#we're in the brief phase i like to call 'establishing backstory mode'

[holocene-sims]

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june 25, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] before i forget, i got you a few books…

[grant] oh really?

[margot] i give all my trauma patients books at some point. so here you are. these will get you started. the first one is a really great in-depth look at trauma as a historical and inherited process and it's called "it didn't start with you." and the second one is a new book that was recommended to me.

[margot] i'm so glad you happened to mention that the previous exercise worked for you because that second book is a thirty day challenge. maybe start on it the first of july. every day, open it up and do that day’s exercise. each one is different and targets a lot of various topics. some are pretty heavy, some of them are lighter and more fun. i thought you might appreciate that. it’s also a little bit more regimented, since you seem to like having something specific to work on towards versus doing open-ended work.

[grant] i'm actually really surprised "the body keeps the score" isn’t in here. i hear about that one all the time.

[margot] it is an excellent book, but i don’t think that’s the book for you. you’re welcome to read it on your own time, but i'd recommend you don’t.

[grant] why? just curious.

[margot] it’s a very hard-hitting book. my clients who have read it say they struggle to tackle more than a couple pages at a time. most importantly, the main theme of that book is how trauma makes us sick…

[grant] and i have an incurable autoimmune disease because of trauma.

[margot] exactly.

[grant] you know, getting diagnosed with that was the only reason i came to decide i need professional help for my trauma and mental health issues. if i hadn’t, i would have persevered on without help.

[margot] really? i didn't know that was your big reason why.

[grant] if you want the full explanation, i'll give it to you.

[margot] sure, go ahead.

[grant] i've been physically ill for a long time. i remember getting sick right after my oldest sister died. it just came out of nowhere. i woke up and my whole body was nonfunctional for a few days. i couldn’t even get out of bed. no one knew what was wrong with me, though it’s not like my parents even cared. they thought i was being dramatic.

[grant] and then i stayed sick. i can’t remember the last time my body didn’t hurt. but no one listened because i've always remained able to function in daily life until i obviously injured my back at work. then finally a doctor had to put me through imaging instead of dismissing me.

[grant] and what do you know, they were stunned to see such a severe case of my disease. they told me that people my age with my disease don’t usually have half their spine fused together already. i guess that’s more common when you get older, like middle age and up, but mine was already terrible. it was so bad they made me go see a functional medicine doctor to figure out why. of course it was trauma and inflammation.

[grant] that information didn't make me ecstatic. i've been through the ringer, some of it my fault and some of it not, but i got mad at myself and wondered i could have avoided getting sick if i'd done better and been nicer to myself and my body, or if things had been different in my life.

[margot] precisely why you don’t need that book. you already know that trauma makes you sick. all that book is going to do is make you feel worse. we can’t go back in time and undo the damage. you’ll only further resent that your health was destroyed and resentment is already such a troubling part of trauma.

[margot] there are some great passages or quotes in there, but it’s not worth it. i could easily just give you the good cuts out of it.

[grant] well, thank you so much for these. i really appreciate it. i'll for sure start on the thirty day thing first thing next month. any recommendations for how to do it?

[margot] no, you just answer the prompts or do the exercises however you see fit, and you can do whatever you need to get you thinking or ready to write. the only thing i'd maybe recommend is getting yourself a nice journal to write everything in. my clients said it was a lot more impactful to have something dedicated for it instead of typing it or putting it on a random loose sheet of paper.