#when I'm in an environment with a lot of men (like shopping)? must go home and bathe or at least fully change outfit

[gwennovynne]

im like "I don't use showers as a trauma response I just like being clean" then take three boiling showers a day when I'm alone and Scared and say things like "do you ever wish you could unzip your skin and put it in the washing machine?"

[freakingoutthesquares]

Pulp Diction - Part Two Part One here Words: Paul Lester, Photographer: Pat Pope Melody Maker, 27 May 1995 Transcription: Acrylic Afternoons

Starring: JARVIS COCKER as THE JUNKSHOP ROMANTIC STEVE MACKEY as THE PLAYBOY RUSSELL SENIOR as THE ALIEN CANDIDA DOYLE as THE CARE BEAR KID NICK BANKS as THE PIE-MUNCHER

PULPSEX (COME AGAIN)

The B-side of "Common People" is "Underwear" (a very, very Pulp word that, underwear), a brief encounter between a fully clothed boy and a semi-naked girl. Says Jarvis Cocker, the Morrissey With A Groin™: "It's about how, once you've taken somebody's clothes off, it's hard to put them back on and leave and say, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't actually mean that.'"

Forgive me for being so literal, but I was wondering... "Do I wear underwear? I didn't used to, but do now, I hate boxer shorts, they're crap. I don't see the point of them - there's no support. If you run, it's all flopping about. I prefer the trunks type - not with the legging, but kind of like Y-fronts. You can get them from Marks & Spencer in three-packs. I have tangas as well, but they're disgusting - you know, those really tiny ones."

Is Jarv into "sexy" women's underwear? "No, I hate all that Ann Summers, supposedly erotic lingerie where it's like, black polyester satin with synthetic red trim and synthetic lace."

Does he ever stop himself from having un-PC thoughts? Sexist ones, for example? "Not really. I was brought up in a completely female-dominated environment," he backtracks to his childhood - his father left home when he was seven, and he was brought up by his strict mother, who, suitably tragicomically, would hit him with a plastic hairbrush, only to replace it with a wooden one when it broke. "So it would be difficult for me... I mean, I do think there are differences between men and women. But I like that. I'm not particularly into homogeneity. Vive le difference!"

Are we finally allowed to admit, post-"Loaded", to admiring the female form? "Well, it's a lot nicer to look at than the male form, isn't it? And I think women would agree with that as well. The shape is more balanced, it's got nice curves, and you've got the breasts which balance the bottom part..."

Hey! This is a family paper. What about men? "You can have good-looking men as well, I suppose. It's just that a women's sexual parts are nicer than a man's"

Do you have conventionally male tastes in women? "Yeah, I think I have. Actually, there's a shop I keep meaning to go to which has just opened up in Soho which sells more kind of... demurely sexual things - they're not in-your-face sexy. I love to see... I don't get that much of a chance, you know, but I love to see..."

Apparently Nick Cave, Mr Dark Knight Of The Soul, gets turned on by busty secretary types. "I know what you're saying, yeah - towny lassies. Yeah, they're alright, them."

I must say, this is all a bit of a surprise, Jarvis. Just before, you were talking about homogeneity... "I don't even like the milk." ...and I was wondering: do you realise a lot of people reckon you're androgynous? "I wouldn't say I was. It's just that, well, there's no way I could be macho. It's just a physical fact. I couldn't pull it off."

Huh-huh. He said 'pull it off'.

"No, I'm not androgynous. I just like taking care of my appearance. Not that I'm in to designer labels, or anything. 'Oh, you're wearing Versace tonight.' I just like well-made clothes. And I'm not bothered what other people wear, either. You often get people coming up to you who just tell you about their eyeliner, and that's boring. I don't think people should be allowed to look interesting if they're actually boring. They should be prosecuted under the Trade Descriptions Act."

Sorry for prying but, to paraphrase a well-known pronouncement, are you a heterosexual who's never had a homosexual experience? "Yeah, yeah. I'm as straight as a dye. I mean, it's not anything to be proud of, it's just that I've never had the inclination. I can appreciate that some men look nice, but I don't feel any kind of attraction towards them."

