#we've moved on from crippling anxiety and depression

[depressedtransbian]

Well, it's been a minute, hasn't it? Time has certainly gone by since my last update. So, I'll fill y'all in on things:

-I started SW properly, posting stuff on Reddit. Have a decent-ish following on there, and I figure once I reach 500 followers or so I'll start a proper OF and see how that does.

-I broke up with Ellie (out-of-state partner). No matter what I did, or said, or tried, she would not seek any kind of help for her crippling depression and anxiety. My first wife went through a very similar thing, refusing to seek treatment even though I implored her to, and it took the threat of divorce to get her to a hospital where we discovered her kidneys had shut down completely. I wasn't about to go through that hell again. I can't. Call me what you will, but I can't.

-Moved. Beginning of January we got a notice from our landlord that our rent was going up by $100/mo, and that place was NOT worth that price. So we decided to move. In the process, we got rid of a lot of stuff we didn't need any longer, fixed the bedbug problem (or so we thought; they just popped back up in the last few days after a few months of living here), and managed to find a house to rent as opposed to an apartment, which is what we've been wanting.

-Started seeing a proper psychiatrist in an effort to regulate my meds and boost my mental health.

-Tried to start dating one of the people from our D&D table, who seemed really interested, who then suddenly turned cold right before our date and hasn't shown any romantic proclivities since.

-Got back into online dating, via HER, and found a REALLY cool person whom I'm meeting for coffee (and more than likely more than that) tomorrow evening. And bonus, they also really like Uni, and if things keep progressing like this we might just be in a triad sooner rather than later! Which is awesome!!!

-Had my 40th bday, and Uni got me a stuffie I've been wanting for a while, the Squishables Lich!!!

So yeah, the past few months have been HELLA busy. But things were still going great-ish. Ever since moving Hanna's been super tight about money, which is fine, and she's also been looking at changing jobs to a less stressful one, which is also fine (even though I think the job hunt is causing her more stress than her current job is).

But all that's what it is. I'm just trying to be the best mid-tittied Semi-goth girlfriend/housewife I can possibly be. Some days my energy levels are shit, some days I don't get anything done. But I still try, and that's what matters most.

Cheers, y'all. See y'all soon!

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Hewwo!

I can't feel nothing but anger and anxiety lately. I have diagnosed with bipolar depression but pills doesn't work.

Also I'm self diagnosed aspd, our psychologists know shit about aspd, they little know about bpd but in a worst way.

Do you have any suggestion for self control?

hewwo! i will do my best to help without knowing your exact situation but heres some stuff that ive picked up over the years ive spent being alive

first off. if you are actively in a horrible situation (being abused, shitty workplace etc) there is nothing i can do for you. there is no treatment in the world that can override the fight-or-flight reflex of actively being in danger. i learned this the hard way- i was only able to really start healing from my ptsd once i moved away from my parents and wasnt, yaknow, getting more ptsd. which extends to the personality disorders i got from being abused as an extension of said ptsd

HOWEVER there might be things that minutely help- this stuff is gonna be a bigger help once you're out of said horrible situation (if you're in one) but sometimes things that help, help

self control wise: here's a little trick: PEMDAS that shit. do you catastrophize because of your anxiety? well, that's whats gonna keep your aspd in check.

is this a particularly healthy piece of advice to give? probably not. but we're working with what we've got here. its kind of like chemotherapy: blasting someone with radiation isn't healthy per se, but it gets rid of a worse thing, and once the worse thing is gone Then you can work on healing from the chemo itself

not to say that aspd is akin to cancer, because it isn't. but hey that makes our work here much easier!

FOR EXAMPLE: when i was a teen, i had some pretty insanely strong urges to steal. i was also afraid of the cops, and had really bad surveillance paranoia. i knew that stealing would be a bad idea, because if i got caught, it'd be hell to pay at home. so what did i do? let my anxiety and paranoia run wild and free!

i wanted to steal? well, i'm always being watched, which means everyone's gonna see that i stole, which means the cops are gonna come after me, which means my mom is gonna find out, which means im gonna go to jail, which means even after i get out my mom will isolate me Even More for being a criminal, and scream at me about how i'm dangerous. and that made me so scared that i didnt do it!!

i wanted to physically attack my mom? well okay i knew she was too much of a pussy to call the cops on me and i was already being isolated so it was a dick tits whatre you gonna do cancel us some more kinda situation

if you dont know what im talking about: youre welcome

hope that cheered you up a little

i use this nowadays for holding myself back from detroit becoming violent: the cops will be here and i will go to jail for So Many Years and im crippled i would not do well in jail ill get sicker and sicker

so kind of like that?

