#waves hands vaguely at s2: but what if they talked about things a lil more

[behld]

@killmeorfuckoff.      no one should have to feel responsible for the entire world.

should means less than nothing nowadays when their reality is such as it is;      he is exhausted,      atlas’ burden pressing on his tired shoulderblades,      towering tape recorders pushing him down until he is entirely buried beneath their weight,      unable to even reach towards the surface      —

he hasn’t slept in some time.      it’s probably the only reason tim’s gotten through to having a conversation with him;      jon’s defenses are not what they would be were he well-rested.      he can’t summon the energy to put up walls between them,      and is having trouble remembering why he bothers to in the first place;      in this haze,      it is both an undeniable fact and an impossibility that tim could be trying to kill him;      don’t they have matching scars from prentiss’ worms?      doesn’t that mean something?      whether it means trust or not,      that’s beyond him,      but it must mean something.      everything must.

‘      doesn’t matter,      ’            jon says,      voice weighed down with his sleeplessness,      the wry laugh that emerges nothing short of depressing.      of course he has to be responsible for the world.      because everything is real,      all of it,      every goddamn tape-recorded statement in these archives.      because his childhood demons are coming back to haunt him.      because he’d seen prentiss and seen mr spider and seen the thing calling itself michael and probability means that there is so much more out there,      so many deadly things out to kill them all,      and if he is the only one with the accumulated stacks of knowledge to stop it all,      then      ...      he has to do something,      right?      he has to.

he tries to smile at tim,      but it comes out more of a grimace.      he stops trying.      too much everpresent fear gnawing at him to form an expression even approaching happiness;      jon should know that by now.            ‘      maybe you’re right.      maybe nobody should have to be responsible,      but i would argue,      as well,      that nobody should be attacked by whatever prentiss was;      nobody should be       —      anything that happens here,      anything the fools who wander in to give their statements suffer through.      so of course if i’m      —      if i’m in a position to study it,      to find out anything about      —      about any of it,      don’t i have a responsibility to do so?      ’

christ,      it isn’t the job he signed up for,      not by a longshot.      it always did seem strange to jon that he,      underqualified and quite content in his research position,      should be chosen as archivist.      he’d hidden his qualms beneath a mask of false confidence and dismissal,      but that facade has long since cracked.      he’s so tired.            ‘      i can’t do anything else,      tim.      ’