Turns out Jarvis Cocker is a bit of an Iron John sort on the quiet. Not that you'd tell at first sight, of course: he makes Kate Moss look like Hattie Jacques.

Can thin men be lads? "Yeah. Candida's [Pulp keyboardist] boyfriend's thinner than me, and he's got very laddish tendencies." There you go, then. "It can be quite funny, that laddish thing," Jarv goes on. "Like the lads at school - they were always doing stupid things like sprayings 'Welcome To Colditz' on the school wall, or like, when my sister was about 15 and she was walking back from the chip shop eating some chips, and this gang of lads were going, 'Oi, do you want a sausage with them chips, love?' It's just daft."

I've just realised: Jarvis Cocker is the kid from "Kes", 25 years on.

PULPPEOPLE

There is more to Pulp than Jarvis Cocker, though. Without Pulp, Jarvis would make a credible space-age Frank Sinatra, crooning torch songs against some cheesy orchestral backdrop on the Rialto circuit, or appearing on the "Des O' Connor" show like some kind of diseased, anorexic lounge lizard in full second-hand regalia, a surreally suave cabaret turn for the Camden set.

But it's the other four members of Pulp who give Jarvis Cocker's glum bus-stop love stories and X-rated anecdotes an appropriately glam epic soundtrack, who give his comic bark a cosmic backing, who help achieve the perfect union of accessibility and experimentation.

Nick Banks (percussion), Russell Senior (guitar) and Steve Mackey (bass) make up the Morodorised/motorised rhythm section, while Candida Doyle supplies the battery of Farfisa Organs, arcane Stylophones and assorted synth relics which give Pulp their unique Seventies/Nineties sound, a smashing clash of the kitsch and the colossal, the tacky and the titanic.

What are Pulp? Pulp are: Acrylic acid. Dralon disco. Terylene techno. Formica funk. Or, to put it another way, Pulp are: Kraftwerk play Tindersticks - how else to define Pulp's shuddering depiction of Jarvis' sad bedsit melodramas? (in fact, Pulp love Kraftwerk, and Jarvis, now a fully qualified film-maker, has made videos for Tindersticks.)

But who are Pulp? And are the really as reptilian-strange as they look? The Four Other Members Of Pulp take it in turns to join me in the grim interview room to draw rough sketches in the air of their bandmates.

Nick Banks is first. "Russell always seems like the sensible one, the one who wears a shirt and tie," says the 30-year-old drummer. "He's very straight-laced, but it's like he's so straight, he's strange. If you see what I mean.

"Candida [32] is pretty strange as well. Especially when she gets giggly and drunk, which is usually on champagne these days," he adds, doing his best Noel Coward impression. Nick, another of Pulp's Venusian-next-door types tells me that, while none of Pulp are married, they are all in steady relationships, and that Russell lives with his girlfriend and their two kids in Sheffield. Nick and Russell still live in Sheffield, while Jarvis, Steve and Candida have all moved to London.

Banks also tells me that, whenever Pulp are on tour, he shares a room with Russell, apparently the excuse for all manner of sinister activities.

"He [Russell] takes to running round the room with no clothes on. Why? God knows. He runs a bath, and you'd think he'd then go in the bathroom. But no. He has to take all his clothes off, then start running the bath, and he'll be running round the room getting his things together. And I'll be there trying to watch 'Sportsnight', or something. lt's not a pretty sight."

Steve Mackey- Pulp's dashing 29-year-old ladykiller who shares a flat with Justin from Elastica and is a dead ringer for Alex James from Blur verifies this when he says, "You just don't enter the room when Nick and Russell are in there. You stay away. I've looked in at times and there's, like, pants down, breasts showing, all sorts."

It soon transpires that Banks has been fairly intimate with Jarvis Cocker as well.