if the self control relates to worrying that you'll hurt someone you care about, try and remind yourself that your relationship with them could suffer or become completely shattered if you did smth stupid out of anger

also: i saved this for last because it doesnt answer your question in particular, but id advise trying to figure out if your anger and anxiety have any specific triggers. does your anxiety manifest itself as anger? do you get anxious when you start to become angry? does a specific situation or person make these feelings arise? figuring out why you're feeling the way you do can help with management, whether it be thru knowing what youre up against to better cope with it, or thru walking away from something you now know is triggering

anywaye i hope any of this helped! i'm not the best at giving advice so i hope this wasnt total crap! goodluck!! :)

[gods-no-longer-tread-here]

we all know that depression can worsen itself through tricking one into believing that there's no point in trying to do basic things like eat, move, or interact with others. we know that ADHD symptoms compound each other all the time, time blindness and executive dysfunction being obvious examples.

I don't think we talk enough about how anxiety disorders make you afraid of Not Being Anxious, though.

as many of my followers know (because I won't shut up about it), I was recently diagnosed with OCD. the first sign of that probably was when I was 17, meeting a new therapist, and said my goal in therapy was to "Not be so scared all the damn time". but the thing is, anxiety disorders are structured to perpetuate themselves, just like most other mental illnesses.

I can't speak on things like personality disorders or the schizophrenia spectrum, but I got mood disorders, and my family is RIFE with ADHD and autism on both sides. I am very well acquainted with the machinations of anxiety. First is the base level, visible stuff: perfectionism, irritability, possessiveness and favoritism, self-doubt. Then there's the stuff you might discuss with a therapist or close friend: crippling self-loathing, fear that everyone hates you or will hate you, the certainty that you do not deserve help. And then there's the core of anxiety: who are you if you aren't scared anymore?

What happens if you stop preparing for the worst case scenario? If you stop carrying a full first-aid kit every time you so much as go to the grocery store? If you don't follow your rituals, that are so quirky and cute to outsiders and deeply irritating to your closest loved ones, and keep the world from falling apart around you? If you tune out the prophet in your head warning you that your friends are angry at you? If you let yourself have hope that you'll be rewarded, or at least not punished?

What's underneath your fear? What's under these intricate layers of doubt and shame and paranoia and self-hatred? Nothing. If you are not anxious, you are not You, and therefore you are nothing.

This is not unique to anxiety disorders. But I don't think enough people realize that it's so deeply part of anxiety disorders, too. We've heard of Tortured Artists refusing help because they're worried their art will be less meaningful, but have we heard of the Irritable Workaholic who refuses to slow down because they're terrified they will simply stop being useful or productive? Have we talked about the Burnt Out Child who doesn't dare tell anyone that they're broken by the age of twelve, because they're scared of being punished for struggling? Have we met the Doormat Friend who will do anything to appease or help because if they can't Give, then everyone will Leave, and they will be Alone?

Anxiety disorders get downplayed too much. They can fucking ruin you and your sense of self. I wish we had room to discuss anxiety.

[aceofbooks]

Knowing that my old therapist would be at least kind of proud of current me, is honestly holding me together more than it should.

I no longer get the urge to drive away and never look back every time I get in my car, so like major improvement.

[sagebodisattva]

Absurdism, Existentialism and Nihilism

Exploring the nuances of the similarities and differences between Absurdism, Nihilism, Existentialism, and Existential Nihilism. So let's back up a bit...

So, you've decided to reject theism. You've finally arrived at the point where you are done with the concept of a sky daddy. Congratulations. You've just graduated kindergarten in philosophy, and now you are, for all intents and purposes, an atheist; which just means you are standing at the starting point of an existential journey, poised at an intersection with your backpack and walking staff, deciding where you will go from here. Maybe you will decide not to go anywhere, which is the most popular decision. Indeed, the starting point is a crowded area, with many people who have taken up a permanent camp there, and they will not go anywhere from here for the duration of their lives. They have rejected theism, have become an atheist, and this is where their story ends. They don't question existence, don't grapple with the existential considerations into the implications of what the rejection of theism ultimately means, and don't bother with philosophical explorations into the absurdity of a meaningless universe. Instead, the atheist's meaning, which becomes his convenient means to circumvent the journey, becomes simply materialism. The meaning, value, purpose and narrative of the universe is simply taken at face value; naïve realism at it's finest, which is basically the mindset that the meaning of existence is simply the management of different arrangements of materials, of which, no deep thought is required.

