#we figured out that the demons have sent a strike force to the material plane to get the fire orb we're after

[bravest-notts]

i spotted vax peering over the edge of my ottoman while we were playing dnd, so my DM made this (while still running a fight no less)--

"Meow do you want to do this?"

[theequeerstrian]

Here goes my first Butter Omens Opener!

Approximately 1k words

For written replies, I request a 3k word cap.

Suggestive replies welcome, but please keep it SFW!

Mine

It happened exactly as one might expect, many years after the Apocalypse had been averted. Crowley and Aziraphale had finally, truly relaxed into their retirement, spending most of their days in London, and their nights at their shared beachfront cottage. They were relaxed and happy, sharing a picnic out on their miraculously private beach. The two of them had shared many picnics here, but none so eventful as this. They had finished their sandwiches and were about to tuck into dessert, when a violet tinted lightning bolt split open the sky, depositing an irate Gabriel barely a hundred feet from where they were both reclined. 

"You know," he said, his voice roiling with years of pent up fury. "We may have failed to kill you and your disgusting demon friend," he spat the word like it was vile acid on his tongue, "but I figure, what the hell. My sword killed plenty in the rebellion. I bet it'll still kill you both." 

Both partners scramble to their feet amidst Gabriel's monologue, and as soon as his feet are under him, Crowley's wings burst forth from the aether as he prepares to launch himself at the Archangel. But he's not quite fast enough. 

Before Crowley's wings have fully manifested on the material plane, Aziraphale's have swept down, launching himself full force at Gabriel. He did not have a weapon as the pair had set out for their picnic, but what he did have was an umbrella, and an umbrella imbued with the holy reckoning of the Principality Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate, aiming to strike with protectiveness in his heart is a powerful weapon indeed. 

What Gabriel had not accounted for during these last few years (in which the other Archangels had decided to pretend everything was fine) was the fact that while he was himself a powerful bureaucrat, Aziraphale had been designed as a warrior. 

Nevertheless, the battle was intense. Aziraphale's initial attack was a brutal shoulder check to Gabriel's core, knocking him off his feet and the wind from his corporation's lungs. With a swing of his umbrella turned staff, he knocked Gabriel's sword away across the sand, well out of reach. 

Gabriel rallied, springing back to his feet, but Aziraphale spun his staff, landing a heavy, echoing blow to the Archangel's skull. His opponent dazed, Aziraphale twirled the staff again, slamming across his chest, spun again, the backs of his knees making them buckle, a swirling series of twists and spins landed blows across Gabriel's gut, each temple, smashed his nose, and clocked him on the back of the head, finally knocking him prone. 

Just over a hundred feet away, frozen in awe by their picnic, Crowley had been rooted to the spot from the moment Aziraphale launched into action with breathtaking speed and efficiency. 

As the battle progressed and the winner to be became overtly obvious, Crowley merely sank to his knees in awe, sitting back on his heels as he removed his sunglasses and watched Aziraphale's display of protectiveness and holy might. His wings fell slack to his sides, keeping them manifested just in case, though as he watched Aziraphale grab Gabriel by a foot and twist and slam his body overhead and back to the hard packed sand, he knew his readiness was a formality. 

With the fight well and brutally won, Gabriel cowered on the ground with a staff poised over his throat, begging Aziraphale not to kill him. 

"Your fate is in God's hands, Gabriel. Do you truly believe She wanted this? Do you think God wanted you to come here, your heart filled with hate, and attack us both? You truly have no faith in Her will if you think we would even be capable of averting the apocalypse if She intended for it to happen.

"You will leave, Gabriel, and you will do so for good this time. Crowley and I are to be left alone. Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn't bother going back to Heaven. I have a strong suspicion the others won't appreciate your little act of rebellion here today."

Gabriel sputtered. "You don't- you have no idea what's going on in Heaven anymore! What makes you think I wasn't ordered to kill you?"

"Oh, it's really quite simple actually," Aziraphale answered with a smile dripping in false sweetness. "If Heaven actually intended for an Archangel to come here and destroy me, they would have sent Micheal. He, at least, may have lasted for a few rounds before getting a mouthful of sand and a heartful of regret.

"Now go. And never return." 

Gabriel flees. 

Aziraphale flies back to Crowley, immediately concerned by his posture and kneels in front of him. He places one hand on his ribs to steady him, the other at the back of his head for the same. But both of Crowley's hands come up to frame Aziraphale's face, eyes wide and fully serpentine with awestruck adulation for his angel. 

"Aziraphale," he whispers, almost too softly for Aziraphale to even hear. 

"I'm here, my Crowley. I'm here. Are you hurt?" he asks, looking over frantically, wings coming up and mantling over Crowley posessively. Mine, he finds himself thinking. Less an active thought, more an acknowledgement of fact in the background of his racing mind. 

