#we hadn't spoken in years because i couldn't handle that abuse anymore
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it’s 5am, i’ve been up for an hour because body decided it’s time for Awake and now i’m just sad about my lack of sleep
[sad rambling in tags, feel free to ignore]
#it doesn't help that i'm also generally sad#moving into my own place is fine but fuck i miss being around people#the holiday season from october to january always feels so incredibly lonely to me#lack of family + past issues i guess#this is also going to be the first year i'm truly alone for any of the holidays and i just#i don't like it#i don't even celebrate most of them but i wanted to celebrate samhain with loved ones and that's not looking like something i can do#october is usually my favorite month but this year it just feels deserted#i have a few friends locally but they're either too broke or too busy to do anything#which is fine and fair it just sucks#ugh#still have my dog at least :')#and i'm going to an oddities expo tomorrow so maybe that'll help a little#i hate waking up like this#november is also the month my mom died several years ago#we hadn't spoken in years because i couldn't handle that abuse anymore#but i still mourn the what-ifs every year regardless#what if she had stopped drinking and applied herself#because when she passed i was just starting to think maybe i could forgive and bond with her instead of be mindlessly angry#and then i was hit by the realization there will never be reconcilliation#so the fact her death anniversary is in november and her birthday was early december and the combo of that with the holiday season is hard#might delete later idk#just venting to the void
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