"I went camping with Jarvis a few years back," he recalls, preparing to shatter some illusions, "and it really pissed it down, and there were eight of us, and we were all piled into this caravan, sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags. And l'm on the floor one night, and I look up, and there's Jarvis' bollocks in front of my face! And he's trying to lower himself onto his sleeping bag! And l'm, like, gerroff! Get'em out me way! Eurgh. Horrible. A terrible sight. A vision of hell. He doesn't wear much underwear, you see, so it was balls out for the lads. Frightening. It'll haunt me for the rest of me life, that."

Does it bemuse Nick that this "vision of hell" is, along with Damon Albarn, Liam Gallagher and Brett Anderson, one of the four most desired frontmen in British (indie) pop?

"Not bemuse. I find it quite funny, really, cos he's tall, he's thin, he's gangly, he's not athletic and he hasn't got all that great co-ordination... it's funny for people to see him as this sexual being when I've seen him trip up on the carpet so many times. It's nice that he can triumph over adversity and give hope to people."

Russell Senior, who is 34 but acts even older, tells me about forthcoming Pulp tracks "Pencil Skirt" ("Conventional Pulp fodder"), "Mile End" ("It's an alternative view of Blur's East End, the dark side of 'Parklife'") and "Monday Morning" ("it's bluebeat/ska - it sounds dreadful, but it's well within the boundaries of acceptable taste"). And he thinks Pulp, not Oasis, are the Rolling Stones to Blur's Beatles. "We're not kitsch," he states, flatly, "that's just the way Jarvis dresses. There's a dark, almost satanic edge to Pulp that I've always thought was quite Stones-y"

Russell is resigned to JC's dominance over Pulp in '95: "We used to be perceived more as a group, whereas it's all Jarv these days."

If there was a Pulp cartoon (set in some decrepit urban futurescope, all lurid neon reds and vivid emergency greens), it would be Russell who'd get the job of outlining the characters. In fact, some years back there was a Pulpzine with its very own Pulp caricatures.

Remembers Russell, "Nick was the pie-munching, beer-swilling, televised football kind of guy. Candida was in the toy shop, or on a multi-coloured cloud with the 'Care Bears'. Steve was the playboy with his cigars and women. Jarvis was all jumble sales and junk, space-hoppers and suspender belts. And I was the hardline, stern, don't-suffer-fools-gladly type."

Candida is last to enter the interview chamber. She isn't in a particularly fluffy-bunny-ish kind of mood today, having just chipped a tooth on some jelly babies, but she does reveal she's keen to make loads of money from Pulp, or at least enough to pay her 'leccy bill (she recently got cut off). She also says that being recognised in shops and travelling in limos "makes me feel like l'm drunk or on drugs, like l'm in an unreal world, kind of dizzy."

PULPLIFE

It'll get dizzier. Especially since "Common People" is going to be this years "Girls And Boys". And especially since Jarvis Cocker, who is already this year's eccentric media plaything, has presented "Top Of The Pops" and appeared on the cover of the "Top Of The Pops" magazine with Kylie Minogue as well as on "Pop Quiz", "The Brits" and "The Big Breakfast" (who had a "Jarvis Day"!), all in the last few months alone.

As Jarvis gets chauffeured to central London via his home in Ladbroke Grove (Hard Cash = Street Name), where he will pick up some singles (Duran Duran, A-Ha, Dollar, ELO, KC & The Sunshine Band, Soft Cell, Barry White, Hot Chocolate, Freeez, The Bluetones - Jarvis, I love you) to play on the Lamacq and Whiley show later on, I join him on the car's squashy black leather back seat and wonder whether success will make a failure of him. You know, Culture Of Despair, and all that.

"No, I can't imagine that I would," is the former assistant fishmonger's reply to my enquiry: would he ever Do A Kurt Or Richey? "Because I've done other things, I know there's always a way out, another world. I always say, 'Go and be a gardener, or something - there are other things apart from music that you can do.'" Right now, Jarvis is having too good a time to do get depressed. Like appearing on every TV show under the sun...

