#weezly talks writing

[weezly14]

so i'm not going to respond to any individual asks - this is the blanket response to all the asks i've gotten in the past few weeks asking me when i'm going to update my WIPs, if i've abandoned them, etc. i appreciate the love, i do. i miss dust to dust, and something good and right and real, and i wanna be your boyfriend, too.

i might regret being this honest later, but fuck it, it's my blog and not enough people talk about this shit.

i'm struggling with infertility. emphasis on the struggle. i'm weepy from fertility meds, in the midst of my first treatment cycle, half hope and half fear. we're "unexplained infertility," so there's no reason why it shouldn't work, except it hasn't so far, so hope feels like a dangerous thing.

for anyone who hasn't experienced this, it's a complete and total mindfuck. i don't feel like the same person i was a year ago, before all those negative pregnancy tests. i thought i'd have a baby by now, or at least be pregnant. instead, i have a shitty not even diagnosis, and Options that are both a blessing but also invasive, and expensive, and in no way a guarantee. every month i calculate when the due date would be; think about the events we have planned for next year in terms of where i could be in a pregnancy; and every month, my period arrives right on schedule, if not a day early. i have yet to see a positive pregnancy test. it's "only" been a year, and i'm "so young," but it feels like it's been ages and like i'm running out of time.

we've been forced to have conversations about money, about how far we want to go with treatment, about when we might call it. "it's too early to think about that," you might say, but one cycle of ivf could cost $16k. we have good insurance, but are we willing to undergo more than one egg retrieval? how many failed transfers before we decide the emotional toll is too high? it's better to have those conversations now, before we have to, when we can maybe make clearer decisions. would we consider donor eggs or sperm? surrogacy? what about adoption?

meanwhile, i'm watching friends and acquaintances get pregnant with no problem, as i try not to completely isolate myself and try to track ovulation, as though timing might be the problem.

(it's not.)

i'm not the person i was before all of this, and it sucks. i'm a sadder, smaller person, i think. i'm trying my best. i'm "practicing hope" or some shit, i'm doing my best to keep my head up and stop isolating, stop avoiding my pregnant best friend, stop wallowing in the grief. because it is grief. if i get pregnant, it will be because of fertility meds and doctors, it will happen in a sterile exam room, hopefully with my husband holding my hand, if he can get the time off work. there will be no spontaneous pregnancy, no surprise. there's grief in that, in letting go of what i thought this might be like, how i thought it might go.

so yes, writing fic has fallen by the wayside. not because i want it to. i just have a hard time finding the energy to do even fun things. i miss the person who could write a lot in short spans of time, who had the energy for fic. i'd like to believe i can still be that person again. i don't consider any of those fics abandoned. i've written, i've worked on things.

but, right now, it feels like my entire life, my entire being, is consumed with this struggle to get pregnant. like my life is measured by where i am in my cycle. i look at my calendar and think, that's when i'll get my period or a positive test, so i should be mindful in what i plan. i might be very happy, or i might have a very bad day.

sometimes, the bad days feel eternal.

but i'm doing what i can. i'm trying, anyway. my therapist said i should practice hope, and i'm trying to. i'm trying to let myself believe things might work out. even though the fucking meds have made me weepy as hell, i'm trying to stay positive, and envision that this cycle could work. that on christmas day, instead of my period, i'll get a positive pregnancy test.

(because going home for christmas isn't loaded enough.)

there's an old wives tale that if you wrap a baby blanket and put it under the tree, you'll have a baby by next christmas. i'm jewish, but we're an interfaith household, so we bought a baby blanket, and we're going to wrap it in hanukkah paper, and put it under the tree. we have a hope basket in the nursery - because when we moved into this house we set aside a bedroom to be the nursery, and it's empty except for that little basket of baby things we've collected over the months, in the hopes that one day we'll have a baby to dress in the little onesies or socks. we have a running list of names. this is our version of practicing hope.

this is only our first treatment cycle. things could work. or maybe the next cycle. and then, there's always ivf. some days, i feel like it'll work for us, and we will have a baby, one way or another. other days, i wonder if i shouldn't just spare myself the pain and call it now. it's exhausting, infertility.

so, to everyone who misses my writing, and wonders when i'll update again - i don't know. i miss my writing, too. i miss being the person who wasn't so consumed by fertility shit, who could indulge in hobbies. i'd like to believe i can get back to that. but not this week.

the holidays are joyous but they're also really fucking hard, so let me be your friendly reminder not to ask people when they're having kids, or why they aren't pregnant yet, and to not tell people struggling with infertility to "just adopt" or "just relax."

happy holidays.

