#watching their first tlc match rn

[oplishin]

truly i am a full 8 years late to this obsession with the shield what am i DOING HERE

[thelifetimechannel]

The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.  

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.

[skinchbbbwc2019]

The Television Project Sketches

The Television project

·        Parody sketch show of modern life/everyday life .

·        Somewhat random humour.

·        Limmy’s show/Loiter squad/Twilight zone

·        Probably all acted like me, I would be the “presenter” as it were.

The Television Project

Starts by man on screen tying up his laces , he looks up and says “ welcome to the television project” then holds a remote to the camera and turns the screen black.

Hikou (extended cutaway)

Presenter comes on screen , makes a series of ums and ahs as he looks around sheepishly then ends by simply saying “ that was my hikou, thank you”. Walks off screen.

Attention span (cutaway)

Man calmly says “Peoples attention spans are short these days” then walks off screen.

Camrelationsip

Series of scenes in which presenter begins a relationship with the camera (and therefore audience), almost porn like but done very earnestly.

Checkout

Normal checkout experience but interaction is like self checkout experience. Worker asks stone faced “ please check bagging area” ,etc.

Jasmine Tea

Man talks to camera and holds up 2 mugs, one looks colourful and “calming”, the other is a normal modern white mug. He asks “which mug would you pour this lovely pot of jasmine tea into ?”.He takes a beat , reacts to the audiences answer and then asks “what mug would you pour this tasty pot of coffee into?”. He takes another beat and just nods knowingly at the camera to scene ends.

What’s so funny?

Man laughing at something on a computer. Cut. Presenter comes on screen and says “You wondering what he’s laughing at?” . Escaltes.

Consciousness(cutaway)

Presenter walks on screen and asks “today’s question is… What IS Consciousness?”

Old Water

Man wakes up enormously thirsty. He begins to contemplate drinking the glass of water at the end of his bed. Evil voices in his head try and get him to drink it, it builds up dramatically to him taking a sip and just not enjoying it.

 Flexing on my feet

Trap song about designer socks.

Race neutral

A dystopian series of bits following a drug that makes the taker “race neutral” which is just white.

It changes the way they look, act , tastes, etc.

No one refers to it as being white, just “race neutral” or “RN”.

Initial segment can be an over the top infomercial .

Perhaps a small louis Theroux style parody on addicts of “RN” , they act like generic addicts (talking fast, scratching themselves, grinding teeth) with boring white twists, rambling about good school districts, coffee,etc.

A “lite” version comes out and there are riots in stores.

First Cigarette (possible cutaway)

Man smoking a cigarette directly addresses the camera and talks inspirationally about how good the first one of the day is, how it gives you that rush to get through the day and then finishes the cigarette and just gives a sad glance to the camera (being all you need to see that that speech wasn’t true)

Phone stories (cutaway)

Transition from previous segment to be zooming out from man watching the last segment on phone on Instagram, then clicks next story/post and it is just blurry footage someone filmed in a club and as he clicks on just lets out an annoyed sigh.

“Something’s wrong with my legs and they don’t know what”

Reoccurring Odd TLC style real life documentary about a guy who doesn’t know whats wrong with his legs , follows him going to multiple places to find out it isn’t THIS oddly specific thing. E.g. goes to a doctor and finds out its not cancer, maybe he has a catchphrase like “whats wrong with em”. Man should have accent  ( scouse, northern). Conclusion : “We have your results back… its not good… your legs don’t work”

Buzz (cutaway)

Man working at a computer hears a bee for a few seconds giving the illusion of tension, he kills the bee immediately.

Microwave (possible cutaway)

Man puts something in the microwave for 30 seconds, stands by the microwave as he “slowly” begins to have dramatic flashbacks to the beeping of the microwave (shot/acted like ptsd flashback). Man abruptly takes food out before the beeping starts with 2 seconds to go.

Sound swap

A reoccurring series of mundane/everyday scenes play out (e.g. going to the toilet, eating dinner,etc.) but individual sounds are replaced for comedic effect (e.g. flush, coughing, sink,etc.)

