#unfortunately my inexplicable attraction to soaking wet and slightly pitful men does not extend to real life

[intergalacticaquarium]

Despicable headcanons for eddie munson

Terrible and (sfw) filthy headcanons for eddie munson that make him my dream man

None of this is ironic

- wears all those layers bc he gets cold really really easily and every time he starts to shiver and his teeth start to chatter at like 50 degrees he is completely humiliated

-only remembers to brush his hair about once a week. Usually he just kinda pats it down until it's the right shape. The mats add volume

-DEFINITELY cuts his own bangs

-either got arrested when he was like 17 and booked it into the forest and hopper was like whatever dude I'm busy and he broke the handcuffs in a very stupid and dangerous way

-OR he just found em in the woods bc as somebody that lives near a lot of woods sometimes you find weird shit in there. One time I found super old car with bullet holes in it.

-speaking of yknow sometimes ur in public and you'll see a piece of clothing or a hair tie or a water bottle that somebody obviously left behind and you know not to touch it bc gross? Eddie doesn't know not to touch it. He touches it and picks it up and takes it home and fucking might wash it and definitely wears it

-found his vest on the side of the road in a puddle and took it home like a Charlie brown Christmas tree

-gets no bitches sorry girlies. Extremely surprised to get one bitch but she's a slug woman too so it's tru love. First and foremost what he wants in a partner is for them to be the type to also eat dry cereal by the fistful

- if he scrolled thru the Eddie x reader tag and read the descriptions he would be terrified and would need to look up a lot of terms and would need to go lie down for a second after all that information

-calling Eddie on a bluff is extremely easy and extremely satisying

-full of love

-cries really easily but sometimes that's bc his eyes are huge and it's windy and he's been sitting in the dark for a long time

-has waaaaay too lax a policy on what's OK to eat after you drop it on the floor

-has really bad undiagnosed untreated adhd. Cannot focus unless he's invested, will say the first thing that comes into his brain and regret it instantly and its either something wildly off topic or a response to something you said 3 minutes ago

-sometimes absentmindedly chews on his hair and it gets hard on the ends. To his credit he knows that this is gross

-hey why am I getting turned on writing this thats weird right

-you'd expect him to have like a million stupid fancy bongs that he won't shut up about but actually he has like 4 and only uses one and it's the fucking grodiest yellow tinted black bongwater that hasn't been changed in ages resin inside that looks like fuckin bushes bong you have ever seen and will not use it. One time you steal it and clean it out with an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol. It's still kinda gross when ur done and he genuinely would silently hold it against you for years

-uses his jeans as a napkin

-can't remember the last time he washed his jeans. Says you're not supposed to wash them but put them in the freezer. He does not put them in the freezer either

-smells like cigarettes. This one isn't sexy its just gross if somebody smokes weed and cigarettes they smell like cigarettes if somebody wears cologne and smoke a certain number of cigarettes that is all they smell like and it's kind of overwhelming until you literally air out and febreeze his whole fucking trailer and wardrobe to put a dent in it

-he got those holes in his jeans by falling over onto concrete really hard while trying to carry like 20 things at once inside

-very strangely patchy chest hair

-insomnia and watches a lot of infomercials because of it

-sometimes tastes things that aren't food if he's curious and nobody's around. One time he did lick a frog and it tasted weird and it was bad but he will always know what it tasted like so who's to say if it was a success or not

-laughs at horror movies but gets scared and jumpy for the rest of the night

-eats like an animal or Brad pitt in an oceans movie. If he can eat it with his hands by the fistful he will.

-I wonder if anybody can get which of these are autobiographical and how badly I'm giving myself away rn

-sometimes says and does things he saw his metal musician idols doing without knowing what they meant and being confused when confronted

-has AT LEAST one very badly scarred stick n poke disaster

-there are a lot of these and I honestly could go on probably indefinitely so I'm gonna stop now but every time I read a fic where he's too sexy and fuckable I'm gonna add 2 more to balance it out.

-one last one the wallet chain isn't for fashion it's for fashion AND bc he loses his wallet a lot