#waauggh ive not been this happy in years

[jeffbytes]

posting a gush of a different kind on here 🤭 cute little exposition story for my self ship absence cus they dont use tumblr so im freeeee to be as mushy as i want on here muhahahaaa it's long and sappy and emotional and awaauuggfhhh

i've found the one yall. THE ONE. i've barely felt any self shippy feelings since March, since i opened myself back up to my old 2021 flame and we reignited what was, but 20,000 times better. i cannot begin to describe my feelings,, but i will certainly try

we had a, not so much a relationship in 2021 but we were definitely heading down that path together. i was really insecure, i didn't feel like i deserved her, for all the same reasons i'll get to later, and our time difference and her job put a lot of strain on our contact. this made me make the worst decision i ever made in early 2022.. to call things off with her. i dont remember much of that year now, it was one of the worst i'd had, sitting in regret and misery, trying to fill the hole, wondering why on earth i gave up the best thing i ever had. i realise now that my insecurity made me always need more from our connection to make me feel like i was worth it, that i was always asking too much and adding pressure bc i didnt feel secure if i didnt have that extra time, that extra reassurance, that extra "proof" that i was really worth her time. i made her feel like she wasnt enough when she did so much for me and was so valuable to me and my life. i was so caught up in my own self doubt that i was totally blind to it. the realisation i'd made her feel that way when i care so so deeply about her, it was a devastating revelation and one i have been working on deeply ever since. i thought with all this, there'd be no hope for us again in the future and our story was very much a closed book.

then this year came around.

i had a peak moment of feeling as though i'd hit rock bottom with no way back up, and had a full scale emotional breakdown in February that very nearly ended me. despite me ghosting her for what i thought was "the best thing for her" and being off and distant, avoiding her contact and trying to keep myself at arms length to try and do good for her i assumed in my head - she still DMed me that day, and told me that i still had value in her life and that she wanted me to still talk to her and call her. that fear of her life being better off without me speaking to her was in fact false, and we reconnected again on those grounds, started calling again, found a new rhythm and a new schedule.

our very first call after nearly a year, it was like old times and no time had passed. we still laughed the same and flowed perfectly. she told me of a trip she'd been saving for that fell through, and we joked that the trip to the UK she'd planned with me all that time ago could still be a thing - she ends up booking a flight that same call. and i instantly realised the problem with my enthusiasm and her asking me "is this ok, can i come and stay?" there was a minor problem, absolutely

i realised during these next few calls that my feelings for her never truly went away. i did try, i realised i connected so hard to Clementine and my ship with her as the accidental parallels to my previous were so stark. Jeffentine became so important to me because it was the happy ending i never got to have in that same scenario, or so i thought. i mean obviously the ship bloomed into more and its own thing over time but that foundation, that reason Jeffentine became so core to me i realise was not just because i loved Clem so much, but because i never stopped loving the person Clem was filling in for, no matter how much i tried to convince myself i had and fill the void with self ships and trying to move on by speaking to new people. it was part of the reason i hated seeing anyone else with Clem, besides the obvious - it was like seeing a stranger taking that happy ending away from me. it was during this period i had that afformentioned realisation that it was very likely my insecure behaviours and my added pressure that drove us apart, and with all of these things combined, i was being torn apart. it was hard enough thinking there'd be no avenue back together due to the time difference, but adding on that it was my behaviour that contributed to that, i thought there was absolutely no way.

i swallowed my pride, i called with her one morning in March, and i laid all my cards on the table. i apologised for the way i acted, the pressure i added to her, the way i made her feel like she wasnt good enough when she tried so hard, and i confessed that i still felt the same way i did back in 2021. to my utter disbelief, while it wasnt immediate (she was not long out of a difficult proximity relationship), she was open minded about our reconnection. i literally..... i could not begin to describe how it felt. how i mourned something for nearly a year, and had this small glimpse of hope.

the topic was to be readdressed later in the year, in her words, and since then we've just been flourishing. i've had one or two moments of doubt that she's reassured me on, but the change has been so drastic and so amazing. the new schedule navigates the 8hr time difference near flawlessly. we've got this brilliant fun dynamic and can talk together so easily, have comfortable silences or long incoherent NPC like babbles. we've both fallen asleep together on calls (not at the same time obvs with that time diff) she sends me mail, comforts me in all the many times of need i've had since due to medical problems, i love to listen to her stories and about her day, it's like 2022 never happened and we've been cheeky bouncing little cute romantic gestures now and then even though that topic wasn't supposed to come back til later in the year 🤭 we're both asexual (aego) and feel totally comfortable around each other knowing neither of us wants to tread any line of discomfort cus ultimately we both want the exact same thing, and have all the same preferences, to the point it's uncanny how fitting we are.

