#very high on my list of 'ER ladies I would kiss if given the opportunity'

[everybodyknows-everybodydies]

3am and cannot sleep with nervousness. am thinking about how unfairly Cleo Finch is treated. I don't ever see like ANYTHING with her in recent stuff and basically everything from the original era is kind of mean about her?? idk I like her I think she's neat :(

[weightofworlds-blog1]

GIANT CHARACTER SURVEY

[ tagged by ]: @eloquated [ tagging ]: if you’d like to do it, feel free!

G E N E R A L

[ name ]: Catarina Loss [ nicknames ]: Cat, if you must.  [ birthday ]: I know that it was in early to mid August, but keeping track of the date was difficult in those days, and my mother was uneducated. But really, what does it matter? I’m immortal. Birthdays are hardly an occasion.  [ birthplace ]: Lisbon, Portugal [ age ]: Don’t you know that it’s rude to ask a lady her age?  [ eye color ]: Naturally, they’re blue. Under the glamour I usually wear, they’re dark brown. [ height ]: 5″4 [ weight ]: Really? First my age,  and now my weight? I’m fit, according to the BMI index, and since I’m a nurse, I would know. [ nationality ]: That answer to that question is a bit more complicated than it seems. My mother was originally from Africa, but taken to Portugal to be a slave. I was born there. My father, however -- well. He has no nationality, nor do I care. [ astrological sign ]: Leo [ location ]: My apartment in Brooklyn, New York.  [ siblings ]: My mother had no other children. I suppose I could have some half siblings, somewhere, but I have never cared to find out.  [ pets ]: I’m a nurse. Having pet hair all over my clothing would be unhygienic. Besides, I’m never home enough to take care of one. Perhaps when Madzie is older, though! [ in the morning i’m ]: either coming home from a shift at the hospital, or on my way to one. [ all i need is ]: coffee and a great deal of patience.  [ love is ]: the reason we are all here. The love of our parents, the love of each other -- ultimately, it is why I live the way I do, why my life is dedicated to healing and the daughter I’ve adopted.  [ i’m afraid of ]: loss. Being unable to protect Madzie. Failing at the job I’ve chosen. I’m afraid of many things, but the centuries have taught me to live despite these fears.  [ i dream about ]: Usually? Camping trips far away from civilization. 

H A V E . Y O U . E V E R ?

[pictured your crush naked?] Oh, for heaven’s sake. Yes. I suppose I have. [ used someone? ]: I have lived for a long time, and I have made mistakes. Yes. I have.  [ been used? ]: Yes.  [ been cheated on? ]: Technically, I suppose so. But I was not invested in the relationship, and he knew it -- so I’m not sure he can be blamed for that decision. [ considered cheating? ]: No. If i don’t want to be in a relationship any longer, I end it. [ been kissed? ]: I am not a nun, so. Yes.  [ done something you regret? ]: Can anyone live for as long as I have without regrets? I find it unlikely. 

F A V O R I T E

[ food? ]: Lately, I’ve been rather partial to Kung Pao chicken.  [ fruit? ]:  Apples. [ candy? ]: Snickers. I eat an embarrassing amount of them from the vending machine in the hospital break room.  [ color? ]: Embarrassingly enough, I’m partial to blue. [ number? ]: I can honestly say I have never had a favorite number. [ animal? ]: Doves. The symbolism behind them is rather beautiful. [ drink? ]: Coffee. Or craft beer, depending on the circumstance. [ soda? ]: Coke. [ book? ]: The Princess Bride. Harlequin romances. [ room? ]: My living room. Or Ragnor’s office, though I certainly wouldn’t tell him that! [ movie? ]: Gone With the Wind

D O . Y O U ?

[ have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ]: No.  [ like cleaning? ]: Absolutely not. For that, I use magic. [ have a tattoo? ]: No.  [ have any piercings? ]: My ears are pierced.  [ cheat on tests/homework? ]: I never had a formalized education, so I never really had the opportunity.  [ drink/smoke? ]: Drink, yes. Smoke? That’s a repulsive habit, even if I am immortal and cannot die from lung cancer. [ swear a lot? ]: I suppose that would depend on your definition of ‘a lot.’ I try to keep it to a minimum around Madzie. [ like watching sunrises or sunset? ]: If I have the time, yes.  [ pray? ]: Not in a long time.  [ go to church? ]: No. [ have secrets? ]: No, of course not. No secrets at all.  [ have a best friend? ]: Magnus Bane or Ragnor Fell -- I refuse to even attempt to pick between them. Magnus would pout for ages, and Ragnor would become even more prickly.  [ like your own handwriting? ]: I may not be a doctor, but my handwriting tends to resemble that of one, unfortunately.

