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#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science
opens-up-4-nobody
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8 months
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#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?
#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her
#but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav
#a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭
#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now
#while im still a bit elevated
#which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends
#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science
#we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r
#leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here
#support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here
#and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact
#my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun
#and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful
#but im just really happy i got accepted here
#and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering
#the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy
#means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved
#this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b
#honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh
#its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop
#and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better
#its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and
#this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt
#ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like
#defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr
#unrelated
#meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH
#R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away
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