"It's important to go on those things and not be a cheesemaster," he announces, dryly, as the Ford Granada glides through the mid-afternoon traffic. "I mean, people say, 'Why don't you go on with your cock out and say f*** off and do a dump', but that's immature and stupid. That kind of rebellious behaviour just isn't rebellious any more."

Or presenting awards on the Brits... "In those situations, you do seek solace in drink. There were all these people in these Portakabins backstage like Elton John and Sting. I went to the toilet and suddenly realised I was pissing next to Tom Jones! He had his cock out in the little urinal next to me."

Jarvis says he's not likely to surround himself with bodyguards like Prince did at the Brits ('What kind of danger are you in at a place like that? I mean, Terence Trent D'Arby's hardly going to Ninja you, is he?"), even though he got beaten up quite badly in Islington last Christmas. Generally, he's rather delighted that, after 15 years of playing the lead role in his own sordid tales of sleazy low-rent romance, Pulp are getting some reward.

"I suppose if you have a certain amount of success, you feel like you've had a kind of kitemark on you," he says as the car pulls up outside Broadcasting House and he prepares to dedicate his theme song, Dennis "Minder" Waterman's "I Could Be So Good For You", to the entire British nation "Do you know what I mean? Because I always used to feel like a marginal character, kind of stuck on the sidelines. And now I feel like, finally, I'm fit for human consumption."

[twistednuns]

April 2023

Breaking mauna/noble silence. Hearing about other people's experiences during the silent meditation retreat. I cried, mostly laughed, related a lot. Shared my story as well.

Actually getting to know the people I had invented stories about (pure projections of course). Realising that the person who triggered me most was THE ONE I connected with most. The one person I needed to meet, who made me feel all warm inside, seen. I instantly developed a crush of course. My heart is very impressionable once it's open.

Observing my thoughts. Challenging my beliefs. Learning.

Antoaneta's cat randomly showing up in Shakti Hall after the sharing. What a beautiful animal.

Finding four-leaved clover right in front of my door when I left my room at Hridaya on the last day of the retreat.

Lunch with Mark and Tom at a shopping mall in Lyon. This precious honesty, gentleness with each other. Mirroring and cycling impressions, giving advice, sharing our experiences and issues. Talking about feelings with men still feels more special somehow. I felt seen. Mark bought me coffee. Telling Tom I liked him, just as an example for a story I was telling but he felt the need to say it too. Why does a conversation like this feel so exceptional when it should be the norm?

Effortless mindfulness. Seeing the signs everywhere. Graffiti hearts stating peur de rien. The white Madonna watching over the doors to the monastery. Looking at the city with fresh eyes.

Spending an evening in Lyon with Jessica and Aaron. Delicious pizza and amazing conversation. Learning about shamanism and plant medicine. Archetypes. The Aghori and a cannibal cult in Varanasi. Sharing insights, stories, learnings and questions. Bending my mind, expanding my horizon.

It's absolutely baffling how people reacted to me in the last few days. I suppose I must have had a much more positive energy - less protective layers necessary in a safe environment. Good vibrations after learning so many new things, a sense of wonder and disbelief. Some of the feedback I received: I'm in love with your voice. / Thank you for sharing your story, I can relate so much to you. / People genuinely grieving, feeling sorry for me. Heartfelt hugs from strangers. Compliments for my yoga pants and my CMMC pullover, handwriting, drawings, knack for languages. / Kathi just sitting down right next to me like it was no question at all, being drawn to my presence. / Genuine interest in my opinion and perception. Reassurance. Being taken seriously. / Jessica calling me an old soul - at least older than our teachers'. Said that I act younger than I am. / You seemed very open, and like a person who has a strong belief that there's more out there. Something really good waiting to be seen. A positive outlook behind all your negativity. A secret hope. //

Taking the long and winding road up the hill instead of the staircase. Accidentally kicking a snail across the path. Apologising. Carefully avoiding stepping on any of its many friends along the way.