A R E . Y O U ?

[ obsessive? ]: Does anyone admit readily to being obsessive? I suppose some people may think my dedication to healing is obsessive, but it isn’t. [ excited? ]: Under the right circumstances! [ bored? ]: I live with a five year old, and have a high pressure job. When do I have time to be bored? [ happy? ]: Most days.  [ missing someone? ]: Always. [ confused? ]: Only when discussing fashion with Magnus. [ tired? ]: Again, I live with a five year old and work in a hospital. What do you think? [ mad? ]: At this moment? No. [ sleepy? ]: Are sleepy and tired two different things now? I’m not answering this twice.

D O . Y O U . E V E R ?

[ wait around just to talk to someone? ]: I’m not a teenaged girl, so no. [ write about those ‘special’ moments? ]: No.  [ wish you were a member of the opposite sex? ]: I used to, frequently. Men could become doctors, officially, and had many more opportunities in the medical field. I am happy with where I am, now, but I would have liked the opportunity to do something different.

W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . W H O ?

[ you talked to? ]: Magnus -- he called to check in an hour or so ago. [ you hugged? ]: Madzie, before bed. [ you kissed? ]: Also Madzie, on the forehead, after I tucked her in. [ sent you a letter? ]: Do fire messages count? I believe that was Tessa. [ you sent a letter to? ]: A response to Tessa, most likely. [ you laughed with? ]: One of the other nurses. Humor in the ER is always important. [ slept in your bed? ]: Madzie, after a nightmare. [ you shared a drink with? ]:  Does Magnus stealing sips of my wine count? [ you went to the movies with? ]: I have no idea. I haven’t seen a movie in a theater in a very long time. [ yelled at you? ]: Ah, a parent of a patient I could not save. The girl was only thirteen, and her mother was distraught. I didn’t blame her for yelling. [ you called? ]: The babysitter, to be sure she was still able to watch Madzie during my shift today. [ you kicked? ]: I haven’t kicked anyone in recent memory -- is that something that people normally do? [ you saw? ]: Madzie, before I put her to bed.

W H O . I S ?

[ the most handsome person you know? ]: Hm. I’ve always thought that Ragnor was rather nice to look at.  [ the weirdest person you know? ]: Most certainly Magnus. [ the funniest person you know? ]: I think I’ll award that one to Simon Lewis. [ the loudest person you know? ]: That would be my darling daughter, after she has had a chance to warm up to everyone in the room.   [ the quietest person you know? ]: Tessa, maybe? [ the sweetest person you know? ]: Though she has been gone for many years, this title will always go to my mother -- a woman who risked her life every day for eighteen years to look after a blue, magical child. [ the most serious person you know? ]: Ragnor, I expect. [ your best friend? ]: Again? I still refuse to pick between the two of them. [ the person you hate the most? ]: Valentine Morganstern. If what he did to the Downworld was not enough, what he did to Madzie would have put him at the top of that list on its own. [ the person you see most? ]: Madzie. [ your soul-mate? ]: I don’t believe in this nonsense.

W H A T . I S ?

[ the first thing you thought of when you woke up? ]: Madzie - she was bouncing at the edge of my mattress! [ the song that best describes you? ]: This one. [ your best feature? ]: I’m rather partial to my hair.  [ your most treasured memory? ]: When I was very young, my mother took me to the river near our home. It was always just the two of us -- this was long before I knew what a glamour was, let alone how to use one -- but I got to leave the cottage, and was able to run around and chase after butterflies while my mother watched. I treasure all of the time I spent with her, but these memories are some of my favorites.

I N . T H E . F U T U R E

[ what is the age you hope to get married? ]: I hardly thing age is the important factor in that decision. [ number and names of kids? ]: I have raised a child already, and his name was Aurelio, and now I have Madzie. I can’t say that I will never take in another, though I’m fairly content now. [ where do you see yourself at age twenty? ]: Oh, for the love of --  [ describe your dream wedding? ]: I have no idea. I’ve given up on dreaming of such things, for the most part. [ when and how do you want to die? ]: This is a fairly morbid question! I suppose I’d like to die peacefully, somehow.  [ what are your career plans? ]: I’ve been a healer for hundreds of years, and don’t plan on changing that anytime soon. [ some place you’d like to visit? ]: I’d like to return to Portugal, someday. I always enjoy London, as well. 