"M'fine, angel. You were," he tries, but stops. "that was," he tries again, tongue tying in his mouth and cheeks warming as he attempts to express the breadth of what he's feeling in the moment. "ngk," he says, and finally gives up on coherent expression for the moment.  Realization slowly dawns within Aziraphale's mind, pushing aside everything else galloping through his mind. 

"Oh," he says, leaning into Crowley's space. "Oh, my dear. I see," he says, and leans in close, placing a gentle kiss on Crowley's upturned lips. Aziraphale would not have thought Crowley's expression could have gotten more awestruck, but there it is, and Aziraphale could spend the rest of his unending life basking in this, in the way Crowley is looking at him. Aziraphale knows his own expression is displaying his protectiveness and unmitigated fondness, unrestrained for Crowley's own indulgence. 

[overfedvenison]

D&D Journal, Session 5 - Charn gets off the hook for Treason

Alright! Dnd journal... This is an eventful one

So - Last time, Okra the Orc Princess was murdered after Charn and Arka committed treason and Adrick the Dwarf made a deal with a demon and blanked out.

Charn and Arka had to begin by presenting themselves in front of the king and justifying why they kept the stone instead of fulfill on their duty. The king sent out the Paladins to retrieve everyone, most of whom complied... Adrick requested a Paladin watch over his hammer and armor as he couldn't go armed.

Charn was an issue... He refused to allow Arka to go, saying that Arka knows nothing of the lands and has sealed herself in the vault. A deal was made to allow her to stay... Charn being pretty insulting to the Paladin by not paying him proper respect.

He's smart, though, and upon seeing the king spoke only in turn. He was given a chance to defend himself... And took it, preparing a long speech justifying these actions.

"May I speak feely?" "You may. Justify yourself."

I got through my first point, and the king stated that he understood and the ability to renegotiate the deal is beneficial to this kingdom... Then I said I wasn't done. Let me post my notes on this.

Backstory if you forgot: We were tasked by the king's guard to go to perform a mission for Shira, a demon allegedly dedicated to maintaining the war of Demons and Devils so that the material plane does not fall to the victor. She tasked us with retrieving a Shard of Obsidian from the Mistveil Orcs, making us make an accord to do so (Which Charn weaseled out of.) We obtained the shard, then refused to give it back, and then the orcish princess we allied with was murdered - allegedly by a Black Raven.

And my whole notes on why we kept the shard

Section one: Arguments on the face of it.

1 - No even exchange. As far as anyone is aware, the deal is purely that we give a demon an artifact that will massively boost the power of their army for no return, or a minor return. Even if her intentions are genuine, this methodology is flawed. Although this is right and honorable and for any earthly country would instill strong diplomatic ties in the future, here I feel a proper exchange of resources is a bare minimum. Unlike other societies, good will is not an outcome here - Demons will not honor any past favors that were not an explicit agreement when parlaying in the future.

2 - No goodwill. To almost anyone on the material plane, the free offering of aid in a time of crisis for mutual benefit is a wise, charitible, and intelligent maneuver that will instill long-term goodwill and political relations. However, this is a deal with demons - Creatures of evil and greed. No matter how much charity you show them, they will never return gifts in kind unless an explicit deal is made. Furthermore, though offering aid at no cost to them in a time of need is a noble and goodly action towards humanoids, it will likely communicate that this kingdom is an easy place to exploit for personal gain to a demon.

3 - Potential for failure. Again, assuming Shira is telling the truth and entirely genuine in her actions, there is the potential she will fail, have the stone stolen, or become corrupted by it's power and elect to overtake the enemy forces instead of fight them to a neutral position. In any of these scenarios - And I remind you that time flows much faster in that plane, so these outcomes may come sooner rather than later - we will be facing a much more powerful enemy than if we had simply done nothing

4 - Potential gain. For the reasons above, this is a bad deal even if the demons themselves had only the resources of a common country to offer. However, this is a deal that might only come once in a lifetime - A deal with a demonic commander in which, to use a proverb, all the cards are in your hand. If this is genuinely needed, you could gain untold riches, magical items, or enough demonic aid to end the War against the Elven Lands in a fortnight.

5 - Breaking of a demonic accord. Unless someone else spoke first, I was the only one to accept this quest from Shira herself. My words were chosen carefully to get me out of any demonic accords: I stated that I could investigate the misty islands, but could not guarantee our success. As such, we can currently renegotiate at no penalty.

Section two: Things not adding up.

In this section I will elucidate how I believe that Shira is lying to us, and using us for her own gain. This is less factual, and more speculative than the previous section, but may bear greatly on your decision-making process.