Breakfast in the chic modern hotel lounge. Biting into a buttery, crispy croissant (such a revelation) accompanied by Amy Winehouse's You Sent me Flying (from the album FRANK - of course...) A curious dog shuffling through the hall. Treating a kiwi like a breakfast egg. Feeling glamorous. At ease. Radiating good energy. Indulging in a guilty pleasure: butter under Nutella (it's special because I never have it at home - only in hotels).

Taking the funiculaire up the hill despite having nowhere to go. Finding a new route. Walking through a park, my head in a bright white-blossomed bush. A heavy floral smell, a bee hovering in the air right next to me, waiting for her meal. Lizards basking in the sun. The first tulips of the year.

The sage leaf I plucked felt as soft as my grandma's cheek.

I keep walking around high on presence and love. Honestly, it kinda feels like microdosing.

The girl who sang opera in an empty Roman theatre.

A white cat in the middle of the footpath allowing me hold her paw and even touch the toe beans.

Aaron laughing about my body count joke.

The Fallen Star thing happens so regularly by now that I feel stupid to keep mentioning it. But today they even increased in size along the way!

A long massage after 10 days of sitting.

Playing with an etch-a-sketch and a caleidoscope in a toy store.

Selling my grandma's house - super sad on the one hand because of all the memories I made in there, but on the other it's very liberating and I made a lot of money. I went through the basement and the upper floor with my brother and found a little table I liked and an old chair I'd forgotten about.

Spending the weekend in Munich. I saw my therapist who immediately noticed that my energy had changed. Then I went grocery shopping with Frank and told him about my experience. Dinner with Becky, catching up. Then I joined Frank's DnD group playing Catan. I loved talking to Carolina and Kevin from Mexico! Cool people. I'm actually planning on doing kundalini yoga with her and we're gonna start a language tandem! The next day I made pasta bake and Manu came over. We played board games and had philosophical discussions. And on Saturday Yanic and Sash picked us up and we had very fancy lunch with Lena at Lake Starnberg. We took a walk and met Christian who's currently in a pain clinic in the area.

On Easter Sunday, I had to go to the airport in the morning and walked past the parish garden. The whole lawn was covered with chocolate eggs. The egg hunt there after Easter service is a very happy childhood memory for me! Sweet nostalgia. I actually took photos and e-mailed them to my brother.

All the gorgeous wisteria in Lyon!

Upgrading my tea from artificial-tasting spearmint to raspberry and passion fruit flavoured green tea. Holding the tea glass with both hands. Feels wholesome.

Learning more about my issues with food. My hoarding tendencies (need for safety? scarcity mindset?) and the lack of self-control around processed food (even sugar-free like peanut butter).

How nice my "simple" breakfast is. Apples, raspberries, blueberries. Oats, nuts, flaxseed, almond milk. Still my favourite.

The nice community I'm currently living in. Finding my people. Emily, Lisa, Alexandra. Regitze and Jade (I anonymously sneaked a bliss ball into her food box the other day and seeing her happy gave me so much joy). Rosanna and Ashley. Emma. Okay I could probably keep writing. Seriously, pretty much everyone here is a lovely person.

Nerding out, making tons of notes, tables and charts. Writing in my notebook (only using three colours, so neat and tidy), adding drawings.

Remote fact-checking with Frank. Inspiring him to start meditating.

Antoaneta's cat Bella allowing me to play with her. And she showed up after a chanting session one morning. Meowing along, probably complaining that she hadn't been served breakfast yet.

Malou's "Mama" energy, her warmth. Feels so cosy and comfortable to be around her. * Coincidentally wearing the exact same pants as Robert. His were black and mine green but his shirt was green and mine black. The Yang to my Yin! (Side note: he's such a gorgeous human. Perfect nose, bright blue eyes and long brown hair.)

Singing at the Bhajan/Kirtan. I felt uncomfortable in the beginning but in the end I enjoyed it a lot and got more confident. My voice seems clearer and more stable - is that a result of all the Halasana? An open Vishudda chakra?

The clear night sky, seeing so many stars out here.

Pizza with REAL cheese on Sunday (such a blessing after a week of unseasoned, ayurvedic vegan food).

