#wanted to work on my portfolio but my health caught up with me so im drawing some sillies instead ;_;

[sualne]

it has better stats.

[doki-mocha]

*lies down* i can’t apply. i wasted too much time in the engineering major i dont have enough time to catch up for the illustration major. i have to do engineering *sobs* like i spent the last hour setting up application and readying myself for transcripts and portfolio shit. so excited so excited. but i checked the transfer classes and boy do i got some classes i need to take. and my parents dont even want to me to go to s=this school so of course they wont let me apply to more art classes. 

i guess i should jusut make them happy an d go into engineering sinc eim already halfway there. (also im not cry typing im wear ing a splint because using the comp hurts righty jdhhdakdhsk) ive already wasted all my time doing enginerring lets just waste the rest. no w i just gotta figure out what kind of engineering or computer techy bullshit is bearable...bareable...bearbowl...i can do for the rest of my life. 

its just...let me rant for a bit

so junior year i decided hell yeah im gonna go into animation and go to art school and be an artist. im in senior year, my parents tell me engineering is  the place for you. you’re good at math! and im like sure! i cann do engineering and di art as a minor. i can bare it

cut to now after four years of thinking about it. 

nope cant bare it

MY BRAIN is not meant for this. i dont have the stamina or the will to keep going. i can do the math but i dont care enough abuout the subject to do my best. i have the memory of a fish. i remember shit from physics chemistry and math. you can jog my memory on equations but i f you ask me about idk something history or subjective i’ll blank.

i am a right brainer. i like writing, drawing, making scripts, and scenes. i like creating and i can go on forever (if my body lets me christ)

back to my stamina

hi

i cry all the time and my hair is falling out because of how much i hate what im doing. im strressed and want to die?? but im meant for it right? engineering is where im meantt o be? my parents say it, their friends say it, my family back home says it, the teachers say it. so its meant to be right? 4 years.

4 years. caught up between pleasing everyone and trying to do what i want on the side. but guess what has taken the backseat. oh yeah. my schoolwork.

idk whats up with my brain and why im so fixated on drawing. i put my health at risk to draw. im addicted? just going on with this addiction is bad, but makiing myself suffer through e n gin eering is bad too? so what do i do?

also idk what even engineering or it or tech shit im supposed to even go into. im not interested in this shit and its getting harder to pretend. my dad is disappointed in me and embarrassed of me. he has nothing to be proud of hes got nothing to brag at his friends about.

like sometiems i feel the only way to express how i really feel about this is kill myself

but i havent yet because i still want to draw

DRAWING IS WHAT STOPS ME FROM KILLING MYSELF

addicted? i know right. but its so hard to get waht i want. addicted little gremlin trying to be ambidextrous so i can draw more

the fuck is wrong with me? something in my head? gosh i want to kill myswelf there is no proper answr. now good ending. no solution.

the only soltuion i can think of is just go to therapy so this lady can stop me from killing myself every week for the rest of my life because i hate my life and my job. thats how the future looks

fuckin bleak

just

b l e a k

im a pessimist with low self esteem and has been wanting to die since i was 11? i had no reason to be like atht at 11 but now i have a reason but im too much of a pansy to do it. bleak bleak bleak

i shouldnt feel like this becaus e i am better off. my family can afford my college and i dont have to work. but i have to repay them by going to college and working in something they want from me.

am i sheltered or imprisoned

my brothers were able to run away by joining the us forces. theyre urging me to do the same/ hhaa nooo????

gosh i rant about the same things every week but i gotta because ITS STILL THERE NOT GETTING FIXED

I WAS TRYING TO FIX IT BY APPLYING TO ART COLLEGE BUT I CANT BECAUSE OF THE YEARS I WASTED DOING WHAT MY PARENTS WANT I CANT DO WHAT I WANT ANYMORE BECAUSE IM OUT OF TIME

WOULD DAD BE PROUD IF I FOLLOWED MY DREAMS AND BECAME FAMOUS AND HAPPY OR SOMETHING

OR WOULD HE BE HAPPY THAT IM MISERABLE AND MAKING MONEY ADN THEN KILLING MYSELG???

or would he be happy i followed my dreams, failed, have no job, and killed myself.

there are either 20 bad ends or 1 god tier out of reach in your dreams good end.

WHO KNOWS

AT LEAST ID BE HAPPY WALKING DOWN A FIELD OF FLOWERS AND THEM OFF A CLIFF THAN WALKING THROUGH COALS AND FLAMES OFF A CLIFF.

id die with some moments and memories of being happy.

right now? the only good memory i have is goin g to youmacon just recently

why?

because i have short term mmeory and i hate being alive

i wish i can remember good things dammit

why is my brain like this

why was  raised like this

why am i just like this

everybody and myself is to blame for this. all the good and the bad i cant remember. all of that made me the mess i am.

i cant change the past and i cant change the future because of all this shit holding me back. everything is holding me back

in cluding myself

i just wan tot enjoy myself again

maybe it will happen int he future

but right now

everything is justbleak