate about, but also learned the kind of strict self-control and external motivation I'd need to carry them to the finish line. I also learned a lot about planning character arcs and using foreshadowing. I really enjoyed experimenting with narration and detail as a storytelling technique, like the sensory details Izuku notices in the first chapter being hints as to the realness (or lack thereof) of the world. Also, my characterization of Izuku, Katsuki, and Ochako developed a lot!