My first ecstatic dance class. Estelle explained dancing together like teaching each other a language, like a conversation. And I totally got that! I generally feel so much resistance around it though. I did pretty well on my own though and even enjoyed it! But when Robert, one of the Frenchies, tried to dance WITH me I made it awkward. Needs some practice.

Talking to people I felt resistance around like Agneta, Anja or Sara. Not regretting it. And I was dancing around the two women from the French group who trigger me so much and it was okay. Maybe I can let it go.

Sharing what I have. Abundance mindset.

Compliments for my art, my shirt and accessories. People are generally lovely around here.

Sunday night in the library with Emily, Marius, Emma and Trinity. Interpreting birth charts, Oracle card readings. Joking about organising a sex party (with Trinity and me hosting it). Talking about the important and interesting things in life. So inspiring.

Lenny Kravitz - Stillness of Heart

The fact that it's getting more and more challenging to keep up with this list because I experience so much more beauty and joy every single day. Truly grateful.

My face lit up by a sunbeam from a roof window during sun salutations. Closing my eyes. Seeing wavering, pulsating sunset colours. Tangerine. It looked like a Rothko painting.

Ombar/vegan chocolate with coconut milk. Lemon and poppy seed macarons. Mousse au chocolat from the bio supermarket. Marinara with tomatoes, capers and olives. Choosing candy with code #222 on the scale.

A shopping trip with Sara's van (canary). I love that the bus is big enough for six people plus bike and bed. I kinda want one now. And I realised I could actually afford to buy one. What a privilege.

My morning meditation is getting easier again. Am I finally becoming unstuck? We're getting somewhere! Also, Sama-Vritti Pranayama often makes me feel amazing. I love breathwork.

My two roommates left our dorm (Lisa needed alone time and Alexandra feel down the stairs and had to move to a room on the ground floor) so I accidentally ended up with the room all to myself. I truly cherish the alone time. Lying in bed naked after a shower, drawing, listening to music, manicure and snacks.

Out of the blue, after months without contact, Peter from my choir texted me. The night before, I'd had a dream about him. Spooky.

Bella has chosen me! Apparently the cat is super picky about people but there we were, basking in the sun together. She was super comfortable in my arms and even accepted kisses. I feel special now.

Making life a little bit easier for people. Helping. Sharing. Wordlessly handing them something they need.

Cutting an apple with the knife I'd bought the day before. So smooth and sharp.

The view of the morning mist hanging low in the valley. Sunlit hills in the background.

Actually listening to people. Learning. I'm impressed by how naturally a few people round here are using non-violent communication. Asking if they can share something. I'd really like to adopt this kind of mindfulness and respect around verbal expression. I usually talk too much and regret it afterwards, feeling awkward.

Hugging Rosanna after her lecture on Santosha. I told her she's the perfect person because she radiates happiness. Smelled her perfume on me for a while.

Walking down to the swing chairs after dinner. Sunshine. So many flowers. I was looking for Bella and eventually gave up my search but when I walked to the evening lecture she was there, waiting for me. I'm so grateful for this cat today!

The word glitterati.

How much I'm relating with Treya, the protagonist of Ken Wilber's Grace and Grit. I've got the feeling this book will teach me a lot.

A nap in Shiva Hall. Dreaming/visualising a paint brush dipped in liquid gold, distributing the colour over paper. The bells ringing at the same time.

How incredibly affectionate Rosanna and Stephen are with each other. It made me emotional when she announced his birthday after meditation and asked us all to send him love and blessings. Relationship goals.

The smell of the yoga cushions reminds me of my mum. And warm sourdough bread. The "Easter nests" we got as children. The cushions are probably filled with spelt husks. My mum usually had a spelt pillow in her bed so this is what her bedroom faintly smelled of.

An insight after observing the effect of emotional contagion on me: I only really feel something when my mind/the senses are involved. Is that my key to unlocking my emotions? I wonder how to release something without involving thoughts. But perhaps somatic therapy will provide answers.