Train friends

Possibly series of scenes of a man on public transport noticing that nobody sits next to him, subtly looks disappointed. VO saying “why does no one sit next to me”.

In another scene perhaps he notices someone with people either side of him looking at him smugly (beginning some sort of personal rivalry).

Stairs

Sketch about how you know whos walking up stairs at home.

Cliffhanger

Man walks on raised sidewalk like a kid but escalates quickly into dramatic cliffhanger(music changes, fast cuts etc.). Suited men all of a sudden begin chasing him on raised sidewalk.-

Intellectual beard

Man’s beard gets itchy any time he does anything remotely intellectual , eventually starts bleeding.

Lipsync

A man lipsyncs a song into a mirror without breaking eye contact with himself.

Something in my throat

Man starts talking in a south African accent after he begins chocking on something. He pulls something nonsensical out of his throat like a length of rope.

Camera perspective

Scene begins with POV shot from man holding camera pointing at something far away , the camera falls and as it does we see the man is in the far away position casually eating a large sandwich. Someone comes and picks up the camera looking very surprised as they have just seen him disappear. They point it at the man and he waves.

Finishing sentences

Man in conversation begins to be cut off(in edit) right before he finishes his sentence, it appears to hurt him. He tries to keep his sentence going as long as he can.

Eye contact counter

Man has a conversation with someone (perhaps with camera) awkwardly and subtly looks away a lot, breaking eye contact. Each time he breaks eye contact a bell rings with a counter going up in the corner, maybe it’s a physical counter in the frame of the film.

Ad break

Man breaks structure of film and appears in the POV’s house as he is about to watch another screen. Man says “now time for a quick break”, pulls out a box of Bisto and simply says “ahhhhhhhhhhh” (like the ad) very rigidly while looking around smugly then walks away.

Tell it to Collin

Man is in the midst of a heated argument about whether it is “your” or “you’re”. The camera changes from him to a one shot of a dictionary.

Shouting match

Man on one screen has a loud conversation with the same man on another screen across the room .

[malumterrams]

So. This has nothing to do with writing or rp or inspiration of faceclaims.

But I’m venting here, because I do need to vent. This may not be coherent, I just need to write it down.

Some of you know what’s going on, some of you do not. Some of you don’t know the extent. Potentially triggering content below? Mentions of death, and illness.

I’m not working right now. I haven’t for a while, because I’ve been a full time caregiver for my grandmother.

So my grandma’s health has been declining for a while, she just got out of the hospital for the fourth time since June. Basically my Dad and I are taking turns living with her bc she can’t be alone. She’s 94.

They gave her a catheter for her heart. That turned out to be all they could do. The valve is calcified, but they couldn’t do the treatment they wanted because it turns out the valve is leaky and the blood flow would be too much.

She’d basically drown in her own blood.

They said other than that, she’s in pretty good shape for someone of her age. They said that we should do what we can to make sure the rest of her life is comfortable.

When asked, he said that could be anywhere from three months to three years. So that’s fun.

Really fun.

They were talking hospice, but then settled on palliative care which isn’t as “she’s gonna croak soon” as hospice. So that’s nice I guess. They can actually do it in home so she doesn’t have to move anywhere and can stay comfyish.

It’s the uncertainty of the whole thing that miffs me.

“3 months to 3 years”

Well there’s a big fuckin difference, doc.

She came home today. It took her 20 minutes to get in the house, even with my Dad and I helping her. She couldn't move her feet even.

She can't stand up straight, I was in front of her with my dad behind her as we helped her in the house and it was like she was head butting me in the stomach the way she was bent over. She was hyperventilating even with the oxygen. The one aid lady probably shouldn't be living alone, and should move into a facility. Of course she shut that down.

She refuses to move in any home, or even with us. So basically, we moved in with her.

Aid lady said that then she should at least have one of those life alert buttons. Again, no. She admitted it's easier getting into a hospital bed, but she still refused one. She agreed to a recliner. I think they're going to have physical therapy for her, and an aid who can be on call 24/7.