[abcd-em]

Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it? Can you answer these questions re you and Weezlys cat series?! Love BJ!!!

@weezly14 look, BJ love!!!

We're currently working on part 2, which is a result of us just continually talking about Peter, MJ and Baloney Joe as we were writing part 1.

It definitely felt like we weren't ready to let go of the boys just yet, and they were occupying so much of my brain space!! I'm very excited to share what we've got planned!!

Meta fic game

[weezly14]

I’m currently re-reading We Could Call it Even. I am a big fan of all your work, but this one is def my fav fic of yours. I love the going back in time in their relationship, them being young and in love and talking about the cultural differences between them, amongst other things. Hope we get an update to its sequel soon. Really enjoy that universe. Take care!

Hello!

Hopefully there will be an update in the next few weeks? Shit’s been rough. But I’ve been thinking about it, and this universe is very dear to my heart. I’m glad you like it. Thanks.

[weezly14]

Hey Weezly, I’m rather new to reading Peter and MJ fics and I’ve read many of your fics and I’m in love with them! I did notice that there are a couple that you haven’t updated in a while and wondered if those are not ones you plan on finishing?! Dust to dust and something good and real and right. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t want to get too invested if there is no plan for them to be completed. Anyways, really enjoyed we could call it even and in screaming color!! You are such a great writer!!

Hello, friend. Thanks for reaching out - and I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed my little stories!

Nothing has been abandoned; I do intend to update all these fics. Life has kicked me in the ass lately so writing has taken a backseat. When will things be updated? I don’t know. Hopefully within the next few weeks.

But thank you for reaching out - this isn’t the only ask I’ve gotten about these fics and it means a lot that they’re loved and missed.

[weezly14]

9,15, and 20 for the ask game! thank you for all your wonderful contributions to fandom this year :) it’s been a joy (albeit sometimes painful) to read your works!

9. favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

petermj. i love them so much.

15. what WIP are you taking into next year with you?

dust to dust, definitely.

(and the fic inspired by taylor swift's paris that i just came up with that definitely won't be finished, if posted at all, by the new year)

20. which work of yours have you reread the most?

for fun? something blue. for editing/this is my masterpiece/nitpicking reasons? dust to dust.

(y'all are too kind.)

[weezly14]

30!

👀😍

30. biggest surprise writing this year?

the biggest surprise this year was just plain writing this year.

i went and saw nwh at the end of december and almost immediately was deep in the Ao3 tags, and started writing fic for the first time in literal years. of all the things i expected this year, getting back into fic writing and fandom was not it.

so yeah, actually writing was my biggest surprise this year, and what a lovely surprise it's been.

[weezly14]

29

29. favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

from dust to dust (chapter 2):

Peter Parker is 8 or 9 years old and sitting in the back seat of his uncle’s car and missing his dad in a way he can’t put into words, and as they approach the house Peter shuts his eyes, pretends to sleep. Feels the passing streetlights on his eyelids, listens to the soft hum of voices and music, waits anxiously for the moment they arrive at this new home that is now his - has been his but still doesn’t feel his - waits for the moment that his uncle will carry him up to his bedroom, arms warm and strong around him, will tuck him into bed after removing his shoes, will kiss him goodnight and say he loves him. If Peter squints he can pretend it’s his dad again. He feels the ache in his belly, in his chest, wants so deeply to be held, misses his parents so much. So much.

But the car stops and Ben and May get out, and Peter’s door opens, and Ben shakes Peter awake and says, “come on, kid, I know you’re not really asleep, up to bed.”

And Peter wants to cry for how it feels, but he doesn’t quite; he wipes at his eyes like he’s wiping away sleep when really it’s the lightest of tears, and he gets out of the car and walks by himself up to his room, is not carried or held or hugged, is told “night, Pete,” and left to his own devices, left to take off his own shoes and tuck himself into bed. 

This is a memory that Peter never forgets. 