I might have helped Frank to start walking the Upward Spiral. He told me he felt motivated and inspired after our conversations, even tried vulnerability with his best friend and loved the outcome, and meditation seems to have a positive effect as well!

Jade said I smelled of love at the bhajan. / Sleeping in the next morning. No alarm. Blissful meditation. Reading in bed. Alone time is such a gift! Another reminder: I definitely need to find a balance between solitude and company/being social.

A lovely Sunday afternoon watching a movie together, then going on a long forest walk. Talking to Sara, collection little ferns and leaves.

Taifun Black Forest tofu.

Good-natured gossip about crushes, fantasies and projections with Emma and Jade.

I've decided to follow my intuition and go to Plum Village instead of Israel! I'm excited.

A little nature immersion with Antonio. Shamanic drums and listening to Mother Earth's messages. I just sat in a swing, taking in my surroundings. Really looking. There are so many beautiful details in even the simplest plants. I saw lizards, spread dandelion seeds. Even Bella showed up! And I realised that I'm quite detached from nature in my daily life which is something I want to change.

Dark chocolate with fleur de sel.

Spending the morning in the garden on Seva day, planting lemon balm and tomato seedlings. It felt so good to have something practical to do. Getting your hands dirty, seeing direct results, the feeling that your work has purpose. Talking to Flavia who was busy saving the earthworms. Connecting with Pieter.

Evening lecture with open windows. The smell of rain blew in and a few minutes later, the thunderstorm arrived. Soft rumbling, raindrops, fascinating light show. Cosy.

Christina, who buffered my agitated mood when I arrived at Asana lab, imploring be not to be so hard on myself. She said I was already perfect the way I am and I just don't see my light and all the work I'm doing. Then she suggested doing a transfiguration together (the tantric eye-gazing). "To see the goddesses in each other that we really are." Perhaps she should be my spiritual sponsor.

Our graduation ceremony. Antoaneta applied a red tilaka on our forehead and whispered "May the sacred tremor of the heart enlighten your entire life." All the teachers wore white and sat down in a row, holding hands, sending a blessing of the heart. I really felt it.

Afterwards I ended up moderating the second part of the evening and introduced the game and the song we'd prepared. Everyone had a lot of fun and afterwards a lot of people came to me, complimenting my charm, eloquence and humour. Which feels so strange to me because I'm usually close to dissociating during public speaking and have no idea what they're talking about.

The bhajan after the ceremony felt magical. Verena's voice is incredibly beautiful and special. I fell in love with the Adi Shakti mantra - the last line really felt like an incantation. At one point I kinda expected the Goddess to materialise over the altar. Kundalini Mata Shakti, namo namo. I even danced, freely, unconcerned. Bella showed up again, looking for her parents (Sahaja was sitting at the back of the room, meditating). I found her in the hallway on my way to the bathroom and ended up holding her like a baby for twenty minutes. She was super relaxed and pretty close to purring! Later, Antoine played the Krishna Das version of I wanna know what love is and I felt safe enough to improvise with everyone who was still there because I know that song so well. It always takes a bit of courage to sing something different than all the others.

Robert calling everyone sweetie or sweetheart. Easing into a talk with him about his spiritual practice. Picking his and Maya's brains about karma, the soul, plant medicine. Just the three of us in the dimly lit library late at night. I'm so touched by all these beautiful people and conversations that tend to arise here. Same with Alexius who happens to be on very much the same path as me career-wise and basically confirmed what I'd already found out for myself. It's good to meet people like that to see that you're not alone in this.

Lunch with teachers and karma yogis, feeling much more like a part of the sanga now that the majority of people have left.

It is so beautiful to see that I have found my direction, started walking the long and winding road. Something really opened up there for me. My daily affirmation confirmed it: "I am excited to discover what is possible in my life."

All these insights. That I really need to be more gentle and patient with myself. Slowly slowly, gently gently. The impulse to work on my commitment issues. Learn how to trust, surrender, accept a truth even when I've only had a glimpse of it. But also: training the letting-go muscle. Not holding on to what doesn't serve me any more. Beliefs, habits, people...