we're waiting until her trip to the UK in December to see if we're making things official -there's a lot of serious discussion that'd need to be had with me very emotionally and medically attached to the UK, but for now we're just living in the present and having fun and enjoying each others company and we'll worry about whatever else when the time comes. while i'm still insecure a lot of the time, it no longer manifests in needing something to negate it, i manage it on my own with the techniques i learned through CBT, and she boosts my confidence so much with her kind words and her actions. i open my eyes more to these things and use them to help navigate my insecurity, taking comfort in what is already right in front of me, knowing that if i wasn't good enough or wasn't the one, those things would not exist, those words would not be said. i'm so incredibly lucky and grateful for this second chance and i'm going to nurture this opportunity with all the love and self growth i can, in the hopes it will eventually hatch into the first relationship i've had in 6 years, and the first one i can actually genuinely call love.

because i do. it's not the right time to say the L word to her yet, that'll come when the time is right - but i'll say it here. i love her. i know it, it feels so genuine, i've never felt this way about anyone before in my life. not a single previous partner gave me this same sense of feeling like i'm on the right path in life the path that fate intended, and my destination is her. her laugh is so sweet and her personality is so peppy and confident and enthusiastic, shes got a brilliant sense of humour and a very sharp mind. she's serious when she needs to be but also very playful and silly. she's responsible, the perfect balance of childlike wonder and mature levelheadedness. she's immensely caring in her own unique love language that's unlike any other i've seen, there's no single category it seems to fall under as she covers so many bases with her gestures of good will, her kind words, the behaviours and things she will do for me that shows me she cares in her own personal way.

shes STUNNING. shes very self conscious of her appearence sometimes but man, i wish she could see what i see. shes positively radiant. her hair falls in the perfect way without even trying, her fashion sense is so well coded and falls so well on her perfect shape, her california dazzling smile and her sick piercings and her lovely tattoos and oh my gosh, her eyes. theyre the most beautiful sparkling ones ive ever seen, the most oceanic shimmery blue 💙

i'm so beyond enamoured with every single thing about her. there's not a single thing i would ever change about her, besides perhaps putting her in an L postcode because i want nothing more than to be by her side. i want her to be here, to be safe from terrible American healthcare and insane rent prices, the wildfires and earthquakes and pumas and sharks and whatever bloody else her state wants to put her in danger with. i want her to have the nice mild weather she craves, the cool breezes and the rain and the snow. i want to show her the world, and bring her to a safe haven here in the UK where she can always feel loved and always feel as perfect as she is, where she can access healthcare without having to worry about the cost, where she can live comfortably and financially secure, where she would never have to fear driving again with a solid public transport system, or getting to be the passenger princess forever (i've gone on record saying i will absolutely learn to drive to achieve that, i would be her personal 2002 ford focus chariot 😭💀) i know it's too early to say but i know that if she wanted to as well, later down the line, i feel like i've found the person i would love to spend the rest of my life with. settle down, let her have any dog she wants in a nice large house in Merseyside, take them for walks in Formby, travel Europe together now it'd be right on her doorstep, go and see all the old castles and architecture she loves and just feel at peace knowing neither of us would ever have to be scared or fearful of the one we love ever again. i hope to achieve even just a fraction of this during her first two week visit, to show her all the beautiful places in the UK, to show hercmy home of Liverpool, and how welcoming, friendly and picturesque it is. to welcome her into my flat and have her feel so comfortable and safe and happy that it ends up feeling like an extention of her own home too. i wanna see the wonder in her beautiful eyes as she takes in this whole new world she's never experienced before, and be the man to show her these things, and show her the true meaning of trust, love and companionship.

i'm not scared anymore.

i'm a domestic violence survivor, who thought i would never be attracted to anyone ever again, in any way at all. i fear nothing now. being in my home, sharing my bed, sleeping beside each other, all things i once feared that i'm now extremely hopeful for. she's helped me learn to love again, and one day she'll know this. but for now, it's just a silly lil tumblr post :) ❤️