#wanted me to compensate w/ somethin else when i couldn't make him any more money i guess
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Why do I still hate myself for not livin up to the person I used to pretend to be
#i don't wanna be that guy anymore#n it's not like anyone else wants me to be that either#except val maybe but fuck what he wants n also it was still never good enough for him anyway#or i guess it used to be. back home. long as i kept the act up at least.#wanted me to compensate w/ somethin else when i couldn't make him any more money i guess#but even when i put on my best damn performance to be what he wanted he found smth to pick apart#it's been easier than it used to resisting when i feel the pull again but....#i still feel like he was right about everythin. so now that i don't let him have me anymore i'm just a waste of space#still don't know if it's better this way or not#he wasn't always this fucking mean. i think he got worse here than he was back home.#i mean he was always an abusive piece of shit but. it wasn't impossible to keep him happy. just had to keep my head down n do what i'm told.#now if i seem too into it he'll just find a way to ruin it for me#he wants me to want him but not enjoy any of it. i'm supposed to hate every moment but still ask for more.#i don't fucking want that#so idk what it even is anymore that i think i'm supposed to be. i just know it's something else than this.#spdrvent
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