[weezly14]

3. 5. 13 17. 27. 28.

3. what work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos or hits)?

dust to dust. it's my magnum opus, my masterpiece - truly, i think, the best piece of fic i've written.

5. what work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

also dust to dust. i thought three people would read it, maybe. it's been a delight to see how people are reacting and engaging with this fic.

13. what's your longest work of the year?

solo (completed work only) - we could call it even. (67k)

collab - the slowest moving train. (79k)

17. your favorite character to write this year?

mj, definitely.

27. what do you listen to while writing?

for most of my fics i make a playlist for that fic to listen to while writing.

28. favorite work you wrote this year?

i'm stupidly fond of something blue.

[weezly14]

are you going to write more irondad

Possibly? Tony Stark - in the MCU anyway, I haven’t read his comics beyond his parts in the civil war arc - is a fascinating character and there’s really so much good shit to mine. He’s kind of a dick! He’s full of trauma! His dad was no picnic! (I was an avid Agent Carter fan, Howard is also a fascinating character.)

Will I? Unclear. But writing the biodad au has been such a goddamn delight, and I wanna explore more, I think. We’ll see what that looks like in practice.

[weezly14]

12&19

12. how many WIPs do you have in your docs for next year?

hmm. at least 4, possibly as many as 6.

19. what's one pairing you want to explore next year?

peterflash!!!!!!!!!

(might be outlined already, who's to say)

[weezly14]

18 and 29

18. the character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

this is going to sound super arrogant but - i don't think i've really struggled with anyone? maybe tony, but i hardly write him. (maybe that's why?)

29. already answered!

[weezly14]

so i used to use this more as a blog where i talked about my life and my feelings and there's been both a lot and nothing happening in my life lately but i sure do have feelings! so i'm gonna write it down and send vibes into the universe because why not. what else do i have to do today?

i've been a little MIA in terms of working on my fics. i've barely written. first it was a rough fucking winter; then summer kicked my ass just as bad. i hate summer.

"but why has it been rough?"

well, because i'm not fucking pregnant yet.

we've been trying for a baby (i hate this phrase) for ten months? ish? and nothing has happened. in school they made it sound like you skip protection once and you'll get knocked up; my mom got accidentally pregnant twice. and here i am, charting dates and peeing on ovulation predictor sticks and tracking symptoms and the whole nine yards, timing sex and taking fucking prenatals and vitamins and not eating sushi or steak during the two week wait and not drinking at all, and all i've gotten to show for it is my fucking period, every month like clockwork.

the studies say, it can take up to a year. yes, most couples get pregnant within six months, but sometimes it takes longer. sure, fine, whatever.

so it's been hard enough trying to get pregnant and then failing (because it does feel like failing, every time), but then two things happened in quick succession:

my best friend got pregnant, sort of accidentally;

i got sent for bloodwork and the results caused my doctor to refer me straight to a fertility clinic.

when i saw the results i cried, but i thought i was just spiraling and being over dramatic. sure, my AMH is really low, but it's technically still in range, and that's not everything, right? my other tests were mostly fine, not totally out of the normal range. then i called my doctor's office, only to be told "we're referring you to a clinic, your ob/gyn doesn't think you'll get pregnant without treatment."

it's a hell of a thing to be told while standing in the pasta aisle of a grocery store.

in the midst of being referred to the clinic, i of course googled. read articles and papers. cried to my husband, my mom, my friends. of course the clinic was booking weeks out; in three weeks i'll go for my first appointment. my mom said, well maybe now you'll get pregnant. it happens, you know - people struggle and then as soon as they get booked to see a specialist, or start IVF, they get pregnant.

my period started over the weekend. it was not a good time.

the thing about trying for a baby is that every month is the same fucking rollercoaster, only you can't get off, and despite knowing exactly how it'll go, it's still somehow traumatic every time. every cycle there's the devastation when your period starts, followed by the hopeful/planning mode of "let me now track ovulation, let's chart out when we need to have sex." then there's the actual sex - trying to still have fun with it as opposed to the clinical "literally all we need is for you to finish," though sometimes it is just the quickie before work or after dinner because it's Fertile Week and we need to optimize our chances so it doesn't matter if it's not very romantic, we can have romantic sex later. after that it's the waiting game, the two weeks of overanalyzing every ache, every twinge, of looking up expected due dates and thinking about how to announce to family and friends, of hoping and thinking that maybe you are actually pregnant - all followed by the two, three days leading up to your period where every trip to the bathroom has the potential to devastate. where every pms symptom is enough to set off a fresh round of tears until your period actually starts. i've stopped taking pregnancy tests early. the stark white negatives (or rude NO - on the digital tests) was too much for me to handle in my already hormonal, pms state.