I wouldn't be surprised if she died tonight. There is no way she should have been released from the hospital, but there’s really nothing left that can be done aside from making her comfortable for however long she has left.

I left her with my dad and excused myself in because I'm had an anxiety attack. Once I came down from that I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody, which is a very good film, and that’s where I’m at rn.

Went home for the night, visiting my mom and sister. I’ll go back in the morning.

It won’t be the first time I’ve lost a loved one. It’s not the first time I’ve had to watch them decline.

This was so hands on though, because I had been taking care of her, and there’s really nothing left I can do. I feel so fucking helpless and I know she’s had a long life and I should be thankful for that and for whatever time we have left with her but I just.

Fuck it, y’know?

Fuck it up the ass with a rusty spork. I’m not ready to lose her. No one’s ever ready, but it’s just. Y’know. And I’m going to be a wreck. My dad’s going to be a wreck. Everyone.

And I honestly don’t know how we’ll recover, and go on. My dad’s in his late sixties now. I’m worried about how health. It’s just.

I hate all of this.

And I know some of you have lost loved ones, and seen them decline. I know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling right now, that it’s a thing.

My grandma just has always seemed so invincible, y’know?

For some perspective? She beat ovarian cancer. They didn’t think she was going to make it past 75.

She’s survived 2 heart attacks. She had bypass surgery. Congestive heart failure. She has diabetes. She’s had pneumonia three times that I can remember.

She’s broken her hip and had it replaced. She had a broken ankle. Falls where she’s not broken anything, but was pretty fuckin’ bruised up.

She’s like the energizer bunny, she just keeps going... and now she isn’t. Now she’s barely mobile.

And I know what she’s survived is impressive, again, I should be thankful.

It just. There are no words to describe the feeling.

She won’t be there at my wedding, if I ever get married. I reconciled that. She won’t be there at my sister’s wedding. If my sister ever has kids, she won’t live to see them.

She’s gotten to know all her other great grandchildren, but hey.

She won’t do word searches anymore, she goes through a book in less than a week.

All her actual books, there are literally hundreds. Maybe into the thousands. What are we going to do with those? Donate them? I doubt anyone will want them, some are over 50 years old, but we’ll see.

Her furniture. We can take some of that, I guess. Her clothes. Idk.

I’m not going to go over every other night, watch reruns of Match Game on the Buzzer network.

Andy Griffith on MeTV and TV Land.

All the TLC shows. Little people. Obese people. Big families, and saying yes to dresses. People marrying people they’ve known for 90 days.

I won’t get up in the morning and pour a bowl of corn flakes, with evaporated milk, which is just the grossest thing ever.

I won’t be forced to watch The Talk or all the CBS soaps. I won’t be kept up to date on what’s going on with that crusty bastard, Victor Newman.

A part of me will die with her. Part of me is declining with her. There’s not a fucking thing I can do about that.

I can love her, keep her happy and comfy, spend time with her.

This is going to hurt like a motherfucker, to quote one Michael Scott. That’s a massive understatement.

I haven’t gotten over the death of my cat, nearly four years ago. I have his paw print framed on my night stand. The little bell on his collar is now on my key ring. I had that cat since I was 4 years old. I’m 24 now. Do the math.

I’ve lost my great uncle, who was the closest thing I ever had to a grandpa, because both of mine passed before I was born. He adored me, because he and his wife never had kids of their own, so no grandkids. I lost my step-grandpa on my mom’s side. Same thing. I lost my great aunt, the aforementioned great uncle’s wife.

My cousin, who I’m quite close to, lost his wife. Cancer. Started in her breast, she fought it for years. It made it’s way to her brain when it killed her. She was in her thirties. Left behind two kids.

And those fucking hurt. My grandma, though. This is going to be in a league of it’s own. Nothing could come close to it. And I’m not ready for that pain. I’m not ready to see my dad experience that pain.

It’s painful enough watching her decline, but when she goes, and when she’s just not here.

I don’t fucking know.