L A S T . T I M E

[ last time you went out of state? ]: The last time I went hiking with Ragnor, before his death. [ last time you were outside? ]: On my way home from the hospital this evening. [ last time you had a snowball fight? ]: I don’t think I ever have! [ last time you were listening to music? ]: I have jazz playing now, actually.

O T H E R

[ how many people would you say are good friends of yours? ]: Friends that are still alive? 2.  [ what hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? ]: Emotional.  [ have you felt this recently? ]: Grief is the worst sort of emotional pain, and we have all suffered loss, lately. [ what do you wear to bed? ]: sweats, usually. [ when’s the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? ]: Madzie brought her bear to bed last time she had a nightmare and climbed in with me, so then, I guess. [ have you ever used a ouija board? ]: No. I prefer not to interact with the spiritual realm. [ how many rings before you pick up the phone? ]: Admittedly, I’m awful at answering the phone. Usually, it rings until it goes to voicemail, and I have to call back later.

[rynnvstill]

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year family and friends! We’ve made it to 2018!!! 

I’m so happy and thankful to the Lord to see another year and with new years comes renewed refocus and new goals to achieve. Before I get into the gaze ahead for 2018, I would like to reflect on 2017.

I mentioned on my FB that 2017 wasn’t my best year for me and my family. There were some ups but mostly downs.  It wasn’t a bad year but it was an extremely hard one. There were things I faced in 2017 that made me plant my face in my hands and cry “God, why me?!” Thankfully God was with me all the way even though many times I felt very alone. Everything was challenged. 

Mommy Blues

Oct 6th 2016 I became a new mommy to a beautiful baby girl. The beginning was really rough. I had a C section and could barely hold Naomi because I was in so much pain. I had a hard time using the bathroom ( which I found out later was normal). Trying to recover from my C section and learning how to take care of newborn was very challenging and it took a tole on me. Naomi also had acid reflux in the beginning and a stomach virus around four or five months. On top of all that, there was a 50% chance that I’d pass my hereditary pain epilepsy to her, so we had to constantly in and out of  doctors for her.

 It turns out that she does have the same pain condition as me but we’re working with the neurologist to get her treated. Once we figured out she had the condition, things got a little bit easier because we knew how to care for her to prevent her from having a pain episode.  eventually, the acid reflux went away as well. 

After my 8 weeks of maternity leave, I was cleared to go back to work and I was not happy about that. I wanted noting more than to be home with my baby but instead I had to have other women watch her. I hated the idea of sitting at work some days doing nothing while someone else was playing with her and caring for her. Between feeling guilty about passing the pain condition to her and now leaving her with other women to watch her, I develop postpartum depression. 

I needed a new job

Being a working mom became easier around the time Naomi was 8 months (I know...it took me a while to adjust) but from time to time (mainly when I had nothing to do) I felt guilty about leaving her with other women.  I didn’t get along with one of the women I worked with and I was paying a very high rate to park at my job. The lack of opportunity and abusive treatment prompt me to start looking for another job.

When I started working at the law firm back in 2015, I was very excited. I felt like it was a step in the direction of a real career. I was hoping to learn and move up. That was not the case at all. From day one the lady who “trained me” pretty much set me up to fail. I really felt like she was trying to get me fired. I was told she was my supervisor but later she expressed to me that she wasn’t my supervisor. This confused and upset me because she had a lot of say in my review and work performance. She never had anything nice to say about me and she would let everyone know her frustrations with me. She half trained me, would get frustrated if I tried to ask her a question, would talk about me to other people in the finance department and complain about me to my supervisor. She never told me when i made a mistake; she would just fix it and tell me I made a mistake. I don’t know why this lady gave me such a hard time to this day and i’ll never know but that’s ok. 

Don’t get me wrong, there were blessing from the job. My supervisor was very helpful with my doctors appointments and setting me up for my maternity leave. She even threw me a baby shower. However, the good always came with the a bad moment at this job. The woman who “trained me”  treated me pretty bad when I was pregnant. She didn’t come to my baby shower  or sign the card that was  given to me ( which was fine, I didn’t really care about that). But when  I came back from maternity leave, she thought it was a good idea to give me dirty old baby socks, a dry rotted binky, and used teething toys from her 11 year old granddaughter. I’m 28 years old so I don’t have time for drama, keep it to yourself.

 Enduring harassing situations like my lovely co-workers baby gift, on top of stressing over my expensive parking situation ($25 a day), it took a tole on my health.