Indeed, from this mindset, the existential agency is considered to be an inconsequential byproduct, an obstacle even; as we've often heard it referred to as "the hard problem of consciousness." This is where the existential agency is relegated to being a physical substance. That the measure of our existence can be reduced to a chemical, or to some other type of externalized material source.

Not many realize it, but this position is basically a crude form of pantheism, but atheist's don't consider it as such because their aversion to the word “god” helps them frame it differently in their minds. But really, is it any different? If one believes they are a product of some type of function of a universe, and that this universe is the source of all material manifestations, then this attributes some aspect of the universe as the producer of existence, and it matters not if it was a random event, not helmed by any mythological intelligent deity or any other kind of theological designer. This is still essentially pantheism; it's just not labeled as such, nor ever spoken about.

An atheist may counter these suggestions by thinking that they don't know anything for certain, and are perfectly ok with not knowing, and indeed ignorance can be bliss; if one is content to be a simpleton who neither finds any utility in probing into things beyond the surface, nor any engagement by exploring, questioning and observing reality beyond the shallows of superficial appearances. This is a very near-sighted myopic mode of being; not much different then animal consciousness, which often morphs into simple hedonism: eat, drink, shit, piss, fuck, and sleep, and that's it. Is this really the end result of where science leads? Is the aim of science to reduce everything to the most unremarkable mundane explanation possible so we can pursue bestial desires, and then call this uncertainty? To be confident in the fact that we are nothing more then material phenomena doesn't sound very uncertain to me; as if chalking off existence to something called "material phenomena", actually means anything, or provides a satisfying answer to philosophical inquiry. If you are really uncertain, then you cannot be confident in the substantiality of the assumed material phenomena, no matter how many times you can demonstrate something by experiment, test and retest.

What about when science implies that the senses do not convey the truest representation of what is appearing to be actually there? Uh oh. This might require some philosophy. Ah yes, but to the atheist, philosophy is not worth anything either, and is relegated to the same status as religion, for if philosophy is explored, then it means leaving the safety and security of the starting point, and to step into the unknown, which can be a terrifying prospect to those who are attached to being stagnant.

Now some might say, what's wrong with ignorance is bliss? If enlightenment involves a rediscovery of innocence, of sorts, then isn't the atheist's non-start achieving this end? No, because this position is still a false conditioned position, because it externalizes reality and casts responsibility elsewhere, onto illusory appearances, of which, doesn't necessitate exploring the source of attention, which means this position is still a delusion. Lucidity involves becoming aware of the source of projected reality, not relaxing into a deluded idea that the dream world exists at face value.

Now, if, on the other hand, the atheist takes a step forward and moves beyond the starting point, then he begins his existential journey and will soon find himself confronted by a universe without any objective meaning, value, purpose or narrative. This is where the atheist now becomes an absurdist; for the conflict and shock that arises when an existential agency, that naturally seeks to find a meaning to life, confronts a medium where there is none to be found externally, is indeed the epitome of absurd, which often makes a journeyman question the futility and silliness of leading a life of mundane routine. This is where the existential crisis begins, and anger, depression, anxiety, angst and despair can often set in. And this is understandable; for people are usually not ready for this confrontation, nor have any experience with navigating it's waters.

For those that stay in this position, what usually follows are various pessimistic, cynical, or misanthropic outlooks on life; for the devastation that can develop as a result of the initial impact of facing a meaningless universe can often be crippling. That, and the uncomfortable truth that nothingness isn't a good outlet for soothing a person's innate conditioning, which automatically seeks that which can be identified and associated; that, which is subject to familiarization, disambiguation, and the state of being able to be labeled accordingly.

Now people will often incorrectly refer to the conflict of this state as nihilism, but that's jumping the gun. This struggle is with absurdism, which could possibly lead to nihilism, but isn't actual nihilism proper. From the position of absurdism, if one is able to recover from it, climb out of the pit of despair and move forward, the continuing path will either lead to nihilism, or existentialism, or in some cases, existential nihilism; which is a more advanced sophisticated position that can develop further on down the road. Staying an absurdist is impractical and detrimental, and will very likely lead to deep depression, addiction or suicide. So once one becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired, and is ready to shake off their existential crises, they eventually face a choice: either to invent meaning, or to drop the value they have previously held for investing in meaning. There is no better choice, or right answer; for much of this will depend on the person's predilection.