1 - Timeline. Shira stated that she needed our aid, or else she would lose the war. She could not leave her current area, or she would fall, and so needed us to explore and find the object for her. Despite this, we took over two months in travel time - a period several years in the demonic realm. As such, I believe that she is in no real danger of losing the war anytime soon, although she is perhaps in a slow decline... Surely the over two years of losing battles with her there, is the equivalent of the week or so without her that it would take for her to obtain the Shard herself even if she for some reason couldn't defer this task to a capable demon

2 - Chosen heralds. Shira had us go obtain the item for her, an odd choice. Foremost, we are not especially noteworthy... At the time we had only a few conditional victories and were trusted scouts, but had a reputation for bad communication and poor teamwork. Further, we had made a terrible impression. Upon seeing her and her plane, our Lizardfolk Ally froze in shock and could not move, our dwarf struck him near-dead, and she watched us almost die to a demon while laughing. Again, I stated outright that I could not guarantee our success. In short, no one who legitimately needed this object would possibly trust us - She would want a teacher of the Petrels, a Squad of Ravens, or at least a party that displayed great competence. However her choice makes a large amount of sense if she saw us as competent enough to succeed, but incompetent and inexperienced enough to not question things or stand up for our doubts.

3 - Dismissal of humanity and it's allies. Shira was casually dismissive of humanity and it's allies, as incompetents who would die almost immediately should the blood war spill into our plane. Even ignoring our party's issues, it makes little sense as to why she would choose even the best of humanity to aid her if she believes this - Surely a demon commander has contacts in other planes willing to help if she is genuinely just trying to keep the balance

4 - Obfuscation. She was highly evasive of offering information and relied on awe to trust that we would accept a face-value explaination. For instance, she did not tell us what the shard did and gave vague answers when pressed. At one point she told us an outright falsehood - That the material plane would instantly fall should hell invade. Even after we returned, we were subtly threatened by vale members for compliance. This could be evidence of double-speak and attempting to obscure details, although it is also somewhat consistent with typical demonic habits.

5 - Demonic presence of vale members. We suspect various vale members of consorting with demons that would undermine the crown, possibly through deliberate conspiracy or through domination. We have sighting of fanged members and unusual happenings, but due to the timeframe lack solid evidence at this time

For these reasons, we suspect the entirety of Shira's story is an utter fabrication. I believe she is using us to gain the shard, for power, in order to win the blood war, and may be manipulating the vale in it's entirety in order to do so. As such, I suspect returning this shard will do the exact opposite of what is stated, and may lead to the material plane's destruction.

Additionally, I suggest a thorough investigation of the vale in it's entirety.

....The DM seemed to state "Is my plot that easy to see through? What the hell" and someone made the joke "Profession (Lawyer)" to me.

This begins the saga of Charn: Master Investigator - I go around with my Armor Coat and Revolver solving crimes. This is my new life, and I eagerly accept it. I thought I was slowly becoming a cowboy accidentally, turns out, NO, I'm a PI.

...Ahem, I was given three months to figure out what to do. As well as 25 lashings for high treason; Arka had to endure as well. A rough night, but not an unwarranted one. And Pavia spoke out of turn and insulted someone in the king and queen's prescence, and so was put in the stocks.

---

...Adrick was in the bar that night with Alia, the Aasimar. Soon a tiefling bard strolled up and played them a song - Knocking out everyone but Adrick. They discussed some of their dark deals, and he made another demonic accord - One to get his homeland strength and power, to allow him to take the crown, to give him honor, and to ensure prosperity. At his darkest moment, he got a taste of the abyssal... And now he will run with it.

The Aasimar awoke, and confronted him on it. She couldn't see through his lies, but something was VERY WRONG. It seems she became somewhat headstrong, and is a bit less of a passive entity - a bit of character growth.

The argument was protracted, and the Aasimar refused to budge. Adrick countered by insisting this had to do with him and his home land, and was the private business of a Thane. In the end, the Aasimar was physically attacked by an unarmed strike as Adrick became enraged. Tosh, the party's fox, was here too observing, and brought the situation down by joking and getting everyone to leave, and joking with the bartender.

The next day, Adrick would speak to the king and arrange a trip to the dwarven lands to try and smooth over the currently-rocky relationship between Angelpoint and the Daarves. Once he is free, they will depart. And thus, his schemes begin.

---

Adrick came to meet Arka and I after we recovered from our lashings. He offered us a day at a local spa/bathouse... In-character, we knew nothing of his schemes and machinations, and took this to mean that he was apologizing for getting angry at us for dishonor. We eagerly accepted and decided to head to to decide what to do.

During the spa day, we mapped out our current quests... - A visit to the Dwarven Lands to ensure Diplomatic Relations - The murder of Princess Okra, and smoothing over relationships with the Orcs - Proving the Mistveil is a puppet organization to allow Shira to gain power, or proving their innocence instead - Fighting the threat of the Elven Lands and the plague therein - Figuring out what to do with the shard

...We all agreed that the Orcs are the most pressing issue, and so Adrick and Alia decided to take a ship ahead to try and calm them while we held back and gathered evidence. They had a long encounter fighting orcas commanded by merfolk (allies of the orcs, long story) and eventually got to the shore.

As for the rest of us, we had a mystery to solve - Charn, Arka, and our fox, Tosh