Sick Days

Between Naomi and I we have had our share of doctors visits over the course of 2017. For me, it started back in March of 2017. I would get this horrible pain under my right rib around the time of my period. I notice it would start when I would take the white pills in my birth control pack. After I had to be rushed to the hospital in July when the pain got worse, the ER doctor swore that my birth control was not the cause of the pain and that my gallbladder needed to be removed.  Before I was going to  let Chestnut Hill hospital cut me open, I wanted to get a second opinion from the hospital i had Naomi at so, off to Lankenu I went. 

They conducted two test on my gallbladder and concluded that my gallbladder was functioning find. I was advised to see a GI doctor. At this point, I thought I was dying but my GI doctor told me I wasn’t dying, that I was just very constipated. Relieved (no pun intended), she explained to me that the pain I was feeling was trapped gas and stool trying to get around a corn of my GI track (interesting but how did I get so constipated?). She told me that after having deep abdominal surgery (C section), extra hormones (from the birth control), period constipation and add everyday stress (taking care of a baby, working, bills, ect.) that’s how you get extremely constipated. 

She made me do a cleanse but it didn’t work. I conducted a test of my own in October, my prescription for my birth control expired and I didn’t renew it. I wanted to see if I was right all along. If I’d stop taking it, would the pain go away. You won't believe it but that pain has not come back and I'm regular again. (TMI I know but it’s important to the story.)

Still looking for work

At this point I'm depressed because I want nothing more than to leave the law firm. Many so I don’t have to pay for parking but also because the lady I worked with was so abusive towards me in a passive aggressive sort of way too (worse case). She went from ignoring me to pushing work on my when my other co worker went out on disability. 

I was aggressively looking for another job. I had two interviews with a real estate company in Wayne PA but to this day I’m still waiting to hear back from them to know if I got the job or not. I’m pretty sure they went with someone else (I hope) but an email of decline would’ve been nice ( I think it was because I’m brown). 

I laid myself at the feet of the Lord and was honest with Him. I told Him I couldn’t work at this law firm anymore. I could keep paying for parking because it wasn’t helpful to my family. I was honest with him about the lady I worked with, that I had a hard time not hating her. I was just raw before the Lord and honest. Just like David, He heard my cry. Another real estate company reached out to me for AR position in Bryn Mawr, Pa. I had two interview with them (which made me nervous because of the last place) but this time they made an offer and I said yes!

Yes, ladies and gents, I started a new job. I don’t have to pay for parking and so it’s way better than the law firm. 

Closing the book on 2017

There were other crazy events that happened in 2017 but, this blog is getting pretty long and I want to talk about somethings I’m praying God will help me with for 2018. There were great memories of 2017 that I enjoyed very much but like I said the hard times were rough. I thank God he helped me thorough and one of the greatest lessons I’ve learn from 2017 is to trust in the Lord, rest in His grace, and bare it all to Him. He’s truly my help.

Now on to 2018

I’m totally excited about 2018. It started on NYE. I had one of the best NYEs I’ve had in a while. Charlie and I stayed home. After we put Naomi to bed, we played video games until it got closer to midnight, we had some sparkling wine, we counted down to midnight, we cheers, and had our midnight kiss. It was at that moment that I felt hopeful. Like I could feel the Lord wrap his arms around me and His peace filled my heart. It’s going to be a good year. 

Goals

I usually don’t make goals because I feel like anymore, it’s hard to keep them but this year I want to make goals. With these goal, it’s not just for 2018. These goal will be started in 2018 but will continue to grow and develop as the years progress Lord willing. Here are my goals starting 2018:

Art- yes, it’s time to get back into it but up a notch. I’ve purchased artist paints, i’ve been studying art online and practicing and now it’s time to get it done. I have a list of painting and pieces I want to get started this year and I will have an art show once i get a good portion of my work done. I would like to get some prints made and get my art on T-shirts and cups. I would like to start a website where my art is sold and also blog about them on here.

School- I’ve finally decided to go back to school but I’m keeping my major a secret until I finalize where i’m going. It will be a Masters degree. I’m really excited for what the Lord will do through me with this major. I’ll keep you posted with this

Blog- last but not least, I will be blogging again but different. I will write from time to time but I also want to get back into making videos. I will be blogging about spiritual books i’m reading, podcast i’m listening to, my read through the Bible, art pieces i’m working on and how they relate to the Word, I’ll talk about fictional books i’m reading and some funny family stories. 

Conclusion

Guy, I’m so excited for 2018! Keep me in your prayers and I’ll keep you in mine. Until next time, may the Lord keep you in His perfect peace, in Jesus Name, Amen!