So, what is entailed with inventing meaning? This is existentialism. Existentialism concerns itself purely with becoming fully absorbed into the experience of being a human as a consequence of the absurdity in confronting a universe without objective meaning, and as a result, the existentialist disregards the lack of meaning and loses himself in creating his own meaning. The existentialist lives in the moment, and becomes grounded and centered in this immediacy, and so becomes unconcerned about concepts of futility and the inevitability of death, for the investment of value goes into life as a existential journey, and not an investment into ideas about destinations, legacies or outcomes. This is a path that embraces the totality of experience, and understands that a man's sum will be the result of his engagement and commitment with reality; that, indeed, a man will become whatever he makes of himself, no more, no less. This is where a man overcomes absurdity, and replaces the angst associated with it, with values, meanings, purposes and narratives, of his own making, and then takes a run with it.

It's not about overcoming nihilism, as Nietzsche fancied himself wrestling with, and as others have similarly painted the struggle as; but about overcoming absurdity, which is the debilitating factor. The confusion stems from the absurdist's despondent view of nihilism from a distance, which seems to portend further anguish. An absurdist is still hung up on his attachment to meaning. So, when the absurdist stands at the crossroads of existentialism and nihilism, they see the nihilist path as a deeper descent into despair because they are not yet a nihilist, so still think of the idea of letting go of the attachment to meaning, and the prospect of negating meaning as a meaningful investment, as more depression and angst.

So this is why existentialism is the road more often traveled, for it still employs meaning as a utility, and provides insulation from the vulnerability of complete nakedness in meaninglessness without any safety net. And this is another reason many absurdists confuse nihilism with absurdism; for futility and a lack of meaning is the source of their depression, and nihilism doesn't hold the promise of filling this void. Very few have the stomach to endure the loss of attachments. But, for those that are less nostalgic, less romantic, and have a lot more steel in their balls, the path of nihilism is taken, which isn't a road for the squeamish or the faint of heart. The nihilist sees there is no objective meaning, and despite the absurdity of this, he makes an adjustment and guides his way through life without having the need to embrace a meaning, and this is perfectly okay with him, and not a source of angst.

Nihilism is the path for those that are seeking to know the raw truth of reality, and are not afraid of letting go, or of detachment. The nihilist is comfortable with uncertainty, futility and a lack of meaning, and isn't compelled to mitigate this state because it isn't a source of pain or suffering to begin with. Quite contrary, the nihilist finds peace and freedom in the absence of these heavy burdens that only previously served to weigh him down.

To the average person, nihilism does seem to be an undesirable state that one would loathe to be in; which is another contributor to nihilism's bad rap, but this is only because, much like the absurdist, the average person is also caught up in investments into meaning, and thinks them to be of crucial importance. But meaning isn't an integral ingredient to an existence; it is foreign installation, an optional attachment, that really only serves as a crutch.

Finally, sometimes an absurdist will take the middle path between nihilism and existentialism and become an existential nihilist. The existential nihilist is one who acknowledges the paradoxical absurdity of the lack of objective meaning, is ok without having to have a meaning, but nevertheless, finds some value in creating meaning; without losing sight of the fact that this meaning is merely a construct, and so he doesn't lose himself in it, yet he still is able to utilize it for his purposes. Of all the different styles of nihilism, existential nihilism is the most talked about, and most subscribed to by contemporary philosophers. And it's the position that most makes sense, and should be a fundamental principle of nihilism, because although the nihilist can adjust and find a way through life without investing into subjective applications, to do so to an extreme is a little stringent, and perhaps taking the implications of nihilism too far.

Even though we are engulfed in illusion, we should be mindful to awareness and, dare I say, express love. And when I say love, I don't mean attachment, or desperate dependency. That it desire, not real love. Love is real because it endures beyond attachment. Real love loves so much, it cannot grasp, restrict, nor transgress the freedom of awareness for the sake of selfish desire. Nihilism is a good tool for shattering false attachments that are bogging us down, but we don't need to be so heavy handed and take it so far that we are denying our own awareness and its utility as a wellspring for the outpouring of love that can heal all wounds. This is a silly use of skepticism. At the very least, you know you are aware, and you really can't say anymore then that. And it appears that there are other perspectives that are aware also, and although you can't be certain of that, you can't deny your own experience, and so knowing this, you should be loving and kind to yourself and others, because the experience of the existential agent is the only real thing that composes an existence. And you if you want to be stubborn and deny your own existence, then who may I ask is making this denial?