it hasn't been a year, which makes me feel like i shouldn't be so upset already. on the other hand, my egg reserve is apparently incredibly low - that is, i'm rapidly running out of eggs, and who knows if the ones i've got are even any good. in three weeks we'll see a fertility specialist, and based on my extensive research and trolling on reddit and listening to podcasts, i'm fairly confident they're going to tell us it's IVF or bust.

because i'm running out of eggs, for reasons that might not exist, or might just be "sometimes things just suck for certain people." some people get a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility," which basically means the doctors have run every test and there's no reason you can't get pregnant. we aren't in that camp, we're likely in the "diminished ovarian reserve" camp. for reasons that are unexplained.

meanwhile, my best friend is pregnant, and i can't talk to her without crying.

we moved into a bigger house a year ago in preparation for kids. we got our finances in order, we made sure our marriage was solid, we planned - and now? we've always wanted two, maybe three. at this point i think we'll be lucky to get one. maybe i'm being pessimistic. i'm trying to be confident but also realistic. IVF doesn't work for everyone. even my clinic, which has the best numbers in the state, has a 63% success rate. sounds great, and it is - but that's 37% of couples who don't go home with a baby. nationally, the outcomes are something like 50ish% of IVF cycles will result in a live birth (they measure by both pregnancy and live birth, because even if you've managed to get pregnant, there's no guarantee you'll stay pregnant.)

today is a good day, by the way. today i can talk to my mom, i can call up our insurance, i can write this and be factual and calm and not crying. today i feel like we have a good chance, like we will end up with a take home baby. today i'm cleaning my house and looking up meal plans to increase my fertility. exercise regimens to help me get in shape to increase my fertility. tomorrow might be a bad day. bad days are when i can barely get off the couch, where i cry at the thought or mention of my fertility. where a tiktok of a dad and baby sends me spiraling. when it all feels fucking useless and unfair.

today is a good day. i don't know what tomorrow's going to be yet.

i've been isolating all summer, which isn't hard to do when most of my friends aren't local. but i find i don't want to be around anyone, really. i don't want to talk to people. i don't want to be asked how i'm doing, i don't want to be asked what's new or what i've been up to.

"i've been cleaning my house and trying to get pregnant and failing. last week i made a new recipe, and today i cried."

it's not an exciting life i'm leading these days. and anyway, no one wants to hear about fertility struggles.

it's not that i'm too stressed. i don't need to go on vacation, or get drunk and have sex, or relax and then i'll get pregnant. sure, i could use a vacation, but that's not the magic ticket. the problem isn't lack of sex. i have depression; the stress is always there, but that's why i see my therapist and my psychiatrist. that's why i take my meds and do my self-soothing shit.

i'm not pregnant because i'm just not. and hopefully the specialist will have a plan and hopefully that plan has a more than 30% chance of succeeding, and hopefully we get to bring a baby home - but today? today i'm not pregnant, and it's not a guarantee that i ever will be.

so even though today is a good day, i'm still really fucking sad.

but, you know. i'm trying to have hope.

that, too, is a cycle.

[weezly14]

today i had a total breakthrough moment for the new play i’ve been thinking about for the past three months (that as of yesterday had a title and the quote that inspired it, and little else). 

after that breakthrough moment, i figured out character names, the rough arc of the piece (and the name meanings are super important and i sorta stumbled into that a little?) and the title i chose kinda on a whim makes sense and i have ten pages now of actual scenes with dialogue! of this new play and i haven’t written this much in months, friends. 

plus i fleshed out an idea for an 10 minute play, with two other percolating 10 minute play ideas in my head, plus i made a decision about the direction of a rewrite i’m working on and. friends. i’m writing. things are clicking. 

again, i have not really written anything since the car accident. this is wonderful